Any other athiests out there who had to grieve God and Jesus?

[Whitefishy]

Is it normal to go through a grieving process as an atheist who’s been brought up in religion? I’ve been an atheist for over ten years so it’s nothing new but I can’t seem to get over the fact that a really miss God and Jesus from my life. It’s as if they are family members who died.

I was brought up in an extremely strict and immersive religious household where every thing we did revolved around church. I was taught to believe that Jesus is like a big brother and that’s exactly how I felt about him as a child and teenager. I felt a lot of love for him, the same as for my actual brothers and more.

Does anyone else feel like this and is there anything that can be done about it like a magic switch I can press?

I’m wary of this post attracting people who want to save me. This is not the point of this thread. I do have a God shaped hole in my life unfortunately but it can’t be filled as I can’t force myself to believe. I wish it was a simple as that.

I'm afraid I can't relate. I was brought up in a less intense religious environment (standard C of E - christenings, school assemblies, etc), but did believe as a child. I lost my faith as I entered adulthood and started to think critically about religion for the first time, rather than just blindly accepting bible stories and so on. I've never felt the need to grieve, but it was never a huge part of my life.

I completely relate OP. I wasn't brough up religious but ended up in church youth groups and it all became a huge part of my life between about 14-20. Then at some point the curtain lifted and I lost that faith and it's been really hard.

Like you I don't want it back as I don't believe anymore. But I miss the assurance, the family and support of the church (my church was fantastic), the feeling of being bound together by a belief in something.

No I don't belief I see the problems in so many churches as well. The one my sister is still sort of is corrupt, judgemental and hypocritical. And is a massive 'forward thinking' church in a big northern city. So sad to see and realise

I’m a lapsed Catholic (actually I think I’m excommunicated ) and an atheist and I still believe that Jesus existed. Obviously I don’t think he was the son of god. But he had some great ideas.

I really miss parts of being a Catholic though. Mass (as boring as it was), the rituals, the stations of the cross, the smell of incense, Lent, Advent, all that stuff. It’s all tied up with that childhood sense that everything is ok and someone is watching over things and holding the fort. It’s pretty daunting to go from having that comfort to realising that everything is just random.

I agree. I loved the rhythm of church, and the rituals and calm. We had a wonderful reverend and felt really part of something.
Younger I lost my faith but never really felt the gap, life was so busy anyway. Now we are older I feel differently. Raising 4 DCs I find myself saying ' Jesus said', even though I've been clear to them that I see the Bible as stories (they can choose for themselves), and as people I love become ill and some die, I miss believing in heaven. It's a definite loss.

Brought up in it from birth and it's not my experience but I'm not convinced I was ever convinced anyway however hard I tried.

Whatever you feel is normal. I'm sorry it's affecting you, OP.

Thank you everyone for your replies! golden that sounds horrific what church are you with that you are so bound to in that way? There was a lot of slut shaming went on in my church too but I have managed to not carry that with me into adult life, I’ve been able to see it for what it was.

But I miss the assurance, the family and support of the church (my church was fantastic), the feeling of being bound together by a belief in something.

It’s all tied up with that childhood sense that everything is ok and someone is watching over things and holding the fort. It’s pretty daunting to go from having that comfort to realising that everything is just random.

^

These things exactly! The nostalgia really gets me too. And definitely miss the feeling of safety that a belief in a loving God gives you. I feel like the rug’s been pulled from underneath me a lot of the time. And yes I relate stuck I definitely feel the loss of believing in an afterlife! I think it does become more apparent when you have children, I think about death a lot more since having dc, I can’t say I really worried that much about it before. Now I feel like we’re all so fragile!

I also feel a lack of security in my own identity a lot of the time as so much of my identity throughout childhood was tied in with my religion.

I think from your responses it does seem to have more of an effect on you when you are totally steeped in it from a young age.

I think a lot of why I can’t get away from the grieving aspect of it all is because my family was also very musical. We all sang together for years in church and choirs etc. and so now I very often get these old hymns and songs stuck in my head and I should be thinking of nice happy memories, instead there’s a pang, almost like hearing someone’s funeral song, every time it pulls at my heart strings!

golden can I ask why you stay in the church if it’s making you so unhappy? Would you be cut off from family etc. if you left? It sounds like a nightmare situation that’s totally unsustainable. I can’t help thinking is it worth being this miserable?

It all sounds so strange. Why can’t you just tell them to do one?

That's very bizarre, Golden. Look at a cult checklist. If you can't leave and they control what music you listen to then it already sounds like s cult.

How can they control what music you listen to in your own home???

I can and do relate. I was brought up in a religious household and prayed everyday for my dad to live. He didn’t. I was 12. I didn’t just grieve my dad but the entire lying ideology and every shred of hope I’ve ever had that good people were rewarded. I still feel like this 25 years on.

I've been an atheist since I was in my early 20s, I'm 58 now and still somewhat miss or feel nostalgic for the church. Not for god though - the analogy I came up with was that it was like discovering your 'true love' was merely infatuation - and then that it was a fantasy.

As an ex JW I was deeply religious but have been atheist for 20+ years. I miss the comfort I see it brings to so many people. DM (never a JW) is dying of cancer. She knows when the time comes she will be reunited with my late DF and DB who died in his teens. I don't fear death but I wish I had that faith.

Read the bible.

God is a disgusting wrathful, angry geniocidal maniac.

You miss that?

Pickle that is so so sad, I’m sorry you had to go through that and that it’s still affecting you. I think religion can be a great comfort for people but then the problem is when you are disillusioned it can be very traumatic especially when it ties in with other trauma in your life.

Errol that’s a brilliant analogy! I’m definitely going to use that.

Haha yes God does come across as a bit of a maniac in the Bible but that was never the feeling I had for him. My God was loving and protective and had an eternal plan for me. So when he turned out to also be imaginary it was a bit of a let down.

had an eternal plan for me

Horrendous thought.

I do recognise this. I think like any loss it waxes and wanes - you're going to feel it more when you lose a family member you were close to in childhood - because it sounds a little as if you are grieving for youth/childhood rather than religion exactly?

I find a good corrective is conversations with other family members, and, oddly, novels - particularly those describing lives in other religions.

I also find the occasional attendance at church reminds me why I left!!

speakout that made me laugh.

Thanks for your reply temp. I probably do just need to accept that is like any other grieving process.

It’s really helpful to know other people feel this way and it’s not just me! The church I was part of is more of a whole lifestyle than a religion, and so other former church-going people I know in real life can’t really relate to what I’m feeling. My DH was brought up Christian but says he never felt any kind of extreme love for God so he also never felt any grief at realising he didn’t exist!

I miss free will, purpose and hope.

But better a horrible truth than a comforting lie.

Yes,I grieve for my lost faith.
It felt/ feels like the loss of one of my oldest friendships - not hypothetically but actually - it was as big a loss as losing my friends I'd known since we were 11ish,which happened at about the same time.
And for me it wasn't losing the church structures and life,as I'm introvert and not very social,I always found that part of things really difficult and it was a relief not to be having to do it anymore
But I do/ did feel the loss of God - and my God wasn't a wrathful angry genocidal maniac! Actually,yes - you can find him I'm the bible but why would so many people belief in a loving God if he wasn't there as well?

Sad isn’t it infinitecurve? I know exactly what you mean.

Meph while I agree in theory I do sometimes think the comforting lie would be a lot nicer . It would be a lot easier if we weren’t told the lie in the first place then it wouldn’t feel like your world being turned upside down! Although I don’t blame my parents for that, they were just doing what they thought was best for us. I do actually wish I still believed in a way. But I’m just far too pragmatic for anything like that now.