What do/did you teach your child if you have doubts?

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Luckily DS is still too young (20m) to understand, but:

I was born and raised in a country with a strong Catholic culture. Learned my prayers very early, went to church every Sunday, did my Holy Communion, confirmation etc.

During the early teenage years religion gave me some comfort, but later on I detached myself. Got a degree and PhD in hard sciences and became very much the "I want to see first" type. DH followed exactly the same path.

But we got married in church, because somehow we feel guilty of this and thought it was the right thing to do.

I really would like to provide DS in his childhood with the same comfort I had, give him a positive explanation of negative events, death etc, but how can I get him to follow this path if we don't lead by example?

You can’t. Why would you want your child to believe stuff you have realised is all lies?

My daughter is about the same age and I think about this a lot. I'm agnostic and imagine that conversations we'll have will go something like 'we don't know what happens when we die, but some people believe this and some people believe that' and tell her things she may be able to seek comfort from. There'll be plenty of time as she grows into an adult to form her own conclusions about her beliefs. Life, death, the universe are awfully big concepts for an adult let alone a tiny one.

Yes I'm also imagining something along the line of "some people believe".

Point is, I'm an adult and find it painful not having an explanation for many things, being terrified by death etc. I would rather do something to spare this feeling to my child for as long as possible, but just don't know if it's actually possible.

There are no questions that religion can give any proper answers to. It’s all just made-up by people a long time ago, who didn’t understand things themselves.

Is it not better to just be honest? Is it just death that you are terrified by?

What kind of comfort is it that you want to give your DS?

I’m an atheist and I use the ‘some people believe’ line. My children constantly tell me i am WRONG which is fine. For them everything is black and white. At school they learn about all sorts of religions and I certainly believe Christian values are important.

My mother was quite old when my children were born. They had a very close relationship and I realized that she was very gently preparing them for her death for a long time before she actually died. She talked about the cycle of life, of birth and death and memories and the long line of people who all went to make up the person they were, and the people in the future that they would help to make. It was part of their day to day conversation.

Sorry, pressed send too soon. We read this, by Brian Cox at her funeral “Our story is the story of the Universe. Every piece of everyone and everything you love, of everything you hate, of everything you hold precious was assembled in the first few minutes of the life of the Universe, and transformed in the hearts of stars, or created in their fiery deaths. When you die, those pieces will be returned to the Universe in the endless cycle of death and rebirth. What a wonderful thing to be part of that Universe. And what a story. What a majestic story!"

@NabooThatsWho it's mainly death yes and I wouldn't minimise it too much. I struggle to accept it now and it would be way easier if I could be convinced that being good in life will earn you the paradise.

What I can see instead, is that many "bad" people get an easier life, and when it all ends there is just ashes. It's really a huge problem for me.

@FattyFatCakes yes values are also important. The world would be definitely a better place if people could all follow the advice of looking after other people instead of harming them. That's another very good point.

If you dont plant the seed he will have no basis for faith. Is he baptised?

I was similar to you. Would have said i was culturally Catholic spiritually agnostic. I wanted my children to have the same cultural background as I do. I also didn't want to raise them godless. It didn't seem right. So we baptised and sent them to our lovely Catholic school. I stayed out of the religious side apart from taking them to a children's church group once a month, so no going to Catholic mass.

Ds now doing first holy communion so I take him to church. Its helped me to come back to belief.

For the first few months I felt guilty and uncomfortable, wondered what I was doing but liked it that ds was so accepting and looking forward to doing his sacraments with his friends. I enjoyed mass myself, it was a strong link back to my childhood and time to think about others. I have been praying for a sick friend who has months to live, (there is no more hope for him except in God). I wanted to attend communion and couldn't as my faith was so fractured and I couldn't say I truly believed.

What changed recently was ds did his first confession and it prompted me to talk to the priest about my worries. He suggested i prayed to God to help me with my unbelief. A silly concept to some but it helped!

I examined my conscience and after a few more (tearful) chats with our priest I recently went to confession. It was hard but a massive relief. I threw all my faith issues at the cross and Mary on the wall. I also worked through my sins. It took about an hour face to face with the priest. Pretty much the best thing to happen to me for a long long long time.

I am so much more settled now and describe myself as a Catholic revert. I believe again and am going to communion (school do lent mass which ive always avoided and now have enjoyed going as well as on sundays).

My advice to you would be to explore your own faith again with your child. Start slowly, do what you feel comfortable with but also push past that discomfort sometimes for your sons sake.

There have been times when something hasn't sat right with my agnosticism but I seem to have gone with it anyway. I feel like I have been gradually then suddenly guided back to faith. I think you need to be open to it. Faith is more than a source of comfort, spirituality is another aspect to our lives and an experience to explore. There's a pervasive cynicism in the world today and unbelief is the default setting. Pushing against that is hard, as is following a religion in thought and deed.

I am still working through it. I hope for you and your family's sake that you can start your own journey in faith.

@BertrandRussell that's lovely. Maybe this could be a not so hurtful line without being a lie.

Some people believe like uncle x, some people aren't sure, like daddy and some people like me don't believe at all. It's up to you what you choose to believe.

It gives a balanced view and tells them they aren't wrong whatever they choose.

Both mine are non believers.

@ZenNudist interesting story. I have never thought of talking of this with a priest as I'm really ashamed. I guess it's also a matter of finding one who is understanding enough.

Btw yes he's baptised, exactly because we wanted to give him the opportunity.

I was brought up 'non-religious'. DM was Salvation Army and DF was a
Presbyterian but neither practiced. If I had a question they'd answer in terms of what they believed (which I don't think they really knew). I then got myself baptised Anglican in my 30s after I made my own mind up as to what I believed. I'd like to do the same for my DCs.
When they ask questions I'll answer with 'some people believe a, and some people believe b'. Occasionally they'll ask what I believe, but not too often.

@Mememeplease you're technically right - I just struggle to reconcile this with my cultural background where still in these days it's rare to find a non-indoctrinated child. A former uni colleague of mine de-baptised herself and never baptised her children and she has attracted all sorts of comments!

Do you plan on sending him to Catholic school? That would be a good place to start. Take the pressure off you and give you all a place in the community to allow you to explore faith.

When I baptised them Catholic sending them to Catholic school was my own way of fulfilling promise to raise them Catholic as I didn't feel capable myself.

What do your wider family believe?

One ofsted "good" Catholic school is in my catchment so that might be an option.

It would actually be a great idea to talk to my mum, as my parents delegated this to nan (nan used to take me to church and to Saturday classes for Communion/Confirmation) and they managed to never been questioned by me about themselves (but I was extremely quiet ). I remember never having the courage to question my dad, while actually I once asked my mum and she said that her faith was not strong enough to go to church every week, but that she did speak to God intimately, and wanted me to be better than her

My husband is catholic and our kids were baptised but I am agnostic. Nobody in my house actually goes to church although I have often made the point to DH that if to go to the bother or baptising then he should really make the effort to turn up at church now and again.....Anyway, if mine (they are still very little) ask me about death / god / Jesus / heaven etc then I tell them the general rule I follow is to tell them stuff that aligns with what DH would say. Yes Jesus existed, God is his father / when you die you go to heaven (we have had a few recent family deaths and this has helped) etc). If the questions get to detailed I say ‘ask your dad’ as he honestly knows more about it than me . I don’t see anything wrong with giving them some comfort / telling them the stories that we all learnt as children about Christmas and Easter etc even if there are large parts that I don’t believe myself. To tell them ‘God isn’t real’ is no different to telling them that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real (IMO) and most would say it cruel to tell your kids that Santa doesn’t exist!

Sorry - half asleep and badly typed

How about not forcing or trying to control a point of view on the child at all and let them be. Yes you will teach by the way you are, this can work either way though, sometimes in way you least expect.

The key is to be

“To tell them ‘God isn’t real’ is no different to telling them that Santa and the Tooth Fairy aren’t real (IMO) and most would say it cruel to tell your kids that Santa doesn’t exist!”

Just to warn you, Christians get very cross if you equate God with Father Christmas or the Tooth Fairy.

@onthebonnybonnybanks you got my exact point on what I mean about comfort ! Sorry English isn't my first language so probably in a couple of years time I'll be too busy learning phonics myself to help DS rather than worry about his faith

Btw yes, yours is a similar scenario to the one I experienced (your child has daddy, I had nan to "know it better"). DS has no one so that would be harder!

@BertrandRussell I don't think it's a matter of equating Jesus to Santa in their own value, rather of removing a comfort figure.

@Vitalogy I'm just scared of DS's potential questions he's really strong willed so it won't be easy to satisfy him. Luckily his language is still not developed due to bilingualism so I still have some time

I'm just scared of DS's potential questions

Why would you be scared of questions? Nobody has all the answers, and that is OK!

But I think it’s wrong to indoctrinate a child into a religion (that you don’t even believe in yourself) just so that you can hope to give him some kind of comfort.

Again, why not just be honest?

Death is a natural part of life. We are born, we live, we die. There is no escaping it. Enjoying life and making the most of it is what is important.