I have a question for those MNetters who are church goers

[Yorkiegirl]

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my vicar would have had his wife phone me or sent the female assistant vicar, if he hadn't been able to call himself. I'm lucky our vicar is great, totally accepts that my DH is a non believer but has had us both round for sunday lunch.

I get emails telling me of sunday school/ church family activities as well as invite in teh post.

its a shame your not nearer me or i'd take you along to my church. its a nice anglican church which follows the regular CofE service each sunday but is brimming over with loveliness.

I'd have to say maybe worth trying another church.

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Is it a very big church YG? (Seems unusual in Methodist system for one church to have two ministers, that's all)
Dh spends a lot of his time visiting: and certainly this includes recently bereaved people post-funeral and so on.

In terms of informing people of activities, the church have a monthly newsletter and most things go in there. If someone hasn't been around for a few weeks, they will be visited and newsletter popped round (not necessarily always by dh).

Having said that where we are now most people are there regularly every week, and it's not big; so it's easy to spot who's missing.

When we've been part of much bigger churches in the past it's much easier to simply not notice if someone is not there.

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I think the culture of "visiting" is declining though. When I was at home the (Methodist) minister would visit every household at least once a year, even if they weren't in any sort of crisis. That was with a church of about 160 membership! And minister also had responsibility for half a dozen or so small chapels as well.

But some people are cr**p at visiting anyway. My parents used to complain that the ministers never came round (dad was very ill for 4 yrs, housebound for 12 months). But I was actually there on one of the two occasions when they were visited and it was excrutiatingly painful. The ministers (2 diff ones) were clearly very uncomfortable, and didn't have a clue what to say or do

Sounds like very poor pastoral care to me then.

It also doesn't sound great for your girls either. If you're not happy there, I would start having a look around the area.

My church (though it is not partic local to me) isn't very big on people chatting to you. It has more of a culture of 'letting people be' in contrast to mixing up the religious side and the social side. Different people react better to different approaches, I think.

Perhaps people in your church are just reserved and need to be 'invited' to make contact with you. Afraid of invading your privacy iyswim.

Our smallish C of E congregation is very on-message for members experiencing a hard time for whatever reason. As most of them are active pensioners a lot of "formal" and purely sociable visiting goes on. One couple missed three weeks because their dd was ill, then he was away working, and then they were on hols - and they reported four phone calls to check if they were OK
But, at our old church, there was less of a communal ethos to be honest. Social networks dominated over the congregational one and there would always be an assumption that "their friends will know they're OK".
Dare I say it YG, I'd shop around. You have every justification for wanting to be a noticed and cared for part of a church family IMO and you should be able to find yourself somewhere far more inclusive than your current church.
We have friends who just got fed up of being ignored, basically, and it took them about three goes to find a church they loved.

Kif, yy to the members of the congregation, I agree that will vary...but I do think one or other of the ministers whould have kept an eye open for YG and the dds

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I'm sorry to hear of your loss Yorkiegirl. I am actually quite shocked that you and your girls have been so neglected. Do look around for another church family who can offer you more. You're not close to York itself are you - if so I know a good church - with great stuff for kids

hi YG,
I would look for another church family to be honest.
I know our vicar (C of E) is swamped; he has a wife who is dying, 2 teenage children and 2 churches in the parish to maintain, but when I was pregnant and overdue, he offered to come and pray with me if I wanted him to. I didn't, but it made a HUGE difference to me that he had offered, and I didn't know him well at the time.
You sound like you could really do with some strong support and there will be church congregations and leaders who offer that. People change churches after divorce and when moving home so its not as if its an unthinkable act..

Good luck. I wish you all the best and will keep you in our prayers.

I agree, their pastoral care sounds crap! Certainly I would expect a lot more.

Agree with the other posters. You deserve better.

I regulary attended Church ,until this September and I sort of had a deep depression and stopped going I emailed our Vicar and he came out and sat in the house for 5 mins one evening to tell me about other services apart from the Sunday one.

Since then I have heard nothing even though he was meant to be doing a service to remember our DD . He was very involved with my family whilst we attended but since I had some problems he has basically dropped from our lives which I find very sad I do feel abandoned aswell . I also feel that I can't just walk back into Church now even though I badly want to .

Last september

Look for somewhere else. I can't believe they have ignored you. I really hope our church family would do much better, and I would be gutted if DH had been the minister who had let you down like that.

But rather than just leave I would be inclined to see them or write to them to let them know why you are not going to be coming. This lets them know that they should have done better, so they can be held accountable and have the chance to change their behaviour another time, and it gives them a chance to explain why they didn't visit you (not that I think they can have any good reason, but just in case they has been some ghastly misunderstanding).

I really hope you can find a church family that will love you and look after you. And perhaps this experience will give you insights that will mean you can care for others in a similar situation better. All the best.

Made me that you have been left so unsupported. We moved churches 3 years ago when dd1 was small. Very different family circumstances to yours, but we found our previous church very "cliquey" - and we weren't in the "in" crowd. All very sad. I and another friend with little ones were deliberately left out of things as we weren't part of the clique.

So, we moved to our local parish church, and have been made to feel so at home. The vicar visited automatically when dd2 was born, and was very relaxed, just sat on the sofa with us all and had a cup of tea. We have also joined a smaller cell group within the church so are supported by the smaller group members too. It was a real relief to us to move churches, despite initial misgivings about whether it was right.

I hope you find a true spiritual home in all senses of the word, and get the support and love you need. So sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm sorry to hear this YG.

As well as the ministers our church has a fairly strong pastoral system based around smallgroups. Whilst the smallgroups may meet fortnightly or so, it has to be said that not everyone can or wants to make a mid-week evening meeting, but it does mean that everyone is under the care of another couple in the church. We run such a group for about 20 people, of whom half would turn up to a meeting, and the rest we keep in touch with by email/text/phone. So we would inform them of any extra events goign on. We have a lady who is signed off work for depression, and for the last 3 weeks the group have prepared and delivered her families evening meals and have also arranged for her ironing to be done. I haven't actually been to see her as she has made it clear that she doesn't want to see people at present (which is understandable in the circumstance), but have spoken with her dh and checked as to how he is coping. We've just had a couple who have got married, so in the run up to the wedding we did a marriage preparation course with them, as well as organising a hen hight. And we run a few social events for the group - say a Sunday lunch followed by a walk or something, with any kids bringing bikes or scooters.

Certainly I think that there are plenty of friendly churches out there. It does seem a shame to have been treated in the way you have. I wouldn't get too hung up on denominations tbh. Look for one which looks after children and families. One with a smallgroup/housegroup/cellgroup/whatevergroup structure may help you to build relationships fairly quickly.

So sorry to hear about your loss and the sad way you have been neglected by your ministers

Unfortunately, just because someone is a minister, it doesn't stop them from getting things badly wrong sometimes. Hopefully this was completely unintentional on their part, but if the church can't provide what you need then I would say you are not unreasonable to look for another one.

Totally agree with LadyMuck - our church sounds a lot like hers and certainly what a church should be doing. I would also say that it's important to give as much as you get, to get involved with people and jobs and groups, but obviously when you're in a position to do so. In the meantime, while you're grieving and struggling, you should definitely be able to expect more TLC than you are receiving.

God bless.

Oh darling this is so poor.
Just at a time when you need people to be there for you
So sorry

If you are in York (as your name suggests) then I know of an amazing church in York and would happily meet you there (it's C of E). My dh is Methodist and he has no probs with it as a service or a community
Love to you and hope you are ok

hi again YG,
i've just spoken to dh about this. he thinks that while it may be necessary to ultimately find a new church, he thought that you really ought to tell someone at this church how you feel. is there another mother who attends sunday school who you could ask about trips and outings and perhaps explain to her how hurt you feel at missing out on things like this?
it may be that people don't realize how much more you would like to be included in activities.

again, we are thinking of you and wish you the best.

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I'm sorry Yorkie. My church is really good at this kind of thing. But i live in a place where all the churches have decided to work together.

I would like to help if i can.

I would find a new church if I was you. You often hear talk of the "church family" but the one you're attending seems to have lost that aspect totally.

Even if the ministers haven't contacted you, someone should really have done. And for your DC not to be told about Sunday School stuff if they're not there on the day it's announced that's not on either.

I'm lucky that our church as a fantastic "family" and are very supportive of each other.