Why did this upset me so much?

[plj]

I am posting here because I need some help understanding where my M is coming from. She is a Christian, and believes very strongly in the power of prayer. I don't have the same beliefs as her. Throughout my life, whenever I have achieved anything like getting the job I wanted, getting pregnant etc, she says she knew it would happen because she prayed for it. I recently passed an exam that I had been studying very hard for. Instead of congratulating me, she just said-"I knew you would pass because I prayed for you." It hurt me a bit because I had worked hard and I wanted her to be proud of me and the work that I had done. I am glad she has her faith because it has helped her put her life back together, but I can't understand why all my achievements have to be down to her praying? I feel that she is trying to tell me that nothing I achieve is really down to me?

How maddening. Could you tell her that you passed because you worked hard for it? Woudl she listen to that? Or would she say you worked heard because she prayed to god to give you the strength to work hard?

You could say if you sat on your bum and did stuff all you wouldn't have passed your exam no matter how often she prayed. But thank her for thinking of you anyway.

Well done for passing btw.

Yes, good ploy. Trap her. Ask her to pray for something to happen, do nothing to enable it to happen and then see what she says? Or is that horribly cruel?

I don't want to say anything to upset her. I wouldn't know how to say it to her without hurting her feelings or possibly offending her. I try to understand that's what she believes, but it really grates with me. We don't have a close relationship anyway, but every time something like this happens, the gulf between us grows bigger.

Thanks Brownsuga

I think she has misunderstood something about prayer. But I really wouldn't try to reeducate her: practise a nice Yes dear to say and keep repeating the 8 times table in your head so you don't have to listen.

It would annoy me as well, but I think (unless you want to fall out with your MIL) you'll have to just accept that she's a bit of a wally on the subject, and smile indulgently when she starts in.

Everytime she says something like that, just reply sweetly, "Yes, God helps those who help themselves." and leave it at that.

But well done you for working hard for your achievements! Her daftness does not detract from what you have done. You should be proud of yourself.

It is my mum justaboutindisguise, which actually makes it harder to know what to say to her. The church is her life now and I don't want to be derogatory about something that means so much to her, but it really hurts me when she says stuff like that. I have been smiling sweetly and making al the right noises with her all my life. Now I am just getting plain annoyed.

My relationship with my mum is quite complicated. I used to attend church with her, but for my own prsonal reasons, I stopped going. I am not sure what my religious beliefs are anymore. I just think that if I work hard and try to be a good, caring and respectful person that I am doing ok. Maybe the less confrontational approach of giving her a book would be an idea. She's coming to visit soon which is why I think I need to address this. I know she will mention me passing my exam and tell me again how hard she prayed for me. Thanks for listening.

Sounds to me like you Mum has simply not considered the full meaning of her words. I bet she is proud of you (well done, BTW). ODes she show her pride in you in nay other way?

It also sounds like she is at a point in her life when she may be really relying on her religion, and it makes her feel safe and in control of her life. When she says 'I knew that etc' it may be she needs to say that because she's proving to herself that her religion makes her safe...

Does that make sense? If you think this is the case, I would suggest that pointing out when prayer doesn't work may make matters worse.

Maybe next time she says something like that you could say something like 'can it be a little bit down to all my hard work too?' It might just make her realise what she's actually implying with her words.

Sorry it upset you. I think she is probably pleased for/ proud of your achievements in her own way. People who are 'religious' are often very well meaning but can get trapped in their own little bubble / way of thinking and the things they mean and want to say come out wrong or sound odd. My mum is a bit like this.

Of course you worked hard and deserve your success.

How likely is it you would have passed if you'd done nothing, no matter how hard she had prayed? I think the comment about 'trapping' her was a tad unkind BTW. She will think she is being helpful by praying. Try to take it in the spirit it was meant, which IMO was a helpful spirit.

A bit like someone might say 'I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.....' - or 'Great, I knew you could do it, and I had my fingers crossed for you!'....

HTH.

I think maybe you are right, but that makes me feel worse in a way.

I am not sure if I still have 'faith'-but my mum is always telling me that God will never 'let me go' because I believed once??

You are right though that she is trying to push me back to the church, but I really don't want to go. Any beliefs/faith I may/may not have-I want them to be internal and private.

My mum doesn't tell me in other other way that she is proud of me or my achievemnts. She can't see past the church and her religion. Everything she does, all the people she knows and everything she talks about is around the church.

I definately think her approach is unhealthy at times. It seems almost like an obsession. I don't understand her or why she is like that but it just gets too much. I am normally very tolerant and would never question someone elses beliefs or the way they choose to live their lives, but could very easy lose the plot with her. Thank you for your perspective justaboutindisguise. Don't want to just dismiss my mum and her faith, am just trying to understand her.

I try to thank God for everything, and give him the glory, its not because of myself that I achieve things, its because of his mercy, love and care for me.

The Bible says, the world is Gods and the fulness thereof, the world belongs to God and everything in it.

Shalom