Thinking about going to church but confused and don't know where to start

[neverbeenskiing]

This may be long and rambling, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure where to begin.

I was raised with no religion and have never been to church aside from weddings and funerals. None of my friends or colleagues are religious. Parents both atheists but I was raised with an emphasis on kindness, social justice, treat others as you would like to be treated etc. I've always talked to God (in my head, not out loud) privately from when I was a small child and despite having no religious influences in my life have never really questioned the existence of God, just always sort of assumed He was there.

DH was very ill recently and in hospital and I found myself talking to God a lot more during this time. I suppose you could say praying, although I don't even think I know to pray properly. Anyway, during one particularly scary time in the middle of the night I found myself begging God to help DH and sort of making a deal that if he could intervene and let him be ok I'd start going to Church. That probably sounds ridiculous, but there we are. DH is now recovering slowly albeit still an anxious time for us and well, a deal is a deal.

There is a Methodist Church down the road and I thought of this one purely because it's where I take DS to Scouts. I realise that's a very tenuous connection but it's the only connection I have. Could I just turn up? Would I be expected to introduce myself and explain why I was there? Do other people suddenly start going to church in their 40's or will it seem completely mad? I don't even know how I would begin to explain this to my family and friends, I just don't think they would understand. I think they'd either think I was joking or worry that I was having some sort of personal crisis, which I suppose maybe I am, I don't know. Many of my fiends, like me, work in the public sector and are very left wing and I get the impression they associate the church with right wing views, homophobia etc. Not saying that's right, I just think that's their impression and having never been I don't know enough to refute that.

Is it hypocritical to attend church if you don't agree with everything in the Bible? Do all Christians/church goers have to study the Bible? I think I'm basically a good person but I'm not perfect. I can be lazy and selfish at times. I'm not teetotal. I swear too much. I also have a lot of Gay friends and I don't know if that's compatible with Christianity but maybe that's not such a big issue for Christians these days? There's just so much I don't know. Is it ok to want to explore this but not want to change everything about myself or my life?

Apologies if anything I've said above comes across as ignorant, stereotypical or offensive in any way. This is all very new to me.

Yes just turn up. Churches have different feels so do feel free to look around and choose one where you feel comfortable.
I second the Alpha course, it’s usually very friendly and a great way to explore faith. They often start in the New Year if it’s something you’re interested in.

My faith in God and the support from my church has really helped me. I hope you can find somewhere you feel happy x

Methodists are very relaxed main stream and usually great singers- we have all the best hymns. Some will be very small with mainly older people but not all. No worries about dress what you believe etc etc just turn up. Definitely not evangelical just friendly. Tend to care about social issues as well.

Just turning up is best way to see how welcoming they are. I would try a few local churches. Some may even have stuff going on that the kids could go to. I helped with kids work in a large local church and we had several kids with extra needs.

Someone new turned up at my church today after watching a few services online. It’s great, fine and normal to just ‘turn up’ anywhere. Do watch services online first if that’s helpful to get the vibe and theology of a place, or try different places, or ask around. Don’t feel you have to believe foster have answers, and don’t feel obliged. There are wonderful, friendly, welcoming churches out there, I expect there are also the opposite though!

Definitely try a few different churches (unless you really like the first one you go to of course!). They vary so much and you won’t really know what type of church suits you until you try some - small, large, lively, reflective, formal, modern etc. And absolutely slip away at the end at first.

Would you be willing to share where you are in the country?

Echoing what others have said; try a few churches nearby and see which one you feel comfortable with (if any!) - most churches have websites or facebook pages these days, so you can check them out before attending if you want to.
Have a look at the 'who's who' pages - that can give you an idea of the sorts of things that go on in the church and what sort of leadership they have. More evangelical churches tend not to have women in leadership positions (they might teach sunday school or be the kids pastor but that's about it), and they don't tend to be that welcoming of LGBT people either.
You can slip and and out without talking to people if you want to - our church has some poeple who do this and no one thinks its weird.... we recognise that some don't feel comfortable with staying for tea and coffee and that's fine.
If you think at some point down the line you might like to take your kids to church with you, have a look at the Inclusive Church website. It's a network of churches around the country who are intentionally inclusive to people regardless of any neurodiversity, sexuality, gender, income, mental health issues, disability, age.
We're an Inclusive Church and there are several nearby us as well - we've recently been looking at how we can be more inclusive to people with neurodiversities.
No, you don't have to agree with everything in the bible to go to church. I doubt most Christians would agree with everything in the bible, to be fair. If you're worried about that - talk to the vicar. Most are happy for people to chat to them about things / questions.
You don't have to jump in with both feet straight away - it's fine to test the water and dip your toe in to various churches to see how it all feels.

Is it hypocritical to attend church if you don't agree with everything in the Bible? Not at all. You couldn’t agree with everything in the Bible as it contradicts itself 😂 Even among lifelong Christians there will be a range of beliefs and approaches to literal truth v metaphor v “let’s just not worry about that bit”. People also go to church for a variety of reasons, not all religious. You will be welcome whatever.

Do all Christians/church goers have to study the Bible? No- some do, some don’t.

I would suggest trying a few different churches and seeing where you feel at home. No need to introduce yourself although you can if you want.

Look up the denominations of Christianity.. There are loads! I discovered my faith in my 30s and whilst I don't regularly attend church, I have found one that I enjoy attending occasionally.

Good luck x

Agree with all that has been said above. I also wanted to suggest that you look at the Quakers? We have no creed and are a very friendly, laid back bunch. There are discovering Quakers courses either online or in person, which is a bit like the Alpha course.

The Catholic equivalent of the Alpha course is the Sycamore course. I found it very thought provoking and not what I expected - it’s more ‘Christian’ than solely ‘Catholic’. I did it in person but the basics are accessible online for free, from what I can tell. There’s also an accompanying book by Father Stephen Wang, which is divided into sections with Bible passages and questions to think about so you can discover what it is about Christianity that draws you etc.
I agree that you might find it helpful to visit a few churches near you. I didn’t feel at home in the newer evangelical churches, the C of E churches lacked a sense of community and it’s only when I started going to local Catholic churches as part of my job that I thought “Yes, this is where I’m meant to be”. I still waited a fair while to take the plunge and do the Sycamore programme, because I had residual preconceptions about being a Catholic that put me off (and that proved totally wrong!). I’m very glad I did it, though.

Have a look at some of the services your local churches have online, it gives you a feel for the style of service and you're not committing to being there in person, which in your situation means you can choose the time and day you watch it without any pressure to be out of the house. This time of year, churches will have Christmas services which are normally more relaxed than the normal services as they are expecting people to come who may not attend regularly or may just be visiting for Christmas. Different denominations can have different styles so it's worth thinking about what you'd like (traditional hymns, a short service, a very set traditional service etc etc)

I'm also prone to wandering into churches, OP! I was brought up by atheist parents, and only learnt about God and went to church with some schools. I eventually ended up at a Catholic one, which made going to Catholic services a lot less daunting (and I learnt that a lot of them referred to themselves as "pick 'n' mix Catholics" because they picked the nice bits, and discarded the bits that they didn't feel comfortable with, like the traditional stance on homosexuality and no sex before marriage).

In my experience (having wandered into churches of various Christian affiliations), people tend to smile and make you feel welcome. They introduce themselves, ask questions, and sometimes ask what has brought you to their church (I found this particularly with the Mormons, in case I'd come across their missionaries somewhere). There are a lot of things in the Bible that aren't necessarily agreed with these days, and some churches have Bible groups, but not all. Nobody is perfect, everyone has things that they want to work on, and they say that God loves a trier!

My family and friends find it a bit weird, but never mind. It's my life to do as I please with, not theirs!

Explore away, OP. You might find a church that fits, and if not, you'll meet a lot of new people along the way! Good luck!

P.S. Does anyone know anything of the Open Brethren? I have been invited to attend their services, but I don't know much about them!

I had no knowledge of the Quaker religion whatsoever but just had a quick Google and felt really emotional reading about it. It's odd, I don't really know how to explain it but I got quite tearful! I think it's the idea that everyone is connected to God (or their idea of God) in their own way and that God is accessible directly through your own inner experience rather than rituals or a fixed set of beliefs. As someone who was raised with no religion but has always felt I had a relationship with God from a very early age anyway, it does sort of resonate with me. I've looked it up and there is a Quaker Meeting House quite local to me. Maybe I should give it a try. It feels nerve-wracking because I don't think I've ever even met a Quaker so it's even more uncharted territory for me than attending a church would be.

came back to this thread to mention Quakers, glad to see that @SeasideRock has already mentioned them. I’ve found great comfort from attending Quaker meetings.

Same here @FinallyHere
I've been going to a local Quaker Meeting since September and I find I get a huge amount out of it. I contacted one of the Meeting elders first through the Discovering Quakers website and I found that made it easier to turn up for the first time. That said, I'm sure you would be made to feel very welcome if you simply went along on a Sunday morning.

Bit of an update: I decided to go to the Methodist Church local to me, ended up sitting in my car outside for ages then chickened out and went home. Now feel like a failure and keep thinking that God will be disappointed in me. I just panicked, i'm an introvert and only a handful of people actually went inside so I felt that I'd be very much 'on display' as a newcomer with such a tiny congregation. I'd expected it to be busier so that threw me. Now thinking maybe I need a larger church where I can feel more anonymous, have looked online and there is one in my nearest town centre that looks promising. Maybe I should try that next week. Part of me thinks it's important to find somewhere I feel comfortable but another part of me worries I'm making excuses.

God will not be disappointed in you at all. Lots of churches have online services so you could watch a bit of one to get an idea so you feel more comfortable. Next time just try going in, you don't have to ' join in' as such. Just follow others for a clue if you need to stand or sit, although it really doesn't matter. The person leading will usually say what's happening next. Go with an open mind and heart. Some people use a notebook during sermons to write down anything meaningful or things to look up etc. You probably won't feel ' comfortable ' straight away but that's normal. Also, sermons are meant to make you think about things.

If you want to try out going to church and being anonymous is there a cathedral near you? Or a parish church with a full choral tradition? Their services are a lot more geared to people coming along and just listening rather than having to participate. The music should be good too and you can let it wash over you.

There are many different Christian sects but they broadly divide into Protestant and catholic (with a small ‘c’ - not the same as Roman Catholics).

I was raised Catholic but have been to Protestant churches over the years to sing in choirs, attend services and so on.

Protestant churches are more modern and interactive, on the whole. They treat the Bible as the sole authority (sola scriptura) and are less inclined to idolatry (Saints are not prayed to and generally are of lesser importance). They also have fewer Sacraments. Basically the idea is all but the Bible is pretty stripped away. CofE is generally quite woke in my opinion too.

Catholic, orthodox churches are less modern, they retain the stance that extramarital sex/homosexuality is sinful but in my experience nobody really pays attention to that and it’s rarely mentioned. Mass is very liturgical and sometimes includes Latin. There is less congregation involvement, and more deference to Papal authority. However it retains more mystique which is important for many to feel awe, and there’s more of a feeling of connecting to something ancient. There are a lot of sacraments and you cannot receive communion before Holy Communion has taken place.

Wherever you go you will be welcomed, and have just as much of a right to be there as even the longest running attendee (remember that). Try a few and see what you think.

Just found this thread and and wanted to reassure you that God won't be disappointed! From what you've written, you spend more time on your relationship with God than many church goers. I hope you find somewhere that works for you, be that a parish church, Quaker meeting house, Cathedral or wherever.

Below is a sign we have on our church gate: we welcome anyone who wants to come to seek whatever they are looking for: let God take you to the right place for you.

"We extend a special welcome to those who are single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, confused, filthy rich, comfortable, or dirt poor. We extend a special welcome to those who are crying new-borns, skinny as a rake or could afford to lose a few pounds. You’re welcome if you are Old Rawdon, New Rawdon, Not Rawdon, or just passing by.
We welcome you if you can sing like Pavarotti or can’t carry a note in a bucket. You’re welcome here if you’re ‘just browsing,’ just woke up, or just got out of prison. We don’t care if you’re more Christian than the Archbishop of Canterbury, or haven’t been in church since little Jack’s christening.
We extend a special welcome to those who are over 60 but not grown up yet, and to teenagers who are growing up too fast. We welcome keep-fit mums, football dads, starving artists, tree-huggers, latte-sippers, vegetarians, junk-food eaters. We welcome those who are in recovery or still addicted. We welcome you if you’re having problems or you’re down in the dumps or if you don’t like ‘organised religion.’ We’ve been there too!
If you blew all your money on the horses, you’re welcome here. We offer a welcome to those who think the earth is flat, ‘work too hard,’ don’t work, can’t spell, or are only here because grandma is in town and wanted to go to church.
We welcome those who are inked, pierced or both. We offer a special welcome to those who could use a prayer right now, had religion shoved down your throat as a kid or got lost on the the way to the Dales and wound up here by mistake. We welcome tourists, seekers and doubters, bleeding hearts… and you!”

Ah, don't worry at all. There will be no disappointment with you at all.

If it's not too outing then if you say the name of the bigger town centre one yiu are looking at I can give you an idea of what sort of service to expect.

@neverbeenskiing i don’t think god would give two hoots you sat in the car. I reckon he’d be chuffed you got in and drove there. @BathTangle great sign!

So I too am sure God is not disappointed in you. He knows and created you - as an introvert. He will be delighted that you took some first steps in working out how you want to explore faith.
I don't think faith and relationship with God is something you have to perform or reach a standard in or live up to. It is something that grows naturally and organically and just as different plants need different types of growing environments we do too and that is one reason why different types of churches are right for different people.
To change the metaphor, you took some first steps today. No parent who sees their child take their first steps I'd disappointed that they didn't run a marathon or win Strictly! This slow investigation of what faith is and where you need to be to grow it is exactly as it should be.

I would second a pp recommendation to look at the inclusive churches network.

https://www.inclusive-church.org/search-results/

My experience of churches is that once they go down the route of being inclusive for specific "categories" they become more accepting of all differences and would accept and respect your desire to go in and out without much interaction.

If you wanted, you could see which of the churches you are considering stream their services online and start off by just watching from home. That still "counts"! It is still starting to explore the place faith and "God relationship" has/could have in your life!

I really wouldn't worry about it too much. Turning up anywhere on your own for the first time is nerve wracking- whether that be a WI meeting, a book club or a pub quiz night.

I really also wouldn't stress about the whole god thing either. My personal approach to going to church is:
Do I believe in an omnipresent invisible deity that sits on a cloud and created the world in a week - No.
Do I think that the message that church promotes of looking after and out for the local community especially those less fortunate or going through difficult is a good thing- Yes.

I really think that there are many people who dismiss Church attendance as being for zealot religious types believing 100% in a book written 2000 years ago. When from my personal experience it tends to be just well meaning, kind and often older people.

Sure you don't have to attend church to have these values but it's difficult to keep to them when you feel that others don't bother, so why should you. Church puts these values in an organised structure (a religion) and promotes them, which I have to see as a good thing.

Yes just find a different church but I would give them all a go
Be brave you can do it