Christian and Athiest in a relationship

[DrCorday]

I have NC as worried DH may recognise me.

I’m a Christian, DH is an atheist.

My journey to my faith has been over a 4-5 year period (well more like 30 odd years but that’s a longer story) and resulted in my baptism last year which was amazing. DH didn’t come and I didn’t mind that, it was a celebration for me and my church family.

My faith wasn’t really questioned prior to marrying now DH a couple of years ago, and we both agreed it wouldn’t impact on ‘us’ but I suppose since then, my faith has grown. I attend church weekly and now part of the worship team too.

I feel I’ve made a promise to both my DH and to God which I can’t fulfil. I’m committed to my faith but also committed to DH.

DH believes I’m a fool for what I believe in and thinks I’ve been hoodwinked and am now part of an institution that covers up serious faults etc etc I can’t argue with that (and have never tried to defend the news headlines). I bring it back to my belief in God, and my experiences and that’s all I have to give to him. I can’t justify the horrific things some members of the clergy have done but the argument(s) always come back to this.

My relationship is under strain because of my beliefs. I love DH so so much and I love God too. Can I have both?

I’m really struggling now. I’m praying every day for him to find God and for his heart to soften.

I would love for him to be a Christian but I’m also ok that he isn’t. It’s who he is and I don’t want to change him. But I’m also sad by it all. It is so hard.

I feel like I’m living this lie to everyone. My church family know bits of what is going on and their advice is to pray for him; but my friends and family don’t know the extent that my relationship is now suffering.

Something happened yesterday and it resulted in him saying ‘well go off and find a Christian bloke to pray with’. It was uncalled for and hurtful and I later told him this too. No apology but admittance that he believes I want a Christian for a husband. I disagreed and said it would be lovely if he was Christian but he is who he is and I’m not looking to change him. I was perhaps harsh with my words but I said, if you’re trying to push me away, you’re doing a good job. I’m now regretting saying that.

Now I’m questioning what he’s said. Everything would be easier if he was a Christian but I’m not going to run off and leave him, I value our marriage. I got the impression he doesn’t value our marriage though - why would he say it otherwise?

I’m not sure what I’m posting for. Anyone with an atheist as a partner? Have you been the atheist and converted to Christianity?

Any advice?

Don't have any advice other than sympathy as it sounds very tough. As an atheist, I personally couldn't have a relationship with someone who was religious as to me it's too fundamental of a disagreement.
I also can't comprehend when people commit to god over another human, for me that's not ok for a relationship so I couldn't get on board with that.
Hope you manage to figure it out, but I certainly wouldn't try to push him towards religion.

Thanks for posting @RoryHatesCoffee

For the record, I’ve never pushed my faith on to him. I’m not controlled by my faith - it doesn’t restrict anything we do together. If I miss Church, I miss it and it’s no big deal for me.

This bit you’ve said I personally couldn't have a relationship with someone who was religious as to me it's too fundamental of a disagreement

We’ve been together over 15 years. Are you saying you’d throw that away because our beliefs differ?

That's an interesting question, and a hard one.

My husband and I have been together 10 years so not as long but lengthy enough for me to consider in the same way I think. If he became religious now it would completely baffle me, and I'd feel like I didn't know him anymore. I would question everything about us and our relationship and as much as I would try, I don't think I could deal with it.

I accept though that religion isn't as big a deal for most people. For me, religion would be a deal breaker from the start, so we are both very firm in our atheism and it's a fundamental part of our shared values. For most people it probably isn't, and so would be easier to manage a relationship where these values weren't so aligned.

I'm in a similar situation to you although my husband isn't as atheist. He's more of a non believer. I'll post more a bit later when I've got some time but just wanted you to know you're not alone x

That makes sense.

I suppose we never really stood firm in what we both believed in earlier in our relationship. He knew I had a CofE background. My family are Christians (but not the devout kind) and I knew he wasn’t. We fell in love and within 4 years we started IVF to have our daughter. It was at this point my faith developed. He believed it was science and I believed it wasn’t.

I have changed. We both know that. I think for the better but he obviously doesn’t think that way. And then it makes me sad that he wants to potentially give up on us

Thanks @AmazingGrace16 x

It sounds like he was frustrated and said it because of this, I wouldn't take that to mean he actually wants to end the marriage.

I personally see religion as a cult, so I would share the opinion that you've been hoodwinked and I'd feel really sad that somebody I love had changed their values and was potentially seeing 'god' as more important than their family, which to me is the only thing that matters.

I don't mean that to be disrespectful in the way that I'm aware it sounds, just trying to demonstrate why your husband could be frustrated with the situation- I am an extreme case though so he probably doesn't see it as strongly as I would, just trying to think out loud really.

Can you not sit down and have a a really thorough chat and find out what he's upset about the most?

You both need to be respectful of each other's beliefs and it doesn't sound as if either of you are at the moment. He shouldn't be telling you you've been hoodwinked (I am an atheist but I don't think people of faith have been tricked, I think most of them sincerely believe something and some of them use their beliefs as a reason to do good in the world). But you shouldn't be praying that he'll become a Christian either. You say you're not looking to change him so why are you praying for this every day?

It would be easier for each of you if the other shared the same perspective, and I hope you realise that yours isn't more valid than his merely because it comes dressed up in mysticism.

Other than disagreeing about whether faith is real, how does your difference of opinion affect your relationship in practical ways? Does he resent the amount of time the church is taking up? Do you talk about things that aren't about religion? (I'm sure you do, it's just it's not clear from your post what the actual problem is, except the two of you finding a way to communicate that doesn't rely on both having the same belief).

Is your church family pressuring you? It doesn't sound like they are. Presumably if he was Jewish or a Muslim it would be okay and you wouldn't be trying to convert him - his beliefs are just as sincere as yours. He might want to look into Humanism if he wants to feel part of a 'club' of atheists!

I don't think he's right to attack you over the failings of churches, even though I see this as very significant in the discussion about the amount of power churches have and how that power has corrupted institutions from the core message of their founder. I assume that if you were ever to witness anyone from your church engaging in abusive behaviour, or trying to excuse the very grave failings of the past, you would speak out.

Why would it be easier if he was a Christian? Having the same beliefs certainly doesn’t make it easier ...
Religion aside ... if you love pink but he hates it, what would be the compromise?
On a personal level, my absolute hate is when Christian friends say they will pray for me .... it is well meant but you have to decide where the deal breaking line is ...

I am a non-believer, in a relationship with a deeply committed Christian man

We live in NI, he's part of a very traditional church and his views play a big part of our relationship. No sex before marriage and he disagrees with me drinking alcohol

It has nearly destroyed me. Only I love him too much to let him go. I know he prays for me to be saved, he firmly believes that I will some day..

I'm no help, sorry

You’re OK that’s he’s not a Christian, yet you’re also praying he’s going to find God? You’re clearly not that OK with him being non-Christian...
Also, marriage is going to mean something different to you than it is to him, as you’re a believer.

It doesn’t sound like a very compatible relationship on the surface. Merely praying for him probably won’t work I’m afraid.

This comes down to respect.

On both sides.

My DH is an atheist. I’m a practicing Christian.

We have an extremely happy marriage but we did discuss the ramifications of our different beliefs before we got married.

I’m not sure why you think that your marriage would be “easier” if he was a Christian? That’s a thought that’s never occurred to me and DH and I have been married for 20 years.

In terms of our marriage these are the things we agreed on before we got engaged:

*Being married by a minister was very important to me.

I was happy to compromise on location (or not in a church) if necessary but didn’t want a civil service.

After discussion and him meeting our minister (a very nice sensible person) we married in my home church.

*Raising our children within the church.

Our agreement is that I take the children to church and Sunday School each week but they are brought up with the full knowledge that not everyone believes in God and that Daddy is one of those people. They have never, and will never be forced to go.

*Tithing

We have completely joint finances and agree in advance how much family money goes into the collection plate as part of our budget discussions.

He’s respectful of my beliefs even though he doesn’t share them and I would never try to convert him. He occasionally comes to church with us (eg to see the kids in the Nativity or if they are reading in church) and we occasionally miss church to attend something important to him.

No one in my church thinks it’s odd that he doesn’t attend or even asks about it, they are always very nice if he attends.

In turn DH always greets the elder warmly when he visits and is very grateful for the support the church provided me when I was pregnant and not very well.

This doesn’t have to be a tug of wills. You don’t have to agree on everything. You just need to respect each other.

I am a Christian married to an atheist.

It isn't always easy but we agree to differ.

I have certainly not been as involved in my church community as I would have been but it has not diminished my faith. I just have to live it in different ways to those who are able to be fully involved in church activities.

Dh really doesn't understand my faith, but accepts me as I am - I was a Christian when we met. He decided he could live with it/me!

No amazing advice to offer, just to say that it is possible. We have been married for over 20 years now, and muddle along in our own way.

HTH

Yes respect on both sides. It might be worth talking to a counsellor as religion or the lack of it might be the flash point but not the underlying cause. Have you been able to talk together about difficult stuff before the difference in faith came up?

I am in a similar position. When we married my dh said he did have a faith but did not attend church much. Now he doesn't and is quite disparaging about my beliefs though is quite happy for me to attend church etc. I don't attend church on a Sunday very often due to dcs sporting commitments but we go to messy church when my work permits and I attend during the week when possible. It will be difficult for me soon as eldest dc is not keen on coming and I won't force him.

One of my parents is a Christian and the other isn’t. They’ve been married over 40 years and it seems to work successfully. They respect each other, as described by a pp who is a Christian married to an atheist.

You don’t really sound like you do respect his beliefs: you’re praying for him every day to become a Christian. How would you feel if you found out he’s hoping every day you lose your faith? You’re the one who’s changed, not him, but you’re expecting him to change with you.

I used to work with a woman whose husband became a born again Christian. She found it very hard - it fundamentally changed him in so many ways and she was at that time searching for God as a way they could continue together. We don’t work together anymore but we’re ‘Facebook friends’ and I can see they’re both very committed to the church now and their children attend what I would see as a ‘hard line’ Christian school (not just the local CofE school). I hope she’s happy but there’s a part of me that wonders if she’s compromised a big part of herself (or the person I worked with anyway) to make her marriage work.

I'm a Christian married to agnostic - has always been the case all through our relationship which I think makes it easier than if things change partway through.

I find it quite sad that your DH didn't come to your baptism - DH comes to things like that or if DC are involved or to more social things like a funday or quiz night. I always think it's like I might go to a work social or golf prize giving - supporting you in your interests without actually wanting to take part myself.

Unlike a PP I absolutely think it's ok to want him to be a Christian and pray for him - after all that is what we want for everyone and is part of Jesus' Great Commission. I certainly want that for DH. But given the alternative of DH as non-Christian or someone else who is a Christian, I choose DH. I wouldn't have married him otherwise!

That doesn't though mean I don't sometimes think "it would be easier if DH shared my beliefs" - I am very involved in my church but do sometimes have to think eg "been out doing church things three times this week, better not do x as well".

If it's causing an atmosphere then I think you need to talk it through - particularly with DC involved as you need to agree on how they can be involved in church activities whilst respecting your DH's views.

I personally couldn't have a relationship with someone who was religious as to me it's too fundamental of a disagreement

I agree.

after all that is what we want for everyone and is part of Jesus' Great Commission

Illustrates well why religion pisses many people off.

I think there are a lot of unfair posts on here.

So as mentioned my story is similar to yours in that my DH is a non believer and I'm one of those "happy clappy Christians" as he phrases it. I think the difference is I became a Christian 2 years ago and we were already married. I can imagine it must've been very hard for him to adjust. He did however come to my baptism but he won't talk about religion with me. I pray for him every day that he will come to know Jesus. Exactly like you have said I would not change him as a person for the world but to have my life partner know the love of Jesus would be amazing!!! I want him to feel the Holy Spirit and to feel the amazing things that I have felt! I do continue to pray for him as I believe one day he totally will just meet with the Lord :)
Equally I know the feeling of wishing I had a Christian husband. It's such a tricky situation but the only thing I think you can do is to hand it over to God. After all...God is far wiser than any of us and he has a plan for the pairing of the two of you!!

We have a few rules in our relationship in that we are not rude to each other about our beliefs. I would find it very hard if he belittled me because I'm a Christian and scoffed at religion openly. He doesn't do that.

Keep praying and pray for wisdom in how to open up the conversation with your dh about setting some boundaries so you both feel safe in your beliefs.

Sorry my formatting didn't work in my post so paragraphs are missing!

I’ll try and respond to some of you:

I personally see religion as a cult, so I would share the opinion that you've been hoodwinked and I'd feel really sad that somebody I love had changed their values and was potentially seeing 'god' as more important than their family, which to me is the only thing that matters

This is what he believes. You’ve summed it up.

I’m not sure why you think that your marriage would be “easier” if he was a Christian?

I suppose I would like to do more for our community (through the church) but don’t because it would mean less time with DH which is limited anyway. I also would love to talk to him about things I read and experience but don’t do this because he isn’t a Christian so it isn’t an interest to him. I can talk to other people, and we share other interests but it feels this is the one aspect we don’t talk about.

Other than disagreeing about whether faith is real, how does your difference of opinion affect your relationship in practical ways? Does he resent the amount of time the church is taking up? Do you talk about things that aren't about religion? (I'm sure you do, it's just it's not clear from your post what the actual problem is, except the two of you finding a way to communicate that doesn't rely on both having the same belief)

He doesn’t resent the time spent at church as it really isn’t much time. I don’t talk about it unless he asks and we talk about tons of other things so perhaps written down in black and white has only given a snippet of the situation. I’m worried (perhaps he isn’t) about our relationship and that we’re going in different directions.

You don’t really sound like you do respect his beliefs: you’re praying for him every day to become a Christian. How would you feel if you found out he’s hoping every day you lose your faith? You’re the one who’s changed, not him, but you’re expecting him to change with you

I can’t respect his “belief” that I’m a fool. I respect he doesn’t have a belief in God; that is who he is. My changes are for the better - I’m less anxious, calmer, kinder, more compassionate, I compromise more and I always think and put my DH first. My faith takes place behind the scenes. And whilst I would love if he was a Christian (as above, so that I can share this experience with him) it doesn’t matter if he isn’t. Of course my belief is that we won’t be together beyond death (obviously to non believers this is hard to comprehend, but it is making me sad that he won’t have eternal life).

I find it quite sad that your DH didn't come to your baptism

It would have been nice if he was there but I didn’t want to force him. I asked him and he declined and that was that. I put the baptism off for 2 years as I didn’t want to cause upset in our relationship.

If it's causing an atmosphere then I think you need to talk it through - particularly with DC involved as you need to agree on how they can be involved in church activities whilst respecting your DH's views

My dd is being brought up to understand both of our beliefs. She comes with me to church if she wants (normally each time) but knows she doesn’t have to. She says she believes in God but also asks DH questions about his beliefs and we’re both fine with that.

Illustrates well why religion pisses many people off.

I asked for opinions of people in similar situations to me. I have had more responses from atheists who are also married to atheists (which is fine, reading your opinions is useful to see the other side) but no one has pushed their religion on to anyone on this thread. Not sure what relevance your opinion on Christianity (or religion) has to my specific problem.

I can’t respect his “belief” that I’m a fool.
I don't think anyone has asked you to, have they? I don't think anyone is advocating a situation where he says "well you're a fool for believing in God" and you say "well you're a fool for not believing in God". No relationship can survive that level of polarity.

Both of you need to be respectful of the other's beliefs, particularly to model this kind of tolerance to your dd.

Perhaps his unkind outburst is because he is also worried that you are both going in different directions - it certainly sounds as if calm communication is needed.

hmmmmmmm

I almost married a devout Christian. I've been raised an atheist, but I go to church occasionally for the ritual & the singing & the beauties of the language of the Book of Common Prayer (no Good News Bibe talking-down-bible for me).

When I first met him, he was considering training for the clergy (his father was a vicar). After a celibate but passionate relationship for 5 years, he dumped me in a MOST unChristian-like manner. Basically very suddenly and for cruel reasons. He cited differences over religious belief. I suspect that he was/is gay and found that harder to admit. He treated me appallingly in the end, when I look back on it. At the time, I was very upset - we had made some kinds of future plans, but I also realised I'd had a lucky escape.

soooooo

If I were your husband, and read your posts here, I'd be very wary. I suspect you could be using your faith as a reason to pull back from not being able to deal with the complexities of life. It can all seem very simple in the Bible, particularly if you're in a church/congregation that edges towards the Evangelical.

I would have thought that a person of faith would have more respect for the humanity of their spouse, and also rather more humility about their own beliefs.

I think you need to do some very deep thinking. You are using God as a get out for admitting difficult things about yourself and your relationship.

And those of you who pray for others, think about what the Church says about spiritual pride. Casting out the Pharisees from the Temple and all that ...

It works for us. I'm a Christian and DP looks at it as as slightly odd and time-consuming hobby. He will sometimes tease me about spending time with my imaginary friend, but it's a friendly sort of teasing. It means that I'm not as involved in the community side of church as I might otherwise be, and I feel silly doing obvious prayer when he is around, but on the other hand, it means that going to church is precious time for myself in a way that it wouldn't be if it were a family activity.

I think he would probably feel differently if I'd changed dramatically, but I haven't, really.