Church requesting 2nd meeting about baptism. Is this normal?

[nc876]

Name changed as potentially outing.

I've booked in my newest baby for his baptism at our local c of E church. My eldest children were also baptised there when the church was under different leadership.

I emailed and they asked for a meeting, i said fine and 2 of the leadership team came to my house. Asked about my reasons for wanting the baby baptised and my own faith. All fine. Although did feel like an interview at the time. Booked a date. Then confirmed later by email. The baby will be baptised in the children's service (I wanted this because I have other children and this is most suitable to them).

Now 2 months later they have asked for another meeting to discuss it again and they want to speak to my children about it. Three adults want to come to my house for this. Is this normal? Dh and I have spoken to the children about it already in the terms that we wish to and they know about their own baptism and well as seeing others. I suggested they speak to us after the next service we attend instead but this seemed to have been brushed aside (we will be taking the children to the next few Childrens Sundays).

For backstory to avoid a drip feed - The previous leadership of this church was quite intense/too evangelical for me/some have said spiritually abusive which is why we are no longer church goers and I'm uneasy about interactions with the children.

I agree with @WombatChocolate

To me, you saying and I'm in the "rock up and get done" camp. I really see it as very straightforward and can't see why I would need to be involved in planning the service. I see that as a job for the clergy, it's not a wedding makes it sound like you just want to go through the motions, rather than make a public promise to bring your baby up in the Christian faith.
I would expect any Church Leader to have several conversations with parents who aren't Church goers, asking them about their understanding of the commitment they are making.
As others have said, I assume they would just like to meet the dc and see if they would like to be involved in some way, and possibly explain to them what will happen in the service. I don't see that as being sinister.

C of E never require baptism for admissions anyway

To be honest, it sounds like it’s all about wanting the baptism done on your terms, and that you aren’t interested in the Church or in seeing that is their place to choose the process and preparation for baptism. Of course, you can walk away and not continue if you don’t like it.

I find this ‘it’s my right’ and ‘I could sue them’ or ‘the priest could be sacked’ thing really odd. Why do you want your children baptised? Do you want to be part of the Church and what in involves or not? If you aren’t interested in accepting the decisions they make about how to do a range of things, why exactly do you want to have the kids baptised and be involved?

I understand that people have a range of levels of faith and people at the service won’t all be Christians and that the Church wants to be welcoming to all. Absolutely. But that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be saying they have a certain level of expectation regarding meeting people, or covering the basics of what baptism or marriage in the Church means. They don’t view it as ‘just turn up and get done’ but as something more than than that. There might be other Churches that would allow that approach, and I guess if you’re not interested at all in being involved into the future or faith, then that would be attractive. But if you are interested in even a peripheral involvement for you and/or the kids, the fact that they want to ensure those choosing baptism have some understanding if it, and give a chance family involved to feel they know the Church leadership and are known themselves, would surely be seen as a positive and not an imposition. Church is a community thing and people might be involved to different levels, but how can you join a community if you haven’t even met the people and got to know them a bit and you got to know them, and understood a bit more about what the community is about?

Perhaps some people see the meetings as being ‘inspected’ or ‘preached to’. Honestly, I’m sure it really is about getting to know you a bit more and because the Church is family focused, making sure the kids feel part of it too - so they feel more comfortable and at ease on the day of baptism and have some sense of what’s going on.

Absolute nonsense from @WombatChocolate. If you'd read any of my posts you'll see my opinion is the opposite of your "I find this ‘it’s my right’ and ‘I could sue them’ or ‘the priest could be sacked’ thing really odd." Comment, I just find that offensive.

I don't see it as my place to dictate how the service is so I'm a bit confused about why I'd be consulted on it, repeatedly, Remember this is not our first baptism, DH and I are both baptised, we come from believing families and this is the 4th child being baptised. None of this strange fanfare went on before. I have discussed the promises, understand these and have no issues. I think the church folk are behaving quite strangely over the children.

Imagine it - 3 adults in their 60s the children only vaguely know turning up at house house specifically to speak to them about the meaning of baptism. It's odd. It's might come with a good intention but it's misguided and leadership are not infallible, they can come up with strange ideas in a well meaning way. I'm pretty sure there is no direction from the bishop to say my children should also be interviewed.

Furthermore as their mother and father we, not the church, are responsible for their spiritual teaching. There are a wide variety of views within the c of E. Some I teach the children and some I reject. No church is perfect and wanting my child baptised does not mean I have to agree with absolutely everything or teach that to my children.

It seems it's usual to have 1+ meeting with parents and I have no problem with that. They can have as many meetings as they like with me and DH.

I'd talk to the person who sent the email and explain that you're confused about why they want to meet with the children. I can see why you're reticent about this and hopefully they're just looking to include your other children in the service and make sure they don't feel left out or as if all the focus is on the new baby.
If it's anything other than that I'd tell them to stick it. It's a Baptism, you're not applying to join the priesthood.

Why do three of them need to come?

This is precisely what DH said. I didn't want to ask this before considering whether I was happy with the meeting happening at all in case they said okay we'll send 2 and I'd somehow accidentally agreed to this.

Thanks @Youdbetterthrowaparty I'll have to come with a way of tactfully asking what they intend with it.

WombatChocolate didn't say that you said those things - she is referring to other posters. Talking about comments in this discussion.

I think she is absolutely right.

Imagine it - 3 adults in their 60s the children only vaguely know turning up at house house specifically to speak to them about the meaning of baptism.

I obviously haven't seen the e-mail / wasn't party to the phone call, but I very much doubt that is what they have asked, or what they intend to do. It is normal before any ceremony (in this case Church service) that you are to be part of, to have someone explain what is going to happen. It makes sense for your other children to know in advance what is going to go on.

I'm pretty sure there is no direction from the bishop to say my children should also be interviewed. and I'm pretty sure this isn't what is going to happen.

Why do three of them need to come?

All kinds of possibilities - In my Church the Minister and the Cradle Roll Secretary would both be involved, and more often than not there is a student on placement, which quickly makes 3.

Or
Possibly someone doesn't drive and someone else is kindly giving them a lift.

Or
Possible the Pastoral Lead would like to get to know you all a bit better so is coming to welcome you.

But we are all speculating. If it really makes a difference whether it is 2 people or 3, then ask.

You could view it as a good test for the church. Don't stand on ceremony. You get to 'interview' them. And if they refuse the baptism (very unlikely) or are rude you wouldn't want your child to be baptised at that particular church anyway. 😉

Op, you do seem to feel very negative about lots of things about it all. Is there anyway you can just push yourself to feel more positive and open to the idea that there’s unlikely to be any unpleasant motive from anyone and you can go with the flow of it all a bit more?

Isn’t this whole thing meant to be a happy thing and pleasurable and a celebration of your DC, rather than a big chore and stress?

It seems such a shame that you seem to feel so critical and suspicious of it all.

But absolutely, yes, do ask about the visit. If the suggestion if 3 coming is just too many and the number makes it feel intimidating, I’m sure you could say that and they’d understand and just send 2. Perhaps they never like to send one alone. I’d imagine it’s all very informal and pretty short and they just like to go away feeling they’ve out you and the children at ease about the whole thing…..not a scary meeting that you have to ‘pass’ but helping everyone feel ready for the big day. Perhaps you don’t feel like it’s a big day it to be one. But most people having a baptism will and I think that’s why the advance stuff is there.

Hope it all goes well and is a special day for you all.

I'm a regular church goer. And I wouldn't be thrilled if three people announced they needed to come round. I think the church might want to have a think about how this might look to people unfamiliar with their institution and explain as they go along, not assume everyone knows what they intend. - vicar fine. But not a party of three.

‘ Dear X
Thanks for arranging to come and visit us at home ahead of Ys baptism on…..We are all looking forward to the service and to seeing you.

You mention 3 people coming to see us and talking to the children too. Could I just ask for a bit of information about this in advance, so I can prepare the children? We might prefer it if just 2 people came to visit, finding 3 a bit overwhelming, if that’s okay with you. Is it just a social chat to get to know the children, or talking them through the service or is there more to it than that? Any information would just be useful.

Really looking forward to it all’

Akways best to ask and out your mind at rest if something is worrying you.

Actually, I'm kind of with PurBal. C of E is an established church with special rights. With those rights come responsibilities. One of them is baptism.

Personally, though, I'd fix that with disestablishment, but I recognise that won't solve your elderly PIL/4th baby/baptism problem.

Thank you everyone. It seems the extra meeting is not uncommon.

As I've said before, meeting fine but making a meeting for a load of church elders to meet to the children seems weird.

I am looking forward to the day.

I'll ask as @WombatChocolate has suggested, thank you for that

I'm starting to agree with you both. I'm sure if Christians tried to be little less weird and intense then less people would be put off God

Are baptism meetings standard in CoE? My children are baptised Catholic and there were no meetings.

"I'm sure if Christians tried to be little less weird and intense then less people would be put off God"

Wow. Just wow.

"I'm sure if Christians tried to be little less weird and intense then less people would be put off God"

Well, the whole idea of Christianity does reach beyond conversations about the weather. It's not always that easy to include people whilst maintaining a reserve. Different people want different things. I think, generally, it's worth maintaining a certain amount of 'chill' to let people be themselves, weird, intense, loud, quiet, nosy, disinterested. Sit back and observe. Try to enjoy the show!😁

Am really wondering why you want to be part of this Church if you believe the people to be 'weird'.

If you're not happy with the church, why would you want your child to be a member? I think that involving the other children is putting a lot of pressure on them-presumably they should have a choice about being church members?

Wrong thread!!!

@GlasgowGal82 you’re right! Apologies. I have no idea how my post ended up on here as I’ve not read this thread. i’ll report my post and see if HQ can delete and see what’s happened