Starting the discernment process in the CofE

[MrsTulip]

For a few years now God has been telling me he wants more from me, but that's all he's saying. He hasn't yet revealed what more is, then over the last 18 months a few friends and people I know from currently serving in children's ministry have mentioned I should consider ordination. Strangely this hasn't freaked me out like I thought it would but I do have a lot of questions and uncertainties about it, I feel this may be the way God wants me to go.
For a short while I did think it might be a call to reader ministry and I asked the vicar at a school I'm connected to (not my vicar or my child's school) a few questions about it.
I've also spoke to my own vicar about a placement in another church but have said I want this to hep me develop my current role.
I don't know why but I'm finding it hard to be totally honest with those around me and say outright I think God wants me to start the formal discernment process. Other than praying (cause I'm already doing tonnes of that) has anyone any advice of how to approach my vicar? I also for reasons that would be too outing don't want to talk my church warden. Thanks

Don't doubt yourself, @MrsTulip. If God is pointing you in this direction, it's a road He wants you to follow.
If He only wanted you to make the coffee after the service, He'd have given you a box of teaspoons.

It’s OK @MrsTulip. I didn’t lose my crippling imposter syndrome until 15 years into ordained ministry, and even now it often rears its ugly head.

He's got me on refreshments after service today, cos the people who usually do it are on holiday!
Although a box of teaspoons would be great as I could use them as a prayer resource!

Interview for theological college is on the 11/4. Things are starting to get mega busy now (or maybe it's just cos it's Holy Week and I'm doing more than I usually do due to being on this journey)

Exciting times, @ MrsTulip. Which college are you going for?

My friend is an Archbishop, he still has imposter syndrome after over 40 years as a priest and 24 as a bishop!

Emmanuel in Liverpool

I hope it's perfect for you and your interview confirms everything you want it to.

One of my ( fairly recently ordained) vicar friends says the college interviews are actually rather fun, as the colleges are competing for you, rather than you trying to impress them. Enjoy!

So having a major stress today cos I can't find any information about the food that's on offer at BAP on the venue's website or social media. I phoned to ask and was told that menus are only finalised the week before. I then asked for examples of what has been on the menu this week and what is likely to be on next week and apart from the breakfasts, the lunches and evening meals are things that I just couldn't eat -yes I know I'm very fussy but why do places have to add mayonnaise/ sauces to sandwiches and put cheese or fish in everything?

In your shoes I would pray and get God to sort it. It is natural to stress about some aspect of it, don’t beat yourself up about that.

In parallel though I would take enough stacks to sustain me the whole way through: crackers and peanut butter, fruit that does not require refrigerating, flapjacks, hot chocolate powder. I never found a pot noodle type thing I actually like although I have tried multiple brands. It is only 48 hours or so(?) Plan like you would an endurance sports event. Then be as polite as possible at actual mealtimes. Nerves tend to stop me from eating enough and travel makes me anxious so I am relatively used to this approach to nutrition on trips. We are rooting for you 🙌🏼

Thanks for this, yes I'm already praying as when I phone to ask and she was talking about what I had been told would be a sandwich lunch she mentioned lots of things like potato salad and coleslaw type foods which really make me feel nauseous even if I'm not the one eating it. Even when I questioned her about sandwiches it was all stuff with mayonnaise/sauce type dressings.
Why on earth things aren't kept plain and simple with option of adding things if wanted is beyond me, would certainly make catering for everyone/ allergies easier.
Snacks will be taken but as I'm travelling by train I don't really want to be taking more luggage than I need to it's less than 48 hours and I will eat the breakfast stuff, it's just my usual coping strategies for being around foods I don't like and really struggle with won't really help as you are expected to join in meal times and be polite at BAP.

Great advice....thank you. I shall pass it on to DD, who is BAPping next week!
Please would you all pray for her?

You may have to work through the nausea at other people eating mayonnaise thing in the longer run. At inevitable subsequent bring and share lunches in your parish, you might find yourself in coping strategy territory for the rest of your life.

Claim allergy or medical reasons? In my view this communicates the strength of a need more clearly and better, and I think it is warranted sometimes for this reason. I think it helps to say, I have specific dietary requirements which will affect my time with you. Can you do x, y, z for me? And be specific about what solution you need as long as it is reasonable. “Can you make me some plain ham sandwiches without butter or mayonnaise?” Rather than ask what is happening and try to adapt it in your own head. Chefs generally like to cater IME.

Praying for a practical solution 🙏🏼 You will be far from the only person finding the food and meals side of things a challenge. Everyone will be worried about something, likely the Bishop’s advisors included. How long is it till you go?

It's 10 weeks until I go, so plenty of time. They only cater for allergies and vegis/vegans. The mayo thing has been an issue for as long as I can remember, at primary school I vomited on more than one occasion because someone was eating it near me, it's bad, I know it's bad and I wish I wasn't this fussy or had so many issues around food.

From an earlier email, when i first was given my BAP date. The one photo I found on the facebook page shows beef stew and dumplings, sweet potato and butterbean stew and lemon salmon.

Hi, just saw your message about food. DD eats a very restricted diet, which presents as 'fussy' but she would not be able to eat anything you've just listed. I frame it as 'DD can't eat X' not 'DD doesn't like X' - there are things I dislike, but can eat. She can't.

When dealing with retreat type centres (which we have), I try to think firstly if there's any part of the meal she can eat (e.g. just the rice if there's a curry - sauces aren't good), and if that's not possible (and beef stew with dumplings wouldn't work at all) then I ask for something that's no effort for the staff and likely to be in the kitchen, e.g. bread and butter. I realise it makes for a boring weekend foodwise for her, but she at least gets to eat. Hope that helps a bit.

I've actually been following your thread with a couple of friends at different stages of the process in mind - it's really helpful to get an insight.

Yeah the food I saw on the photo is all stuff I wouldn't eat. If I was with family I might try the sweet potato stew but pick the butterbeans out, depending on what else was in it. I'm travelling down the day before due to distance so think I might book an early train then find a local supermarket to stock up on snacks.

You can claim intolerance of mayonnaise plus anything else that makes you heave. I'm afraid you are just going to have to deal with things you don't like by taking snacks. I always load up with munchies when I go away as I wake up really early so I need something to keep me going until breakfast. It is two days.

Ordained life involves a lot of food. How are you going to manage bring and share lunches and parish potlucks? Many clergy job interviews include lunch or 'death by quiche' as it's known in the trade. What is your answer to the parish matriarch who has lovingly made you a cake with a filling you don't like?

If you are really fussy around food it might be worth spending some time with a therapist to dig into what lies underneath it. Or at least find some stock phrases that makes a working life around food manageable.

I honestly don't know how I will manage - quiche is a big no no as I don't eat cheese. Usually at church pot luck and bring and share I manage as someone usually brings bread rolls and a cooked meat platter, I also put my name down to bring stuff I know I will eat.
In terms of the parish cake baker- "that's so lovely of you but I'm far to full to eat it at the moment, do you mind if I take some home for later?" Then feed it to husband/child/dog/ the garden birds.
I've had some therapy around food, no known causes just plain fussy. Also very easily over faced and if I don't like the look of something I try to avoid eating it.

I view that email you screenshotted and posted as rude. I am not surprised it provoked your anxiety.

My view is that this sort of anxiety comes under the “medical condition” bracket and it is legitimate to say “for medical reasons I must avoid X, Y and Z. Can you do A, B and C for me?” and be as clear as you can about what is necessary.

It might not help you so much for your BAP given your previous emails with the venue, but for future situations like this. However I have experience of disabling anxiety and making adaptations to enable me to do things which is I think part of the reason I frame the problem this way. Maybe not everyone would agree.

I do agree with @mostlydrinkstea about developing a strategy for the inevitable bring and share lunches and other hospitality-related meals. But perhaps worry about that later. I think your “arrive early and do a supermarket run for snacks plan” is a good one or get a supermarket Deliveroo to the venue if you’re comfortable with that. I hope you can come up with an approach that lessens your anxiety somewhat.

Like I say everyone will be anxious about something at an occasion like this. Rooting for you 🙌🏼🙏🏼✝️

Food phobia could be a useful term. “ have good phobias. Could I be given plain sandwiches please?”

And in parishes, once you’ve arrived, people will try and accommodate- to a point may find intrusive! As in, people trying to plumb the entirety of your restrictions so they can find a way round them!

Ordained life will push your buttons so it's really important to notice when it happens. If you can do that, find strategies to cope and reflect you have a key skill and it will really help you.

It never fails to surprise me when ordinands and curates have no idea what parish life is about. It really, really helps if you like people as you spend so much time with them. There is a lot of food that you would not choose to eat. In this job you work weekends, Christmas and Easter and that messes with family get togethers. We always have Christmas Day on Boxing Day and Easter is moved to the bank holiday for the wider family. If you are a stipendary curate it is likely that you will have to move for your title post and it often means uprooting family to new schools and jobs. Whatever you do will be wrong in the eyes of some. Yet despite all of this it is a huge privilege to do what we do.

I know it will be hard managing your anxiety about the food but it really is part of the process. I am quite shy and a bit of a perfectionist in real life, but no one knows that because I've learnt to manage it most of the time.

Thanks. Thankfully I don't have any severe allergies, the fact that they may not be able to provide a full list of ingredients is highly concerning.
I'm travelling the day before panel so plenty of time to shop for snacks.

Yep I know about ordained life pushing buttons and what parish life is about, one of my closest friends is a priest who has recently gone through lots of changes. I have strategies for dealing with button pushing people.
I'm sure I will find ways of coping with food. Our current rector has the same feelings about cheese and quiche as I do (probably more so than me as I can manage to eat it melted on pizza and jacket potatoes) and he's managed, he regular refers to himself as the strange person who doesn't eat cheese.

Of course I will be praying, and if your daughter is ok with people knowing I would like to know the outcome