Taking a toddler to church

[BoppyBlippyBoo]

NC as potentially outing.
Really struggling with church at the moment and it all came to a head today when I had to walk out mid service. I have a very active 18 month old son who is constantly loud and on the go, but generally well behaved (well as well as 18 month olds can be). It feels like services are a constant battle at the moment trying to get my son to sit down and be quiet and I am forever chasing him around and making a fool of myself. I bring snacks and toys with us for him to play with but he doesn't like not being able to get up and walk around.

Our church has a foyer where the service is relayed so that you can take your children out if they need to run around. The problem is though, that due to the fact this is where youth church happens in order for the young people to hear what they're doing for their activity the volume of the service has to be turned right down low. My son is too young, I feel, to be left with the bigger children as a lot of the activity involves them sitting and listening something which he isn't capable of doing for long periods of time. This means I effectively miss out on the sermon.

Due to the fact my DH works shift work, he often isn't able to make it to church on a Sunday and when he is there, he normally serves the church so isn't able to help with my son. Due to this I've not listened to a whole service in at least 6 months, but probably even more. I'm really missing out spiritually and I'm feeling very alone.

Today, once again he was very active and loud, running up and down, trying to pull books off the book shelf etc. so I made the decision to take him in to the foyer so he didn't disturb others. I was very visibly frazzled at this point. When we went out he continued to charge around completely hyperactive due to being too tired, disturbing other children and stopping me being able to hear any of the sermon. After about 10 minutes I decided that I just couldn't carry on trying to battle him by myself, so we came back in to church to grab my things and leave.

There were many judgemental stares and not one offer of help or support, despite me being clearly struggling. I'm home now, feeling awful, and feeling really distant from God.

I don't know why I bother going to church on a Sunday anymore. How do people manage with small children at church?

Soft play may be a better option.

Are there any other people with toddlers preschoolers ? If there are you could take turns to do an activity with the children.
Otherwise my church is completely open to toddlers and there are often little ones running around. We have a corner at the back in church with some books, paper and crayons and some quiet games aimed at toddlers for parents to sit and do with children whilst listening to the service. That said I try and go once a month to the early service do I can concentrate fully not looking after children.

Also I would tell your husband how you feel as I take it from your post that church is important to you both and he may need to not serve at church sometimes to give you an opportunity to be involved

If my church was judgemental I really would question whether I want to be part of it.

Sorry you're having a tough time. Would have been nice to have some support from the other people there too.

Is there anywhere you can get to where you can both have a nice walk/run about? I think you would both get so much more from being out in nature. Until your son is old enough to sit better. Your son can burn his excess energy off as well.

Apart from a church with a creche or someone to babysit I can't see an alternative atm.

I’m sorry but I think a church is the congregation and people need to take responsibility for changing the ‘churches’ views and being open to children. I’m not talking about kids being allowed to do what ever they want in church but the recognition that an 18 month will want to walk around and also this 18 mth old is the future congregation

GoldenEvilHoor Wouldn't it be more productive to sort creche facilities.

sounds like you dont have the right church i was surprised when i moved.I thought all churches were the same as the one i grew up in but nope.The one i grew up had a special child friendly mass there were loads of baby's and kids.If a child ran up to the priest he would smile and talk to them. Because it was relaxed it gave parents time to teach their kids how to behave in church without fear of upsetting anyone.As it was the child friendly mass people expected babbling kids.

But when i moved to a new church we were expected to take them to the foyer .I hated it and so glad i moved again to another town.

I found another church not as child friendly as the first one but completely understanding .They had a child friendly mass to were people were expected to bring babys.

Fair enough GoldenEvilHoor

Please talk to the vicar/minister and see what they suggest. They may be able to address the judgemental stares by saying something from the front about what welcoming children and families really means. I've blessed the congregation at the end of the service whilst holding one of our noisy toddlers and this really does make the point that children are welcome.

If they can't suggest anything then it may be time to look for another church. There are plenty that do welcome children and realise that toddlers make a noise.

I remember this stage with my kids and we did decide to have a crèche and take turns with helping out. Is there a space where that could happen. I would persevere and then maybe try to get to a home group during the week or listen to a podcast sermon. It is a tough time but good to get kids into routine of church on Sunday. I agree with suggestion of talking to vicar re solutions as it would be lovely if some of the older people could help out to give younger exhausted parents a break!

Talk to either the Presbyter or the LEaders of the Junior Church activities to see if there might be a possibility of setting up a creche. Win win. In our Church you'll find lots of people with grown up children will go on the rota, as they remember what it was like, and they are all happy to take a turn once every couple of months.

Your DH needs to stop serving sometimes and look after DC so you can participate in the service properly. But could you also speak to the priest / vicar and explain that it not possible to hear the service from the foyer - make them aware so that they can sort the problem. If they don't know they can't help.

Could you use a babysitter?

My DD is a student child nurse- her fellow students would be happy to do a few hours paid babysitting on a Sunday morning. They are always looking for work.

When my DC were babies I attended a church with a crèche. The old ladies in the congregation practically fought to have a turn on the rota, as they loved cuddling the babies! It also took toddlers up to 3, after which they were welcomed into the Sunday school.
My present church doesn’t have a crèche, but babies and toddlers are welcome in the service and we have a toy box in one of the pews to help entertain them. The minister (female) is very good with the wee ones and always reassures visitors with babies, eg at christenings, that they should feel free to pop in and out as needed.
Churches vary, OP, but all genuinely Christian ones should welcome children. Maybe see if some of your congregation would be willing to set up a crèche rota with you? If you find seven nice old grans or fellow mums, plus you, that’s only one duty turn per two months.

My church has a Creche, a group for preschoolers, Reception and KS1, KS2, KS3 and then the KS4 kids tend to volunteer in the groups.
I help out once a month in Creche which is pretty common amongst the volunteers but some of the main group leaders are there every week to volunteer and then go to the evening service for their own chance to attend a service.
OP you could find a bigger church with lots of children's groups including a Creche, or a church that has a children's corner at the back rather than a space being used by other groups.

10am is children's mass at our church. Although they can't really run around but it's certainly not quiet!
Sometimes it's hard to even hear the priest but he doesn't mind and often says is nice to hear all the children's voices and be part of teaching the next generation.
There is a children's liturgy twice a month when preschool age and above can go and have a more child friendly liturgy and then they can go and sit on the alter and the priest has a chat with them.
I think having a specific service for the children is the best thing, everyone knows it's a bit noisy and chaotic so if anyone wants a quieter and more peaceful mass there are three other masses to choose from on a Sunday.

Sorry hadn't quite finished.
I was also about to add I have four dc and we did actually stop going as a family for a bit when my two youngest children were around 1 and 2 it was just too hard they used to get upset having to stay still and it used to end up with them crying and me not far behind!
I started taking the older two on my own we started going together again when youngest was 3.
Is there anyone that could watch him for you?
Or is there a later service when he's in bed and your husband is home?

Could you see the setup of a different church locally and see if that fits better? Personally our church has a Sunday school for the first half of the service (but for over 5s) and they’re in the attached church hall, but there’s also a small chapel with glass windows at the side of the church where the sound is piped in. Just because your current church doesn’t work for you doesn’t mean another won’t

Thank you to all of you who have given some really good advice.

A friend from church has actually spoken to my minister about how I had been struggling with attending church at the moment. He emailed me and the few other parents of small children in church today to ask what we thought of the church's current provision and what we could do to improve it. He suggested setting up a crèche rota might be a possibility if there's enough interest. If not they would certainly be looking at other ways to make service more accessible.
He admitted that it's been an area of church life that's been neglected due to the fact it's been a large number of years since there were any small children, and since I had my son several other families with younger babies have joined in quick succession.

It remains to be seen what changes will be made, but I was incredibly relieved for our difficulties to be recognised. He also reiterated how privileged as a church to have young families and that he gave us his full support.

In addition to this they're hoping to set up a parenting course to support us all too. So hopefully there's going to be a positive way forward.

That's great news

Definitely suggest asking the congregation at large if they would sign up to a creche rota, rather than it just being the parents of the little ones themselves - I bet there will be others who would be delighted to help.

That sounds really positive. I do hope that something can be worked out for you and the other parents of small children. In our church the children are accepted as children and are pretty much free to explore the sanctuary as they want during the worship.

They are welcome to stay in during the teaching as well but there is a children's group with games and teaching and a separate creche with a video link if parents prefer to take their children in there.

I always try to do all I can to support mums with young children. I was always on my own in church as my husband was usually playing the guitar or on the sound desk so I know how hard it is and many weeks I went home wondering why I bothered. Now the children are all grown up, the girls are all involved in Sunday school in the churches they attend and my son is in the worship group in the church that he and his wife belong to . It is so worth it.

Delighted to hear that, OP. Every church needs to engage the young generation or die. It’s always lovely to have the kids in church, with their enthusiasm and sometimes funny answers to the minister’s questions, and the annual nativity service that they perform is very touching.
I wish more parents were like you and brought their families along. It is always good for the youngsters to know that they are loved by God and have a welcome place in the wider church community, not just in their own home.

My local church has all kinds of activities for children. We attend a couple each week. When they are older I want them to join in the main service and go to Sunday school too.