Any Witches Here? Part 21

[speakout]

Just settling into the new place, plumping the cushions and opening the windows. Welcome to n everyone, newcomers, old friends, the curious.
Wiccans. or Pagans? Or anyone who is interested in a magical path or feels some magical stirrings.
A place for support, learning, swapping ideas and magical inspiration..

@speakout Yes, we also learned about cognitive decline in the elderly due to lack of hearing. It's a bit worrying for me due to hubby not always hearing what I say. He was given hearing aids about ten years ago but then they tested him at a different (much quieter and less busy!) hospital a year later and he passed with flying colours. They then said he doesn't need to wear them after all and they're in one of his drawers. He gets his hearing checked out when he gets his eye test every couple of years and they haven't flagged anything up. So perhaps I should just put it down to 'selective hearing' 🙄

Laundry witch here for sure! Sunny, breezy and not too cold here today so two loads out on the rotary drier in the garden. I used to do almost all the laundry myself when we ran our guest house and then self catering holiday apartments (bar the sheets which went to the local laundry because I just couldn't be doing with ironing them). The guests always said that the laundry I did (especially the towels) smelled lovely because it was line dried. It's more of a faff than just chucking them in the tumble drier but it's a damn sight cheaper, electric wise, and doesn't wear them out as much.

I treat hubby's attempts to limit my plant purchases with humour and jokes. If I REALLY want something, he doesn't stand a chance (as happened yesterday) but I can see where he's coming from. We had three quarters of an acre of land plus two large greenhouses when we moved a couple of years ago. I had to leave behind about 90% of my plants, many of which I had had for nearly forty years. Now we have about a quarter of an acre, on a steep slope, festooned with about seven years growth and invasive weeds because our tenants never did any gardening. I do have a new greenhouse but it only offers about a quarter of the space I had previously. In addition, we're moving again this summer to a MUCH smaller property while our damp, draughty, leaky late 1960s bungalow is demolished and we build a modern energy efficient bungalow in its place.So there's no point in me acquiring lots of new plants because they'd only have to be moved twice and, as hubby keeps pointing out, it will be HIM doing all the carrying and moving. So I'm not pushing my luck this year ...

I hope all our sisters here are enjoying this pleasant weekend XXX

Sending solidarity for everyone with elderly parents or partners who refuse to wear hearing aids! My Dad falls into this category and it’s driving us all insane. He has a very expensive hearing aid which he refuses to wear, therefore it’s impossible to engage in conversation with him. Poor DM is at her wits end. The cognitive decline is a real worry, we’ve got concerns about him, but if he would only wear his hearing aid we would be better placed to assess whether he’s just not hearing or of there are cognitive issues going on.

DS is still very unwell. As well as the throat pain, his tongue is incredibly sore from the clamp they used during the op. He also has mouth ulcers and ear ache :( He’s not eaten more than a couple of mouthfuls of ice cream since the op and is just so low. I’m trying to keep him going by reminding him of how far he’s come (day 6 now) and how there is light at the end of the tunnel, but he just can’t see it at the moment.

MistyDryad I understand your feelings about gardens- I have had to build three gardens from scratch in my life.
First was a city centre flat with a massively overgrown garden, second garden when we moved to a place in the country with small children, the garden was full of hard core rubbish, large areas of concrete foundations that once supported sheds. There were metal poles and pipes, wire, all tangled around weeds and rubbish. It was a huge to clear, but after 15 years the garden was so beautiful, trees, vegetable patch, a large sand pit and wigwams for the children.
I was so sad to leave the gardens behind- all that effort, time and love I poured into left behind and now only memories.
Now onto garden number 3- my time is so limited, despite the fact I love gardening, but I have planted lots of low maintenance and wildlife friendly trees and shrubs.

VioletCharlotte I am sorry to hear your DS is in so much pain, and hard for you to witness. I don't know what painkillers he takes atm, but no one should be struggling with pain like this at home. It may be worth phoning out of hours- they may be able to prescribe something stronger. I think oxycodone is sometimes prescribed in such situations, it would make him a bit sleepy too- but maybe that would be no bad thing. I am sending healing whispers in the wind.

@speakout @VioletCharlotte and @MistyDryad my mum at least acknowledges she's very deaf. She has menière's so had distorted hearing for a long time. I am concerned about cognitive decline, she has certainly become less social and emotionally astute. My late mil was awful about her hearing aids and we used to get frequent distressing phonecalls near the end, when she couldn't hear you. On one occasion my sil (her daughter) and I agreed to phone an ambulance, as she sounded so odd and scared - she then scolded us for weeks after as she was "fine". Thank you for the best wishes for my dad, we won't hear for about ten days.

Last night, I went to a Beltaine Women's Gathering. It was both spiritual and great fun. It included making a maypole, decorated with apple blossom and cow parsley, lots of chaotic maypole dancing, fire jumping and toasting marshmallows around the fire, as well as affirmations and spelljars. It was in a garden in the middle of the woods with a clear sky and stars.

Last night we had some lovely incense called Meditation, last night, which makes me want to get some. I used to burn it regularly, but got out of the habit with dcs and certainly couldn't use anything like that with dd2 around.

Right sisters. After debating with myself I'm putting this here as its the one place I might get a sensible answer. I'll try and be brief. I am by nature pessimistic,bottle half empty kind of person. The last 18 months have been difficult. But..no more,and a lot less,than others endure. I have too many blessings to count and am aware of that. I try positive affirmations keep a journal of happy thoughts and nice things when they happen...I'm used to being a rather negative person.
But recently, it's as if I am having the life sucked out of me. The internal voice has become louder and stronger and more vitriolic,making me angry and hateful. I don't like the person it is making me become. For example,yesterday I went to yoga despite fibro playing up and being tired. I find the class hard but keep turning up. I often feel a bit disspirited after class but give myself the usual pep talk.." well done on turning up today. You gave it your best shot. Be proud of your effort". In the evening my online French class, where I did badly and made a lot of mistakes. Again,tried to find the positives but this horrible,vicious energy drowns me out
All I can hear is " I don't know why you.bother...you are rubbish at this...you're so stupid..useless " etc etc.

I'm trying to analyse this sensibly...I mean I've just had a break.in Paris ffs. I should be buzzing,not miserable and mean.

So,my question to those more experienced witches is...is there something happening energy wise that could be affecting me? How do I shift my mindset and be more positive,above and beyond my normal strategies? I should stress this isn't my normal glass half empty feeling...its heavy and cruel and dragging me down. Grateful for any thoughts or ideas.

Hedjwitch I am sorry things are so tough for you right now. Your post really resonates with me, my journey in the past few years has been dealing with similar issues.
I have no qualifications in MH or health, nor am I knowledgeable of all the healing strategies that could help you.

I don't mind sharing a little of how healing fits into my journey.
You have a good awareness of your feelings, moods, anger, disregulation and realise that you have patterns which are not helpful.

That is a huge first step.

Negative feelings surface from our inner child, our shadow, fear and sadness can erupt as anger, anxiety, fear, depression or physical ailments.
These are our wounds, usually some trauma from childhood, adolescence or more recently.
Feelings erupt because they need to be healed, pushing them down or trying to stay positive won't usually work for long, it's a game of whacamole.

These old wounds need to be healed, not ignored, but our rational thinking mind and subconscious don't speak the same language, we need emotion not thoughts to communicate.
I have been through a lot of psychotherapy in recent years, and my life has been transformed.
My healing journey won't stop, but my trauma wounds have been unearthed, open to healing, and I now have tools to help me move forward.

I still feel fear, anxiety, stress, anger, but these episodes don't happen so often, and usually dissipate quickly. But these are our teachers, our shadow is alerting us to something, and and we need to be very curious, feel the emotion and allow it to pass. All these parts belong to us and they need to be gathered in and accepted, then we can move towards integration and authenticity.

I know that talking therapy isn't for everyone, and it can be hard to find somone you feel a connection with, but profound healing is absolutely possible.

@Hedjwitch not an experienced witch, at all, but this last year or so I have had quite a bit of therapy, some online for PTSD and some psychotherapy in person for the family dynamics. I still have anxious moments, but the depression and feeling like nothing's worth it has gone. So, as @speakout says, it is absolutely possible. Others may have some more ideas for you.

Thank you both. I suspect this is still connected to my mother's death last year. We were so close. She was always there to lift me up,praise me,cheer me on etc. Maybe it's that that I'm missing and without her,the negative voice has got the upper hand.
Thank you for not dismissing me. This is always a safe place.

@Hedjwitch I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate to the negative voice. I have one of these too, nagging away, putting my down and telling me why I’m not worthy/ not good enough/ don’t fit in, etc. It’s so draining. Mine gets louder when I’m at my lowest, so I do feel this could be connected to how much your missing Mum. It sounds like she gave you a huge amount of support and love, and losing her must have left a big hole in your life. It might be worth looking at therapy, I know others on this thread have seem good results from a working with a therapist. I’ve never found one I’ve quite clicked with unfortunately.

I sometimes give myself a health mot when I’m struggling mentally to see if there’s anything going on physically that’s having an effect. Have I got any pain anywhere? Am I getting any sleep? What’s my diet like? Am I getting enough fresh air and exercise? What’s going with my cycle? I’ve recently had a course of B12 injections which have made a big difference, so maybe consider a blood test?

Sending lots of love @Hedjwitch

@quirkychick your Beltaine celebration sounds fabulous. I’ve been to similar gatherings in the past but not for a couple of years.

I don’t burn incense indoors as I find it too overpowering, but I like it outside or in a yoga hall. Dragons Blood is one of my favourites.

@speakout DS has Oramorph as well as paracetamol and ibroprofen. I think the combination of the pain, lack of food, broken sleep is taking its toll and he’s very tired and emotional. He has managed a few bites of food this afternoon though and lots of water. I’m hoping things may start to get easier over the next day or so.

@VioletCharlotte I hope your ds heals soon, I'm not surprised he is emotional, illness can really affect your mood. Incense outside sounds a good idea, I'll have a look for Dragon's Blood, thank you for that.

Anyone going to be doing anything to mark Bealtaine? It's known as 'Calan Mai' in Wales, which, incidentally, is where I'll be going for a few days tomorrow.

Beltane blessings,sisters. Sat out under the moon and stars,welcoming spring and at the same time,remembering those who have moved on. Empty chairs at empty tables....

Beltaine blessings sisters.

Lets hope this time will bring us renewal, healing and bright days to come.

Every year I toy with the idea of attending the Edinburgh Beltane fire festival, it looks amazing.
But I am not good with crowds of people, I don't do late nights so usually mark the time with quieter activities.

I sat by the river yesterday and meditated leaning against an old oak tree, to find clarity and calm. I am very fortunate to live a three minute walk from a lively river set in dense native woodland. I used the river sounds as my mantra.

Wish me luck today- I am taking my mother to view sheltered housing. She seems keen sometimes, but has been walking around the house saying forever goodbyes to my cats. Which is silly really as the complex is a 5 minute drive away, she can come and stay over at my place any time she likes. Pets are allowed at the new place, its all very dramatic. If anyone has seen the TV show The Sopranos, then my mother is very like Tony's mother Livia. In fact DS and I call my mother Livi.
I am so anxious about the viewing, DD is coming too, and isn't keen on the idea of her gran moving at all- would prefer her to stay with me.

If my mother isn't keen I will be heartbroken- for myself. Things have reached an all time low, and my cup is often running on empty.

I have been looking at properties for myself- studio flats etc, because me moving out may need to be considered.

I plan to do some outdoor yoga this morning in my little garden, some Surya Namaskar to accept sun energy and nurture my spirit.

Have a magical day sisters.

Wishing everyone Beltane blessings.

@speakout wishing you luck with your mother. I very much recognise that feeling of wanting to escape.

@Hedjwitch wishing you healing for the loss of your mother.

Here's a photo from our Beltane celebrations on Saturday. The maypole looks amazing, but the dancing was somewhat chaotic! There was a big fire as well for fire dancing, but the photo's a bit identifiable as it's the organiser's garden.

*fire jumping

Blessings to all here and much love and joy on this special day.

@speakout keeping you in my thoughts at this time, I hope the visit to the sheltered accommodation went well and had a good result. My M-i-L tried to persuade hubby to promise he would never put her in a care home (he said he couldn't do that). But, after her beloved husband died and she became too ill to continue living at their big house and big garden, she allowed hubby and his siblings to move her to sheltered housing (a MacCarthy and Stone complex). There was lots going on and she had a lovely top (third) floor two bedroom apartment with ensuite master and separate bathroom overlooking a garden with the most magnificent oak tree which was full of life. That meant family could stay with her quite easily and not cramp her too much. But eventually she was unable to look after herself properly, was constantly discouraging carers from helping her and her alcoholism just took over. They took her to a care home for a fortnight's respite, much against her will, but she actually liked it so much that she asked to stay! She's still there eight years later and we have the security of knowing that if she falls there's someone there and she does at least have regular food (even if she refuses to eat it and hides it) and medication. Keeping fingers tightly crossed that your mother likes the accommodation and, after all, five minutes is nothing (much less than the 300 miles + flight/boat and car hire that we had to cope with every time we visited M-i-L).

@quirkychick what a lovely maypole and your celebration sounds fabulous!

@VioletCharlotte I hope your son is starting to feel better now and is able to eat and sleep more easily. In my experience, men dislike being poorly much more than us ladies 😉

Today is our 46th wedding anniversary. Yes, we got married on Beltaine in 1979. We had voting, shopping, gardening and table tennis (hubby)to do today so we're going to have a day out somewhere tomorrow which may feature a nice lunch somewhere 😊

Happy anniversary @MistyDryad

I’m just catching up on all the posts. Belated Beltane blessings, all! Mr Crafty and I just had a mooch in the sunshine yesterday, which was very pleasant. Time was we’d be celebrating with a group but all that ended rather acrimoniously when a couple of people decided to burn bridges.

@Hedjwitch Processing our feelings really isn’t a linear process. We can find things catching up with us years after the event, and that can feel surprising if it happens in the context of a fairly steady period in our lives. Oftentimes, I think our subconscious waits for peace and quiet in order to remind us we have unfinished business. I’m a therapist in my day job and I find having my own therapy is a blessing. I’ve been working outdoors with my therapist and that adds the connection with nature to connecting with self.

I’ve been in the doldrums myself, in spite of life being generally ok. I’m conscious that family has drifted further and further out of contact and I’m questioning the wisdom of carrying on holding my end of the rope because doing so takes emotional effort.

I really appreciate your perspective MistyDryad, it is helpful. And happy anniversary too! 46 years- wow- congratulations!

I appreciate your words of wisdom too Craftycorvid, my therapist talked of the "return", heling as a spiral, we move around, back to wounds climbing as a spiral.
It has been a difficult week, but my mother likes the sheltered housing -, the manager was wonderful, when he took me around to see the gardens he spoke openly about the challenges that families have when making this type of decision. How we can never really be sure if it will work until it happens. But my mother is positive about the move, she has friends there already, and they were waiting for her in the communal lounge to welcome her for the visit. Which was very sweet.
It has been a difficult week, my DD is upset about the move, doesn't think the move will be good for her gran, and was tearful after the meeting.
Ideally her gran would stay with me, having her every need catered for, home cooked meals brought on her tray, living in a safe environment.

But she know her gran and I have a strained relationship, and yes I could support her -ever increasing- needs but the cost to me is too much.
If I do move forward in a caring role little parts of me would die inside- and parts have already died. I would feel frustrated, angry, resentful, sad and mourn for the parts of me that I would lose.
So I did a lot of thinking yesterday and decided that I won't abandon myself, that my life is very important, and isn't up for grabs.
I am sorry that my DD is sad, but this will be how it is, I can't give myself away for another's need.
I don't really care what outsiders think or feel I should do, I am being authentic to myself and that is more important.
Once I had clarity it started to feel so good, I felt safe and protected, my anxiety and sadness stopped. And maybe not right now, but at some point in the future my DD will understand why I choose this path for myself, and maybe a little proud that her Mum chose herself.

The evening out with my DD last night could not have been better timed. We ate at a fab Mexican restaurant- with amazing non alcoholic mojitos. We were early so we walked around, bought ice creams, pretended to be tourists. Lots of talking- not about her gran- lots of soul talking and laughing. we walked through the meadows arm in arm, sat and watched squirrels in a little park then headed to the theatre to see The Crucible, which was utterly spellbinding, very powerful.

My fears did not manifest, and although my DD and I disagree about her gran, it won't interfere in our very close and loving mother daughter bond. Love is a powerful force- so healing.

I missed yoga this morning so I am about to take my mat outside and do some practice in the warm spring sunshine.

Bright Blessings sisters.

Thanks @Craftycorvid We celebrated yesterday with a trip on a little local branch line train to the coast where we had coffee, a walk, a wander round the shops, a fish & chip lunch then another walk and finally a coffee for me and an ice cream for hubby before we caught the little train home. I sometimes find deep fried battered fish upsets my tummy but I chose Fizz & Chips (small bottle of Prosecco and haddock) and hoped for the best. Unfortunately it caught up with me in the evening but was brief and didn't last long. Back to normal this morning and it was a lovely (if quite tiring) day. On Sunday we're heading to the Roseland for the Festival to look around another garden, have a talk from the designer and a cream tea. We're going with friends and their little Pekingese dog which belongs to her mother but she's very frail and currently in a care home, but hoping to return to her own home in about ten days time. It should be good and, since he's a keen gardener too, I can talk plants (it goes over hubby's head most of the time .... 😉)

I've only had therapy once in my life, for about a year, and I found it very helpful to work through a difficult personal situation. The therapist was very insightful and showed me how I was actually seeing the situation from the point of view of others. I was all too ready to excuse them and find reasons why they behaved as they did, but was blinkered to my own wants and needs. Fortunately it was resolved and the therapist moved away soon afterwards, but she was there when I needed her and for that I am truly grateful.

Right now, I find our beliefs and politics are diametrically opposite to our best friends and some of my family. It makes it very difficult to be open to them knowing that I can't accept their views. We constantly have to be aware of that situation and consciously avoid subjects that we know have the potential to blow up into big rows. It can be exhausting and I've been glad a family member has been too busy to visit us for the last year, as wanted, because it's easier when there is 300 miles between us and we only talk on the phone once or twice a year. I so appreciate your comment about holding your end of the rope, it does require a lot of emotional effort.

I've also found that my 'get up and go' has just 'got up and gone'. I remind myself that I have a huge amount to be grateful for and that many MANY people would be more than happy to be in my situation. But I'm finding it hard to get motivated and actually DO (or even START) things that I know would improve my health and wellbeing. Maybe having retired after working for over 50 years has just taken the wind out of my sails and I'm just going round in circles under flapping sails in the doldrums. Those immortal words "I need to make a plan" are in the back of my mind all the time ...

Sending hugs to all our brothers and sisters for this Bank Holiday weekend here in the UK - it's looking nice for a change! 😃

@MistyDryad happy anniversary, your celebrations sound amazing.

@speakout I feel very strongly about having been a carer for nearly 15yrs and am still trying to find myself, which was lost. As several others have said, the therapy I had this past year (first time I have had it, but very helpful) has made me also realise how I couldn't even articulate how I felt at the start. I think I was so used to "coping" by pushing down how I felt.

I took a leaf out of @Hedjwitch's book and teak oiled the garden chairs. We have a small, city garden which has been neglected with all the goings on last year and then I needed to rest my back/hips - I'm glad I can now make it a more welcoming space. I've replaced the solar, fairy lights, we have a firepit and barbecue coming and the wisteria is looking beautiful. This morning I went to a Hatha Yoga class as a step towards getting back to Vinyasa. It was a good mix of restful and powerful.

Greetings all. I am feeling more positive,thankfully. I have started taking Ashwaganda and while it may be just a coincidence,I feel brighter.
Had my best yoga class since I started 2 years ago and managed almost all of it. Then visited the art studio of a famous wildlife artist who lives nearby,and wanted to buy everything!! ( His name is Derek Robertson. Look him up)
Planted out sunflowers and teasel and weeded the herb bed. Picked a pile of oregano to dry and am now dipping in and out of various herb books and planning what oils and tinctures to make.
A nice day.

It's good to drop by here and find such lovely solar energy.
I know life still has challenges, but if we can still have moments to appreciate the world then it helps.
I have a pre- existing arrangement for this Friday- lunch with a very dear old friend- we don't get many opportunities to meet, we both work and have family commitments so I am lookong forward to meeting her. My mother has just informed me she has booked a hairdressing appointment for Firiday lunch time and would like a lift both ways. I had to catch myself as I automatically picked up my phone to text my friend to cancel. Then I stopped!- what was I thinking!! This is what being a long term carer does to us. We drown ourselves, forget what we need, forget who we are, it actually scared me in that moment, the impact of being a carer and that example was laid in front of me.
So I put away my phone and said to my mother-" I'm sorry, I can't give you a lift that day, I have a pre-existing arrangement. I can take you another day, or you can get a taxi". Her inevitable tantrum followed- " I may as well be dead, I'm just a nuiscance" but I closed my ears.

My little garden is giving me such great joy right now. The back wall of my living room is all glass, sliding doors lead to a small wooden deck- which we never use, it is North facing, and then on to the garden. The shurubs and trees are in full growth mode, the sight gives me so much pleasure, especially as I planted most of what grows there. My pear tree has provided us with spectacular spring flowers, and the fruit has set, already covered with a hundred or so baby pears- my first crop from this tree. My cherry and apple are producing too, If I had space I would love a pllum tree. My lilacs are in bloom- again first year after planting 4 years ago- apparently they need to be well established before flowering. I have been inhaling lungfuls of the sweet fragrance every time I pass.

Because there are so many "firsts" in my garden right now it feels very new, lots of pleasant surprises. I am also happy that my plans for a low maintainence garden has worked out so well, I spent all of 10 minutes yesterday clipping back some vigorous growth to make room for others that needed more space and light. The style is a little messy, but I am not fond of regimented planting, I am so happy with how things look right now.

Seeing nature in full force is incredible, reminding us of our strength and resilience.

Well done @speakout with your mother, I agree it's so hard being a carer. My late mil was the same, we were nearest - 10mins away and were expected to drop everything and the tantrums after, no idea how much you're putting yourself out for them... I put my foot down a lot of times as we were already carers for dd2.

Your garden sounds lovely. I don't mind ours looking a little wild, either.