Leaving an ‘unhealthy’ church

[withgraceinmyheart]

Putting ‘unhealthy’ in inverted commas because I know it’s a subjective thing. I believe it was unhealthy for me.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice about how to move on from a bad church experience?

I’m really struggling to leave my old church on an emotional level, even though I haven’t been going on a Sunday for a long time.

Has anyone suffered a lot in one church and then managed to find somewhere new that they fitted better? I could do with some positive inspiration.

Thanks.

Is it the building, the services, the minister or the other members of the congregation that you are finding it hard to let go of?

And which was it that caused the bad experience - the same reason, or different?

Thanks for the reply.

Its the people I miss, but also the idea of what I thought it would be in my life. I had a lot of hope when I started going there. It’s a vibrant church with lots going and I thought I could be part of that. I’m sad that didn’t happen.

It’s the leadership that have caused the hurt. Lots of things have been badly dealt with over many years.

I'm assuming a Christian church? Perhaps you might find comfort in attending a service of another denomination. You will find a welcome wherever you go. It will be different, but you may find somewhere you fit in better. Keep an open mind and maybe think about it? You could just go the once and then see how you feel afterwards.

I left a church for various reasons back in 2004. It took me until last October to get to the point where I felt I wanted to go back to church regularly again. My background is the more charismatic end of things, but I now go to a C of E church which is quite traditional and I feel at home there.
I thought I was over the hurt that previous experiences had caused, but that appears not to be the case, and going back to church has highlighted that. Fortunately I feel in a place to be able to deal with that, and current church (and curate) is helping.

Yes dusti it’s a Christian church. I tried visiting another one a few times but it just makes me miss my old church and wish I could go back. I think it’s partly a ‘better the devil you know’ situation. I’m so scared of being hurt again, and at least at my old church I know what to expect!

Thank you for reply Catina. I’m so sorry you were hurt so badly too. I can imagine it might take that long for me too, maybe I’m rushing things. Can I ask a question...did you find you were lonely in that time? How did you cope with that? I don’t really have faith anymore so not missing that aspect, but I wish I could be part of a community again.

Not personally but I just read a great book about a young woman who left the notorious Westboro Baptist Church it's called Unfollow by Megan Phelps Roper. You might find that helpful.

I have come across several people who have been hurt by a church and left but they never actually say what happened that hurt them so much. It might help others if they did, nobody has to give their real name. I always feel very sorry for them and wonder if the church could have handled some things better but who knows if they will not confide.

Fannia, I'm not surprised to hear of people leaving Westboro, that is one sinister place. However most of the churches i'e heard of people leaving (hurt) have been mainstream.

All anyone can do is try a few different places but nowhere is going to be perfect.

Thanks Fannia i will check it out.

blue Thanks for your reply. I don’t want to say anymore about what happened, because I don’t want advice on whether or not to leave so I don’t think it’s relevant. I think it’s easy to play the blame game and I’m trying not to do that. I just want to move on now.

I was raised in an unhealthy church. It was a small evangelical church that believed only members of that particular group were saved, and that your salvation was extremely fragile. So if you did anything bad you could be lost. There was a lot of gossip and judgement, and far too much involvement in members' personal lives.

It took me more than ten years from leaving as a young adult to being able to return to church and not have horrible flashbacks and fears about my past.

I would suggest you take time before searching for another congregation. It is not an easy process.

Fair enough, withgrace.

I hope you find somewhere that suits you better eventually but there is no rush.

I disagree with BlueRussian, I know many many people who have moved churches, many times. And all have told leadership why. But nothing ever changes. Because these people don't want to hear it.

There are always failings, always things that can be done better : in any big organisation - school, a company you work for, your local government, council, anything. but often people just don't want to hear it and don't want to deal with the core issues.

The Westboro Baptist Church is something like a cult and the women basically had to leave much of her family behind but on a smaller scale leaving a normal church would have a lot of similarities. Leaving your friends and social life etc. So this is why I think OP might relate to her story.

OP, it would be a good idea to have a "test drive" of all the various churches in your area, then start attending the one where you felt most welcome and which has the best fit with your theological position.
I left my church when our wonderful minister retired and a miserable curmudgeon took over. I visited a church (of the same denomination) across the hills in another village, to try it out.
When I walked in before the service, I was greeted and welcomed. I saw a small toddler playing on the steps to the pulpit. The minister came in to start the service, scooped the toddler up with a beaming smile, gave him a hug and handed him to his mum in one of the pews. The whole atmosphere was one of warmth and Christian fellowship. I knew I'd found my new spiritual home.

My family had to leave the church I grew up in when I was a teenager after a series of events that led to one my parents falling out with another member fault on both sides & sides were taken & the majority weren't on ours. I had friends in another local church & eventually my family ended up settled there. I only left there when I moved away. It never entirely felt like my forever church anyway.

My current church felt like home from the first time I tried it. Can't put my finger on exactly why but for many years I saw it as pretty much ideal for me. Over a decade later & various people have come & gone & things have inevitably changed. I don't see eye to eye with some of the loud voices in the church & am wary of the direction the church as a whole is taking. We seem to have become a real hub for "social action" in the area & have taken the lead on several community initiatives that have spread throughout the local area.

I think this is great & wouldn't want to go to a church where there wasn't a focus on tackling social injustice but... this seems to now be the entire focus of the church & there doesn't seem to be a lot of attention paid to anyone who's already a Christian. I'm not sure why we can't reach out to those who need support while simultaneously nurturing the church community. Apparently if you come from a naiceish Christian background your box is ticked & you'll have no issues that might need supporting...! When I joined I felt like it was a family, now it feels like colleagues working together.

It doesn't help that those loud voices I disagree with are part of my small group which means I feel like that's not my safe space anymore. That's not the only reason I don't feel like I can share openly within that group - I & other people have literally been told that some things aren't appropriate to share with the group out of respect for those who don't want to be part of that conversation. These comments came while the group was doing a series on mental health with a big focus on being open & "doing life together." Yup, let's do life together but not if you have too many issues or want to share something that helped you in a situation that someone else is experiencing but some others can't relate to...!

We're looking to move later in the year anyway & until relatively recently I felt like I couldn't leave because the church was my life. I'm not a fan of change & will usually only do it if forced - perhaps this is God's way of stopping me clinging on when we need to be somewhere else!

Anyone got any recommendations for churches who behave like a nurturing family with good provision for children, a focus on serving the local community & in an area with not too expensive houses...?! & tolerant of people who are slightly odd & waffle on the internet...

Pray and ask God for guidance

Thanks for sharing your experiences missyou, they sound similar to mine. Did you manage to remain friends with any of the people from that church? I’m trying to work out how I can. I love them, but they’re stuck in that church’s culture and I can’t work out how to have healthy relationships with them.

oblo i agree, I’ve has lots of conversations with the leadership and so have many others, but they aren’t willing to see the damage they’re doing. I think that’s part of why I’m struggling to let go, I don’t feel heard. Every conversation I have with them makes it worse.

Yes Fannia i think I would. I’m so sad to be losing friends and social support, but it’s not worth it for the damage it’s doing to my heart.

Bab thanks for your story, it’s good to know you found somewhere that fits you, and you’re right I need to take my time.

The issue is that my current church is very well polished on the surface, and it all sounds very loving and welcoming, but what’s said it private is totally incongruous with that. It makes me worry that other churches might be playing the same game and that a place that seems welcoming will turn out not to be on a deep level.

I guess I come at it from a different angle. My church attendance continues because of my faith and not the community or people. I no longer have ties to the unhealthy church of my late teenage years not least because it expelled my parents, damaged the mental health of many others and (finally) the minister was sacked not just from the church but stripped of his right to pastor anywhere within the denomination again. Sadly there was a lot of damage before that point was reached and there is still a physical heart wrench 20 years on. Prior to that minister taking up post this was the church in which I grew up, whose families were my family.

I am thankful that my faith was only deepened - I took refuge in the bible and was part of a fabulous church whilst a student and beyond. The damaging church though was there wreaking havoc through those student and early adult years and it took years and years for the sacking to happen. As such, when we relocated we have found a good and happy church but I still find it hard to trust people and be vulnerable with them. I don't have a small group and I don't volunteer for things (though other family members do) partly because the leadership in the current church also caused hurt (not just to me) because at the end of the day they are human and fallible. Equally they are sensitive and not pushy so I feel welcome and part of things whilst being slightly separate. It's a funny place to be in ... in and out; oberserver rather than participant ... but it's safe.

Barbara thanks for sharing your story and I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I can relate to a lot of you said, especially the bits about being asked not to talk about certain things. It makes it hard to feel accepted and loved as you are if you feel like you have to censor yourself in order to belong.

Hope you find somewhere too

I stopped going to church for a while - more than 10 years ago now but it took several years to get through - due to having been through a traumatic period where the church didn't help and made things worse in many ways.

What helped me - I found a "creative"/"fresh expressions" non-church thing that held an evening event once a month that wasn't really "going to church" but an opportunity to reflect, possibly pray, have a think about something. I also went to the Greenbelt festival each summer (which was the only times I took communion for 2 or 3 years)

After coming through that period I found I was able to re-join a more "normal" church - though with a very different style to the kind I had previously attended. It took a few more years to be able to tolerate the worship style that I associated with the bad patch in my own life.

Thanks hanah, sorry you’ve been hurt too. I used to feel like that too, I would go to church because I knew that God loved me and wanted me to be in community.

I don’t know if God is real anymore, and if he is, I don’t think he wants me at all. I’m hoping that if find somewhere to belong it will help me have faith again.

Thank you Talaxu, I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through. That’s a really good idea about trying to find something that’s ‘a bit churchy’ without throwing myself in to a new community.

It seems like the consensus of most of the people who’ve gone through this that it takes a long time to recover and I shouldn’t be rushing it, which is really helpful.

OP, I’m so sad to read that you think God doesn’t want you. Nothing could be further from the truth. He willingly suffered and died on a cross, out of His infinite love and compassion for all humanity - and of course that includes you.
Jesus described God as a Heavenly Father - a loving parent, who endlessly forgives and welcomes His children. His parable of the prodigal son illustrates that beautifully.
While you are seeking a new church, please don’t give up on private prayer. If you can’t find the words, just be still, and let God come to you. Sometimes we find Him most easily that way - by simply being receptive, by admitting that we are empty or struggling or lacking faith, and offering Him our parched souls to revive and fill.
I used to be a rabid atheist, until my DH died when I was 35. I was devastated by grief, bereft, unable to function. And it was only then, when I was no longer blocking God out, or distracted by my busy life, that I had a direct encounter with God that changed my life. It was utterly shocking to find God not just being sympathetic, but taking my grief from me and suffering it Himself instead. I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t speak about it for a week, but finally talked to the excellent minister who took DH’s funeral. He was a very down to earth ex aircraft engineer, and I chose to attend his church regularly from then on, to my great benefit and support.
You are loved, OP. Whether you believe it or know it, God loves us all. And He will be patiently waiting, whenever or wherever you find your way back to Him.