Adultery

[fedupxo]

Hello!

There's no real way to start these things than to just go for it, hey?

I have no doubt I will be flamed for this and I wouldn't blame a single one of you for that.

I am in my 30's and married with one child. I am a member of a local evangelical church. I love God and I am very involved in my church.

Trouble is, I am struggling desperately.

Recently, another member of my church and I admitted we had feelings for each other. He is also married with kids. We work very closely together in lots of areas, so I guess this hasn't helped.

We speak every day and see each other at church meetings and socially. Everything is very PG, we haven't crossed any physical barriers apart from a hug last week, but that was it. When we talk, we often remind each other that we need to be careful and try to keep things platonic so that we remain faithful to our spouses. I am finding this incredibly difficult. He is much more assertive when it comes to this due to his history with infidelity! He knows the harm it caused.

I am really struggling though. My feelings for him are incredibly strong and I find myself thinking about him 24/7. It's pathetic! I have tried everything to shake it, but I can't.

How do I get over this? Please, can someone help? Anyone?

Thanks.

You're having an emotional affair already and you are disrespecting your marriage.

If you want to stay married, leave this church. You can instead pretend that your "feelings were just too strong" and keep cheating. But cheating is a choice

If you're struggling and don't want to break your vows then you need to remove yourself entirely from interaction with this man.

You've not done any provable betrayal of your partner/spouse yet, but that doesn't mean you're giving them what they deserve from their other half.

Cut the limb off at the root or it will fester. I'm not innocent in life and I'm not religious, but I know the guilt, shame and sickness such a pull can cause.

So leave your husband or pull right away from this person or you're at risk of betraying your spouse and your beliefs and sense of self.

It is not innocent if you are reminding each other to remain platonic. That is an emotional affair. Cut it out at the root.

Also if you are religious - this is not only a betrayal of your spouse and vows and the other man's vows but a betrayal of your values and your God....

Unless you're faking your beliefs for appearance is that not what Christians believe to be the devil? Temptation? Speak to a religious leader perhaps.

You’re right - it isn’t enough and you know it isn’t.

You’re being disrespectful to your partner to even continue entertaining this. Stop talking about it with the other guy as it’s it’s some romantic situation that you just have to keep banging on about. Just don’t see him anymore! It’s not hard.

Find another church. if your faith is AT ALL important to you then find another church. It’s awful for church to be a place where stuff like this happens, church isn’t about you and your mates and your crushes, it’s about God. Don’t do this, especially not in church. It’s literally better that you don’t go to church at all then you go and flirt and have an inappropriate relationships when you’re married? Behaving like this in a church defeats the whole object of going to church.

he’s already cheated and is clearly just a serial flirt/cheater. I wonder if you’re even the only woman he’s pulling the whole ‘we MUST control our feelings!’ line which is just making you feel special and like you two have something. At the very least he probably said the same to the last person he cheated with.

If you take church /God out of the equation this situation is still bad - you sound very gullible at best or like you just really want to cheat at worst.

You’ve already conspired with this person to hurt and humiliate your husband. You’ve already made choice after choice after choice to put this ahead of your marriage.

Once I got too close to a married man (when I was single.) I left the workplace and would not hesitate to do so again. If you want to stay married you’ll do the same.

Usually the people who start these threads have 85 reasons why they can’t. Buy you can, and you will, if you intend to keep your marriage vows.

Be prepared for this to blow up in your face. Carrying on this crush behaviour in the church and work settings will be highly visible to those around you. I've seen it, and in your case with a serial adulterer, you will be appearing like a fool. You'll be the entertainment over tea and biscuits.
Stop risking it.

On Thurs night, this man and I decided to stop messaging each other except via work emails due to realising our struggle with not crossing the line physically earlier in the week.

The day after, my DH went snooping through my WhatsApp on my laptop and found the messages. He is heartbroken. I have made such a mess.

DH and I have agreed to keep it between us for now, to protect his wife who has been cheated on before. We also don't want to see this blow up in the church because we both have a lot to lose if it does. I can't explain why that is on here.

DH trusts my work emails will be professional as we've always remained professional when it comes to work - it was just outside of this we crossed the line.

I have no idea whether we are doing the right thing. I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I know it's my mess, so I am not asking for / expecting sympathy.

This is beginning to look like a bit of a tale.

Can I ask what you mean by that?

I'm afraid that something doesn't ring true here. This may simply be because you are indulging in a little fantasising?

If all of this is true, it must be taken to a church leader you trust, you can't keep it between you and your husband (and the OMan). You need spiritual guidance, he'll need support, and the OM needs some serious admonishment by the sound of it.

If it presents particular problems because of the situation you allude to (am guessing at least one of the three of you is in a leadership position?) then it needs to be a leader outside your congregation, at least initially.

But only you can say what the Spirit is telling your heart.

FWIW I suspect this isn’t uncommon in evangelical churches, the close social bonds, the emotionality of the services etc and the fact that some of the ( usually male) congregation seem to think they have a special hotline to the Maker can result in a hothouse atmosphere. I worked with a team comprising a large number of evangelicals, there was more intrigue there than anywhere I’d worked before or since. Good luck if the story is true, a crush/ erotic fixation can make us feel very alive and be hard to give up, he does sound like a bit of a player.