Church requesting 2nd meeting about baptism. Is this normal?

[nc876]

Name changed as potentially outing.

I've booked in my newest baby for his baptism at our local c of E church. My eldest children were also baptised there when the church was under different leadership.

I emailed and they asked for a meeting, i said fine and 2 of the leadership team came to my house. Asked about my reasons for wanting the baby baptised and my own faith. All fine. Although did feel like an interview at the time. Booked a date. Then confirmed later by email. The baby will be baptised in the children's service (I wanted this because I have other children and this is most suitable to them).

Now 2 months later they have asked for another meeting to discuss it again and they want to speak to my children about it. Three adults want to come to my house for this. Is this normal? Dh and I have spoken to the children about it already in the terms that we wish to and they know about their own baptism and well as seeing others. I suggested they speak to us after the next service we attend instead but this seemed to have been brushed aside (we will be taking the children to the next few Childrens Sundays).

For backstory to avoid a drip feed - The previous leadership of this church was quite intense/too evangelical for me/some have said spiritually abusive which is why we are no longer church goers and I'm uneasy about interactions with the children.

We had at least two meetings when our children were Baptised into a C of E Church. I have a feeling that there were supposed to be more but I didn't need them all as I am a regular Church attender.

We had to go on a six week course, two hours every Sunday...

But did they insist on meeting with your other children?

Sounds intense @MaverickGooseGoose! C of E?

I'd just go to a church you like and when you are more established in the parish then do the baptism.

At my church you'd have to come regularly for baptism but only one formal"meeting" then a presentation before the christening day.

If you don't like the church dont get your child baptised there.

I get it as I'd want to baptise ASAP as well but you probably need to think about whether sticking with this church is a good idea.

We had two meetings I think it's normal!

Thanks @ZenNudist I don't dislike the church particularly, I think the new leadership is a marked improvement on the last but this sort of thing with the children makes me feel very jittery. I just don't feel called to attend regularly in the same way I have in the past. I could turn myself in knots over that but I choose not to.

I was baptised as an adult and my own preference would be a thanksgiving but my in laws are very frail and elderly (and very religious) and the baptism needs to be soon so they can be a part of it. It's very important to them and DH (although he is not religious) that it happens and will cause discontent in the family if it doesn't.

Thanks @skywalkersweetie

If they want to speak to the children, it could be to see how they’d like to be involved in the service.

You clearly don’t feel comfortable with the whole thing, so perhaps you should consider doing it elsewhere or not doing it. The thing is, this Church is what it is, and you can choose to go along with the way they prepare people for baptism or not. However, you can’t dictate how they will do it.

Have another think about if you really want to do it and if this Church is the right place for you. If not, consider going somewhere else. However you might find the expectations of preparation are greater. Is it that you just want to turn up and do it? That’s not usually how it works. The Church are suggesting there’s more to it than that and want people to have an understanding of it - and it’s your choice whether you want to engage with the whole process or not.

If you’re wanting to be involved with the Church and part of it, it’s important to find one that you feel comfortable with and the leadership too. Or is it that you aren’t I tereete in getting involved and just want to do the baptism?

Hope it all works out for you and is a very special day.

@WombatChocolate
If a condition of the baptism is access to my children without me questioning that then of course the whole thing is off.

Honestly, I wouldn’t imagine they want to talk with the children beyond helping them to feel involved and comfortable and aware of what will be happening. It’s most likely to be that they want the whole family to feel involved and part of it and to recognise the vIcar or anyone else involved ahead of time…about putting them at their ease.

But of course, you need to know that and asking what the purpose of talking to the children is, before agreeing is perfectly fine. Sounds like they could have been clearer about what this session is about.

However, don’t assume bad motives or negative effects of it and keep an open mind until you’ve talked to them about it. Of course, you would be with the children anyway - no-one will be wanting to see the children alone.

You do sound like you’ve got quite a lot of anxiety surrounding it all. Even if other members of the family would really like it to happen, if you don’t feel comfortable or want to do it, remember you can call a halt at any point. It doesn’t have to happen.

No RC, and first communion was even more intense. All my Irish family couldn't believe it including two aunts who are nuns! They pretty much just rock up and get 'done' but here I think it is to deter false school applications in my area.

I'm Catholic, not CofE, but we had 4 sessions before my child's baptism. They didn't meet the child until the morning of the baptism. We didn't have to repeat the course for our subsequent children

Thank you.
I think we only had 1 meeting for the others and I'm in the "rock up and get done" camp. I really see it as very straightforward and can't see why I would need to be involved in planning the service. I see that as a job for the clergy, it's not a wedding 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like a school admission job to me - not wanting to go to church but wanting the baptism. Surely if they’re ‘spiritually abusive’ you wouldn’t want them performing the baptism either?!

No @Cuppasoupmonster do reread, that was the previous lot.

No school admissions intent at all.

Sorry my mistake. Have you been regularly attending under the new leadership?

Legally they have to baptise your children. If they refuse you can take it to the bishop. Canon B22 is the reference in Canon Law.

No I've remained peripherally involved and generally supportive. I go to some things, not everything and not regularly. I know the church folk and the new leadership and they know me.

Ha, I might not jump straight to threatening legal action 🤪

Sorry, that should say they have to baptise the children if you live in their parish as they have legal responsibility for the spiritual well being of everyone that lives there.

I'm curious have you needed to use this @PurBal? Is it a regular problem to have children turned away?

@nc876 fair enough. I just think it’s a bizarre approach to have when it literally forms part of their license. I know of a CofE priest who had their license revoked by the Bishop because they refused to baptise infants (from what I recall they changed their stance on the theology of infant baptism which a fairly major part of the CofE)

I think most vicars these days realise that baptism is both a religious celebration and an opportunity for those of faith or not to welcome a new life - and they know that there will be a mixed congregation who will fall into one of those two categories. And they also know that it is more important in a religious sense to some than it is to others - especially grandparents or great grandparents for whom it might feel more meaningful. But most vicars go along with this with a rational head screwed on and recognise that it is an opportunity to welcome people of all faiths or none into their church, and to showcase Christianity in action by the warmth of the welcome.

If they are being arsy I would walk away and organise the ceremony somewhere with a bit more heart and humanity.

@nc876 no but I have worked for a church and a bishop so I know what can and can’t be “refused”. Technically you need to ask the priest who has spiritual responsibility for the child if you can baptise them (eg if you wanted them baptised in a different parish to where they live). This is called “cure of souls” and is referenced on the legal document issued by the bishop on behalf of the crown.

Bizarre to require parents to have lots of meetings?

I don't mind the meetings as such, although for me it's a bit pointless. I just don't see why my children need to be spoken to. It's not their choice to have their brother baptised. I've requested it and they are my promises to make so it feels a bit off to insist on speaking to the other children.