Mixed faith relationship

[oddexperience]

Anyone had one which has worked? I'm an atheist currently dating a Baptist and it is harder than I could have possibly have imagined. Together we are fine. We are happy we have a great time. The issues come when I'm exposed to the community around his religion. This church leaders disapproving of me because I don't believe in god and being told by church friend of his that yes I was going to hell (to be fair I did ask about that area of the religion I was just so surprised that the could say that only knowing one thing about me). I find it hard to make friends with his friends because they're so intergrated in the church if I don't go to church then I haven't got a chance. I had got quite curious about the religion etc and thought about going to his church to see what it was like but they then turned him down a role in the church because he was dating me. It's turned me off the whole thing completely. What kind of community judges a stranger so harshly!?
They are kind people who I'm sure mean well but it's so exclusionary and has done nothing except make me feel more atheitist!
To date him I've had to make a number of changes to my life style (think no sex before marriage) were now at the point of talking about the future and honestly I got quite upset when he said that even if our child had a fatal fetal abnormality he'd expect the pregnancy to be continued.
I do discuss insercurities with him but I don't like chatting about his church community with him because he always feels attacked.

Has anyone had a mixed faith relationship. How did you work your way around these sorts of issues?

Oh and of course what is the religious perspective on mixed faith relationship?

That sounds really difficult OP. Him being really strict in his religion, I could imagine it could work if he wasn't so. I should also imagine he'd want any children you may have to attend the church too, how would you feel about that. How does he feel about you atheism, is he hoping you'll convert?

I don't think it will work long term. How long have you been dating?

Sorry, but it doesn't sound good. You are fine at the moment because you don't have joint commitments/ responsibilities, you live separately so you could do what you want. He will expect you to change after marriage. The discussion of issue about pregnancy is just a first sign. Could you share your life with someone who disagree profoundly with your choices? And he definitely wants to keep his and stick to them. He expects you to go on his side. So the answer- no, it won't work.

I'm in a mixed-faith relationship (23 years and 3dc) with an atheist, and the only way it works is if both people are open to talking and willing to compromise.

For example, I changed my place of worship to one which would welcome dh wholeheartedly. Dh did not ask me to do this. I'm not sure it would even have occurred to him. But I knew that it would be an issue, despite the lip-service given to inclusivity by my then place of worship.

Dh accepts that certain things are very important to me, and that I and the dc do certain things. He is always welcome to join in, there is no pressure and no judgement if he chooses not to.

I accept that certain things are very important to dh, and that he and the dc do certain things. Again, I am always welcome to join in, there is no pressure and no judgement if I choose not to.

(I do sometimes find it a little frustrating that dh generally chooses not to join in with something communal like, say, a quiz night, but that may be as much because he's not a terrific socialiser as anything to do with it being in a faith-based group. He's come out of his shell a bit in the last couple of years.)

I am a Christian married to an agnostic. Been together over 20 years, got married after 5. I really struggled with this as ideally I would have married a Christian but I fell in love with someone who wasn't. It works for us as we respect the other's choices. But before we got married, we did discuss children and he agreed he was happy for me to take them to church and tell them my beliefs as long as he didn't have to pretend he believed. I also stated that I wouldn't have an abortion whatever the circumstances. He gets on well with most of my church friends socially and occasionally attends church events (in same way I might attend eg a golf club dinner).

Of course I still want him to be a Christian but we make it work. As in any marriage there are compromises.

Thank you for all the replies! Green We do already live together (it's a long story but it's been working really well it's really nice) vitally he isn't at all expecting me to convert. He'll involve me if I ask but never expect anything from me (he actually said he wouldn't date a Christian. Think he feels a lot of pressure from family and the community). Green You are right that compromises will tend to fall of his side given that he has the more "restrictive life". We have talked about kids and we do both agree about how it should be approached. Weve been together 8 months and living together for a large amount of that time. Neverusethisname thank you it's nice to here how some people make it work x
We do agree on a lot of major issues. We feel similarly about abortion (except in the case of fatal feutal abnormality) homosexuality (despite his churches belief he really doesn't care) this is relevant because I have a gay sibling. Other things like euthanasia etc get more touchy (I believe in my right to die if i choose he doesn't)
People are right saying it's fine now (which it truely is it is wonderful. He is the kindest and loveliest person I have ever met) but I know it'll get more complex which is why I'm asking about the future now. We do discuss these issues together.
For those in a mixed faith relationship how do you compromise. Does one person tend to loose out or do you find a way to meet in the middle. Changing church sounds like an interesting option but he's only recently settled at his new church so I wouldn't be willing to ask him to give it up. Thank you for your responses !!

At my church there are lots of couples where only one has faith. It's is not a problem and all would be welcomed.
OP your partners church sounds very strange - definitely not the norm. I think he should try a different church - I can't imagine why he wants to go to that one - it's not very Christian.

That's what I thought. They are (mostly) very kind to me when I see then but the way he got treated because of me makes me extreamly uncomfortable (I was planning on going to church with him but now I feel too uncomfortable). He's never made me feel guilty etc about it. He 100%doesnt blame me for it but I do feel that the conservative branch of Christianity he was raised in (but doesn't necessarily believe whole heartedly) conflicts a lot with my own beliefs (just the general everyone's going to hell unless you follow this exact path) it's puts me off. We never have these issues has a couple but the external influence does stress me out at times. It took me a couple of months to come to terms with the fact that I'd never be his number one priority. God/ Jesus would be

Daffodeilght thank you

I thought you were going to say he'd been at that church for a long time due to it being his families church, you'd think with it being a recent change he'd have picked one that was more open and welcoming to his parnter. Wonder why is was against having a Christian partner.

Is it mixed faith though?
He has a religion and you have none.
Seems he is willing to cherry pick his religion - even over very important matters- a Baptist living in sin??

He picked the church before we'd met but he takes a while settling into new situations. He does do a lot of this to please his family. I thought at first that he did cherry pick his religion to suit him but the more we talk about it the more it seems that he questions a fair bit of it (I think he'd be better suited to Anglican but there you go). Again the church is not actively mean to me they just believe he shouldn't be dating me. His friends there are all kind to me but I think the longer this relationship gets the more of them are wondering how much further we'll take it (one of them truely is lovely. She says the bible doesn't recommend it but it's not a sin so why should she worry). Most of his friends are shocked that the church made that decision about the position. I think he doesn't want to be with a Christian because of his questioning about his faith. He knows I'll listen and let him find his own path but won't go speak to his pastor because I'm worried about him (which people have done in the past to him
Yeah I get what you mean about mixed faith I just didn't know how to phrase it.

He sounds confused and beholden to his family. I feel a bit sorry for him but don't feel it's on the way he seems to condone the way the church carries on with regards to you. He's gotta man up a follow his instinct instead of following others. He's/you are still young. I hope you can both work things out. Best wishes.

Thank you vitality. You've given me a lot to think about. I do hope it works out. I hope we manage to stumble our way through but we are young and we can't predict the future. I appreciate your comments. Thank you

Looks like a majority of posters were right. Seems like this relationship is ending. On religious grounds of course. I finally told him I could bare the idea of any children we had thinking I was going to hell and that I wasn't happy about how his church was treating me (which he seems to think would happen no matter what church he went to). We're taking some space at the minute but it's not looking great. Thanks for all your earlier posts. They really did help.

I am a humanist married to a liberal Christian.

If they were a baptist we would not have got beyond the first date. Some things in life are irreconcilable.

Womens rights
Womens role in a church.
Womens role in society
Womens role in a family.

etc.

No. And whilst Baptists can vary slightly on these things so many of the congregation wont and they will never accept you.

Oh sorry OP. What a shame. Sounds like you're well out of it though, you don't need that kind of grief and negativity in your life.

Thanks viatology. Your posts were very helpful. It's so tricky because we both want it to work out but he seemed to think what the church thought of me only affected him.
Tbh this whole experience has put me off religion for life. I could never think of such a large amount of the population as evil. It's so hurtful they would believe that. I hope it does truely bring them happiness so someone gains something from all this.
I think his family are hoping this is the shock I need to convert. I don't think it's going to happen unfortunately.

*Vitalogy

Painful and upsetting, but better you found it out now, than later.

Please don't blame it on 'religion'. It's about him, not them. He made his choice. Any lasting, happy relationship is about give-and-take, communication, consideration. If he didn't think 'this' affected you, then he wouldn't think about how other things affect you. He may have wanted the relationship to work out, but he clearly wasn't prepared to put the effort in.

I hope you find the right man for you, who will respect you and cherish you as you deserve.

You sound like you've got your head screwed on OP. That particular congregation could have learnt a lot from you:

I could never think of such a large amount of the population as evil. It's so hurtful they would believe that. I hope it does truely bring them happiness so someone gains something from all this.

Please don't blame it on 'religion'. It's about him, not them In this case it sounds like this church has a lot to answer for too.

I hate to paint religion with a sweeping brush. I have myself been involved in my local church in the past but they had many atheists in the congregation like me who were there to contemplate life. They were always so kind. I do wonder if I over reacted over the church role. It was a requirement for him to be a good role model and this included not dating non Christians. I interrupted that as me somehow saying I was immoral and therefore making him a poor role model. Maybe they were talking about ideal Christian relationships?
I'm not sure. I just took offence because it seemed such a generalise statement about the group I belong to. Could you imagine if a humanist group or atheist group required you to "not date religious people" it'd probably make the news.
I fee so frustrated that it didn't even occur to him how that felt. And then to expect any future children I had to be exposed to that. He'd talked about marriage and kids but it seems so clear now that he never thought that through. Who would be happy with their children being taught that mummy was going to hell and isn't good for daddy?

As I said in my earlier post, I changed my place of worship to ensure that my dh would be welcomed. oddexperience's ex could have done the same. He chose not to.

We broke up yesterday. All I asked of him was to find a new church which wouldn't preach hate when we had children. He said no. It hurts so much to be dumped for something he's not sure he even 100% believes. I fee like when he was talking about marriage and kids he just led me on and lied. I don't know how it didn't occur to him that I would find that idea upsetting and offensive. I'm finding it so hard to be civil at the minute. He's acting all friendly and Platonic but I just want to scream at him that he cheated me and he's been an asshole. I feel so furious that I wasted nearly a year of myself and compromised on a lot for someone who won't compromise on just one thing. I feel so angry.