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Original poster

Adultery

36 replies

fedupxo · 31/10/2022 21:14

Hello!

There's no real way to start these things than to just go for it, hey?

I have no doubt I will be flamed for this and I wouldn't blame a single one of you for that.

I am in my 30's and married with one child. I am a member of a local evangelical church. I love God and I am very involved in my church.

Trouble is, I am struggling desperately.

Recently, another member of my church and I admitted we had feelings for each other. He is also married with kids. We work very closely together in lots of areas, so I guess this hasn't helped.

We speak every day and see each other at church meetings and socially. Everything is very PG, we haven't crossed any physical barriers apart from a hug last week, but that was it. When we talk, we often remind each other that we need to be careful and try to keep things platonic so that we remain faithful to our spouses. I am finding this incredibly difficult. He is much more assertive when it comes to this due to his history with infidelity! He knows the harm it caused.

I am really struggling though. My feelings for him are incredibly strong and I find myself thinking about him 24/7. It's pathetic! I have tried everything to shake it, but I can't.

How do I get over this? Please, can someone help? Anyone?

Thanks.

OP posts:
00kitty · 31/10/2022 22:46

Sounds like you need to cut contact and find a new church

Dotcheck · 31/10/2022 22:48

Of course you shouldn’t cheat- it is dishonest and will hurt everyone involved. However, why do you have to stay married?

MarigoldPetals · 31/10/2022 22:48

You are in the grip of a crush. I would distance yourself and find a new church.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 23:01

fedupxo · 31/10/2022 21:14

Hello!

There's no real way to start these things than to just go for it, hey?

I have no doubt I will be flamed for this and I wouldn't blame a single one of you for that.

I am in my 30's and married with one child. I am a member of a local evangelical church. I love God and I am very involved in my church.

Trouble is, I am struggling desperately.

Recently, another member of my church and I admitted we had feelings for each other. He is also married with kids. We work very closely together in lots of areas, so I guess this hasn't helped.

We speak every day and see each other at church meetings and socially. Everything is very PG, we haven't crossed any physical barriers apart from a hug last week, but that was it. When we talk, we often remind each other that we need to be careful and try to keep things platonic so that we remain faithful to our spouses. I am finding this incredibly difficult. He is much more assertive when it comes to this due to his history with infidelity! He knows the harm it caused.

I am really struggling though. My feelings for him are incredibly strong and I find myself thinking about him 24/7. It's pathetic! I have tried everything to shake it, but I can't.

How do I get over this? Please, can someone help? Anyone?

Thanks.

Give in to your desires, enjoy yourselves, you only live once, as for morals, consider then more a flexible code, than a set of prescribed rules.

All the best op

blurer · 31/10/2022 23:06

There was a similar post to this on the general relationships board so I'm not sure if it was you or not.

he has a history of infidelity, so this isn't anything special to him. It's just what he does....if it wasn't you he'd do it with someone else.

Would have slightly more sympathy if it was completely out of character for you both and were genuinely unable to control your feelings (and weren't acting upon them) but this is what he does

He's probably also "reminding" you not to do anything (even though you're not doing anything 🙄) to pique your interest even more and make it seem even more ilicit and out of reach to make you want it more. It's reverse psychology page 1

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 23:08

blurer · 31/10/2022 23:06

There was a similar post to this on the general relationships board so I'm not sure if it was you or not.

he has a history of infidelity, so this isn't anything special to him. It's just what he does....if it wasn't you he'd do it with someone else.

Would have slightly more sympathy if it was completely out of character for you both and were genuinely unable to control your feelings (and weren't acting upon them) but this is what he does

He's probably also "reminding" you not to do anything (even though you're not doing anything 🙄) to pique your interest even more and make it seem even more ilicit and out of reach to make you want it more. It's reverse psychology page 1

Was it the fanny flutters one ?

blurer · 31/10/2022 23:12

@Hawkins001 the one I'm thinking of was when the OM kept flirting and crossing boundaries, then would suddenly take the moral high ground about how nothing could possibly happen. The OP would back off then he'd ramp it up again to suck her back in

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2022 23:18

blurer · 31/10/2022 23:12

@Hawkins001 the one I'm thinking of was when the OM kept flirting and crossing boundaries, then would suddenly take the moral high ground about how nothing could possibly happen. The OP would back off then he'd ramp it up again to suck her back in

Think I missed that one,

CaptainMum · 31/10/2022 23:22

Christian or not, cheating is wrong and causes significant damage and pain. Taking this relationship further will only result in regret and anguish. For what? Momentary desire. Flee. Stop the groups, cut contact, change church. Speak to someone there you trust and ask for help. So not be that person. If you're unhappy in your marriage, end it. Then you're single. Leave him alone.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/10/2022 23:28

The fact he has a history of this means you should avoid him like the plague. He is deliberately paying you attention as he enjoys the flirtation. Make friends with his wife and see what pain you would cause her..and your own dh.
But if l were you l would back off for a while , miss church for a few weeks, maybe visit other churches..although it will be awkward explaining this to your dh. Even if it was OK to have a fling this guy is not a good one. Steer clear and keep remembering he has done this before..it is his way of operating so he is messing with your head.

vdbfamily · 31/10/2022 23:33

If you are serious about avoiding the heartbreak this will cause for both families then make someone else aware so you can be accountable. Tell the vicar or pastoral care lead or even just a friend. Maybe even tell your partner that you are struggling. That will be your best protection.
I would agree that attending a different church is probably best option.
If you are serious about your faith then spend some time with God and read up on what the Word says about relationships and fidelity

Spookypig · 01/11/2022 05:58

As a PP said, cheating is wrong for everyone - Christian or otherwise. It will cause horrible pain, destroy families, humiliate people you’re supposed to love, turn you into a liar, just to mention a few things.

But as a Christian it is especially bad. What do you value more, your relationship with God, or a meaningless fling that you will always regret and that nothing good will come from? Because that’s the absolute best that will come out of you continuing like this - a meaningless fling. If you’re a Christian you are supposed to turn away from sinful things because you love God. You put your love of God before the desires of your flesh. You don’t do things that you know are sinful and immoral, not because you’re perfect because none of us are - but because you love Jesus and you want to be like Him.

Of course God won’t love you any less if you do something awful, but you will be letting Him down, and letting yourself down, and allowing yourself to be tempted and give into what you KNOW is wrong.

We are supposed to not only turn away from sin, but to literally flee from it. Are you fleeing from this situation that you know is very, very risky - verging on emotionally cheating already, and definitely hugely disrespectful to your partners - not to mention the fact that it could become physical at any moment? Because it doesn’t sound like you are. It sounds like you’re absolutely relishing it. Basking in it, enjoying the attention and the thrill of it.

Stay away from this person. Do not speak to him, do not spend time with him. If necessary find another church. Definitely don’t hug him or have any physical contact.

One day you’ll look back on how you handled this situation and either feel that you were strong and did the right thing… or you’ll be disgusted with yourself and full of regret because you didn’t. There’s no middle ground.

And as much as this sounds harsh, I don’t mean it to. I just am trying to be really honest so you don’t make a horrible mistake that you’ll regret.

Christmaslover2022 · 01/11/2022 07:10

You are already having an emotional affair with this guy. Do you have issues in your marriage that need addressing? How would you feel if your husband was doing this to you?
You need to see this from another perspective. He's a cheat, a liar and actively pursuing you knowing you're married! If he actually thought anything of you, he'd leave you alone and prioritise your children's wellbeing!
Is there a pastors wife you can speak to?
Stop this because all it will cause is hurt.

Catinabeanbag · 01/11/2022 22:06

Oof.. that's a tough situation. Personally, I would never cheat on my partner. I just couldn't. I wouldn't like it done to me, so I can't really do it to anyone else either. It's just not on (in my book).
The fact there's 'something' there would suggest everything may not be ok in your relationship with your husband, or him with his wife. There's something there that you're not feeling with your chap, or him with his wife. Perhaps take a step back for a bit and assess where you are in your marriage and what you want to happen in it / with your husband?

speakout · 02/11/2022 07:06

Continuing to see each other while you feel like this is very dangerous.
If you are serious about preserving your existing relationship with your OH then you need to cut all contact,
Stop talking, find another church.

MrsMAC1234 · 02/11/2022 21:30

Don't do it, you will regret it for ever

Original poster
fedupxo · 02/11/2022 23:17

We both spoke tonight after seeing each other last night and getting quite touchy with one another.

We said we must try and draw a line now to prevent it becoming more physical, so we need to minimise contact as much as possible. Being in the same church and working on the same staff team, as well as working in a secular job together makes this quite difficult. However, we need to stop all other communication, such as in-person communications and social media communications. It's going to be really hard as my feelings for him are quite strong. I know this is for the best, I just worry it isn't enough.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 02/11/2022 23:52

OP
again- why do you have to stay married? Are you in a religion which frowns on it?

From this day forward, you will compromise on something.
Stay in your marriage, but be unhappy.

Leave marriage and possibly church, but perhaps find happiness with other man( If your feelings are indeed real)

LadyPeterWimsey · 02/11/2022 23:55

fedupxo · 02/11/2022 23:17

We both spoke tonight after seeing each other last night and getting quite touchy with one another.

We said we must try and draw a line now to prevent it becoming more physical, so we need to minimise contact as much as possible. Being in the same church and working on the same staff team, as well as working in a secular job together makes this quite difficult. However, we need to stop all other communication, such as in-person communications and social media communications. It's going to be really hard as my feelings for him are quite strong. I know this is for the best, I just worry it isn't enough.

I think you need to tell someone at church you trust straightaway. Send them a message tonight if you can. Once you see their reaction, it will bring home to you how dangerous this is for everyone involved, especially your children. And then listen to their advice about how to handle the practicalities of making distance between you and this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/11/2022 00:13

Of course, he has a history of infidelity. You're just the next bit of fun on his list. He is playing you for a fool and you are allowing it. Your child won't thank you for throwing a grenade into their life.

JanglyBeads · 03/11/2022 00:27

Seek advice and prayer from a trusted Christian leader. So should he.

Namenic · 03/11/2022 00:47

i think you need to tell one of the leaders and find a new church. This will cause devastation to multiple people. Take much stronger action than you think you need.

JanglyBeads · 03/11/2022 01:01

You say you work together or have some kind of working contact as well?
Then you need to change jobs as well as churches.

TheHappyLoser · 03/11/2022 17:52

You're trying to convince us that's it's going to be virtually impossible not to end up shagging him?

Why?

It's very easy.

He's a serial adulterer, surely you can appreciate that you aren't special to him?

But go ahead it that's what you want to do, it does sound as if you've made your mind up that you want to.

GoldenOmber · 03/11/2022 18:02

Ask him for the contact details of the last woman he had an affair with, and have a chat with her. Bet that’ll put you off him fast.