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Original poster

Am I expecting too much of my mum?

31 replies

Musicalstatues · 23/08/2019 20:21

I wasn’t sure where to post this so I thought I’d try here. My mum is a very committed Christian. It is without doubt the most important part of her life and this has been the case since I was a young child.

Myself and dh are not religious at all. We’re not raising our children to believe anything in particular, they are free to have all information and make their own decisions. Despite this very big difference in my and my mum we have a great relationship, we just tend to avoid any discussion about religion.

Our eldest is 7. He is recently got massively into Harry Potter. We have just been on holiday and one of the things he got was a Harry Potter interactive wand that does ‘real’ spells (where we were on holiday) He took it to show her yesterday and she was completely dismissive of him, just frowned and said ‘oh ok’. She obviously disapproves of Harry Potter as it’s about magic but is it asking too much for her to show some interest in things he’s really excited about? I honestly don’t know. I mostly put up with things she does or says that are related to her beliefs even when I wish she might not say some of these things to my children, but for some reason this has really upset me. I should add that she is a brilliant grandma and both dc adore her and vice versa.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/08/2019 22:55

I don't think you are expecting too much for Grandma to either show some real interest or feign some interest in whatever story her dgc is in to at the time.
Oddly enough, I don't believe that trains have faces on the front and can talk to each other and have adventures, but I didn't dismiss that fantasy when ds was really into Thomas the Tank Stories. (You can insert virtually every story ever written here from Winnie the Pooh to all the traditional tales, from Narnia to Peppa Pig.) I accepted them for what they are - children's books, and I engaged with the dc who were engaging with literature.
Nothing to do with whether you are a Christian or not. Plenty of Christians enjoy stories relating to magic.

speakout · 24/08/2019 06:42

OP I have a deeply religious family who would not take kindly to a Harry Potter wand. Many christians would see no harm in such things, but other christians may see such things as evil or demonic.
My sister has a deep christian faith- she is also a grandmother. A few months ago she walked into her grandaughters bedroom and saw a fairy door stuck to the skirting board- a small decorative door, a toy.
She pulled it off and broke oit, telling her grandaughter that a door like that was a "gateway for demons" and the there may already be demons in the bedroom as a result.
Some churches refuse to celebrate Halloween, and organise a "Party of Light" or similar, fearing the sinister.
Not all christians are accepting of toys and activities that they think encourages children to "dabble" in the "dark side".
Your mother may be such a christian.

BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 06:47

Lots of Christians don’t approve of Harry Potter.

What does she say to your children you don’t like?

Tigresswoods · 24/08/2019 06:57

I can totally believe this! My mum got in with Baptist's when I was a child. I had to sit out of anything to do with Halloween at school. As a result I now fully embrace it as an adult!

elf1985 · 24/08/2019 06:58

My father in law is a bishop and loves hp. He has the wand that controls the telly, a Hedwig puppet and alot of other stuff. She's barking

Chitarra · 24/08/2019 06:59

As she's generally a brilliant grandmother I think you have to shrug your shoulders on this one.

Pipandmum · 24/08/2019 07:03

Do you know it’s the magic element she objects to or it maybe she just doesn’t get the fuss about Harry Potter at all?
I think this is pretty minor and not worth a second thought.

MO2x · 24/08/2019 07:04

Just put her straight on how you fell I learnt this with my mum I used be on egg shells because she was such a good man but When she had the kids they got away with murder and came home been little turdnips and we get on so well now I'm just blunt as can be. She didn't take offence or anything.
She has to embrace he's a child with the biggest imagination you can think of. Help him create these things in his mind she could of said oh wow let's go get you a cape an got an old beat sheet or towel ? I used love all that as a kid with my Nan and deffo my big brothers !! Just remind her of that and to enjoy them and have fun he's innocent an doesn't get religious at his age ! They grow up to quick and before they know it they will be asking favours help them get a new car or lift to a party lol !!

speakout · 24/08/2019 07:04

elf1985

I don't think the woman is "barking", simply that she has a flavour of christianity that sees danger in such things. And she has the bible to back up her views- which has plenty of references to the evils of sorcery and how satan can disguise themselves.
Your bishop FIL may be OK with Harry Potter, our local Catholic church organises a Halloween party for children.
Be aware though that there are many sects of christianity that would see harry potter as a danger.

BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 07:06

It’ll be the magic. Lots of Christians don’t approve of Harry Potter because of that. And other religions too, I assume- many have an issue with witchcraft.

flumpybear · 24/08/2019 07:09

It probably says more about your mum than religion itself, Religion being a mask so she can be controlling - I think a lot of people hide behind religion, amongst other things, to be controlling, nasty etc

Mintjulia · 24/08/2019 07:15

If your mum is otherwise a great grandma then you just skim over her lack of enthusiasm.
However, she doesn’t have the right to tell your dcs that Harry Potter - or any other character - is bad, evil etc.
That would upset me too. She’s taking the shine off some innocent childish joy.

BillywilliamV · 24/08/2019 07:16

Don’t want to derail thread, but has anyone actually ever heard of a case of demonic possession or anything similar that has been claimed to result from exposure to Harry Potter books?

For the record, I am a Christian and I love HP!

Banangana · 24/08/2019 07:17

If she's a very religious then things like witchcraft may make her feel deeply uncomfortable. I'm as atheist as they come but I couldn't get worked up about this. Your son will not be harmed by the fact that granny doesn't share his enthusiasm for Harry Potter. So yes, you are expecting too much and are being a bit precious especially as you say she's a brilliant grandmother and your child adores her.

Banangana · 24/08/2019 07:20

And I say this as someone who read Harry Potter books to keep myself entertained during church services I was forced to attend by my own very religious mother.

silverystream · 24/08/2019 07:55

I think she's missed a trick in terms of letting the subject of Harry Potter and magic being the springboard into a conversation about the amazing and miraculous things present in our own world.Grin

Like how old some trees are and how a group of trees will keep another will dead tree alive. Or how we have more bacterial cells living on our body than we have human cells. The she could talk about some Faith related miracles and Bible archeology.

BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 07:57

What do you wish she didn’t say to your children, OP?

Original poster
Musicalstatues · 24/08/2019 08:31

@BertrandRussell things like when my eldest asked if men could marry men and women could marry women and she came out with a very sharp no they absolutely cannot. Now obviously to her they cannot and marriage is only between a man and a woman etc but that doesn’t change the fact that actually men CAN marry men etc plus this was right in front of me without giving me the chance to answer the question as I saw fit, I also feel it doesn’t respect how we are bringing them up.

To those saying I have to let it go, I know and as I said I usually do but for some reason this really did just get to me. Religion and the strength of my mums (and brothers) beliefs and lack of my own is obviously a big issue in our family.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 08:35

Hmm. Have you had a proper conversation with her about what she says to your children? Or with them about what she says? Because I think it’s definitely time you did. Your children need to know that she’s wrong.

Aderyn19 · 24/08/2019 08:38

I think it's barking to be scared of something that isn't even real! You can't make her he enthusiastic about HP but you can remind her that she will hurt her grandson's feelings if she is dismissive and you can most definitely stop her from making factually incorrect statements to your children.

I think I would talk to my kids and tell them that people have different beliefs - that granny thinks X but mummy has a different view etc

Original poster
Musicalstatues · 24/08/2019 09:10

Yes we did take about it at the time and she apologised for saying that although I’m pretty sure if she got asked the same question she’d give the same answer again!! It’s an instinctive reaction I think.

To the kids we just say that different people believe different things, grandma shares beliefs with a number of people but lots of people have other beliefs and some people have none at all! I don’t think they take what she says as gospel (and we only see her about once a month anyway due to distance) but obviously I want to be respectful of the fact that it is 100% what she believes though.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/08/2019 09:14

“bviously I want to be respectful of the fact that it is 100% what she believes though.”
You can be respectful of her. You do not have to be respectful of her beliefs. It’s fine to tell the children she is absolutely wrong on some things.

mostlydrinkstea · 24/08/2019 15:40

It sounds like the OP's mum is part of one of the conservative streams of Christianity. Some Christians think HP is a gateway to demonic possession. Most don't. I've been out to houses where weird stuff is kicking off and reading HP is not on my list of questions to ask.

Christians are still working out what equal marriage might look like in church church. Many say absolutely not. Some are conducting service such as the one on Songs of Praise last week and churches like mine will hold them as soon as it is legal to do so as we are C of E and bound by canon law whatever our personal view.

It is complicated. My dad has political views that are formed by the Daily Mail. I don't. He is still a great grandad.

Tiggles · 24/08/2019 18:51

My mum (Christian) wouldn't have an issue with Hp but just rubbish at interacting with the kids in that way. But guessing your mum normally ok. Could you point out that they all celebrate Christmas in HP? Always makes me chuckle.
As to the marriage thing, in many ways that is generational. Not exclusively before I start any arguments, I used to think was just older Christians until I met more elderly people outside the church with very similar views.

PurBal · 25/08/2019 09:20

I would say your mum being dismissive rather than preachy is the best you can expect from Christians who have problems with a novel like Harry Potter.