C of E - struggling with attending services

[EssexLioness]

Hi, I am Christian and recently found my faith again in the last year, after a few doubts. I have been attending weekly Sunday services since then at our local village church. However, I am autistic and struggle when attendance is high (only happens for christenings etc which we don’t know about in advance). I am so distressed that I have to leave straight away. Today I went and found it had happened again so came straight home. I then feel guilty/ embarrassed and rustrated because I was really looking forward to attending church.
I am thinking that maybe instead of this regular disappointment that I may be best giving up church but I feel bad at the thought. Not sure why I am posting tbh. Do you think this is valid or maybe there is an alternative? Maybe an online service weekly instead? I like the reflective element of services and being in church does make me feel more connected to my faith. There aren’t any other churches nearby. I guess I just feel disappointed that my disability is getting in the way, but equally fr up of having to come straight home every couple of months because the service is crowded. I just want to be able to practice my faith in a way that doesn’t cause meltdowns/ panic attacks.

*fed up

Can you explain to the vicar and ask him to let you have a calendar of when services like christenings are happening?

I wouldn’t give up completely if it’s something that means a lot to you. Could you speak to the leaders and explain the situation? They will know when the numbers increase with additions to the service and maybe they could let you know in advance?

During covid did they set up a streaming service or any other churches offer a streaming service that you could watch from home?

The vicar knows in advance so I would email him and tell him what issues you are having and ask if he can tell you when christenings are on.

Is there only one service? Weekday services are much quieter and even on Sunday it's usually the 10 am or 11 am that is busiest, an 8 or 9am or a 6pm is usually much quieter. Or some churches do a Saturday evening Eucharist that is their first mass of Sunday, based on the old idea of the Sabbath starting at sunset.

Also if you do decide that attending services doesn’t work for you then you can still be part of the church community in other ways if you wish. Churches have people who will come and do communion at home for example if you can’t go.

I'd agree with talking to the Vicar about this. I'm sure s/he would happily give you the heads up about when the services are likely to be busy

EssexLioness, would you feel able to talk to the vicar about this? Or email if face-to-face is too difficult?

I know my own vicar would very much want to know if someone was struggling with accessing church, and would want to try to put in place things to help. (Its a conversation I've had several times with her, to help make things easier for my autistic son). Services like baptisms are known about well in advance of them actually happening, and I can see nothing wrong with asking if you could be notified in advance about weeks where the service is likely to be busy/different.

@Sirzy

Can you explain to the vicar and ask him to let you have a calendar of when services like christenings are happening?

Exactly this. I'm sure they'd be happy to let you know.

Thank you for the replies. Yes there is only one service all week. I did think about asking the vicar in advance but didn’t want to appear demanding and he is also quite forgetful, so it might not solve the problem.
No they didn’t have a streaming service during covid as far as I know.I am wondering if this is just part of a bigger problem as I have been finding it stressful recently due to another member of the congregation, and this feels like the icing on the cake iyswim.
This lady is absolutely lovely but has taken it upon herself to ‘befriend’ me because I seem quiet. I am friendly and engaging but I do choose to sit on my own and don’t stay for refreshments afterwards. She insists on sitting really close to me, grabbing, hugging me continuously etc and has said she feels sorry for me. She seems to see me as a ‘project’. I am kind and friendly back but when I have tried to create boundaries it doesn’t work. I have started feeling anxious each week at the thought of dealing with her. I really appreciate her intentions but I hate being crowded, touched by people I don’t know well or people asking personal questions. I enjoyed the services much more before she insisted on sitting with me, but I would hate to upset her because she is so nice.
Truth be told, part of me was dreading today because I knew she would be there.
Maybe I would be better just quitting or driving an hour to another church, but she knows where I live and am worried she will pop round to check on me if I stop going.
I know this probably sounds awful but I am finding the whole thing really stressful tbh.

Usually there is a newsletter giving advance information about christenings. If you sit near the back nobody will probably notice if you leave. I dont think I would ask the vicar if you are fairly new to the church. Or see if there is another service during the week you could attend.

Sorry cross post.

I didn’t know that about home communions @sirzy. Not sure if ours do that but it’s something to consider. Communion is such a big thing.

Maybe I should just email the vicar re busier services and continue to struggle with the other lady.

I am currently listening to an online service and it is nowhere near the same thing. It would prob be ok as a last resort but not as personal as a real life service.

Thank you @Viviennemary, as far as I know there is no newsletter at our church.

@EssexLioness

Thank you for the replies. Yes there is only one service all week. I did think about asking the vicar in advance but didn’t want to appear demanding and he is also quite forgetful, so it might not solve the problem. No they didn’t have a streaming service during covid as far as I know.I am wondering if this is just part of a bigger problem as I have been finding it stressful recently due to another member of the congregation, and this feels like the icing on the cake iyswim. This lady is absolutely lovely but has taken it upon herself to ‘befriend’ me because I seem quiet. I am friendly and engaging but I do choose to sit on my own and don’t stay for refreshments afterwards. She insists on sitting really close to me, grabbing, hugging me continuously etc and has said she feels sorry for me. She seems to see me as a ‘project’. I am kind and friendly back but when I have tried to create boundaries it doesn’t work. I have started feeling anxious each week at the thought of dealing with her. I really appreciate her intentions but I hate being crowded, touched by people I don’t know well or people asking personal questions. I enjoyed the services much more before she insisted on sitting with me, but I would hate to upset her because she is so nice. Truth be told, part of me was dreading today because I knew she would be there. Maybe I would be better just quitting or driving an hour to another church, but she knows where I live and am worried she will pop round to check on me if I stop going. I know this probably sounds awful but I am finding the whole thing really stressful tbh.

Honestly I would find another church to attend based solely on the actions of this well meaning but inappropriate lady. I don't think there is a way to ask her to back off without offending her. I have autism and grew up attending Church of England church and I know the exact type of people you're talking about. In fact my mother volunteers with Mothers Union and similarly tries to take younger/quieter/vulnerable women 'under her wing' in a similar but much less touchy fashion. The lady means no harm but more than likely doesn't understand your the complexities. I think a lot of 'church people' don't understand how intimidating and inappropriate they are towards others sometimes. I doubt she will come to your house if you leave though she might try to phone you. I'd consider going to morning or evening prayer rather than Sunday morning communion as well. Some churches also have Saturday services. Our cathedral used to do a mini communion type service on a Saturday morning, much quieter than a Sunday when the part time worshipers turn up for a hit of singing and their good deed of the week.

@fernyflax thank you for your reply and for understanding the situation perfectly! I feel so guilty in these sorts of situations and I agree it would be impossible to change things without offending her, which I would hate to do. She doesn’t have my phone number thankfully (hardly anybody does) so that wouldn’t be a problem.
I have just looked up an alternative church, which is a good drive away but doable. They do a midweek holy communion service which might actually suit me better. I would prob be feel more anonymous in a larger church too. Will pop along to that and see how that goes.
Daft question, but if a service is listed as ‘holy communion’ is that pretty much all it is, so no hymns/ sermon? I think I’m ok with that because I do like to read around the subject myself anyway and do personal reflection

Holy communion usually does have a few hymns and a sermon but with it being mid week it might not be as long as a full Sunday service. It sounds effect for you though!

Perfect not effect sorry!

@fernyflax thank you, yes that sounds good. I will pop along this week and give it a try

Also wondering if anyone has any polite ways to refuse to shake hands during The Peace? At the moment we just wave due to covid but wondering what to do if shaking ands is reintroduced in the future. I like the waving as I hate strangers touching me

Mid week Holy Communion is often just 'said' (no hymns) and no sermon, or only a very short sermon of about 5 mins. They usually last about 30-45 minutes.

I hate sharing the peace too!! Pre covid it was a nightmare, especially when I first started going to the church and didn't know anyone. You could keep your hands firmly behind your back or in your pockets and just a friendly nod.

If you do email the vicar of the church you've been going to, it might be worth mentioning the 'attention' from the member of the congregation - the vicar might be able to have a quiet word and tell them to back off a bit.

You could ask to be let know when there are baptisms, we typically know 2-3 weeks ahead. Alternatively is there a midweek service you could attend? They tend to be quieter

Instead of shaking hands you could hold your together in prayer maybe. A virtuous nod and 'Peace be with you' would be fine to me.

Here is some advice written by the Diocese of Oxford, it might have some helpful ideas for you?

www.oxford.anglican.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/Autism-Guidelines-2019.pdf

Thank you for all the replies. I really appreciate it. I did a lot of thinking/ talking last night and today and I think I have a plan of action.

• my DH thinks I should talk to the vicar about the lady I mentioned, but I don’t know whether this will just be a bit awkward, so I’m undecided on this.
• we have no service next week so I am going to try midweek holy communion at another church in the meantime and see how it goes.
• however, I feel sad at the idea of leaving altogether as I have built up a (mostly) lovely community and feel very welcomed where I am. I enjoy the sermons and it is convenient for me. So, in the meantime, I am going to try getting there as late as possible to minimise interaction with this lady. I will be friendly, but maybe dial it down a little as I realise I have been giving unclear messages due to not wanting to be rude. I have masked and been chatty back even though it has stressed me.
• if this fails, then maybe I will make an excuse to sit at the other side of the church and hope she doesn’t follow me.
• I would like to ask her to stop touching me but not sure how to do that without causing offence. I may just try and move away, as much as possible and use my handbag as a bit of a blockade, to prevent her getting in so close once sat down. Have tried in past and not helped much but perhaps I need to be a bit more determined.
• will email vicar re christenings etc and ask as I think that is reasonable. He knows I am autistic anyway as I don’t stick around for refreshments afterwards and he never asks me too as he knows I don’t feel comfortable. I could easily tell other people too, but I don’t see why I should feel obliged to disclose my personal details to someone who doesn’t seem to respect healthy boundaries/ unlikely to understand anyway

Hopefully the above means I can stay with this church. But if not, then I may try just going a little less and going to a service elsewhere the rest of the time to give me a little space. But if that still doesn’t help then I can still leave, though I would be sad to do so.