I feel like God has abandoned me.

[sh77]

Hi

I just need a place to air my thoughts. I would be very grateful for any comments.

In the past four years, I have strengthened in faith (or so I thought). I prayed 5 times a day and just generally tried to be very aware of the consequences of my actions. I don't actually believe that undertaking lots of rituals necessarily makes you spiritual but it was very important for me to pray.

I gave birth to my daughter in April. Sadly, she passed away shortly after her birth. I accepted it as God's will very early on as I believe only He controls our birth and death. I prayed and prayed for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. It wasn't to be but I thanked God every since her death for sending her to me alive. I prayed and prayed for another child. 5 months after her death, I became pregnant again but it ended in a miscarriage. I prayed every day to be blessed with a healthy baby but I don't know why God has tested me again in such a painful way. Since finding out, I feel like I have lost my faith in God and feel utterly abandoned and lost. I feel terribly guilty for feeling this way. My faith certainly helped after my daughter's death but now I feel so weakened and can't take any more pain.

I don't believe you are being tested, or that you've been abandoned.

You will in all liklihood, one day, give birth to a live, healthy baby. When that day comes, believe me, your faith will be stronger than ever.

For now, let the memory of your beautiful daughter be your comfort. As short as her life may have been, she was truly loved and nurtured because you were her mother. She needed you in her life and you were there for her.

I hope you find some peace and happiness very soon.

I am so sorry for your losses.

I personally believe that everything happens for a reason. In my case, it took me 12 years to fall pg the first time and it ended in a MMC. I was devastated and fell into a deep depression, but later that year, I started a new job and I know that if I'd had my baby, I'd never have been able to accept the job. I then fell pg again and went on to have my Ds and I was a single parent and no way could I have afforded to care for a baby alone without the job I had. I have since had another MC and another live baby and I still find life very hard; wondering what I have done to deserve the hardships and problems etc, but I try not to lose my faith in God.

I know how difficult it is to see it right now when you are in so much pain, but at some point, you will see why this has happened and it does help to heal your pain a little.

I hope you feel better about everything again soon. God does love you and he is not punishing you, you sound like a good person and He knows that.

I don't believe God is testing you, or has abandoned you.

Many people have said they've not felt God's presence in their lives, myself included. When times are tough, and God knows how tough its been for you (I couldn't imagine something that awful, losing a child), it does test your faith. I've been known to go into church and shout and scream at God, because it hurts so much. But when I've finished shouting and screaming and crying, I've prayed "help me". And I keep praying "help me".

People give many reasons for Jesus dying on the cross, but the one which I can most identify with is that when it happened God suffered. And we can gain comfort, POSSIBLY from that (I do). I don't know why He suffered, and I don't know why WE suffer. I just have to trust, and its when I'm not trusting, it hurts the most.

I also take comfort from Mother Teresa, how she suffered through not feeling God for almost 40 years I think. People say she lost her faith, but I don't think she did. I think she lost her feeling of closeness to God. I'm sorry if this sounds "preachy", but I'd like to share with you part of the last thing she published before she died, knowing she felt so lost:

"Am I convinced of Christ's love for me and mine for Him? This conviction is the rock on which sanctity is built. What must we do to get this conviction? We must know Jesus, love Jesus, serve Jesus.

This knowledge will make you strong as death. We know Jesus through faith - by meditating on His Word in the Scriptures, by listening to Him speak through His Church, and through the intimate union of prayer. Believe in Jesus - trust Him with blind and absolute confidence because He is Jesus. Believe that Jesus and Jesus alone is life - and sanctity is nothing but that same Jesus intimately living in you - the same life we received at Baptism grown up and made perfect.

And to read to you again, what we heard earlier, from Ephesians ? ?you are citizens with the saints and also members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the cornerstone. In him the whole structure is joined together and grows into a holy temple in the Lord; in whom you also are built together spiritually into a dwelling-place for God.?. We should draw on the strength that Jesus has, as our shepherd. We should turn to him, when times are difficult, to join in with others in fellowship, in fellowship with Christ, the saints and members of God?s household. Draw on our strength and faith when times were better for us, when we felt closer to God, and most of all, allow ourselves to accept God?s love for us in times of trial as well as in times of good."

God bless you, and reveal Himself to you, in comfort.

It is God's promise to us that He will not abandon us. That does not mean that we cannot feel abandoned:- even Jesus on the cross cried out "My God, my God why have you forsaken me?" That, as you know is a quote from Psalm 22 and has been the cry of humankind throughout the ages.
You are in a very hard place, but you can rest assured that God still loves you and cares about you.
It is entirely possible that it is a test of faith, but again God's promise is that we will not be tested beyond our endurance.
So try and find a quiet place to sit and think about God's love for you, maybe give up praying for anything in particular except that you may be aware of the promise of God that He will be with you, that He loves you and that good times will come.
I hope that you will take all the comfort we can give you through praying for you and providing a listening ear.

Thank you all so much for giving my post thought and responding with such kindness. I have taken comfort from your words.

I am a Muslim and am very grateful for the perspectives you provided from your own beliefs. It just shows how much we have common really. Maty and Dutch thank you for the quotations from the Bible - please don't think that they were irrelevant or preachy to me. They certainly were not.

Solo - sorry for the hardships you went through. I hope your DS gives you much peace. You sound like a strong person.

I have been thinking very much about God not burdening us with more than we can bear. The Quran says the same. I really feel like I won't have the strength to face another big event.

I have felt God's presence on many occassions. On the day of my daughter's funeral, a calm came over me. My physical pain from my pregnancy tearing and stitches lessened very much also (but came back after the funeral). Also, I prayed that God shows me my daughter in my dreams. He did so twice. I saw that my daughter was being looked after my grandmother who passed away 1 month after she did. She was happy and wearing white socks!

I do feel guilty though with how I am feeling. If this is a test of faith, then I have failed. I did hope for a happier time with this pregnancy but I feel like my wounds have been ripped open again. I just can't be bothered to hope for happier times anymore. I think I just need to pass through this dark phase.

Sorry for being so depressing. I just feel so negative since the miscarriage but I didn't after my daughter died.

I would be so very grateful if you could say a prayer for me. One never knows whose prayers God listens to. He isn't listening to mine.

I am glad that you took comfort from my words and were not offended.

I wish you every comfort and hope that there are people in real life too who will support you.

Glad I didn't offend! I believe God does listen to prayer - but we can only see a small part of a big picture. I believe he answers prayer but it may not be when we want or how we want. We just have to trust. And it is SO hard to trust. In the same way a child has to trust his/her parents to do what is right for them. However, whilst not all parents get it right, I believe God DOES.

I am a very open-minded person and so could not possibly be offended.

I have the most amazing family and husband and am so very blessed. The problem is I don't talk about my feeling very much. I can talk to my husband about theological type issues as he is very open to different opinions and is never dogmatic with his response. Always very uplifting.

Mary - my husband said exactly the same thing as you about prayer - we don't see the bigger picture and that we may not get the response when we want it. I just need to find my trust again.

Thank you all so much. You are a lovely bunch.

God bless you and your family

Sh77, I believe that I am stronger now because of the tests God sends me, though of course, I rarely like the tests...sometimes I do feel bitter about things that have and do happen to me, but that is just 'human' imo.

Being a parent is a wonderful thing, but none of us know whether we'll be blessed or not. I was told I would never have children without help...God had other plans. You certainly have not failed a test of faith, you have simply shown how human you are; how could that possibly displease God?
I will pray that your faith becomes strong again and that you will soon be blessed with little ones...it sounds as though you and your husband will be fabulous parents and you should give yourselves time as God does know when the right time is to be for you to become parents.

Keep your spirits up and come and join us often

Sweetheart, what terrible pain to have gone through. My thoughts are with you.

I don't believe for a moment that God tests us; nor does He abandon us. I think it is our misunderstanding of God that causes us, instead, to feel abandoned - when He is there all along.

I am not religious, but I have come to believe that there is a God who loves us unconditionally - there is nothing that we can do, be or say that changes us. But we can do, be or say things that separate us from His love because we feel grief, or anger, or because we feel we are undeserving.

When we came here to live on this earth, we signed up for everything that this experience would hold: joy, oneness, a closeness with Spirit, yes. But we also signed up for pain, doubt, loss. That is the human condition: we can't have one experience without the other. Through all this - through the joy, and through the pain - we are loved.

I don't think it is what happens here that matters: it is whether we have the ability and understanding to transcend it and remember our true nature. I think that is when we bring God to earth. And it is a God who is present no matter what happens. When we remember this, we remember who we really are, and why we're really here.

My 2c.

Sh77,I am a muslim and i think everyone has posted very uplifting things already.I lost both my parents quite young and try to say in my prayers God give me patience for all of lifes challenges.You have been through a lot,I find reading about trials of all the prophets helps me.God is with you all the time a leaf doesnt move without his command inshallah he will help you.

Thank you all for your thoughts. They have certainly given me something to think about.

Beeny so sorry about the loss of your parents. That is something on another scale. Inshallah, they are jannah waiting for you.

Whatnolunch - it is a good reminder that, yes, we are only human. I think I feel so crap and guilty about my negative emotions but your post has made me realise something so simple that passed me by. Lovely post.

After my daughter Noor died, I turned to God more than I ever had. Every prayer I asked for patience. I did find strength. I accepted Noor's death and I never once asked 'why me'. I placed so much hope in my 2nd preg and when I started spotting, I knew it was over. At that point something in me just died. I just have to find my strength again. One thought that I have is that God knew how desperate I was and answered my prayer to help me but at the same time, maybe He didn't think I was ready for another child. I don't know if I will ever know why these things happened.

Another way I feel God's presence is through my dreams. I saw a dream that someone had taken my baby away from me before Noor was born. Before my second preg, I saw something about good news. The day before my spotting, somethig jolted me awake from my sleep and when I woke up I just said that the baby had died.

So, I don't understand why God warns me that things will happen because I cannot change the outcome.

I really feel like I have shut down and I just can't talk about how I am feeling.

Sorry for the rant.

Keep talking dear and we will go on praying for you. I can only pray as a Christian, but will gladly do so if you would like me to.

Our God is the God of Abraham, we share that.

I would really love it if anyone would pray for me, regardless of their faith. x

sh77

i am a catholic....i will pray and light a candle for you...

sending you strenght and much love

x x

Me too.

Sh77 - really really sorry to hear of your losses, I can't imagine to begin to understand how you feel.
HOwever, I've heard that the book "Why do bad things happen to good people" really addresses this question. Its written by a Rabbi Harold Kushner who's son had a life limiting illness. It's good for people of faith and those of none - according to the reviews.
It;s available on Amazon Here's the link : http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Things-Happen-People-self-discovery/dp/0330490559/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s= books&qid=1259359137&sr=8-1

take care
CS

Have you ever read "Footprints in the Sand"?

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.

Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.

He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.

He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:

"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me."

The LORD replied:

"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

oh CertainAge, that's just what I was thinking of.

sh77, you have had a lot of hurt and pain, it's only natural that you should worry about your faith in God, but you are made strong by him, so keep that in mind.

i wish you the best

sh77,

"God is closer than the great vein in the neck".

Thoughts and prayers to you. God willing you will find peace and strength soon. Hold on tight.

For all those that kept me in their prayers, many thanks.

Comfortable shoes - many thanks for the book suggestion. I will certainly buy it. Regardless of the religion we folow, we all ask the same questions. Lokking forward to it.

Certain age - thank you so much for posting Footprints. It really moved to tears. After Noor's death and before this miscarriage, I certainly felt strength. I know that God was with me. I just wish I knew why I had to suffer again. I also know that I won't get the answers in this life.

Bababa - thank you for your kind words. I am starting to feel better but not strong enough to pray because I am too hurt and my heart won't be in it and so no point doing it ofr the sake of it.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate that people took time out to read my thread and respond.