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Original poster

Do most Christians think evangelising when someone dies is ok?

40 replies

buckeejit · 08/02/2023 21:31

I buried my wonderful father today, 13 months after burying my mother. My mum's death was expected & we nursed her for months, my dad was sudden.

He was a very Godly man, I'm from a staunch Presbyterian family. I don't attend church any longer, my beliefs have evolved to be more liberal & I find it frustrating at best to listen to sermons-haven't heard anyone that I genuinely enjoyed listening to in years and just don't agree with so much of the focus on 'ye must be born again'. My brother is a preacher also.

I received a card to my dad's house addressed to me & my family, not my 3 siblings. Inside the sympathy card was a letter from some not close friend of dad's & someone I couldn't pick out from a line up, although know of them & have possibly met them. The letter went on to detail the story of the dying man who said to each of the children in turn, 'see you in the morning a,b & c....but not you x because you're not saved & wont be in heaven'
Then I think it basically urged me to think on & what my dad would have wanted. I scrunched up the letter & not sure if I've binned it but will look for it.

I did not need this shit today. I find attempting to manipulate people's grief to drum up business is repugnant. Why not just say 'I'm praying for you' & try to be supportive rather than this?

I hate the thought of her repeating this behaviour-that this is something she feels appropriate to send to someone she barely knows at such a time. It's really added a lot of negativity to my day.

Do you think her letter is appropriate & ok? I'm thinking of writing back to her.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 21:39

No, I do not think this was OK at all. There is a time and a place for attempting to evangelise, but this was not it by a long way!

However, it may have been your dad had discussed your lapsed faith with them and that they truly believe that they need to say something in order to "save your soul". I'm not saying that this makes it right, but maybe just so that you can see where they're coming from.

I am sorry for your loss and for the pain this letter has caused.

BishyBarnyBee · 08/02/2023 21:40

It's very inappropriate and I think very few Christians would try to evangelise in that situation.

I think you are quite entitled to write back that you found her letter extremely unkind and uncaring at a time when any true Christian would be thinking about the grief of the family and not trying to impose their own views on someone they don't know very well.

Having said that, my own experience of bereavement is that there was a lot of anger around and sometimes it was best to reflect on things rather than respond to them.

But you are 100% entitled to be pissed off with her.

Euchariahere · 08/02/2023 21:42

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father (and mother before).

No you are right to be pissed off it is totally inappropriate however I suspect if you told the person who issued it to you they would never ever be able to see your point of view so suspect it would be a waste your time.

echoesacrosstheether · 08/02/2023 21:42

Oh, sorry for your loss, @buckeejit! It's entirely understandable this upset you! I don't know that that letter would be appropriate in any situation! I am pretty sure the person who sent it might well come across some very hostile responses if they continue on in this manner. Don't you waste any more brain space on it, though. You need to be focused on coming to terms with your father's death and making space for that. Cherish those loved ones around you and focus on that.

kitcat15 · 08/02/2023 21:55

What a cuntish thing to do….and they call themselves godly?? ….. WTF

LocalHobo · 08/02/2023 21:57

Mischance · 08/02/2023 22:03

Well of course it is wholly inappropriate and one of the reasons I steer well clear of organised religion. They become so tangled up in their doctrines that humanity and kindness go out of the window.

I am so very sorry about your two bereavements and hope that you can put this unpleasantness aside. They do not deserve a reply. Just bin it.

Take care x

Original poster

buckeejit · 08/02/2023 22:03

Thank you for your replies. I feel a bit better having spewed it out as haven't mentioned to dh or anyone. I've lived through a lifetime of being evangelised to & for the most part, I am non committal in response in order to avoid discomfort.

I will put it out of mind for a day or 2 & try to heal somewhat from the last week. I need a rest. Will focus my energies elsewhere for now. Thanks again

OP posts:

DarkNurseries · 08/02/2023 22:07

I think you should absolutely spew about if it makes you feel even slightly better. Sorry for your loss, OP. This person is a deeply unpleasant religious maniac.

mrscumberbatch11 · 08/02/2023 22:44

So sorry about the loss of your parents.

That woman was highly inappropriate. Don't give her another minutes thought for now. But in a week or so, or whenever you feel like, yes, I think you should write back to her and tell her, very calmly, how meddlesome, inappropriate, unnecessary and upsetting her letter was. And urge her not to do it to anyone else.

Cherryana · 08/02/2023 22:53

So sorry for your loss.

No it is not okay.

However, a certain type of Christian does seem to see these times as their chance to evangelise.

The type is usually bit black and white in their thinking, anxious and with little going on and so these ‘certain facts’ no matter how unpalatable serve to keep them feeling safe.

mathanxiety · 08/02/2023 23:05

There are a lot of different denominations within the Christian umbrella. The sort that claims to know when someone is 'saved' is one strand. They tend to be extremely evangelical because they get very worried about this.

They also allow their zeal to get the better of them sometimes and do incredibly rude and inconsiderate and frankly offensive things. I've been on the receiving end, as a RC, from someone who attended a RC funeral with a very pronounced cats bum face, and judging from the links she sent me afterwards thinks we're all papist blasphemers who are going straight to hell.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/02/2023 23:11

I am so sorry you have lost your parents. I have no words for that woman. What an absolute fucking bitch she was. I think I would write in a few days and say that you thought that was probably the most unchristian act she could've carried out and that she was attempting to distress you at the saddest time of your life when she hardly knows you. I would tell her that if she wrote to you again you would make sure people learned just how vicious she was.

howmanybicycles · 08/02/2023 23:41

It's an awful letter to receive OP and highly unsupportive. Sorry for your loss.

Isithotinhere · 08/02/2023 23:45

It's an awful thing to do, she's a total cow - she's got into your head at an awful time with a poison pen letter. As others have said try to ignore it for now - hard to do, anger can be a distraction from grief.

If you decide to follow it up, rather than you writing to her, could you write to the minister instead? If she's crass enough to send you that letter she's not likely to reflect on her actions in response to a letter from you, but if her minister talks to her she at least has to listen to him, and it might get her to stop sending similar letters to other families.

And she'd probably really hate the minister telling her off.

So sorry for your loss, I found losing my Dad 16 months after my mum so much harder - I was so focused on supporting my dad through his bereavement when mum died that I didn't have time to grieve, when I lost him it hit har, so take care of yourself and let your family and friends take care of you.

UsingChangeofName · 08/02/2023 23:46

Simply ? No

I'd suggest this person is from a very, very tiny minority.

The letter is very inappropriate and I if there are any more than her, it would be only a handful of Christians who would try to evangelise in that situation.

I am sorry for your loss, OP.
Don't waste your time and energy writing back. Shred the letter and move forward.

figmaofmyimagination · 08/02/2023 23:51

That’s disgusting.

PandaG · 08/02/2023 23:53

I'm so sorry you experienced this, on top of your grief. There is definitely a place for sharing who you believe God is at a time of pain and loss, but only if it is asked for directly by the grieving family. I'd want to say I was praying for someone in those circumstances, and if I had the relationship with someone where it might be appropriate I'd offer to pray with them, and ask if there was anything practical I could do. I'd only offer more of my perspective if it were sought.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/02/2023 23:58

I am sorry for both your losses, @buckeejit .

That's not a message from a Christian. That's a message from an absolute fucking prick masquerading as one.

A relative of mine died a fortnight ago. I have been blown away by the kindness and support shown by the people around me, not necessarily in terms of their faith (which for them is absolutely unquestionable), not necessarily in terms of what they have said, as some of them have been unintentionally a little clumsy in their wording - with absolutely no malice, it's hard to know what is the right thing to say, but what they have all said and done for my benefit has been entirely out of pure kindness and care.

I hope that you have encountered far more people like them and in time, the memory of their loving nature outweighs the cruelty of that one bitter, spiteful and cruel woman.

Vincitveritas · 09/02/2023 14:37

Completely inappropriate, especially under the circumstances, let's hope she at least meant well. I'm sorry for your losses @buckeejit

purplecorkheart · 09/02/2023 14:52

My sympathies on the loss of you parents.

That as an awful letter to send. It was cruel and nasty and I would guess the person who sent it is also cruel and nasty

picklemewalnuts · 09/02/2023 14:59

Card carrying Christian here.

That was a completely inappropriate, insensitive and unkind letter. I am sorry.

I hope that everyone else around you behaves with more grace and compassion, and that their support outweighs the dickery of the letter writer.

larchforest · 09/02/2023 15:10

That was a despicable thing to do.

I'd be tempted to write back and say that if that is what her religion is like, you wouldn't want to end up in the same place as her anyway.

pointythings · 09/02/2023 15:13

Wow, that's appalling. You're fully entitled to be upset. I like the idea of contacting the person's minister, but that may mean a lot of work tracking them down so possibly not worth it.

Most Christians are really not like this. I'm a card carrying atheist but when my husband died I had a CofE priest conduct the funeral because he and most of his family had faith. She was lovely, really took on board that the DC (older teens) and I had no faith and conducted a service that was beautiful, warm and compassionate in which everyone felt included. That's how it should be for everyone.

Alliswells · 09/02/2023 15:13

That was a very mean selfish arrogant uncaring and down right nasty person who sent you that.

She may claim to be Christian but her actions is totally not reflective of what Jesus would do.

So sorry for your loss. I've been there receand know how gut wrenchingly tough it is.

Please accept a virtual non religious hug from me ...

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