Christian and Athiest in a relationship

[DrCorday]

I have NC as worried DH may recognise me.

I’m a Christian, DH is an atheist.

My journey to my faith has been over a 4-5 year period (well more like 30 odd years but that’s a longer story) and resulted in my baptism last year which was amazing. DH didn’t come and I didn’t mind that, it was a celebration for me and my church family.

My faith wasn’t really questioned prior to marrying now DH a couple of years ago, and we both agreed it wouldn’t impact on ‘us’ but I suppose since then, my faith has grown. I attend church weekly and now part of the worship team too.

I feel I’ve made a promise to both my DH and to God which I can’t fulfil. I’m committed to my faith but also committed to DH.

DH believes I’m a fool for what I believe in and thinks I’ve been hoodwinked and am now part of an institution that covers up serious faults etc etc I can’t argue with that (and have never tried to defend the news headlines). I bring it back to my belief in God, and my experiences and that’s all I have to give to him. I can’t justify the horrific things some members of the clergy have done but the argument(s) always come back to this.

My relationship is under strain because of my beliefs. I love DH so so much and I love God too. Can I have both?

I’m really struggling now. I’m praying every day for him to find God and for his heart to soften.

I would love for him to be a Christian but I’m also ok that he isn’t. It’s who he is and I don’t want to change him. But I’m also sad by it all. It is so hard.

I feel like I’m living this lie to everyone. My church family know bits of what is going on and their advice is to pray for him; but my friends and family don’t know the extent that my relationship is now suffering.

Something happened yesterday and it resulted in him saying ‘well go off and find a Christian bloke to pray with’. It was uncalled for and hurtful and I later told him this too. No apology but admittance that he believes I want a Christian for a husband. I disagreed and said it would be lovely if he was Christian but he is who he is and I’m not looking to change him. I was perhaps harsh with my words but I said, if you’re trying to push me away, you’re doing a good job. I’m now regretting saying that.

Now I’m questioning what he’s said. Everything would be easier if he was a Christian but I’m not going to run off and leave him, I value our marriage. I got the impression he doesn’t value our marriage though - why would he say it otherwise?

I’m not sure what I’m posting for. Anyone with an atheist as a partner? Have you been the atheist and converted to Christianity?

Any advice?

The leaders at my church became Christian after they were married for a number of years. She found her faith first, and he found his faith a number of years later. They gave up city jobs to found a church in another town. I know you can't really tell the state of someone's marriage, but they are now nearing retirement and seem very happy together! I don't really have any advice from a personal viewpoint, but thought I would share their story. Would it perhaps be worth having some relationship counselling so you can both communicate about this? Like another pp said, it might be that this is the focus but there is actually another underlying issue?

but it is making me sad that he won’t have eternal life

Please don’t dwell on this. We all have our own journey. And faith is just that, a journey, not a destination.

I believe that it’s incredibly arrogant of us to assume that we know what lies after death for any of us Christian or not.

Re community involvement, if you set aside the fact that this is religion and just look at it as an interest then this isn’t that unusual a problem.

Eg my DH does a hobby he loves and it’s pretty time consuming. I’m happy to support him doing something which makes him happy and he makes sure that we agree any increase in training time or out of the ordinary events. It’s a communication and negotiation issue really rather than a religious one.

Similarly the fact that he isn’t Christian isn’t necessarily the sticking point. I know a Christian couple where the DH spends far more time on church things than the wife and she sometimes has a grumble about the time involved.

Your marriage is important, it needs time too. If time is limited then you need to be honest about what you can commit to other things.

You need to talk about this stuff in a non emotional practical way just as you would if you wanted to devote time to marathon training or skydiving ()

I’m a Christian widow, with 2 adult daughters. One is Buddhist and one is atheist. They come to church with me when they visit on a Sunday, and are very fond of our two female ministers, who make them very welcome (as do the whole congregation in our little village church.)
I understand your longing for your DH to know the love and compassion of God, to be humbled by the sacrifice of Christ, and to be uplifted by the Holy Spirit. But these things cannot be forced - your DH has his own journey to faith, and it may take a different road to yours.
All you can do is lead by example- to show him what Christian love entails, to be a good role model for your religion, and to pray for him, as you are doing.
You may be able to encourage him to accompany you to church for major festivals, (even if he only comes for your sake and the social contact and fun initially), and let the atmosphere, the liturgy and the love work their magic.
I hope he eventually will find his faith, but don’t let his atheism drive you away or grind down your own faith by constant criticism and lack of understanding.
God bless both of you, and I hope your marriage is happy and long lasting.

I'm pretty much agnostic married to a Christian. He has NEVER to my knowledge prayed for my conversion. His family have openly mentioned doing this several times and the only thing it induces in me is rage.

Your husband is what he is - you are the one who has changed. You need figure out if your new social life within your church is so important that you can't accept your husband not being a part of that - and be honest with yourself. You are full of zeal of a born again Christian, and coming across as feeling like your husband isn't good enough now for the new you.

Thank you for all of your responses. Lots to consider and think about. It is difficult to describe in writing but this is a small part of our relationship that feels difficult; it is, overall a happy and fun relationship. I’m a big worrier and I suppose I posted for reassurance that I can be a Christian and DH can be an athiest, and it remain compatible. I truly believe we will grow old together (no one would put up with his quirkiness nor would he want to give up teasing and pranking me on a continuous basis ).

I’m concerned for my relationship and wanted guidance or advice on getting through this ‘rough patch’. I do appreciate that communication is key to this and whilst I could give many examples of a lack of communication on his part, I’m not doing that on a public forum. Communication is key and I have a habit of catastrophising things when they’re small (he knows this) so sometimes we’re on completely different pages as I’ve made it bigger than it actually is. With the religion discussion - he knows I’m not changing my faith and I know he won’t. We both love it each other and intend on moving through it. I suppose I look at the worse worst case scenario and he just takes one day at a time so doesn’t worry like I do.

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. Lots to think about.

You need to talk about this stuff in a non emotional practical way just as you would if you wanted to devote time to marathon training or skydiving

Thistle - this made me laugh. Only because one of us does both of these things We both have lots going on, some joint things, some individual, so we talk about the time and support we give each other for our hobbies. I understand what you’re saying and I suppose what I’ve got out of this thread is the need to talk (more). Thank you for your post.

All you can do is lead by example- to show him what Christian love entails, to be a good role model for your religion

Babdoc - I needed reminding of this. Thank you. I feel like I could work on this more at home. The situation (elephant in room type feeling) is making me anxious and so DH is seeing this side of me. The relaxed and content part of me eg when in difficult situations at work (stressful job) or whilst worshiping at church or speaking to friends in need, he doesn’t see at all. Thistle - we do this. We both have lots going on (including me outside of church) so we talk about the time and support we give each other. I understand what you’re saying and I suppose what I’ve got out of this thread is the need to talk, which is what we both need to work on (DH doesn’t share his feelings like I do). Thank you for your post. GBY.

You need figure out if your new social life within your church is so important that you can't accept your husband not being a part of that - and be honest with yourself. You are full of zeal of a born again Christian, and coming across as feeling like your husband isn't good enough now for the new you.

Not sure where you have taken this from my posts? My DH is amazing. There is one aspect that doesn’t match, and we don’t agree on - I have a faith and he doesn’t. That doesn’t make him not good enough for me (he used those words about going off to pray with someone, not me, which has made me question his actual meaning behind this) and it doesn’t make me ‘full of zeal of a born again Christian’. This faith isn’t new. I’ve always been a Christian but approx 5 years old started going back to Church (I’m being vague on purpose as this is a public forum). I have no other social life with Church other than Sunday morning and occasional meet up for worship group. It takes up very little of my time in comparison to his time for his hobbies and he likes the tv remote to himself when I’m out so there is no issue with my church social life causing him issues.

@AmazingGrace16 thank you for posting (sorry crossed posts so missed you out). Some similar feelings between us. Will PM you

It may seem obvious, but I’d tell him that you don’t like him being rude about your faith. He was presumably aware of your faith when you both entered the relationship. It can be pretty normal for one’s faith to change over one’s lifetime, whether that’s becoming more religious or less so. Tell him what you’ve said to us, that you understand he doesn’t believe but that you’d prefer him not to be rude. After all, you’re not nasty about his lack of faith. I’m an atheist but have friends who are religious. I probably wouldn’t enter into a relationship with someone who was religious, but there’s a difference between friendship and marriage of course.

Sorry OP, you did ask for views from the Christian partner or converted atheist so I probably shouldn't have responded to your post.

It was this remark from you that gave me that impression.
I’m really struggling now. I’m praying every day for him to find God and for his heart to soften

and

I suppose I would like to do more for our community (through the church) but don’t because it would mean less time with DH which is limited anyway.

You may not feel he isn't good enough but by praying for him to find faith you are ultimately wishing for him to be something he isn't currently. Your anxiety about this comes across strongly in your opening post. It is very possible that he is getting vibes off you to that effect which may explain his remarks.

@MardalaRhyme no need to apologise. I was interested how you’d reached that view. My worry is real in my first post as earlier today I’d got myself into a place where I stupidly thought he wanted to leave me (or was saying this type of thing to push me away, then he could blame my faith as a reason; like I say, I build this up from no where sometimes).

I'm the daughter of a CoS minister, baptised, attended church, married in church, DS christened in church but I'm not a regular attendee. Personally, and this is just my opinion, I find 'born again Christians' a bit full on. You want DH to be Christian so you could do more in your community through your church. Sounds like you want to spend a lot of time doing 'religious' things which would probably not interest me and I am Christian so I can only imagine how your DH must feel.

Everyone is in God's hands whether they actively pursue a relationship with Him or spiritual path, or not.

It is very trite and annoying when people have fobbed me off with this saying but as time goes on I find it more and more meaningful: give it to God. Whatever your worries or concerns, give them to God. He is bigger than any worry you have, any situation.

In the nicest possible way, it is not up to you to convert DH. Follow your path and enjoy the fruits of your growing relationship with Jesus. Share joy and compassion. Draw on God for strength and fulfilment.

I was baptised relatively recently, after marriage, and to me the Christian life is the best adventure a person could go on. My DH is also slightly baffled, initially concerned it was a cult but now more understanding and accepting, having seen the transformation in me.

I wish my DH would see what I see in it, but I know his path is his own and it's between him and God anyway. It takes courage to love someone so much and let them go their own way. Yet that is what God did with us, we have free will and can choose to love Him.

@Ginger1982 you’re way off I’m afraid. I don’t want to convert him to spend time doing ‘religious things’. I’ve listed my reasons for having a preference of him being a Christian but I’m more bothered that our relationship is strong and our communication improves on the topic of our beliefs.

There’s a specific community thing and which is linked to the church, which I would like to get involved in, but he knows nothing about my musings on this as I’m not this “born again” Christian that you think I am, pushing my beliefs on to him.

DrCorday this is just a guess, but I’m wondering from your latest posts whether your worry and reluctance to discuss you taking up this community work is because it would mean that he has to cut back in his activities?

In which case (assuming I’m right) would he object to cutting back his training time regardless of how you wanted to spend that time or is he specifically resentful about cutting back so that you can undertake an activity he has no respect for?

In which case your issue is respect and equitable division of personal time.

It’s not fair for example for him to do (for example) ten hours of marathon training and four hours of skydiving a week and not be prepared to facilitate you doing three hours of community work.

I may be completely off base, but if I’m right then I’d suggest you map out a family timetable on paper and demonstrate the disparity.

I don’t think it’s necessarily important to have exactly equal amounts of free time but I think both partners should try very hard to support each other’s interest.

It doesn’t matter if he thinks the church is silly, just as it doesn’t matter if you think running marathons is silly. Marriage means supporting each other.

On the other hand if you are out of the house far more than him then you may need to be prepared to cut back other activities.

You said you are hoping that his heart will soften. Do you think he is hard hearted because he isn't a Christian and that you are more soft hearted than he because you are? I disagree. You maybe did not mean that as I have interpreted it but if you did I can see why you becoming religious is causing problems between you. If you now think he isn't as good a person as you are based on you believing and him not believing in something supernatural then he is going to be annoyed by that.
I don't think you have said anything to each other that cannot be fixed. You can respect each other from here on in.

It doesn’t matter if he thinks the church is silly, just as it doesn’t matter if you think running marathons is silly. Marriage means supporting each other.

Yes, this is exactly how I see it too. (I am religious, DH is not.)

Have you considered some form of couples counselling? The fundamental point here is that you as a couple don’t have a good way of handling disagreement on this. Talking it through with the support of a neutral party might help.

"but it is making me sad that he won’t have eternal life"

OP don't think like this, because a) you can't know and b) it is not for you to judge. Think about instead God's infinite and boundless mercy: www.irishtimes.com/news/social-affairs/religion-and-beliefs/thinking-anew-a-message-of-infinite-mercy-1.3303191

I’ve been in the situation of having a boyfriend become a born again Christian – yes, I know, not quite your situation – but there are sufficient parallels to make me feel I might have some insight into how your DH is feeling.

When your DH says, ‘Well, go off and find a Christian bloke to pray with’, you hear somebody being unpleasant but I hear someone who is in pain.

No matter how often you help out at the food bank or the homeless shelter, and how much he can appreciate this on an intellectual level, his lived, direct experience isn’t of you being kinder.

Your posts clearly suggest you would prefer him to change. Though you say explicitly you don’t want to change him, the general tenor of your other comments contradicts this. For example, you say (my italics):

I would love for him to be a Christian but I’m also ok that he isn’t.

I’m praying every day for him to find God and for his heart to soften.

It is making me sad that he won’t have eternal life.

Concerning that last comment - holding onto the idea that you’re heaven-bound and he isn’t is not helping! You can’t believe that the Ultimate Universal Arbiter is going to reward you and not him without affecting the bond of trust between you in a very fundamental way.

It might seem that this would be irrelevant to the non-believer in a relationship, but, in the end it’s not about what’s true about the post-death experience, it is about the way this belief erodes his worth in your eyes and how that change in your estimation affects the way he sees you too.

He is taking you to task over your belief in the Bible but I suspect the real issue is not his being alienated by your faith but more that, once upon a time, you could not imagine an improved version of him and now you can – and he feels this in his bones.

What I am saying is that he would find it easier to accept your religious views if you could tell him, in the words of BillyJoel, ‘Don’t go changing to try and please me, I love you just the way you are.’

And not just say it because it’s the right thing to do but mean it with every fibre of your being, something which might require a conscious decision to reassess what truly is of value in your life.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd thank you so much for this insight. It is very useful. I really appreciate you replying

I am an active humanist married to an active Christian. It can work but there needs to be clear boundaries.

As OutwiththeOutCrowd says, you want him to change. And he knows this. You even said you would be lovely if he changed his beliefs to match yours.

This needs to stop.

My DP and I will never be on the same page but I could not expect them to change and they do not expect me to change. We both had our beliefs before we met so our relationship was founded on these boundaries. You have changed during the course of your relationship. Do you realise how much?

You have to respect him and make sure he respects you.

DP and I dont talk about religion/humanism but I suppose we are lucky in that our attitudes to things like equality for women are the same so DP would not accept churches that commit to the women subjecting themselves to male leadership. And dont get me started on complimentarianism.

Find things that you both share - where moral and ethical beliefs are similar - and see if there are activities around that. DP and I have been involved in supporting homeless people and asylum seekers. For me it is the humanist thing to do and for DP it is the Christian thing to do.

I dont do religious services and DP respects that. DP doesnt come to humanist meetings and that is fine too.

Develop and respect each others barriers.

But if you keep up with this: "Of course my belief is that we won’t be together beyond death" then you are taking a strong theological position that implies a criticism of your DP for not being the same as you.

And a lot of Christian churches are against IVF. Including the Catholic Church. You may think it was faith that let the IVF work. A lot of Christians disagree with the science that did work.