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Original poster

Christian husband and porn

53 replies

RT1111 · 07/11/2018 10:28

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the light on beneath our en-suite door and DH wasn't in bed. Didn't hear any noise and felt suspicious (past behaviour explained below). Looked at his phone this morning and on the recently accesssed tabs there is a subreddit called something like 'SexyWomenInBoots' Sad. All the pictures had been viewed. I looked at a couple and the were nothing hardcore but definitely nudity and very suggestive.

Myself and DH are Christians and have been married five years. DH was a virgin when we met and we didn't sleep together until our wedding night. I found porn on his computer before we married and twice since. After the last time we put a filter on the internet and put it in my name so only I could lose the filter if that makes sense.

I just feel so disappointed and gutted.

The first time I found it on the PC he told me he was addicted. He was so so sorry and said he would stop blah blah blah. He obviously didn't. I think he tries but I think it is an addiction. However he has not seemed sorry the past times I have found it and more annoyed at me and impatient if I bring it up because I'm meant to have 'forgiven' him.

We have a 9 month old baby and tbh our sex life is OK at the moment. Since we moved DS into his own room it's been easier ut we have not had sex for about three weeks as I am waiting to have a coil fitted so don't want to risk pregnancy.

What do I do next? He tends to get angry if I bring stuff up like this and will turn it round on me e.g. 'why did you look at my phone?' 'we've not had sex for ages because YOU haven't got your coil yet and I needed to' etc. He would probably act all sorry and I forgive him and then he'll just cntinue to do it, trying to cover his tracks.

This is not a loving Christian relationsgip and I know it. He never offers to pray for me. We don't read the Bible together. He absolutely puts himself first before God, DS or me.

There is no way he would share this with a church leader or counsellor. He is embarrassed and ashamed (and rightly so I think) as am I. I have no idea.

Sorry it's so long.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 23/11/2018 19:47

"Any Christian should know he should not be wanking."

That really is not the case for many denominations.

Valanice1989 · 23/11/2018 20:05

Intercourse is between married men and women and is there to conceive children. Jesus teaches that explicitly.

Where in the Bible does Jesus say that? I used to be a Christian and I never heard that. I know infertile people who were allowed to get married in church.

TheJive · 23/11/2018 20:18

That goes against the way our body is made and functions. It just doesn't make sense.

Not everyone needs to masturbate. You may not have had any period in your adult life where you weren't sexually active, that is you, not everyone is like you.

That's your opinion and you are entitled to your opinion as are others.

I am allowed to live by my own moral code and I am entitled to share my understanding of the bible.

Sethis · 23/11/2018 20:24

Many people claim to be Christian when they aren't.

And who arbitrates that distinction?

Amazing you can reach the keyboard from way up there on your horse.

TheJive · 23/11/2018 20:26

🏇

PerverseConverse · 23/11/2018 20:38

So are Christians only allowed to have sex in the hopes of conceiving a child? Not for pleasure or to demonstrate love? All those nerve endings to make sex pleasurable yet not allowed to enjoy it unless for baby making? Why on earth would god create our bodies to experience such pleasure if we are not to enjoy it? Once you've had your family are you supposed to stop having sex? Or do you produce child after child until menopause? None of my RC upbringing covered this at all except no sex before marriage.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 20:45

Not everyone needs to masturbate. Of course not. But what if a person does need to. What good can come out of promoting this as being a shameful act.

You may not have had any period in your adult life where you weren't sexually active Again, of course. What if it was for an indefinite period for any number of reasons where sexual activity isn't available with another. Should someone feel repressed and shameful for masturbating.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 20:46

TheJive I can't make out what the emoji you posted is?

TheJive · 23/11/2018 21:00

Vitalogy

I made a choice to live by a certain moral code, I don't impose it on others.

A horse.

TheJive · 23/11/2018 21:02

PerverseConverse

So are Christians only allowed to have sex in the hopes of conceiving a child?

I didn't post about that, I believe within marriage, intercourse is about love.

PerverseConverse · 23/11/2018 21:05

TheJive I didn't say you did. It was RosieBenenden who said about sex being only for conceiving children.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 21:06

So are Christians only allowed to have sex in the hopes of conceiving a child? Exactly. And what about couples or anyone unable to have children, should they not participate in any sort of sexual activity for the whole of their adult life. Again makes no sense.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 21:13

I made a choice to live by a certain moral code Fine.

I don't impose it on others. Just sit in judgement of them.

TheJive · 23/11/2018 21:17

I am not giving an unsolicited opinion. I shared my understanding of Christianity. I don't know why you are specifically concentrating on my posts.

Have a nice evening.

Vitalogy · 23/11/2018 21:25

Because you're one of two posters trying to promote shame and oppression onto others. I thought we were having an exchange, a conversation.

Good evening to you too.

PerverseConverse · 23/11/2018 21:26

I always find a good seeing to relieves me of any crankiness that might otherwise make me rather rude to other people who express a different opinion to my own Grin

costacoffeecup · 23/11/2018 21:26

He doesn't sound like a Christian. He sounds like a gaslighting tit. Saying you can't look after your son is a low blow. It's easy to SAY you're a Christian but surely there should be some responsibility to act like one too.

Rachelover40 · 23/11/2018 21:36

You can forgive him, op, but that doesn't mean putting up with him watching porn, even soft porn. Also it can escalate - sexy women in boots one day and something more serious the next.

There are types of contraception other than the coil so why not use them in the meantime; plus you might find the coil doesn't suit you. Plus you can enjoy eachother's bodies without penetrative sex so not having sex for a fairly short time is no excuse for him.

He needs help but before that he must be prepared to speak frankly and listen to you.

I knew someone whose husband bought porn magazines and stored them. She put up with it. His porn habit escalated and eventually he started going to prostitutes. Of course I'm not saying that always happens but is worth bearing in mind. Don't put up with it.

Valanice1989 · 23/11/2018 21:44

RosieBenenden, do you think infertile people should be allowed to get married?

Conventicle · 04/12/2018 12:22

So are Christians only allowed to have sex in the hopes of conceiving a child? Not for pleasure or to demonstrate love? All those nerve endings to make sex pleasurable yet not allowed to enjoy it unless for baby making? Why on earth would god create our bodies to experience such pleasure if we are not to enjoy it? Once you've had your family are you supposed to stop having sex? Or do you produce child after child until menopause? None of my RC upbringing covered this at all except no sex before marriage.

The Catholic position is that you may not use 'artificial' contraception (apart from 'natural family planning methods' which essentially involve abstaining at fertile periods) at all, and that all sex must be open to the possibility of conception, however many children you have.

I'm surprised your RC education did not cover this. Mine certainly did, ad nauseam.

But as the OP and her husband aren't Catholic, it is irrelevant.

noego · 05/12/2018 15:00

Sexual feelings - we all have them
Sexual mind - we all have them (please don't deny)
Sexual organs = we all have them
Hands = we all have them (mostly)

We have attractions for the opposite sex/same sex (see sexual mind)

Having sex and masturbating seems like the most natural thing to do and use the attributes given me. Whether solo, jointly or mutual.

YolandaDavis · 19/12/2018 05:50

Perhaps what you need to do is become what he wants. Be a 'Sexy Woman in Boots' as you say.

erykahb · 19/12/2018 06:04

Just let the poor guy watch porn & wank in peace

If you aren't having sex he needs a release, he isn't hurting you

PixieCutRegret · 19/12/2018 06:29

*Just let the poor guy watch porn & wank in peace

If you aren't having sex he needs a release, he isn't hurting you*

This, it wasn't even porn, it was some moderately sexual pictures. Putting limits on the internet and looking at his phone is a massive invasion of his privacy and is quite controlling. If his faith has lapsed then you can't force him to become faithful again, if you don't feel like you can be married to someone who doesn't share your religious beliefs then it's on you to leave.

NerrSnerr · 19/12/2018 06:39

Intercourse is between married men and women and is there to conceive children. Jesus teaches that explicitly.

So the OP shouldn't be getting the coil then?

It sounds like he looked at some sexy pictures, not 'porn'. If someone fancies a wank they should be allowed to do what they want with their own body. Would many churches say wanking is a sin?

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