Have been a ‘committed Christian’ but suddenly so disillusioned with it all. Happened to anyone else?

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Perhaps it’s not that sudden, I don’t know
But having had a very holy-spirity conversion as a teenager in the 90s (think falling over in the spirit type thing) these days I just feel my hearts not in it and j feel very disillusioned and cynical.

I suppose it’s more about the whole popular ‘culture’ of evangelical Christianity than God himself but if I’m truthful I don’t know if He’s real.

I was so into it as a younger person but now looking back am seeing it so differently.

I think part of it is realising how churches I was part of in the past are aligned with the evangelical Right in America and Trump etc.

And I’m so over what feels like manipulation of emotions at big events like new wine.
I’m a musician and music touches people deeply but it’s almost like I can see through it - like they say ‘oh the Holy Spirits moving’ and I’m thinking ‘no you just did a roll on the cymbal’
Sorry I don’t know if I’m making any sense 😆

I’m at a lovely little C of E church now which is a mixed bag but with some evangelical touches and am in a home group with evangelical people. I’m just finding it hard as a lot of things they say I’m rolling my eyes at.

Also stuff like sharing on Facebook things about Ukraine and how God is blessing them and protecting them and on their side.
And just thinking - like God was on our side when we supported the US invasion of Iraq?
How does that work then?

And we were praying for a young man who was very ill after an accident, he improved so there was lots of talk of God answering our prayers and thanking God, and then he deteriorated and died.

Grr I feel awful but it suddenly all just seems so cheesy and contrived to me.

I’d like to take a break from church realty or go to a more traditional service. But here’s the problem - it’s a small church and they rely on me for the music some of the time. There are others but I’m a key part. But I feel fake being up there leading worship songs.
We sing songs by Hillsong, Bethel etc but I’ve been reading about them lately and stuff around money and it’s affected how I feel about the songs.

Sorry for the ramble! Can anyone else relate? I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes but it’s scary 😟

Dead is dead. Was the meat you eat not alive once?
If I wanted an imaginary friend I'd not chose a male who told me what to do.

Thanks all, still reading and finding it so helpful.
Also loving the teenage Fundamentalist podcast and other resources signposted from there. Although it is dredging up some memories for me from my time in a non denominational pioneer type church in the 90s (peak Toronto blessing time) and some time in a very evangelical Anglican Church.

at the latter, we were new there and I’d expressed interest in joining the worship team. The vicar invited me for a chat at the vicarage which I thought was nice, thought it was nice he wanted to get to know me etc.

he actually wanted to say he’d noticed that me and my boyfriend (later husband) had the same address and needed to ask me about that before I could be in the worship team. It was humiliating. I found myself explaining to him that we weren’t having sex and rented two rooms in a shared student house. He then commented that maybe the relationship wasn’t solid if we didn’t find that too tempting.

at the time I just took it even though I was humiliated and embarrassed. Now looking back I think wtf.

That’s awful but doesn’t surprise me one bit. I am also listening my way through I Was a Teenage Fundamentalist after discovering it reading this thread and have found similar things coming back to me.. the pressure on me and my (relatively short term!!) boyfriend at the time to confirm we would marry and be this couple headed for leadership… the bizarre focus of the type of evangelical church I went to on people’s private relationships especially out of marriage… it was all so unhealthy.

I feel that the podcast actually deals with things in a very balanced and respectful way most of the time, but still I find some things I’m processing again that I’ve never really thought about for so many years are shifting my perspective. I was in church - a very lovely, traditional “safe” feeling kind of church if there’s any!, for a really lovely special service recently, but so many things about it took me back and I just don’t think it’s for me anymore - though I am still sure I’ll be there on Christmas Eve, and I’m still sure there will always be a little something special in it for me. Even as I was realising I feel so differently about it now and I can definitely see no future in a church, an old worship song came on and my eyes filled before I knew it… what a rollercoaster.. Thinking of you op and hope you’re doing ok with all your processing.

Thank you. I am feeling unsettled but doing ok with it. Im still going to church at the moment and feeling ok with it, I’m sort of trying to feel comfortable in the ‘not knowing’ space at the moment. My current church (perhaps with the exception of my little home group) is fairly “safe”. I find the rituals comforting and I like the sense of history and community. I find a lot of the teaching I can apply a test of it being generally good moral code, a good way to live eg had a talk recently on gratefulness.
I’ve liked in the podcast that they have also had people who are ex fundamentalists but have stayed in the faith to a degree. At the moment that’s me but not sure where I’ll end up.
i probably foolishly slightly opened up to my group about questioning some of this stuff and although they were generally supportive they also seemed ‘concerned’ and I sort of wished I hadn’t!

Forget the commitments, you're not in a good position to serve at the moment.

You need space, time and the opportunity to discuss this.

The cymbal rolling tic shouldn't influence your faith but I can understand how it could tarnish everything. Again, a season of space.

Have you considered going to a retreat?

If the shoe were on the other foot and someone in your home group said what you did, how would you feel? I think I'd be concerned for them, but not in an intrusive controlling way. Just in a 'I hope Freda can come to a peaceful comfort with this, ideally while not turning her back on us and leaving!'

I'm sad when people decide to stop coming to church (for all sorts of reasons) as inevitably we don't see them any more. No matter how hard you try, you lose touch.

I am very trad C of E upbringing with an evangelical husband so been to all sorts of churches - must admit a lot of the hands in the air, soul survivor type stuff still makes me a little uncomfortable. I get what you mean about the over-familiar, all about my feelings, worship songs rather than respectful glorification of more traditional worship. (I do like the lighthouse song though). I have also been there with the high church waving of incense and singing the angelus to a statue, which seems like unnecessary window dressing now. Perhaps it helps to separate what is the theatre/style/performance of church and what is the genuine, living heart relationship with Jesus. He is big enough to take a bit of realism from you, whether thats frustration, anger or apathy, he can take it and will welcome honesty in prayer. If you are in a supportive Christian community they should also understand you feeling burned out, and give you space to step away and recharge. Our pastor had to do this during covid as the pressure on his faith and mental health was too much for a while.

Yes!

This happened to me. I then after much research and soul searching realised that Christianity and Abrahamics religions are all so intertwined with older religions that they are somewhat skewed. The roots are with old practices that we resonate with but much was political and religious propaganda back in the day. To manipulate.

I came to terms with God not being the God in the bible and I truly believe God to be a female mother energy as in Mother earth. It just makes more sense to me.

I do believe in Jesus, but not as the bible said. Certainly no more special than any of his diciples.

I always felt connected to Mother Mary in her own right! I pray to mother Mary but not as the mother of jesus.

It took a while but I found my own path. I probably lean towards a more goddess path now, but I still finished my religious studies degree, which pushed me to realised how manipulation had happened to our ancestors.

I love Sue Monk Kidds book!

I’ve been a Christian for many years and was deeply involved in my local C of E church, but lately I’m struggling to resolve the lovely people I know and love with the fact the leaders of the C of E have made some statements which mean I no longer want to be associated with the C of E. I haven’t been to church for about 2 years as apart from lockdown, I cannot reconcile my faith and being a part of a racist (according to them) and homophobic and misogynistic (according to statements made by both previous and current Archbishops of Canterbury) organisation. I feel very let down by the Church and almost as if I have wasted my life praying to a God who does not exist.

Chakraleaf you may like to join us in the pagan chat. All esoteric ideas are welcome, with a strong foothold in goddess, earth based spirtuality.
No heaven, hell or judgement.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/philosophy_religion_spirituality/4435233-Any-Witches-Here-Part-16

@Conflictedunicorn I’m sorry you’re feeling like that. I can relate to the feeling of ‘wasting’ years when your beliefs change, but I think it’s good to focus on the positives that came out of it too and it being part of your journey.

Me too xx

I was brought up in the Anglican church a very long time ago when it was dry and not very inspiring at church, well not at the one I went to. Imagine my surprise as a 20-something finding HTB in London! So much more relaxed and I actually learned something from the sermons. But I too am not a fan of the over-Charismatic emotional style of worship. Maybe because I'm a Brit, I just don't enjoy it. Also the newest worship songs, Hillsong and Bethel, I don't like most of those either, and the lyrics can be suspect; not Biblical and too me-centric. I still love the old hymns that I learned as a child.

Church-wise now as I'm house bound I do listen to online services but I feel I'm best not too involved in any particular group, I prefer to do Bible reading, journaling and verse-mapping, and listening to some Christian YouTubers that I like and learn from.

I do think there's an elephant in the room, though, that few mention, and that is that Satan is alive and active and wants nothing more than to distract us and put us off our faith and beliefs. This is why there are many times we have doubts and challenges. Being a Christian doesn't make our lives easier, if anything it's harder, but we do have the Holy Spirit who is a teacher and guides us, provided we maintain fellowship with him and spend time in the Word.

OP you may simply be at the wrong church for you. God is always, always there for us no matter what, above and beyond what we will get from any human in this life. He can and will use any of your past hurtful experiences for your spiritual growth and his glory. If your church is no longer providing an environment for your growth then this may be a sign you need to move on.

Yes, and been in leadership positions. I will never darken a church door again. Life is much better for me since I left and it's been a few years now.