Leaving an ‘unhealthy’ church

[withgraceinmyheart]

Putting ‘unhealthy’ in inverted commas because I know it’s a subjective thing. I believe it was unhealthy for me.

I was wondering if anyone has any advice about how to move on from a bad church experience?

I’m really struggling to leave my old church on an emotional level, even though I haven’t been going on a Sunday for a long time.

Has anyone suffered a lot in one church and then managed to find somewhere new that they fitted better? I could do with some positive inspiration.

Thanks.

Oblomov, a very sensible post from you in my opinion if I may say so.

hanahsaunt, what an awful experience you and your family had. I'm glad you have come through it intact.

@withgraceinmyheart my husband and I have recently moved churches, not because of a specifically bad experience but we decided it wasn't healthy for us either. We are still feeling very new at the new church but have found going to one of the home groups really helpful as a way to meet people and feel part of the community. My husband was a part of our previous church all his life and I've been there for about 9 years through the youth group etc so it was hard to leave but you have to do what's right for you ...

My in laws also left the same church and are struggling finding a new one but they're getting there. I would encourage you to keep searching until you find somewhere you feel happy and settled. A speaker at the new church recently said "the fastest growing denomination is Christians he don't go to church" which he said is because of so much hurt from leadership and church fall outs etc, but it's such a shame! There are good churches out there.

All the best to you.

I've been in the same situation OP and sympathise. In fact it sounds like I was in the same group as @missyoumuch if there were very strict dress and hair length rules for women! I haven't been able to find another church because I'm picky and the things I liked from the old church, don't seem to exist in different churches (hymns, style of service and so on). Sorry you're having to go thru this OP.

I've name changed because I'm going to be bluntly outing! I don't mind people recognising me on this post, but don't want to link it to my others.

I'm a current fence sitter, on the fringes of my church. In order for my circumstances to make sense you'd need to know that the church is the Salvation Army. I'd been a member since I was 18, attending since 15, but had to leave as a soldier last year, so I can still attend, but I'm not a member, can't lead anymore, can't take part in any groups, wear my uniform anymore etc.

I'm very progressive in my views and have clashed with various people both in and out of leadership on a number of modern issues. I still desperately want to see that change happen, and believe it will, the SA is just horrifically slow. There are huge movements pushing for it, unfortunately, my particular corps is a strongly traditional one, and they won't allow my membership in my current position, whilst most more progressive ones would.

Anyway, if your church is the Salvation Army, or even if it's not, but you would appreciate chatting in private, I'm very happy for you to message me.

I know many people in similar positions to me, for a variety of reasons. Many who keep hoping for change from within, many who sit on the fringes, and sadly many more who've felt no choice but to leave.

I try to remember that the people that make church, are not God, and they mess up too, but that doesn't make the whole church a bad thing.

signpost, I know a few people who have a problem with the Salvation Army’s stand on issues like homosexuality. I know the SA do a huge amount of excellent charity work among the most marginalised in society, but I can’t agree with their harsh views.
I’m thankful that my own church (C of Scotland) is welcoming to all. The minister of my village kirk was actually on the national committee that approved gay ministers. Our mission statement specifically welcomes all worshippers of any religion, nationality, or sexual orientation.
One of my DDs is a bisexual, communist, radical feminist and Buddhist. The minister always greets her with a Namaste and makes her welcome when she attends church with me on visits home! DD says she loves the community spirit in our church, which she misses as she doesn’t have a nearby Buddhist temple for her own worship where she lives.
Whatever your issues with SA, I hope you find a happy temporary spiritual home in another church, while you wait for the SA to mellow.

"signpost, I know a few people who have a problem with the Salvation Army’s stand on issues like homosexuality. I know the SA do a huge amount of excellent charity work among the most marginalised in society, but I can’t agree with their harsh views. "

It's unfortunate that people think that the Salvation Army still thinks that way as a whole. There are huge strides to improve that sort of thing, and these are exactly the things that I'm in the progressive, pushing for change camp on- and it really is happening.

Thankfully!

It is hard because as you say, sometimes things can appear all very nice but it's not until you're quite entrenched that you realise quite what they're about, or things are simply left unsaid and the party line assumed, until you push against it...

One of the main things I wanted when I moved churches was an acceptance that people would have different views and wouldn't be mistreated as a consequence. And I'm glad that I've found it. But I'm pretty sure that some people would think it was horribly liberal.

I think it would help to know the sorts of issues that are making you feel like this, and what sort of a church you like. For instance, if you want to find a church that is welcoming of gay people then Inclusive Church have a directory, and they cover quite a range of styles.

Thank you for reply Catina. I’m so sorry you were hurt so badly too. I can imagine it might take that long for me too, maybe I’m rushing things. Can I ask a question...did you find you were lonely in that time? How did you cope with that? I don’t really have faith anymore so not missing that aspect, but I wish I could be part of a community again.

I think I probably was lonely initially, yes, and tried other churches to see if I could find one I liked - or more importantly, one that wouldn't mind me (being gay) - and found one or two I liked, but one was definitely a 'don't ask, don't tell' place (and had I 'told' I wouldn't have been approved of), and the other was similar to the church I'd been to previously, and I had a feeling that they also wouldn't be keen once they got to know me.
So I stopped going to any church for a long while, and didn't really have a whole lot of faith either, and actually, was relieved that I didn't feel any guilt or pressure that I 'ought' to be at church. It was nice not to go to church for a change! I wasn't lonely for a long while, but over the last two or three years the feeling that I wanted to 'belong' somewhere again got stronger. I felt homeless, if that doesn't sound too strong.
Like you, I didn't want to be hurt all over again, and once I'd been to my current church a few times (and felt like it was somewhere I wanted to be), I asked one of the leaders (who I knew a bit anyway) if I'd be ok there, and she said that while she couldn't guarantee the entire congregation being welcoming (fair enough really), the church minister and co would be ok with it.

Thanks for the replies. I’m looking for somewhere inclusive and supportive. I had a look at Inclusive Church but there’s nothing anywhere near me. It’s pretty well acknowledged that there’s nothing for more ‘progressive’ Christians in our area, lots of other people I know are frustrated too. There are several decent sized conservative evangelical churches, and the local Anglican churches all seem to lean that way as well. I know all the local churches pretty well because of an old job I had.

My old church is one that seems progressive and inclusive on the surface. There are several ‘out’ same sex couples, but privately those people are not being allowed to participate fully and are told their ‘lifestyle’ is sinful. I didn’t know that until recently, I assumed it was inclusive because it’s all said in secret.

I’m in a heterosexual marriage so it doesn’t affect me personally. I’m just using it as an example of why I’m struggling to just go along and try places. I know that you only find out what’s really going on once you’ve been there a while and it’s too late then.

Cross posted Catina thanks for answering my question, that’s really helpful. I relate to so much of your post, although I’m not gay. I’ve also experienced churches whose welcome is superficial and conditional.

I’m also loving the freedom from guilt at the moment. My husbands the same. We’re really enjoying having quiet family time on a Sunday and not feeling like we should be church.

@AspergersMum the church I was in didn't have hair and clothing rules for women, but that just shows this sort of behaviour is sadly quite common. We enter into a community based on faith seeking fellowship and people can take advantage of that and turn it into something hurtful.

That does sound difficult OP. I'm in a city where there are a reasonable number of inclusive churches. There are churches not signed up to inclusive church that are often quite positive - I think URC churches are generally inclusive, and I've found methodists often are too. (And I realise that you've said you know what your local churches are like, so apologies if you've been through all this!)

Friends of mine have found it helpful to go to cathedrals now and again, where there are lots of people visiting so you don't stick out and can just be there for the service.

In terms of keeping friendships going, I think it is difficult. I left my pretty fundamentalist church that I grew up in, but that was in my early 20s and before getting married. I still see people now and again, and it's fine. The majority of them are nice people, even if we disagree on certain things. I also have close friends who I disagree with quite fundamentally on certain issues, but the crucial thing is that we can accept that we each have a different opinion. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who couldn't accept that people think differently. (This isn't just conservatives - I know liberal people who are very disparaging of anyone with a different point of view.)

Sorry you have had a rough ride. Church should be a refuge not a source of pain.

I second the idea to shop around. I remember Pete Greig the charismatic pastor saying he found comfort in high Anglican mass and Eucharist when he was dealing with his wife's cancer. He usually leads community hub type "young"
"Hip" churches in night club venues rather than traditional mass.

This could be your chance to try something different. What denomination/ type of church were you in before?

Withgraceinmyheart a friend of mine and her family belonged to a cultish charismatic church in our area (lots of people were hurt by this church, not just my friend). She lost all her friends (if you aren't for us you are against us). She didn't go to church for a year.
Then her husband found a small evangelical CofE. They have been going there for 20 years and instead of constantly putting her down, as the old church did, the vicar has encouraged her to use her talents.
There is hope.