Have been a ‘committed Christian’ but suddenly so disillusioned with it all. Happened to anyone else?

[User0610134049]

Perhaps it’s not that sudden, I don’t know
But having had a very holy-spirity conversion as a teenager in the 90s (think falling over in the spirit type thing) these days I just feel my hearts not in it and j feel very disillusioned and cynical.

I suppose it’s more about the whole popular ‘culture’ of evangelical Christianity than God himself but if I’m truthful I don’t know if He’s real.

I was so into it as a younger person but now looking back am seeing it so differently.

I think part of it is realising how churches I was part of in the past are aligned with the evangelical Right in America and Trump etc.

And I’m so over what feels like manipulation of emotions at big events like new wine.
I’m a musician and music touches people deeply but it’s almost like I can see through it - like they say ‘oh the Holy Spirits moving’ and I’m thinking ‘no you just did a roll on the cymbal’
Sorry I don’t know if I’m making any sense 😆

I’m at a lovely little C of E church now which is a mixed bag but with some evangelical touches and am in a home group with evangelical people. I’m just finding it hard as a lot of things they say I’m rolling my eyes at.

Also stuff like sharing on Facebook things about Ukraine and how God is blessing them and protecting them and on their side.
And just thinking - like God was on our side when we supported the US invasion of Iraq?
How does that work then?

And we were praying for a young man who was very ill after an accident, he improved so there was lots of talk of God answering our prayers and thanking God, and then he deteriorated and died.

Grr I feel awful but it suddenly all just seems so cheesy and contrived to me.

I’d like to take a break from church realty or go to a more traditional service. But here’s the problem - it’s a small church and they rely on me for the music some of the time. There are others but I’m a key part. But I feel fake being up there leading worship songs.
We sing songs by Hillsong, Bethel etc but I’ve been reading about them lately and stuff around money and it’s affected how I feel about the songs.

Sorry for the ramble! Can anyone else relate? I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes but it’s scary 😟

I think its a shame that your church and musical obligations to it are turning you away from God.

It seems to me that you had an intense experience as a younger person but that isn't sustainable your whole life long. You say "I’d like to take a break from church realty or go to a more traditional service." Maybe you are being called to a quieter more contemplative spritual experience. I like lectio divina, daily Examen and praying the Rosary. All forms of Christian mediation. Sitting quietly in a holy place can be very uplifting and restorative. You aren't finding any time to be still. Sitting in a pretty garden and reading or listening to the bible is good. I like lectio365 app for daily readings and reflection. Making time for God for 10 or 20 minutes a day could be better than your current Sunday obligations. I do think that keeping Sunday special and a day to worship is a worthwhile habit but you are allowed to try a different church.

I'm Catholic so worship is very muted compared to what you're used to. I'd recommend it for more traditional service but you'd need to find a good singing church. Or maybe you can go to a bad singing church and get them going. Go where you'd be needed!! 😂

I found faith about 4 years ago, I was so passionate about it for 2 years. I'd go to Church every Sunday and quite often during the week for evening prayer and any other services they had on. I really thought I could feel the Holy Spirit as I found faith when I was really depressed and i really feel God helped me out if a dark place. Everything was going great in my life and then BOOM-the pandemic hit! No church

After a couple of months of not being able to go to church the online services just really weren't very engaging and I didn't feel as connected as I once was. I slowly stopped reading the Bible and had less time for prayer. Then kind of started feeling quite upset like how could God let this happen? A few of my friends had lost loved ones, people seemed to be dropping like flies.

I've since gone back to church and although I try to go most weeks I just don't feel as connected as I once was. I suppose dynamics of church has also changed so it's not as enjoyable to go. The clergy hardly ever chat with the congregation afterwards, we just go to the service then immediately leave with no social interaction. They have recently started tea and coffee up afterwards but nobody seems to want to talk anymore. It's just all gone very regimented. The vicar also feels less approachable and bossy, which I can understand it's a stressful job for him, but he doesn't feel as friendly. I know it's not supposed to be about what I want it's supposed to be about God, but I feel like talking to others about faith helped to strengthen my faith but I feel like I don't have that anymore. I still go most weeks in the hope things improve. I have started praying again. I just really miss that community feeling of church and worship. It just all feels really flat now. I've actually recently found that I'm feeling more connected from praying at home. I really desire to find a vocation in life that I feel I can serve and worship God and I felt before the pandemic I was working towards finding that but I honestly just feel like I'm right back at the start and my depression is creeping back.

@Scooby5kids I really resonate with what you’ve said. Post pandemic I just haven’t got back into church community life at all. A lot of the Middle Aged (my age) churchgoers just haven’t come back and the congregation seems much sparser and older. It’s sad but it’s not the same. If I go, it’s really out of obligation now.

Yes the same happened to me. I grew up in the evangelical church and was heavily involved in New Wine etc...

Give yourself permission to step away. I left church for a year and discovered I didn’t need it or the Christian faith. If anything my life has improved since leaving. In this day and age you don’t need church to be a good person. Also most biblical teachings are abhorrent. I finally realised it’s not something I need or want.

I can recommend this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Out-Sorts-Making-Peace-Evolving/dp/0232532397?ref_=d6k_applink_bb_dls

Sarah talks a lot about faith reconstruction in such an authentic and engaging manner. Also you could check out some of Rachel Held Evans' work.

I've definitely been there and found these resources helpful.

@User0610134049 I think you should be honest with yourself and other people and honour your true feelings. Tell your vicar how you feel. If you feel this way, it's because there is a reason. You obviously don't feel like the way things are at the moment aligns with your beliefs and feelings and that is okay. Your feelings are valid! To be honest when you mentioned the cheesy riffs with slow talking thing I can totally relate to your feelings on that. Sounds awful! Although I do like a good traditional organ hymn and I'm only 37!!!

Please tell people how you feel instead of keeping your feelings to yourself then at least if you feel you need a break, you can do so without feeling like you have to make up awkward excuses. I know it can be hard sometimes, getting out of things when you're trying to no hurt peoples feelings

Thank you everyone loads to think about here and I have been reflecting on stuff.

lots of thoughts going round my head. One of them is that whilst I shouldn’t pretend to be something I’m not, if the rituals and some aspects of the music being me comfort and peace and ground me then it’s ok to partake even if I’m not sure if it’s ‘real’, as long as my version of Christianity is a force for good and not judgement.

And I actually think there are a number of others with that attitude in my church.

as for my small group who are generally all more fixed in their views and lean to the more evangelical side, I think I’m just going to be sure to have integrity and not pretend to be something I’m not or not do things I’m uncomfortable with, and not join in with the general veiled critique of aspects of church.
with the music I’ll try to take as much of a step back as I can and if I am responsible for choosing songs occasionally will be mindful of the lyrics and if I’m happy to sing them

And I’m not going to new wine again

I stepped away from the organised churches decades ago including New Wine.

Something just didn't sit right with me. I think they come from a human perspective and can be very religious, legalistic and hypocritical. They may start from a good place but I'm not convinced they end up in one.

I always say that God isn't religious, thank goodness. He's God, it's humans who are religious.

My advice is to go back to the roots. Mediate in God, listen to messianic praise preferably recorded live. Pray for His will only and not a shopping list, it took me far too long to realise this. Use your gifts, if you don't know what they are, ask him!

I had problems of Faith as well. So concentrated on New Testament, Gospels and Acts only, now going on to epistles.
Listening to Choral Evensong on BBC Sounds and traditional Classic or Traditional sounding Requiems etc
For Worship I went to Spoken Prayer Book Communion. I enjoy the meditative aspect of that. I hope we get back to those services soon.

I feel so similarly to what you describe. You are definitely not alone in looking again at the ‘black and white’ things we were taught and accepted as young people with a different perspective.

I went to church for the first time in ages (years) over Easter. I had a similar reaction to you I think - the whole thing was very charismatic/evangelical, music/prayers, sermon - hardly any mention of actual Easter but felt quite manipulative in lots of ways.

There are still some things that I feel comforting about being in church, but I didn't experience any of them that day!

A lot of this resonates. I was a committed evangelical in my 20s and played the piano really well so ended up in the music groups. Like you OP i knew how to shift a mood right enough. But i hate evangelical style music- i find it annoying and manipulative - I'm afraid i just do.

I accept this is my problem not theirs, but
I am basically a classical music person and its a huge problem for me that churches don't want that - or only as the occasional novelty act. It's usually seen as posh and elitist. Exclusive... and maybe it is. And i don't live anywhere near a cathedral or church that does a decent choral evensong.

It feels to me that if your cultural tastes are too high falutin' there's nowhere much to go, at least at a local level. The big thriving churches always seem to come with a form of worship that i just cant do.

New Wine and Soul Survivor and those big evangelical organisations are very culty. Since leaving I realise how weird it all was. I am annoyed for letting myself get sucked in for so long. The purity culture stuff these organisations pushed in the 90s was horrible and damaging. Am very happy my children will not be growing up in the evangelical church.

OP I relate to this. I've moved away from taking the bible as authority (even though I always took it as inspired as opposed to inerrant). The book The Bible: A biography was really good in this respect. It's a curated collection of writings, some accounting oral legends from 3000BCE+, by men from warrior Near Eastern societies. The NT also was chosen to omit the gospels that emphasised the role of women (there is a gospel of Mary Magdelen, but clashes between churches that wanted to ignore Jesus' radical treatment of women as equals & those who wanted the return to blokes in charge saw that any writing that celebrated the former was excluded from canon).
I gave up charismatic churches, as it asked too much conformity in belief and personality, as well as extracting money & time & effort to do voluntary work for various schemes. There is comfort in more open, agnostic type of churches & meetings, where it's ok to ask q's and not think you have The Answer.
However I have returned after family bereavement to find much solace in talking to God(dess)/Divine/Holy Spirit/Jesus... and reading the bible now I am so struck how utterly male it is, in language & emphasis. The OT god is a desert warlord in deity form, and nothing like the loving father Jesus describes. I found it scary to start to question the bible, but the Holy Spirit has stayed with me even as I get angry with the many wrongs & unfairness in the scripture.
I've read around spiritual experiences in other religions & cultures, and think that there is a ground truth that is common to all, which is a bit unthinkable for evangelicals where 'ecumenical' ideas are seen to be beyond the pale! But now I truly believe that the Divine is gracious and gives us tastes of true spiritual experiences, even if our doctrine & theory is way off, in the hope that we find the path of peace & aiming to live in love as the basis of what we do, even as life throws disaster & hardships & difficult people our way.

Some books that have really helped just to open my mind to other ways of thinking (not that you necessarily have to believe, but just considering the possibility is enough):

Karen Armstrong - The Bible, A Biography. Helped me to stop feeling I should make a god out of the bible, in the way evangelical/protestant theology wants. (Even Oswald Chambers objected to this, saying we shouldn't make a god out of doctrine)

Sue Monk Kid - The Dance of the Dissident Daughter (a very good account of one bible belt Baptist 'good woman' who gradually rejects the notion of a male god as the bible portrays & goes in search of recovering the lost divine feminine, healing the wound she didn't realise she had which all of us lost in patriarchal religion have - that of not having ourselves reflected in the Divine Being)

Raymond Moody - Life after Life, and Glimpses of Eternity (2 books, one on near death experiences & the other on shared deathbed experiences where loved ones also have spiritual experiences including accompanying loved ones to the next realm & life reviews & 'light beings') (read the latter v recently, a very good way to see the reality of what people experience, instead of religious teaching)

Delores Cannon books (very much 'out there' in subject matter but well worth a read, esp as they're based on accounts of hynotherapy sessions with clients, if you accept she's not lying then the consistency of accounts between many people across the world should give you food for thought at the very least. She also talks about scientists who do research into such things, it gets weird but in a marvellous way)

Books by Eckhert Tolle
Accounts of NDE's (near death experiences) & spiritual experiences from Eastern cultures (show the similarity with Holy Spirit encounters, but without the bible being involved!)

Bottom line : I fear less about living now, as I trust God(dess)/The Divine more, don't fear hell or assume anyone is 'lost' and therefore lesser, and am happier not having to be perfect, or know everything, but am allowing room for joy, living life as the gift it is (even with chronic illness & limitations that make me cry, I don't have the answers but I hold to the love I know I feel) and to exist is enough, small things are important & it's ok to be a small dot in a big universe because this adventure is enough in & of itself.
Hope you get peace with your path.
x

I can really relate to every word op. I grew up in a very evangelical family and church and as a teenager was totally “on fire for God.” I used to hold prayer huddles for my classmates before exams! And it felt great. To be used by God, to have a higher purpose in life, to be part of a narrative stretching back millennia… but even then I had a niggling fear that it wasn’t real. And because being a Christian was my entire identity I pushed it back and prayed for more faith.

However, as I’ve got older, the doubts have just got stronger. The thing is, I’ve also got really really entrenched in it all and I feel like coming out as agnostic would rock a lot of boats!! I run our church’s toddler group, I’m an overall leader on a CPAS venture holiday for young people, and at times I’ve even had jobs that rely on my faith (like working for Christian charities). Also our church feels like a family, so even though I’m not sure what I believe anymore, I’d feel a bit lost without it. I strongly believe that humans are supposed to live in community, and that faith communities are generally a good thing.

So I sort of go along with it, and I do see the value in it for other people, and I wish I just felt a bit more spiritual myself, but I’m just not sure I’m much of a spiritual person. I like doing and chatting, and drinking coffee, but praying and meditating just bores the tits off me.

Also my church is really big on praying for healing which I struggle with, especially as my dad died of cancer despite all the prayers. I take comfort in the fact that his strong faith meant he was at peace about dying.

@Auger this is a lovely post. I’m going to add “dance of the dissident daughter” to my reading list. Sounds right up my street.

I have also enjoyed and related to all of Rachel Held Evans’ books and found “the benefit of the doubt” by Greg Boyd quite helpful. Though still not sure I actually believe in God. Haven’t told that in real life to anyone except my husband!

@Wiggledypiggledy i can relate. I was heavily involved in church and church leadership. When I left people were hurt and angry. My own family took it very badly. However I am happy to have left it all behind. Please don’t be scared to put your feelings first. You are allowed to change.

@Wiggledypiggledy thanks, likewise I'll look up your recc book. I have to admit I laughed at your 'bores the tits off me' comment ! Be warned, the lady in Dance of TDD does a lot of that but her journey into different ways of connection is worth the read, but she comes from a very intellectual starting place. It's great for learning lots about divine feminine though.
There's another collection of women's accounts of personal spiritual explorations I'm reading called Journys with the Divine Feminine by Sue Fitzmaurice & co which is more varied & shows how diff women approach this & change through their lives.

We have to be honest with ourselves about not knowing what we dont know. I do think there is a fundamental consciousness that some call God. Both paranormal research & physics suggest the foundation of the universe is not a particle, but consciousness itself. We can't wrap our tiny ape brains around it but we can enjoy the ride that is life. I take comfort in the fact that my personal experience of spiritual encounters has only been full of love & a truly ground level assurance that ultimately everything is ok, even if in life it seems the exact opposite. Maybe that's what faith really is? I'm just happier to drop the idea of eternal punishment, because now I can relate to God because I want to, out of love, rather than fear. It's a much more restful place to be.

To clarify, the author does a lot of meditating I meant, not boring the tits off me 😆

I was brought up ‘born again’ in Pentecostal churches. A lot of these churches closed and merged with or joined in with these megachurches like Audacious in Manchester, for example for example.
When I think about whether or not there is a god, I find it really difficult to believe that his representatives on earth are 45 year old men dressed in leather jackets playing Christian rock on the stage of a mega church.

Just reading through all of this makes me so incredibly sad, I wish I could believe in God and Jesus again but in my heart of hearts I know its just not true

I miss having belief and faith but I don't think it can ever come back as I feel I would have to knowingly delude myself and override what i know to be true somehow :/

I am going through a period of doubt myself and find this thread really helpful, especially the reading suggestions.

I laughed out loud at the 45 year old men in leather jackets playing Christian rock at a mega church!

Yes, the Bible

Stick to the Bible.
The answers for you are all in there.