Anyone feel like they've joined a cult - Christian perspective please

[Sweetladyjane]

This might be a rambly so I apologise in advance for this.

I recently left the evangelical church where I became a Christian after falling out with the pastors after they told me I needed to rely on God more than the Dr's for my bipolar. It wasn't a friendly leaving and I still have a lot of resentment about feeling pushed out.

I joined a CofE church where it seems the teaching is very authority driven and although they talk a lot about building a relationship with Jesus they are also very anti women leaders and take a strong line on LGBTQ+ which doesn't align with my beliefs.

This coupled with having a non-Christian boyfriend (he's an atheist) I'm feeling pushed out again. I work for a Christian charity and one of my colleagues is a fundamentalist and uses every opportunity we're alone in the office to preach at me. He even went so far as to send me scripture quotes just before I went away with my boyfriend for the weekend so he could meet my parents.

I'm feeling very confused about where I fit in at church - or even if I do and a little like I've been brain washed.

It's further complicated by the fact that I work for a Christian charity and am also a Street Pastor and volunteer in the college chaplaincy so I would have to stop the street pastors and chaplaincy work if I wasn't a member of a church and I love both of these activities and feeling a calling to help people and I'm not sure if I could find other voluntary work in the secular world.

I guess I'm looking for direction on where to go with these feelings and how to make a decision on if I leave church and go it alone.

Thank you for reading and any advice gratefully received!

[Sorciere1]

I found this for you, though I'm not Christian I have Christian friends who belong to liberal churches, this link should help you;
https://www.pcnbritain.org.uk/
it's the Progressive Church Network

[JustKen]

I am an atheist but I often read on the Religion/Philosophy boards that finding your church is like finding the ideal partner. It has to click, it uas to be harmonious, and it must encourage the best in both parties.

I read a lot about the CofE even though I don't believe and I know that not all CofE churches are run well, or allow diversity, or there's just something "off" about them. Then there are very popular, well organised, and inclusive churches. I don't think the CofE has a One Size Fits All approach, and it very much depends on the vicar and his helpers on the culture of the church.

Maybe you need to keep looking to find the church for you?

As an atheist I see it as looking for any group or hobby I feel confident and comfortable in. I think the same might be true for places of faith.

[Thegreatestoftheseislove]

@Sweetladyjane

This might be a rambly so I apologise in advance for this.

I recently left the evangelical church where I became a Christian after falling out with the pastors after they told me I needed to rely on God more than the Dr's for my bipolar. It wasn't a friendly leaving and I still have a lot of resentment about feeling pushed out.

I joined a CofE church where it seems the teaching is very authority driven and although they talk a lot about building a relationship with Jesus they are also very anti women leaders and take a strong line on LGBTQ+ which doesn't align with my beliefs.

This coupled with having a non-Christian boyfriend (he's an atheist) I'm feeling pushed out again. I work for a Christian charity and one of my colleagues is a fundamentalist and uses every opportunity we're alone in the office to preach at me. He even went so far as to send me scripture quotes just before I went away with my boyfriend for the weekend so he could meet my parents.

I'm feeling very confused about where I fit in at church - or even if I do and a little like I've been brain washed.

It's further complicated by the fact that I work for a Christian charity and am also a Street Pastor and volunteer in the college chaplaincy so I would have to stop the street pastors and chaplaincy work if I wasn't a member of a church and I love both of these activities and feeling a calling to help people and I'm not sure if I could find other voluntary work in the secular world.

I guess I'm looking for direction on where to go with these feelings and how to make a decision on if I leave church and go it alone.

Thank you for reading and any advice gratefully received!

I would encourage you to examine your heart ... and ask you a rhetorical question: do you have a calling to do the Lord's work according to His commands and guidelines for our lives, or is your desire to help others coming from yourself and maybe (?) some idealised view of 'Christianity'/ what it is to be 'Christian'? Neither is the right or wrong answer, btw but more to try and assist you as to where your need comes from.

If you're battling with different expressions of church, maybe it's a prompt to temporarily take a break from chaplaincy or street pastoring whilst you come to a place of greater peace about all that?

The fact is you do not need to 'belong' to any church, or any religion come to that, in order to help people and 'do good'. You may have to change some things and accept that if it's not a calling from God, your choices may be better achieved by embracing helping folk by working within secular charitable work.

[scoobycute]

This may not be the answer you're looking for but maybe you're struggling to fit in to a church because you have largely quite secular views on LGBTQ+ issues, sex before marriage/dating someone with different beliefs etc which many mainstream Christian Churches will not encourage.

The bible is very clear on these topics and it's not in line with your current lifestyle or beliefs. I'm sure you're not interested in getting into a heated debate about this. But what I'm saying should come as no great surprise to you.

With regard to fitting in somewhere, some very left liberal churches will hold beliefs similar to yours but that line of teaching is not biblical. Some independent home churches are not in any way regulated, this is again where you may fit in more with your line of beliefs.

I urge you to look at Christs teachings and why Christian's hold the views that are opposite to yours. Go back to the Word of God.

I wish you all the best.

[Catinabeanbag]

Sounds like you left one evangelical church and then joined another..... As others have said, there are CofE churches (and those of other denominations) whose views are in favour of women's ministry and ordination, and who accept and include LGBT people in all areas of church life.
Have a look at some local ones on the web - any that are members of the Evangelical Alliance, or New Wine Network are likely to be similar to the one you're in at the moment (to a greater or lesser degree). Have a look at their list of beliefs / values as well - that can often tell you about the sort of church they are and what sort of teaching you're likely to get there.

[Knitgoodwoman]

I’m a very liberal church going Christian and I wouldn’t be happy with a very evangelical church or one that doesn’t accept female leaders or gay people.
I’d focus less on churches and more in the scripture. Jesus loved everybody, that’s what Christianity is about.
My DH is agnostic so I know the pressure and complication there.
My current church couldn't care less he isn’t a Christian, they’re all nice to him. Where abouts in the country are you?

[Chchchanging]

I think you haven't found the right church for you. Your experience of CofE isn't mine. My church has a team of 3 all female clergy and they are open to all. There is no judgement. And my church is a small village, parish church with the usual more elderly congregation. In our parish we just want to encourage and spiritually nuture all who are interested in finding out about or exploring Christianity and a love of Jesus and we do a lot of out reach work. It's a lovely community.
My DB had a very bad experience at an evangelical Church which was extremely detrimental with regards to his serious MH condition too. So I totally get where you are coming from with that.
My DH is not a Christian either. That has never been an issue with my church.

[Drdoomish]

Very long reply typed out. Then deleted.

In brief, I'm a fully paid up happy clappy Bible believing Christian who has been having an epiphany these past few years. Lots of my views are changing. Lots of going back to the Bible and seeing what it says rather than what the preacher is telling me it says.

Two fellow happy clappy Christians who I've done church with for 30 years have changed to CofE in the last 5 years... One is becoming a vicar. They've been having epiphanies too.

Sadly, I can identify with fools saying to you that you need to rely on Jesus more than Drs. Ridiculous.

From a one fellow Christian to another, keep looking for a church which aligns with you and where you're at. It'll be out there somewhere.

[Yahyahs22]

@scoobycute

This may not be the answer you're looking for but maybe you're struggling to fit in to a church because you have largely quite secular views on LGBTQ+ issues, sex before marriage/dating someone with different beliefs etc which many mainstream Christian Churches will not encourage.

The bible is very clear on these topics and it's not in line with your current lifestyle or beliefs. I'm sure you're not interested in getting into a heated debate about this. But what I'm saying should come as no great surprise to you.

With regard to fitting in somewhere, some very left liberal churches will hold beliefs similar to yours but that line of teaching is not biblical. Some independent home churches are not in any way regulated, this is again where you may fit in more with your line of beliefs.

I urge you to look at Christs teachings and why Christian's hold the views that are opposite to yours. Go back to the Word of God.

I wish you all the best.

My thoughts exactly

[StBrides]

I have a few Christian friends and they've always been open that it can take some time to find the right church. Look up your local united reform church, they're generally a more progressive and relaxed church than the others.

[mostlydrinkstea]

So far you have experienced conservative Christianity. There are other forms. Any church that tries to stop you taking your medication is very suspect.

There are evangelical churches that are affirming of women and LGBTQI people. They might have the phrase 'open evangelical' on their website. If a church says it is a member of Inclusive church you will be welcomed. Maybe try an ordinary CofE church which may have older people in the congregation is more likely to be accepting of all. The URC are generally inclusive. Cathedrals are generally full of people hurt by other churches so you might find a home there if you are near one.

[AnnaMagnani]

It sounds like you have gone from an evangelical church to a CofE evangelical church - neither of which reflect your experience of faith.

CofE has many many approaches. High church CofE is often very conservative in worship but not necessarily in politics. However if all the ritual isn't for you, I'd look for a CofE church with a big banner outside saying 'Everyone welcome' and some women leaders on the banner.

I'd also think about your job which might be more of an issue than your church. There are loads of Christians working in charities but in a secular one you wouldn't be being harrassed at work each day by a fundamentalist who thinks he knows better than you.

[mostlydrinkstea]

All churches say ' Everyone Welcome' but you need to be an insider to decide what they mean. Very, very few conservative churches advertise their views on women in leadership and LGBQTI people on their websites. If they are members of REFORM, Forward in Faith or under alternative episcopal oversight in the C of E they will be conservative in some of their views.

Churches that are part of the New Wine or HTB network are likely to be pro women in leadership although in practice the nearest you will get to a senior leadership post is to be married to the male senior pastor. HTB does not advertise itself as conservative on LGBTQI issues although it is. I don't know about New Wine - many of my friends who are part of the network are conservative but whether that is the position of the network I don't know.

Moving away from a black and white view of the world is normal as an individual matures in faith. I hope you find somewhere that nurtures you in your walk with Christ.

[AnnaMagnani]

I think I should have been more explicit - thinking of one near me that says it, then lists who is welcome, which is also clear from their services eg LGBT worship

[Edwardandtubbs]

I think what people misunderstand/forget about the UK is that there are a number of Christians here who are Christian by tradition rather than belief, and I include myself in that number.

I am baptised and go to church regularly, but I’m not sure if I believe in God. And I sure as heck don’t believe everything scripture tells me. I feel comfortable at church and it’s my right to be there.

I believe in inclusive church, and the ‘best’ Christians I’ve met have been lesbians. People who believe far harder than me and yet have been rejected by their own church.

We have a birthright to our churches in this country, our ancestors built these buildings and they started a great tradition of sitting through services they couldn’t understand and didn’t believe in.

Everyone has the right to go to a church where they feel at home and are welcomed because that, really, is the fundamental tenet of Christianity.

I would encourage you to continue your quest to find an inclusive and welcoming church, OP. The Anglican tradition probably fits best with your needs but speak to some clergy and see what comes from it.

You certainly don’t have to put up with sanctimonious bollocks from anyone who thinks they are superior to you.

[crimsonfleet]

@scoobycute

This may not be the answer you're looking for but maybe you're struggling to fit in to a church because you have largely quite secular views on LGBTQ+ issues, sex before marriage/dating someone with different beliefs etc which many mainstream Christian Churches will not encourage.

The bible is very clear on these topics and it's not in line with your current lifestyle or beliefs. I'm sure you're not interested in getting into a heated debate about this. But what I'm saying should come as no great surprise to you.

With regard to fitting in somewhere, some very left liberal churches will hold beliefs similar to yours but that line of teaching is not biblical. Some independent home churches are not in any way regulated, this is again where you may fit in more with your line of beliefs.

I urge you to look at Christs teachings and why Christian's hold the views that are opposite to yours. Go back to the Word of God.

I wish you all the best.

There are plenty churches who's teachings are not openly homophobic. The Church of Scotland, although not sure how many of them where OP is.

[DrawingPins]

Neither of the churches you've mentioned would suit me. I think you need to try another.

I prefer more traditional CofE; lots of hymns sung with an organ and a vicar who is sensible and pragmatic and can relate the bible and faith to real life nowadays and a congregation with an average age of 75 and absolutely no guitars.

That's where I feel most comfortable and like I understand and fit into the style of service. Like Edwardandtubbs said, that's the tradition I'm used to and I feel comfortable with.

If I moved away from here I'd probably start by looking for a traditional parish church, maybe with a female vicar if I had a few options to narrow down. Perhaps you could try that?

Or the Unitarians are very inclusive... <ducks>

[Lavender14]

I'm a Christian and tbh I struggle a lot with finding a church that I feel I 'fit' with.

I recently read cranky beautiful faith by nadia bolz weber and I loved it and felt like it was very validating in a way.

I would try out lots of different churches until you find one that's the closest in terms of value base to you. Non denominational might be a good fit but again they vary a lot. I used to go to a church that has a lot of lgbtqa+ congregants and they encourage female leadership within the church which were two things very important to me. We've since moved too far for us to keep going there and we've yet to find a suitable alternative nearby.

The thing I try to keep reminding myself of is that church is made up of people and as people are all flawed a little. So it's not about finding something perfect because it doesn't really exist, but finding something close where you feel accepted. And you should feel accepted in any church where the culture is a good and ethical one. Sadly they aren't all like that.

As for your colleague I'd be quite direct and say that you appreciate his perspective but you're entitled to make your own decisions and if he kept that up I'd take that to your manager because really that is bullying behaviour even if he has "good intentions". Christians are still bound by hr!

[smilesup]

@scoobycute

This may not be the answer you're looking for but maybe you're struggling to fit in to a church because you have largely quite secular views on LGBTQ+ issues, sex before marriage/dating someone with different beliefs etc which many mainstream Christian Churches will not encourage.

The bible is very clear on these topics and it's not in line with your current lifestyle or beliefs. I'm sure you're not interested in getting into a heated debate about this. But what I'm saying should come as no great surprise to you.

With regard to fitting in somewhere, some very left liberal churches will hold beliefs similar to yours but that line of teaching is not biblical. Some independent home churches are not in any way regulated, this is again where you may fit in more with your line of beliefs.

I urge you to look at Christs teachings and why Christian's hold the views that are opposite to yours. Go back to the Word of God.

I wish you all the best.

Or maybe you are secular. I'm bipolar and understand how that the feelings we get especially through psychosis can feel religious but I don't think it is. Most religions have been placed to control us.

[Lavender14]

Also just to say I work in the community sector, I love my job, I love that I get to serve people every day and just meet them where they're at without any expectation that I need to sneak a preach in, in exchange for support. I would really struggle in a faith based organisation because I'm outspoken and I think I'd get myself in trouble trying to do what I feel is morally the right thing. So maybe you need to look a little broader?

[Britneyfan]

Hmmm I agree with others I think you’ve kind of gone from one conservative fairly hardline church to another there and it sounds like it’s not a great fit for you. It’s good to be part of a church though so keep looking.

I personally think it’s not that difficult to find a U.K. church that encourages you to rely on doctors, medication AND God for healing, a little more difficult to find one affirming of female leaders (I’ve been to lots of churches like that though, some Church of England ones, Baptist ones, actually some Presbyterian/Methodist ones, even some Pentecostal ones, maybe something like CFC or Elim would suit you on this front) but to find a church that’s openly and genuinely LBTQ supportive is more unusual. I think lots of churches are “welcoming to everyone” and would be happy for LGBTQ people to come and worship etc, but deep down are less happy with them taking a leadership position in the church and maybe even feel that it’s fine for them to have a different sexual orientation as long as they are celibate (tolerate gay couples living together or married but secretly disapprove somehow) etc. A bit of lip service being paid maybe.

I’m sure churches like that do exist but I think you’d have to actively seek them out if that’s something that is super important to you - they are likely to be younger congregations in urban centres and likely to heavily advertise the LGBTQ connection. And if they are good with LGBTQ, they’re probably also cool with female leaders and taking your bipolar meds lol. I reckon denominationally probably Church of England is the most likely to have certain of its churches take this viewpoint. One Church of England church can vary wildly compared with another in my opinion!

[LadyTrunchbull]

The church is ultimately a cult, really.

[Britneyfan]

I also agree with people saying there is no perfect church and you will never find something that aligns perfectly with absolutely everything you want from a church because churches are made up of flawed human beings etc. but I do think it’s reasonable to draw a line at being encouraged to not take your medication for bipolar! There is a halfway house. I think you should try out some alternatives.

[theduchessofspork]

I’d do some research into the different Christian denominations, and find one that aligns with your views.

You aren’t going to get on with a church that doesn’t support women leaders, and why on earth would you want to?

[theduchessofspork]

… or one that encourages you to skip your meds. (Whoever advised that probably needs to get back on their meds.)