please cheer me up,angry vicar/congregation,got to face them tonight as dc taking 1st communion

[fairygirl3]

ok,im looking for a bit of moral support,im in the wrong but have to face a cross church tonight ,im 6 months pregnant/tired/hormonal & trying to find the strength to get through this.
Go to c of e church very small congregation 20 regulars at most,in very deprived area,since i started going 2 &half years ago no other new families have came & stayed,apart from us only 1 other family with children.
Find it difficult at church as have a loud 3 yr old but still go every week,dh is groundsman & on social comitte ,we do as much as we can.
OLder dd & ds getting to stage where they sometimes dont want to go.Anyway this holy week have gone to mass every evening ,yesterday i was so tired/sick,worried aboutkeeping ds2 quiet during solemn service & kids didnt want to go (had been at church till 9.30 pm the previous night),so we didnt go.Also found out the other family with kids didnt go.So i turn up at church at lunchtime today after 5 hours at work,to find i was being ignored then other members laughing at a letter posted on the board which basically said our priest was disgusted with all of us who didnt go,death was the only excuse not to be there,we are all shit christians etc.This left me very upset,i already had my own guilt to deal with,was a very nasty letter.i left upset ,a member of the other family tried talking to the vicar about the letter & how it had upset his wife & me,but he was having none of it,said it was the other members idea also as they are all cross with us.
im really upset ,yet have to go to church tonight to worship but also cause my dc are servers & recieving their 1st communion.Im so dissapointed with their so called christian attitude !

Thank you!

thank you all for your replies.
its a very difficult situation,i do understand he is probably worn out/let down by the turn out.We have not just gone along to services that fit in with our life as he suggested last night,my dh has had to do a lot of juggling/groveling at work this week to be able to work earlys so we could go to masses,our parents have rearranged their lives to help with the kids as i too work early.Yesterday i finished 5 hours at work instead of sitting down & having lunch my 1st concern was to get down to the church to help with cleaning.What im trying to say is i have made the effort which makes what he said even more depressing.
scienceteacher-i understand what your saying but the wardens/pcc were all involved,very much feel that they are right as we did not turn up,as two families i dont feel we have much of a chance of standing up to them.
Last night the children went down 1st to get ready to serve,me & dh then went down,i stayed outside while dh went in to read the letter,came back to say it had been took down,i start feeling better thinking maybe they have realised they were over the top.Go through the service keeping to myself,churchwarden (A) trys to make general chat over kids communion ,im not drawn in,,father talks in general bout our journey over the week but much less catty (bitchy) then he normally is,so im feeling better,leave straight after .On way home DD tells me that before mass churchwarden A asks her if im ok as she heard i was upset,dd just nods,then she sees ds reading the letter, goes up snatches it down & says "oh thats not ment for you,its for people who didnt turn up at all during holy week" .This is crap because its clearly has the title "good friday -disgusting attendance".Im aware this lady is trying to smooth things over,its difficult as she works with my children in school but im cross with her as she was the 1 when i was talking to the treasurer who came up to him showed him the letter was laughing saying how it was good before putting it up on the board.
Im so worn out by it i have decided to stay at home this morning,my heart isnt in it ,the kids are serving so they have gone,feels very odd to be at home.
What was upsetting was before going down last night my son said to me,"i dont get how he can say we are lazy christians when the only time we dont go is when we are on holiday,its not fair" so thats about 4 sundays a year we miss.

oh fairygirl the size of the congregation seems to have inflated the power/egos of certain characters within it. When there is only a small group of people, if there are a couple of power hungry people they can dominate the group, whereas in a bigger parish they wouldn't stand a chance. I sounds like they are possibly feeling guilty about the knee jerk reaction to good friday attendance, but an apology is in order and anything else is not good enough. I would honestly write a letter to the wardens and the vicar, stating everything you have said here [eg working and then going straight to church to clean without lunch, making sheherds pie etc] and how hurt you feel by their attitude. But i would still contact the flying bishop, something is seriously wrong with the situation where a letter like that is approved and pinned up.

fairygirl - just another thought - it might also be worth a gentle reminder to the congregation members who are only juggling their own time/habits round for church, that it's not quite so simple when you are juggling the demands of work, kids, DH AND being 6 months pregnant.

I know in my old church some of the old dears planned their week around when they'd be in church, and it was the main thing in their life. Nothing wrong with that & churches need folks like them, BUT not everyone has the same amount of time they can give & I think some of them have forgotten what it's like to be in your situation trying your best to keep all the plates spinning...

i do think some of the problem is that our vicar is in his late 30s has no wife or children so probably does not get just how difficult things can be.I think reading all your replies has given me a lot to think about,i do feel that we are constantly being reminded that we dont do/give enough/come to mass in the week(he has actually questioned me about this in the past& i told him i have to run around after kids clubs on the evenings mass are,to which he tells me there is always evening prayer ),so do i want to be always feeling that what i do is never enough.
We have decided to go to a couple of services at the next nearest church,see what their services are like and if they are any more child friendly.
The children said during the service on sunday vicar said about the poor attendance in holy week esecially friday and said he would be talking about it further & that all members of the congregation that werent there would be being asked why & exactly how ill they were that they could not make it to church.So obviously his attitude has not changed,even though i was not there i feel the ill comment was aimed at me as that was the reason i gave.
The other family have asked a churchwarden to arrange a meeting between us & the vicar but im not holding out much hope.
thank you all for your support

Fairygirl, have you ever been a member of another church, locally or otherwise? This vicar's attitude is just so bizarre. I'm a practising Christian and I only made it to mid week Communion this week because of other demands on my time. My vicar was delighted to see me.

Him making you feel that you do not do enough is just terrible and so un-Christian. I wasn't aware of any rule that said you're only a good Christian if you attend church at every single opportunity. Please go and seek out other churches in your area where your efforts and enthusiasm will be appreciated and where you and your family will be made to feel welcome. Another vicar would be very lucky to have you.

he is going to force all the good people away i'm afraid. And then perhaps he might try some self reflection. Do go to the other church. The fact that he doesn't have a family speaks volumes. There are very nice understanding single vicars of course..

Absolutely Justabout. We had a new vicar a few years back who stormed in and emptied the church. Probably thinks the remaining few members of the congregation are the Faithful Few rather than wondering what went wrong. Such a shame as it was pretty thriving but most of us have gone elsewhere.

fairygirl, never forget that Our Lord knows all of your circumstances. I think you've done brilliantly to go to so many services in your current circs. The advice of others on going elsewhere might also be sound if you feel uneasy - but I don't think you should feel forced out if you are otherwise comfortable. This guy/vicar sounds very confused, but ultimately it's not him who matters, but Our Lord. I always find the Penitential Psalms a comfort...

Let me see if I understand this:

It said you were not commited christians because you missed a service? The CofE has absolutely nothing in its rules to say that we have to attend every service. Nothing at all.

It said you didnt care about God? In the Bible, it has Jesus offending the religious leaders all the time by doing His own thing - picking food when he wasn't supposed to, eating with dirty hands, having shouting matches with them. Well, where was His respect for God, eh? He was saying that the church can get totally out of control and actually it's there to serve us and help us in our quest for faith, not the other way round.

He said should you even be calling ourselves christians?

Well, he's not God. It's not up to him to judge who is or is not a Christian. That's God's call only. How dare he.

"we do not care about the pain he went through for us"

Too bad. It's his job. If he doesn't want to do it, he can go do something else, or get some help in. Being 'furious' with people in this way is aggressive, threatening and abusive behaviour. No way should anyone have to put up with that.

As for the 'reply slip', I hope he hadn't named any of you on that sheet of paper. If so, he's also broken the Data Protection Act and libelled you in public.

I am in total agreement with the others - you need to move away from this situation. The pressure on you as a family is huge, and you don't need this right now. You need a church that can allow you to live, not just exist for their benefit.

On further reflection, I think I'd be sending my complaint further up the chain of command than the Bishop - the General Synod of the Church of England, or the Pope - depending on denomination!!

I cannot imagine that either authority would be happy about a priest harrassing loyal members of his congregation that way - because you are loyal members, fairygirl, and he should be thankful for people as devout and faithful as you, rather than treating you this way!!

Oh, for the love of the lord...