Thinking about going to church but confused and don't know where to start

[neverbeenskiing]

This may be long and rambling, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed and not sure where to begin.

I was raised with no religion and have never been to church aside from weddings and funerals. None of my friends or colleagues are religious. Parents both atheists but I was raised with an emphasis on kindness, social justice, treat others as you would like to be treated etc. I've always talked to God (in my head, not out loud) privately from when I was a small child and despite having no religious influences in my life have never really questioned the existence of God, just always sort of assumed He was there.

DH was very ill recently and in hospital and I found myself talking to God a lot more during this time. I suppose you could say praying, although I don't even think I know to pray properly. Anyway, during one particularly scary time in the middle of the night I found myself begging God to help DH and sort of making a deal that if he could intervene and let him be ok I'd start going to Church. That probably sounds ridiculous, but there we are. DH is now recovering slowly albeit still an anxious time for us and well, a deal is a deal.

There is a Methodist Church down the road and I thought of this one purely because it's where I take DS to Scouts. I realise that's a very tenuous connection but it's the only connection I have. Could I just turn up? Would I be expected to introduce myself and explain why I was there? Do other people suddenly start going to church in their 40's or will it seem completely mad? I don't even know how I would begin to explain this to my family and friends, I just don't think they would understand. I think they'd either think I was joking or worry that I was having some sort of personal crisis, which I suppose maybe I am, I don't know. Many of my fiends, like me, work in the public sector and are very left wing and I get the impression they associate the church with right wing views, homophobia etc. Not saying that's right, I just think that's their impression and having never been I don't know enough to refute that.

Is it hypocritical to attend church if you don't agree with everything in the Bible? Do all Christians/church goers have to study the Bible? I think I'm basically a good person but I'm not perfect. I can be lazy and selfish at times. I'm not teetotal. I swear too much. I also have a lot of Gay friends and I don't know if that's compatible with Christianity but maybe that's not such a big issue for Christians these days? There's just so much I don't know. Is it ok to want to explore this but not want to change everything about myself or my life?

Apologies if anything I've said above comes across as ignorant, stereotypical or offensive in any way. This is all very new to me.

Try out a few churches and choose one you feel most comfortable in.

You can talk to the vicar privately by calling the number on the hymn sheet or wherever you find the number and meeting up at the Vicarage for a chat

Just talk to anyone you sit next to at the appropriate times. Most churches have tea, coffee and biscuits in the hall afterwards to socialise and often have a buffet once a month.

just keep going along and hopefully you’ll find what you’re looking for. You don’t need to be devoutly religious to go to church but it might fill that gap you need.

It’s absolutely fine to turn up at church and not expect to have to introduce or explain yourself. Depending on how big the congregation is, you can sometimes slip out a bit anonymously at the end, but often people will great the vicar / minister at the door as they leave - if they spot you are a new face, they may try to offer some words of welcome, but you don’t have to disclose anything you are not comfortable with.

This time of year, you get many people coming to church for Christmas type services who wouldn’t attend any other time of year, and wouldn’t consider themselves religious. The Church of England makes a big deal of everyone being welcome, without placing expectations on them. I don’t know the Methodist church that well - I attended a Baptist church as a kid, so I’m imagining it may be similar to that… more worship songs, maybe a bit more of an evangelical style of worship. Personally I’m CofE all the way, but that’s because music is the big part of my experience at church.

Is there a big parish church in your closest main town? That might be an easier place to start.

And please don’t fret that anyone is going to challenge you on your feelings or reasons for attending! If you want to go to explore how you are feeling about faith, then you do that for you. No one else’s opinion matters (in my opinion 😂)

And yes you just turn up and sit in a pew after picking up the weekly hymn sheet at the entrance which people may be handing out or they may be lying on a table. Wrap up warm as churches can be chilly

Most churches have tea, coffee and biscuits in the hall afterwards to socialise and often have a buffet once a month

I think this is partly what I'm nervous about, the social aspect. I'm not entirely sure I want that, but maybe it's expected? I work full time and have two kids with SEND so even getting to church at all is going to be logistically challenging. I can definitely see the appeal of having a 'community' but i'm not sure I have the time or the mental capacity to develop a whole new social circle and I think I'd find that overwhelming right now when I'm not even sure how I feel about the whole thing. Would people think I was rude if, at least initially, I just sat at the back and listened and didn't really mingle?

You will be very welcome and absolutely no need to explain anything about yourself or why you are there. Pretty much any CofE church will have coffee and biscuits afterwards and people will say hello and welcome you.

It's absolutely fine to come along for any reason that makes you want to. You don't have to meet a set of belief criteria or know exactly what you are doing or anything.

Today is a great day to go, will probably be a carol service and lots of visitors. People will hopefully welcome you, they may ask if you're local. If you want to chat you can, or just say ' I'm just visiting '. There will be many people in churches who are not believers, they go out of habit, because family members do, they like the people/ talks/ music any number of reasons. There isn't a test to go through the door. It sounds like you might enjoy reading some of the Bible, is start with the gospels- Matthew, Mark Luke or John. You can get the Bible app on your phone or ask for a Bible at the church. I'd try the CSB or NIV not the king James version.

Would people think I was rude if, at least initially, I just sat at the back and listened and didn't really mingle?
Not at all. You can be absolutely as involved or not as you want to be.

You absolutely don't have to chat afterwards, many people find that bit hard too but maybe as time goes on you might find people you are drawn to.

You don't have to do the coffee and biscuits chat bit if you don't want to. I personally avoid it!

Agree with the above. If you are interested in learning more about what Christians believe you might want to look at doing an Alpha course. I am Church of England so slightly biased, but it is a denomination which has a wide spectrum of views. Yes, some will be 100% Bible believing, and disapprove of same sex relationships, but the vast majority now are very middle of the road. Check the church web sites and see what they say, and that will usually give an idea of what flavour of church it is, what type of music, what social events etc.

I have friend who is an active member of the Labour Party, a retired public sector worker a pillar of her local church, a Lay Reader and an enthusiastic supporter of her local community which includes many asylum seekers. Some Church members might be right wing but others aren't. Just go along and join in with as much as you feel comfortable with.

Most churches will have websites where you can check service times etc, and they will help you get a feeling for the church
You may need to visit several times find where you feel more at home.
I think C of E are probably the most relaxed - try a family service, or family communion service for a start. Early morning services or evening services can be a bit more formal, and are often 'said' services (no singing/music).
Yes - you just turn up. You don't need to explain yourself at all.
And no, it is not uncommon for people in their 40s to start going to church.
There is no 'right' way to pray either.

Please do just turn up - it’s absolutely ok to just rock up, sit at the back and not say a word to anyone before escaping off.

another vote for the Alpha course here - a good way to just sit and ask questions exactly like you’ve asked.

I go to a CofE and a Vineyard church. The former is way more traditional. Try a few churches and see where you feel a pull too.

Have a read of a gospel - id start with Mark.

Couple of other things you might find thought provoking. Woman Alive podcast and magazine. Justin Brierley’s surprising rebirth in belief of God podcast.

As a PP said, this is a good time of year to go to a service in terms of there being loads of people at Christmas services who don't know each other and don't normally go to church. Easy to slip in, keep yourself to yourself, and leave at the end without anyone really noticing you, if that's what you want to do.

Having said that, it's pretty easy to do that in most church services anyway. There is certainly no obligation to stay for coffee at the end - some do and some don't. There is no obligation to believe anything in particular either. If it's a communion service, you don't have to go up to the front at all; you can just stay where you are. Or you can go up for communion if you want, or go up and carry a hymnbook (or put your hands behind your back) to receive a blessing instead of communion. All these things are considered normal.

(My experience is of mainstream C of E churches - not sure whether all churches are the same.)

i have a weird view on religion, the church and God and they are overwhelmingly contradictory

I respect and loath it in the same thought. I love how it can bring comfort and peace, but at the same time I hate how it is weaponised as a reason to hate others by ideology fanatics and zealots.

I can find peace and calm in some church buildings and feel incredibly connected whilst there (but not all churches are created equal for me in that regard), but I have some highly negative views and experiences on and of organised religion.

I would probably be classed as broadly agnostic although I can be very much on a sliding scale.

But I do believe that spirituality and faith is so individual - and I believe deeply that whatever deity or god a person believes in and worships and finds their faith and spirituality in - that it’s with them everywhere, and not in bricks and mortar.

in other words a spiritual person doesn’t need an organised religion to tell them how or what or where to practice their faith and commune with God

I think you are deeply spiritual @neverbeenskiing and have a faith. And I don’t think you should feel pressured into fitting what is something so personal into a prescribed doctrine of a specific religion or branch of religion if it’s not something you feel entirely comfortable with.

However, I also think that if you feel pulled towards attending a physical worship by your faith, then explore multiple churches and get a sense for where you feel a spiritual connection. And don’t beat yourself up if you don’t find one or if you find one but can’t attend regularly. You didn’t need it to practice your faith before. It won’t go away because you aren’t in a building. It’s with you everywhere

xx

Oh and I tried an Alpha course and loathed it. Could have just been the specific church but it was just awful!

Thank you all. You've all been so kind.

I definitely think slipping in, sitting and the back and quietly slipping out again is the way to go initially. At least until I've worked out how I feel about it all.

One of the things that I've been wondering, my instinct is not to tell anyone (as in friends, family) about this. At least not at first. It's not necessarily that I'm embarrassed, it just feels intensely personal and private. I also know they would have a lot of questions (why? Why now? Does this mean you consider yourself a Christian? etc) and I don't really have the answers. Part of me also feels like I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone. But how would God feel about that? Is it an insult to him in some way to not talk about your faith?

Don’t overthink it. You are just tentatively taking first steps. One of the choruses sung when I first attended church contains the words :

Come, now is the time to worship
Come, now is the time
To give your heart
Come, just as you are to worship
Come, just as you are
Before your God

The stage you are at, it is that simple. Just go ‘as you are’.

Yes you can just turn up! Churches vary even within a denomination so if one doesn’t suit try another. I’m high Anglican (lots of choral music and incense) but few people if any believe in the literal truth of the bible, more a metaphor.

You could also consider a Catholic Church. Mine has a weekly drop in for those who are curious about Catholicism. It's run mostly by parishioners I think. We also have tea and biscuits after Mass but there is no obligation to attend or introduce yourself to the priest. That's totally optional.

As a PP said, this is a good time of year to explore as there will be lots of special services and lots of people who aren't regular members of the congregation.

What @PeonyBulb said - try a few and see.

I'm Jewish but I expect it's much the same in churches as with synagogue - no one will look at you askance for turning up, you'll probably get people introducing themselves to you and maybe asking why you're there and you can say 'I'm looking the join and church and I thought here looked interesting because...'

There is one thing you can be sure of, and that is that God will not take personally anything you say, think or do.

he will consider it entirely a reflection of you as a person.

if you find comfort in attending a service, then that is absolute the right place for you to be. Even if it is just a few minutes of peace for you which gives you some quite time for contemplation, it’s all good.

I absolutely agree with PP who suggest you try a few churches, to see what might suit you, from a local chapel to a magnificent cathedral, they are all made by the people who attend.

and if you decide to fulfil the bargain you made with God while you were under stress in another way, which you find works better for you, then that will be perfectly fine with him too.

His purpose us to guide you and have you live the very best life that you can.

I remember a sermon from over 40 years ago, where the Vicar assured everyone that it was normal and right to doubt your faith, and to question your beliefs. Without that process, it is not possible for your faith to grow.
You do not have to tell everyone that you have been drawn to church. You don't have to explain your feelings until you want to.

I go to Catholic church sometimes. It would be perfectly fine to slip in and slip out. You would probably be very unnoticed (and I live in a village so a bigger area you would def be unnoticed). We don't always have tea afterwards but there is never an expectation to attend. Sometimes we cannot be bothered. If you wanted to join officially you could go along a good few times before speaking to the priest at all. People will go for communian but just don't go - my husband never does and it is all fine. Good luck

Also I am not anti-gay, I drink, I have sex not just to conceive. I don't believe that it is not compatible. All good.