Is this a red flag in a Christian dating relationship?

[bathsh3ba]

I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting here because of my history of being in an abusive marriage, so I'm asking for experiences of other Christians please.

I've very recently started going on a few dates with a Christian man around my age. He's divorced, like me and I've seen no red flags in his behaviour (he is respectful, we are taking things very slowly, all dates in public places etc) except this one. Definitely not rushing me, no signs of a temper, no signs of controlling behaviour - but of course it's early days.

He says that he left his wife after she had an affair and his church 'turned against him' because he left. It all became very toxic and he ended up leaving the church and was still hounded by his ex wife's family and other church members for a couple of years. This was all a few years back - they separated and divorced in 2014 and it sounds like things are quiet now.

Is this story believable? Are there churches like this? I've only ever been to standard CofE churches and I cannot imagine any of the church people I know doing this. It was a charismatic tradition, I don't know if that makes a difference.

I like him but I want to guard my heart and not open up if this is an elaborate cover story for a history of abuse. What do you think? Keep seeing him but just make sure I keep my eyes open or end it now? It's sooooo hard to find a Christian man whose values seem to match mine that I don't want to end it if I'm over-reacting.

It will be about Mark 10:9 (I think it’s there, it’s been a while) about whom the lord joineth together let no man separate.

The traditional view is that if things go wrong both parties have been joined by God so they need to both repent for their arguments/infidelity/whatever and sort things out as they can never be separated as only God can do that not them / man.

Their old church would probably have nipping her ear to repent and get back with her one true husband and stop messing about or she’ll burn in hell, and separately chasing him to say he can’t escape and has to take her back as she’s repentant so get back together with your one true wife or else you’ll be excommunicated and burn in hellfire.

Some churches don’t even allow divorcees to remarry as they ‘have a husband already in the eyes of the lord’ etc.

I thought that was old school but perhaps it still exists. My church of 30 years ago was like that. Strict too.

I’ve had 4 female friends hounded out of their churches for not staying with abusive or philandering husbands.

I'm so irrationally upset there are so many 'bad' churches. They are going so completely against everything Jesus was ever about. It's so wrong. I think some of these 'Christians' may get a shock one day if they don't recognise their error.

As someone going through a divorce and in contact with a lot of divorced first wives I would counsel caution until you know more. It is very standard for men to blame the wacky ex wife for everything wrong in the marriage. Did she have an affair or is he projecting what he did? Did she have the affair after he did? There is a lot you don't know and he is not an unbiased source.

My experience of churches and divorcing couples is that the very conservative ones will side with the husband. The expectation is that the wife will put up with everything up to and including DV. However very conservative churches are relatively rare in the UK.

Marriages are complex things and parties in a divorce will both have a narrative which makes sense to them but can be profoundly different.

@bathsh3ba

Well that's not at all what my church teaches! I guess some churches twist things, they are run by humans after all.

I don't think it's a matter of 'twisting' things. It's a matter of which Bible verses you choose to think are key -- stuff like Ephesians 5 is all there in black and white, but it's a matter of whether you think something like Galatians 3.28 should be prioritised over the 'submissive wife/husband headship' stuff which is key to certain Conservative Christian denominations.

I don't think it's a matter of 'twisting' things. It's a matter of which Bible verses you choose to think are key -- stuff like Ephesians 5 is all there in black and white, but it's a matter of whether you think something like Galatians 3.28 should be prioritised over the 'submissive wife/husband headship' stuff which is key to certain Conservative Christian denominations.

I agree. it isn't about twisting words- it's all in the bible- to be cherry picked at random.

I'd be worried he was part of that sort of church before he was thrown out.

Yes, I've seen it several times at our old charismatic church, mostly the man leaving the women for her adultery. If she has sought forgiveness and the ex won't forgive her and reconcile, he's the one seen as in the wrong.

Like a PP I've also seen women also called out for not submitting (and staying with the abuser).

my old church invited ex to stuff, not me as he told them I had left him.

well I did. I left him at the side of the road when he punched me in the head while he was driving the car round a roundabout with the children in the back of the car. except they just heard left him and would not discuss further.

Requiring someone to stay in an abusive marriage is horrible and, in my opinion, just an example of the legalism which Jesus sought to argue against. The churches who insist on these kinds of rules are the modern day Pharisees.

Anyway, I've had a bit more of a discussion with him and am feeling like it's less of a red flag now but will still keep a close eye.

Have you got real life friends you can discuss this with? Or your vicar, who you say is supportive?
If you were my real life friend I would suggest an abundance of caution.

I hope things are now going well for you OP.

Just to add to other peoples experiences, my lovely friend decided to split from her husband after 10 years of marriage and 3 children. Both regular church goers and active members of a fairly run of the mill C of E church. He had been caught cheating before and they had gone through counselling (church appointed) and reconciled.

She found out this year that he had kept up the affairs and in fact fathered a child and was paying rent to put up the mother and child elsewhere, running up debt in my friends name to sustain it. She said enough was enough and kicked him out. Church members took him in as the OW also didn't want him living with her (she had been told their marriage was over)

The first time my friend ventured back into the church, the vicar approached her and asked if she was ready to forgive yet. She was incredulous at the suggestion but the vicar assured her the her ex husband was repentant and willing to pay for his sins and re-enter church based counselling. Could my friend not forgive for the sake of her 3 children?

She was upset and left but returned for regular services but the ex husband was still attending. The couple who had taken him in also approached my friend and said how sad he was that his family was being torn apart by her reticence to work on their marriage

Over time she couldn't go to a service without being cajoled in some way to speak to her ex. She left that church last month and is currently trying to find another one as feels 'lost at sea' without guidance.

It's so sad and has put so much guilt and added pressure on her, stopping her from the clean break she needs.

So yes, it's believable and I hope he has found a new church with more compassion.

Kidney newname I am so sorry to hear your friend's experience. I too have been hit over the head with a forgiveness stick, over a completely different issue. I did eventually come to the point of forgiving the person concerned, but I would say the attitude of other Christians delayed my ability to forgive, rather than helping me to do so.

I can totally believe this happened, sadly.

Some churches can be very cultish (shivers)