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Original poster

Christian women who have left an abusive husband..

39 replies

LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2017 14:13

I know you're out there! Please help me..

I got married 15 years ago. We were both Christians. The marriage has been very hard, all things I put down to cultural differences, work stress etc etc. I have only recently come to realise that all the time this was abuse. In fact a few weeks ago I met with a support worker from a local abuse support group who told me this was a textbook abusive relationship and if I stay me and the children will suffer long term psychological damage, some of which I'm seeing already as my son (10) misses at least a day a week of school. He's been referred for an Aspergers diagnosis, but the support worker said that, whilst it may be that , she feels he probably wants to stay and protect me.

I told him at the beginning of August I wanted a divorce. He was devastated and begged for another chance. I said I would hold off throughout August (as we have mortgage paperwork we need to sort out anyway). He's been kind, helpful, cooking, cleaning, and has written me a letter about how sorry he is and how he believes God has a plan for our family etc etc...(he stopped coming to church years ago)

I'm trying to be so strong because I don't want to put the kids through anymore of this, but there is a part of me that thinks what if this is the bit just before the miracle? But I can't just wait around anymore for a miracle. I've prayed, cried, prayed, submitted, done everything I could possibly do..

And yet when he's nice I feel so sucked in. So please, tell me your stories!

OP posts:
thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 27/08/2017 16:13

As a female vicar I'm aware of the difficulty that some women in conservative churches have in leaving abusive husbands. In some churches there can be a toxic mix of conservative theology, the patriarchy in the form of the lead minister/elders and abusive husbands that make leaving very hard.

Some things to consider.

An abuser does not change their personality, just their words. Don't expect a miracle.

There are plenty of mainstream churches that do not expect women to submit to their husbands. If your church is not supportive find another one.

Get some outside perspective - RELATE might be appropriate.

Good luck

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2017 17:06

Thank you. Your comment about personality not changing, only words is very helpful. I am fortunate that I have a number of very supportive people at my church who will be fully behind me if I leave. My struggle is my own deep down worry of blocking all possibility of a miracle. Well, 2 miracles - him changing and me wanting to be married to him anymore.

But thank you again for posting.

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Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2017 17:07

But I see you said don't expect a miracle, and I'm sure you're right.

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EnthusiasticEdna · 27/08/2017 19:59

I would never say don't expect a miracle! Though I understand why it was said. Have you ever confronted the behaviour before op? If this is the first time and your dh genuinely wants to change he needs to get himself back to church pronto, repent, bring himself under church authority and agree to marriage counselling. Is there an AA type thing for abusers? Because there should be. I've assumed here it isn't physical abuse of course. If it is you need to leave and protect yourself and your children obviously. I hope that goes without saying. And that still doesn't preclude a miracle of a different kind.

GoldfishCrackers · 27/08/2017 22:59

If you're waiting for a miracle, I would suggest that in the meantime you separate yourself and your DC from your husband so that you can keep safe. Regardless of what form the abuse takes (physical/emotional etc.) it's all serious and damaging. It's hard to fully realise how abuse affects you until you get a bit of space from it.

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2017 23:20

Thanks both. Yes I can see that separation is important for a clear head. My kids have never had the opportunity to live without walking on eggshells. I think they need to learn what that is like.

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Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 27/08/2017 23:21

edna there is something called a perpetrators course which I'm looking at. However I have confronted him in this before and he found the word 'abuse' extremely offensive. It's possible it would be different now though as he's genuinely faced with losing us.

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ghanchi · 27/08/2017 23:29

I believe the Bible allows divorce for domestic abuse, and the key text for this is 1 Corinthians 7:15 – But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. For God has called us to peace.

uhohterrio · 27/08/2017 23:41

Of course he is being nice now. He is pretending to be the man you wished he was.

But isn't. Get out, stay out. You owe it to your children. The Lord will provide. But you gotta go to the table yourself.

I've been there, left & there really is life ahead. I wish you strength.

lavenderpekins · 27/08/2017 23:43

This verse comes to mind; Ephesians 6:14
Also God has a fierce love for your children. Protect them. Remove yourselves and then as others have said perhaps they'll be miracles. However it's concerning he doesn't go to church..

hellokitsy · 28/08/2017 00:01

LinMan, even if you're waiting for a miracle, why can't that miracle happen when you're safely separated and your kids are not being traumatised? There could be a miracle that occurs after five years of separation when he's been thoroughly transformed through therapy.

Right now, you have to get out.

I went to a very very conservative church in my youth, and whenever they preached about marriage it was always that the only reason to divorce is when one person is being harmed or abused. So even a church like that would have said of course you need to leave if you're being hurt, mentally or physically!

One of the hard things when abuse is discussed is that people use language like 'he's a monster' 'what a @&!@' etc. So when you look at your DH and you know he's a complex person, not a monster, you think, therefore it can't be abuse.

But in fact, good kind husbands can do abusive things, they can live out patterns that deeply traumatise their family. It doesn't matter why he's doing it (ASD, low self esteem etc), everyone tries to rationalise these things by finding reasons it might happen. The fact is, you and your children are being damaged and hurt and it is important to protect yourselves.

Please stop staying in the hope of a miracle. It's not fair on any of you. The world is a fallen place and messy, things don't turn out the way we planned, but you can get through this and protect your precious kids.

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 06:38

Thank you ghanchi I've read that verse before in this context and it's very helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 06:39

uhohterrio thank you for commenting, you were the kind of poster I was looking for as you've been through it. Can you tell me anything about your experience? What is life like now?

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Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 06:41

lavendar thank you for that verse and for reminding me that I am fighting for my children!

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Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 06:44

hellokitsy thank you for your thoughtful post which really touches the heart of my struggle. When talking to the abuse support worker I asked her if she thinks the behaviour is intentional. She said it absolutely is. I find that hard as I know he is very broken himself.

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MiaFarrowsWheelbarrow · 28/08/2017 07:15

You state that you are waiting for a miracle but I think you have already had it given to you: the clear head and strength to deal with the separation and divorce to come. Please do not wait any longer to obtain permission to leave this marriage and keep yourself and your children safe.

TravellingFleet · 28/08/2017 07:22

FWIW, I think my marriage made me into half a person. I tried very hard, but I was made less of a person, rather than growing as a person alongside my ex-H. I feel I've been able to grow since divorce and be much better able to take steps to live a right, good and fulfilling life. It seems over-confident to say that I'm living the life that God would want me to, but I at least feel that I'm trying to do so in a small and growing way (despite many failings!), and I know that I am finally able to help others in a way I couldn't before.

Awholenewstart · 28/08/2017 07:33

Linman I have been through this. Feel free to pm me.
Having separated I even tried again to give him the benefit of the doubt as he seemed in 'a better place'. But the underlying abuse/control was still there, the walking on eggshells, the making decisions to suit him first.
It's hard to make the break when they are begging, it's easy to explain away the abuse (especially when others' don't see that side
of him) but do it for your children.
Our home is so much more relaxed, the children have a better relationship with him now than they did before too.
God did not want women treated in this way. My church did a fantastic sermon on divorce - I can send you the podcast link if you would like to listen to it.
All the best 😊

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 08:00

Thank you all so much these comments are exactly what I needed which is a miracle in itself!!

Those of you who have done it, did you explain why to your H, or did you
just accept that he wouldn't get it? I think one of the hardest things is accepting he will never understand my decision. But I guess that's because I'm conditioned to please him!

Thank you again so much, you are really helping!!

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Appraiser · 28/08/2017 08:20

Could write him a letter Lin, explaining the reasons why. It may only give a smidgen of understanding to him but will be therapeutic for you to write down all the red flags and concerns that you have and remain, despite the promises he is making.

Other than this, I have no other advice, I just wanted to say I'll pray for you and your children to come through this stronger than you are now 🙏🏻

Awholenewstart · 28/08/2017 08:31

I tried explaining, but no he never got it. Turned it round to blame me. He did apologise when he thought there was a chance of coming back, but as soon as I blocked that he was back to anger and blame. Given up trying to make him understand...

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 08:43

Yes I probably will write him a letter. He wrote me a letter last week all (and tucked it inside one of our wedding invitations) about how sorry he was for hurting me, how he prayed God would heal the pain and how he felt that God has a purpose for our family of 4. I seriously wobbled, but I think based on what everyone here says and the advice of friends it's just a nice list of everything I want to hear.

I've struggled to pray about this recently (although I've prayed and prayed before for years) but must nights I just lie there saying 'Jesus what shall I do', and I've just realised that if the few people I've talked to irl and others on here, not one person has advised me to stay. That helps.

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LadyPeterWimsey · 28/08/2017 08:54

Just a side note: if he were serious about being sorry and wanting to fix things, surely he would go back to church, and get support to repent and change from the church leadership. Just telling you he thinks God has a plan for your life together as a family while not pursuing a relationship with God himself is manipulative and hypocritical.

Original poster
LinManWellWellWell · 28/08/2017 10:22

Yes I agree ladyPeter . I mean I hope he has seen the light and is coming back to his faith etc...but I think that may need to be without me there.

OP posts:
Awholenewstart · 28/08/2017 10:32

I agree with LadyPeter my ex said just that, and it did get me hopeful. But I needed to see the changes in him - which I didn't.

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