Roman Catholic funerals

[elephantoverthehill]

Hi, I am in need of a bit of advice. My Dc's GM died 3 years ago they attended the funeral in Ireland, but now they are being asked to go to anniversary mass in September. Dd is reluctant to go as it will mean missing 3 days of school as she is in Y11 and has missed plenty of school already this year. Her Dad is putting pressure on them to go. It's ok for Ds to go but not really for Dd. How important are these masses please? BTW I am not with their Dad anymore.

I've not heard of people going out of their way to attend an anniversary mass. I thought it's just something you ask your local priest to do and then you can tell others that you did it. Kind of like 'we said prayers at church today for grandad'. Not 'you must be at church today as we're saying prayers for grandad'. If that makes any sense at all.

My BIL had an anniversary mass for my sister. I know this as he sent little prayer cards to all her family afterwards.

Not at all - your ex is being ridiculous

Depends on the family & how religious they are. Mine are very Irish Roman Catholic, what we do when we can't make a mass, is to arrange for a Mass Card to be sent instead.

Speak to your local priest and arrange for a mass in Granny's name, you will then get a Mass Card signed by the priest and send that. There is normally a small donation Your daughter can then attend that mass.

It's a perfectly respectable way to honour an anniversary of a Catholics death.

Thanks FatCat. I am a bit confused TBH. I know in the Jewish religion funerals take place very quickly after death and there is a memorial service later but this is 3 years later and the Dcs have told me the Mass takes place each year, so why should this year be so important?

Thank you Smelting unfortunately I am not RC but I can understand what you are suggesting.

Mass doesn’t take place every year, for the deceased. There will be the usual mass and her name will be mentioned amongst others. Don’t let the silly gut guilt you into it. It’s honestly not a big deal. Theresa bloody pandemic on, why would you increase the risk of catching or spreading it, by traveling for an anniversary. What’s he playing at? Is he wanting you to send the kids without you? If you do, is there a chance he’ll try to get them to stay, because of Covid?

Not usual to travel out of your way to attend. In my family they’d always get a mass said on the anniversary of a death. We were an hour away and would sometimes attend but otherwise not. You could get them to remember their GM on that day, perhaps light a candle by a photograph of her, talk about their memories. I sometimes pop into a church and light a candle on my DM’s anniversary as I don’t attend church otherwise but it was important to DM.

It depends where in Ireland. It would be normal for your DH to fly to attend, but not necessarily the DC.

Geta mass card from your parish priest and send that. Ridiculous for their father to enforce this.

Lillian he lives where I live and his job is here, yes he wants them to fly over but I agree with you that unnecessary travel is not a good idea at the moment. Eye it's in Dungarvan if that is relevant

I'm from a very Catholic Irish family. For a lot of religious families and especially for the first few years, anniversary masses often double up as a gathering for the immediate family, maybe with a meal or drinks after it. For example I have many siblings spread across Ireland and UK and my nieces and nephews would tend to come to my father's one every year. However it falls during holidays so means that missing school is never a possibility and we get lots of notice of the date so people plan accordingly in advance as it's often the one time the family will all get together so it's a nice catch up.

That being said, it has absolutely never been an issue when someone or one family can't make it and missing school definitely wouldn't be expected if it fell during another month. So I agree with the poster who says a mass card would be a good idea.

Also makes no sense why it's an issue this year if it hasn't been previously. There's nothing special about the three year anniversary.

Just to add that travelling to it definitely wouldn't be expected or a reasonable request during a pandemic!! My response was more of a general background!

Theresa bloody pandemic on. I’ve no idea why Theresa has started a pandemic, but the way this years going, nothing would surprise me. 🤣

@LillianBland

Theresa bloody pandemic on. I’ve no idea why Theresa has started a pandemic, but the way this years going, nothing would surprise me. 🤣

Bloody torys.

God no it's not a big deal at all, certainly not to take kids out of school for days and certainly not in current circumstances.

He's being silly. Maybe he thinks it's more than it actually is.

It sounds as though the Ex is just trying to exert a bit of pressure and control on you and the children, just give a polite and calm refusal.
It’s not on to take children out of school, they’ve already missed so much, would the school even give permission?

Has he not heard about the pandemic?

That’s a nice idea to have a Mass said for Grandmother at your local church, the priest will be glad to do that. Also light a candle by her photo on the day, take a photo of it and send to the main relative over there, that will smooth any ruffled feathers, though I think it’s more likely that it’s the Ex who’s making a big thing of it.

I’m RC but not Irish. I have friends that are and they seem to make a big thing of the anniversary. My df died, we didn’t do anything but visit his grave and lay flowers and talk about him in remembrance. No other family or friends.
I think your dh us bring ridiculous demanding she goes, she can remember her on the day wherever she is, she doesn’t physically need to be there.
She can go next year. Dh can go on his own.

I’ve been to a lot of anniversary masses. In my family people do make an effort to go, but if it doesn’t work no one would mind. I always fly to Ireland each year for one anniversary mass in particular - but that’s not happening this year, because there is a pandemic! And there is nothing special about the third, the first maybe but not the third. Also masses tend to be on weekends so (If there wasn’t a pandemic on) couldn’t they just fly over after school on Friday, back on Sunday evening?

LillianBland

Theresa bloody pandemic on. I’ve no idea why Theresa has started a pandemic, but the way this years going, nothing would surprise me.* 🤣

Bloody torys.. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

September is only next month - I'd be hugely surprised if mass is even back on by then. Is it that he wants to take them back to see family, and the mass has become a sort of focal point for everyone this year?

Either way, I would not be happy with a child missing school after missing so much this year.

Most catholics have masses on the anniversary of their death a family member normally informs the priest.
I attend them if I can for family members. I wouldn't travel for a mass.
It's sounds like he wants a family visit, not just for the mass.

This comes under non-essential travel.

Ireland has a green list of countries for essential travel. The UK is not currently on Ireland's Green List of "safe" countries. Therefore here is what to expect: -

"What to do on entering Ireland from abroad:

The Irish Authorities advise anyone coming into Ireland, apart from Northern Ireland and individuals arriving in Ireland from locations with a security rating of ‘normal precautions’ (“green”), to restrict their movements for 14 days, and this includes citizens and residents returning to Ireland. Restricting your movements means staying indoors in one location and avoiding contact with other people and social situations as much as possible. To ensure that this is being observed all passengers arriving to Ireland from overseas are obliged to complete a mandatory Public Health Passenger Locator Form and to submit it to the relevant authority at their port of entry. For further details please see the Irish Government Advice Page."

So your exH and your DC cannot just rock up for a three day trip. They would need to arrive 2 weeks in advance of the Mass and self-isolate for 14 days. Also, the Mass is unlikely to be a private one just for family, there will be other worshippers in the congregation, many of them likely to be in the older, at risk category. It would be unethical and criminal not to observe the correct precautions. The numbers allowed into the Church will be limited depending on the size of the building so your exH and DC may be denied entry to the Church.

The Anniversary Mass is normally an important event for the family. However, the pandemic has hit Ireland hard, so many families have been forced to have small, private funerals, no comforting hugs, no flowers, no viewing of the body, no touching of the coffin, often no funeral service, just straight to the grave in recent months. For a family to expect other family members to travel to attend an anniversary Mass at the current time is sheer bloody minded idiocy and an insult to all of us who have been unable to attend the funerals of those we love who have died whether from Covid or other causes in recent months. The message is still Stay Home, Stay Safe.

This pandemic will pass in time and there will be plenty of Anniversary Masses to attend in future years.

Perhaps the Church where the Mass will be celebrated has a livestream of its services so you could watch from home? Search the parish website to see.

Thank you very much Sage for your sensible advice.

My Mum still travels over to Ireland every year for her parents' anniversary Masses (they died over 20 years ago). None of the rest of us are expected to make a special effort to attend beyond the actual funeral. We would go if we were there but not travel specially, and absolutely not miss school. I'm still a practising Catholic, work for the church, and generally take it all quite seriously, and even I wouldn't dream of making a trip to Ireland just for an anniverary Mass. I might have a Mass offered in my home parish, but I'd probably just light a candle and say a prayer on the day. Nothing more than that.

@SageRosemary has said it all ... current covid restrictions, reduced numbers attending mass and missing school would make it very unwise to travel at the moment. And live streaming is available from many churches.