New moon blessings and welcome to all newcomers.
I'm Mariel. I've changed my name because I need once again to post for support in this lovely thread, and some of this information is revealing.
Having just worked through a slow recovery from a serious injury, discovered that my blood-clotting issues might pose a permanent threat to me, then recently discovered my former husband had died, DH and I took another hammer-blow this week. A routine MRI has just shown up suspected prostate cancer. This was a complete bolt from the blue. He had a biopsy last week, and we now have three weeks to wait until the result.
I don't know how much longer I can lurch from crisis to crisis, or keep clawing myself back up from the brink from disaster mode back into survival mode. And it's screwing with my head. When my aunt died, I dreamed I'd lose my mother of the same (exceptionally rare) cancer, and I did. When I heard of my ex-husband's death, I had a horrible vision of my own DH's funeral. Then we heard this.
I think I'm likely catastrophising because I've lost so many other loved ones too soon, and the news has always been the absolute worst case scenario. Then there's been the unsettling factor that I seen to have foreseen these losses, when all that's likely is that my worst fears of same thing happening to those closest to me were manifesting in dreams. But it doesn't help that two instances of this have come to pass already - and together with the fact that I keep seeing lone magpies - it's all frightening the life out of me.
I have the horrible, doubtless irrational, but persistent feeling that I've inadvertently invited some harmful, malevolent force into my life. I don't know what, or how, and I'm not very experienced in this spiritual path, having only followed it for a few years. I'm not wiccan, but have always tried to follow the mantra of 'harm none'. So my first overwhelming instinct was to go and throw my tarot cards, in their wooden box, into the river (all biodegradable). I would ask, if anyone is able to work any magic to dispel evil luck, or to undo curses, or just to send some healing energy, would you please do me the honour of sending some in my direction?
I also have a difficulty to face. I'm indulging in some real superstitious nonsense here. My spiritual path is a comfort, and it took a great deal to unpick the Christian past and turn to what I believed was the correct one. But if it's playing with my head to this degree, I have to face the question of whether I've chosen the right path for me. I am going to meditate on this, to connect with nature and the divine feminine, and beyond this, do nothing, not even so much as the casting of a protective circle.
Between the biopsy and DH's results, I'm at Haematology. I have no idea what we're going to hear on either of these two occasions. I feel I'm living through a never-ending nightmare that I can't wake up from.