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Original poster

Is this a red flag in a Christian dating relationship?

39 replies

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 10:55

I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting here because of my history of being in an abusive marriage, so I'm asking for experiences of other Christians please.

I've very recently started going on a few dates with a Christian man around my age. He's divorced, like me and I've seen no red flags in his behaviour (he is respectful, we are taking things very slowly, all dates in public places etc) except this one. Definitely not rushing me, no signs of a temper, no signs of controlling behaviour - but of course it's early days.

He says that he left his wife after she had an affair and his church 'turned against him' because he left. It all became very toxic and he ended up leaving the church and was still hounded by his ex wife's family and other church members for a couple of years. This was all a few years back - they separated and divorced in 2014 and it sounds like things are quiet now.

Is this story believable? Are there churches like this? I've only ever been to standard CofE churches and I cannot imagine any of the church people I know doing this. It was a charismatic tradition, I don't know if that makes a difference.

I like him but I want to guard my heart and not open up if this is an elaborate cover story for a history of abuse. What do you think? Keep seeing him but just make sure I keep my eyes open or end it now? It's sooooo hard to find a Christian man whose values seem to match mine that I don't want to end it if I'm over-reacting.

OP posts:

CliftonGreenYork · 31/05/2021 11:07

As an ex Mormon (LDS) I find this highly believable. A lot of more fundimentalist churches can be very controlling.

Blurp · 31/05/2021 11:13

It's possible that it's true, these things do happen (or maybe if it's more a case of people feeling awkward and avoiding him because they don't know what to say); it's also possible that it's not. Or that it's somewhere in the middle. Can you look up the church website and get a "feel" for whether it seems very fundamentalist?

Have you met his friends and family? What are they like? Have they said anything about what happened? I think it's wise to take things slowly and try to get a "feel" for his life.

HollowTalk · 31/05/2021 11:17

But why would they hound him and not her? That doesn't make sense. She broke the marriage vows - why wasn't she blamed for that?

MinorCharacter · 31/05/2021 11:21

I'd be far more worried by the fact that it sounds as if he was perfectly contentedly part of a fundamentalist-sounding church for years until the split in his marriage. I agree with a pp who suggests looking up the exact church and researching its ethos, and seeing whether you want someone who believed in that as part of your life.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 11:21

I haven't met friends or family yet but I wouldn't expect to have after this number of dates. I've done some amateur Internet sleuthing which backs up that other things he's told me about work history, age etc are true.

I don't know the name of the church, I could ask and maybe also ask my vicar as she might know something about the church, since it must be local.

I guess I've not got grounds to end things at this stage but just keep my eyes open and definitely make sure I'm not kept at a distance from friends/family if we reach that stage?

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 11:23

He hasn't expressed any views I'd consider fundamentalist. We are both traditionally-minded but nothing more than that.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 11:25

It’s ofcourse possible that it’s true.

But I have learned to be careful when men started to badmouth their exes or put all the blame on them. But that’s general and has not necessarily anything to do with being Christian or not.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 11:29

That's the thing, I'm wary of badmouthing an ex too .... but he isn't really, he's badmouthing the church. He seems to accept they both did things wrong. They have children together and he has them regularly, if that means anything. Obviously I haven't met them yet, just as he hasn't met my children, but I've seen photos.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 31/05/2021 11:31

It’s early days and difficult to say.

Perhaps you know someone from your social circle that knows someone from the particular church and they can discreetly ask around for you. If not possible keep it in the back of your mind, take it easy and see where it goes. And always, always trust your gut feeling, it’s there to guide you.

namechangemarch21 · 31/05/2021 11:36

I think its entirely possible its true. There are some churches, and backgrounds, where the expectation is you forgive infidelity, especially if someone is looking for forgiveness. It seems bonkers but it entirely possible the church framed it as: yes his wife sinned, but she is repenting now, and you have children and an obligation and you are being obstinate not giving her a chance. Its possible he's overstating it, but certainly I have extended family who grew up with the view that an affair wasn't an acceptable reason to leave a family, and marriage was for life, regardless of what abuse occurred within it. I would be interested to hear his reaction though, beyond just leaving: you say you are both christian, but has he said anything like it made him realise his church was much more fundamentalist than he had thought, or that it was not what he was looking for so he was so much happier in his new church? I would have thought you could discuss it a bit in theological terms: as in, were there other signs like this regarding other church members he was aware of before it happened to him? That's one route in to getting more information.

I'm surprised you didn't express some of your shock to him when he said it - not, 'I can't believe that happened' more 'gosh none of the churches I've been in would have don't that, is this what the church you grew up in was like? Was it a surprise when it happened?'

catmandont · 31/05/2021 11:36

I have a friend whose Dad had an affair and her Mum was ostracised from the church for 'not being a good enough wife'! CofE church I think in the 90s.

Unfortunately in my experience it's the overtly religious people who often shown themselves to be what I can only describe as very 'unchristian' in their actions.

Toilenstripes · 31/05/2021 11:42

I could see this happening in an evangelical church if she had repented and been willing to work on the marriage. I’m not sure what he means by hounding. I can certainly see the church elders believing they should try to communicate with him and believing they were right to facilitate saving a marriage. All this goes double if the wife had relatives in the church.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 11:44

I did express surprise and he has said he has found another church near him which is more welcoming. But I haven't tried to probe deeper yet. It's all so alien to me as I was only separated when I joined my church and my vicar actually encouraged me to get divorced!

OP posts:

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 11:45

Lots to think about anyway, thank you. I think I will proceed for now but with eyes wide open and make sure I get some more detail on what happened before it moves beyond dates in public places.

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MissyB1 · 31/05/2021 11:50

Just because you are lucky enough to be a member of a supportive church OP please don’t assume all churches are like that!

Northernsoullover · 31/05/2021 12:23

I went to an Evangelical church for a bit and I did indeed find it cliquey and gossipy. I'm not saying they are all like that but it was my first time attending church in years and it really put me off. I've had a better experience in CIW (Wales) some churches are indeed strange places.

Comefromaway · 31/05/2021 12:53

Yes, I used to attend a similar kind church. The wife might have had the affair but if she repented then he would be supposed to forgive her. Him leaving her would be seen as worse than her affair.

LookAtMissOhio · 31/05/2021 12:55

Heard similar tale from a Baptist friend. Some churches are very very conservative about separations, no matter the reason. Totally believable OP.

Chisandbiscuits · 31/05/2021 12:55

In my experience often the most 'religious' people are the least tolerant. I was sickened by what went on at my local Church when my elderly relative joined.

MustardRose · 31/05/2021 12:56

Yes, I can easily believe this of some churches.

Percypigg · 31/05/2021 13:07

Totally believe that could happen. Is he a Dr?? I know someone that it happened to.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 13:08

He's not a doctor, no.

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GoldenEvilHoor · 31/05/2021 13:10

This reply has been withdrawn

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LookAtMissOhio · 31/05/2021 13:25

Yes Golden ! We were told in Catholic school, in the 2010, that you could separate from someone in certain limited situations, but must NEVER EVER divorce, and live a lonely celibate life after that.

Luckily I had a good nose for bullshit even at that age! Fuck the patriarchy!

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 31/05/2021 13:26

Well that's not at all what my church teaches! I guess some churches twist things, they are run by humans after all.

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