Christian women who have left an abusive husband..

[LinManWellWellWell]

I know you're out there! Please help me..

I got married 15 years ago. We were both Christians. The marriage has been very hard, all things I put down to cultural differences, work stress etc etc. I have only recently come to realise that all the time this was abuse. In fact a few weeks ago I met with a support worker from a local abuse support group who told me this was a textbook abusive relationship and if I stay me and the children will suffer long term psychological damage, some of which I'm seeing already as my son (10) misses at least a day a week of school. He's been referred for an Aspergers diagnosis, but the support worker said that, whilst it may be that , she feels he probably wants to stay and protect me.

I told him at the beginning of August I wanted a divorce. He was devastated and begged for another chance. I said I would hold off throughout August (as we have mortgage paperwork we need to sort out anyway). He's been kind, helpful, cooking, cleaning, and has written me a letter about how sorry he is and how he believes God has a plan for our family etc etc...(he stopped coming to church years ago)

I'm trying to be so strong because I don't want to put the kids through anymore of this, but there is a part of me that thinks what if this is the bit just before the miracle? But I can't just wait around anymore for a miracle. I've prayed, cried, prayed, submitted, done everything I could possibly do..

And yet when he's nice I feel so sucked in. So please, tell me your stories!

I met with a couple from church this morning who were keen that I delay the actual 'divorce' for as long as possible. They suggested separating whilst working on perpetrators course etc and they would be praying...they felt his behaviour had been completely unacceptable and that we need a break from it, but that divorce is SO final I should give him a chance..for the children's sake as they deserve the best.

Feel a bit mixed tbh!!

I see their point, but from my own experience I think it's precisely that finality which is needed to allow everyone to go on and heal. I think that so long as you're all in a 'might get back together' mode, you're all stuck in a holding pattern. It's very easy to drop back into familiar ways of interacting and you need the break and new life in order to allow you to move into being the new, more fulfilled you. It's the same for your H and for the DC - they need finality and stability to grow into the new people they can be away from the abusuve dynamics of the relationship.

This said, I will say that in my experience divorce was horrendous to go through, and it's tough at times being solely responsible for everything - but I came out the other side much much happier and more fulfilled.

It's so tricky, because they've offered the use of a house for him (which he wouldn't have to pay for) for a 'trial separation ', which might actually help me because it could move him out quite quickly. But the house is only available till Christmas which gives me another big time limit to make decisions...argh

This resonates so much with me -I split from my husband 7 years ago and divorced 2 years later

My church taught, and I believed and still do that a wife should serve and submit -but crucially my church also teaches that the husband should make decisions that will ensure the wife is taken care of, that her relationship with God is nurtured and that she is not in the position where she needs to choose between her relationship with God, her children or her husband. As a man and a woman are joined through marriage, disrespecting your wife (or husband) is disrespecting God and the unity.

I struggled for years. My husband left the church, self diagnosed depression and then blamed everything on that -I felt like I was the only one fighting for our relationship.
I was counselled, I tried everything -he tried nothing other than ramping up his dependence on me, as he realised that I was no longer able to fight he smothered me with romantic gestures -I said no

He moved in with his parents and then the accusations of abuse started coming in my direction -I didn't keep my marriage vows, I didn't support him, I let other people influence me when I should have listened to him, I didn't care for him when he was ill even though he never saw a doctor

He is the one who has broken his marriage vows op, not you

My children and I are so much happier. My relationship with God is stronger, I work in a field that I believe is my calling -but I was not allowed to pursue as it took too much time from our family

Take the offer of the accommodation -it will give you breathing space and clarity,
Christmas is his deadline to find somewhere else -not yours

Oh my goodness emo that really resonates. My husband has been diagnosed with depression..also stress/living in another country etc. He is currently smothering me by constantly hugging me etc...

Can I ask how you found the 2 years between separation and divorce? Did you always know you'd divorce eventually or was it a slow realisation?

I think I knew we would divorce but I had no trust left in him and I think that trust is the hardest thing to get back in a relationship

I didn't rush into divorce because for my own peace of mind I knew I had to try everything -including separation

We attended church counselling but i didn't feel like I could talk openly in front of him
I was also referred to counselling by my gp because my ex told me I was depressed and that was what was driving the split. The counsellor said he was emotionally abusing me and that how I was feeling was a natural response to the situation I was in. I was also advised that if the relationship is abusive then couples counselling is never recommended -I totally see why

Thanks for sharing emo . I think that's how I feel at the moment...I can't personally see things changing but I feel I need to at least try. I think it will end up being asking him to move out and do a perpetrator course and seeing it as a 'trial separation '. I kind of want to see what it's like in the house without him here for a longish period. Will the kids pine for him or will they relax...that will help me decide.

I have friends who are praying for a miracle in our marriage. I feel guilty because I don't even know if I want one.

Look, if you don't want a miracle you don't want to be married to him any more, and that's actually just fine. I remember sitting with my DH, offering to give it another chance after all the counselling etc because I thought I should, but actually this small voice saying 'I hope he doesn't say yes'.

I did all the counselling so I could say 'well, I did everything I could' but it wasn't appropriate and looking back I should simply have ended the marriage. ('Luckily' he had an affair because otherwise I don't think I'd ever have felt justified in ending it!)

Your prayers are being answered - you ask Jesus what to do and everyone is saying separate. That is pretty clear. And is the step you need to take now.
Then you can make decisions about what to do next (sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof).
And often the right decision is the one you want most and gives you the most peace.
Miracles can happen but often not to change personalities and relationships, those are things that need work. In some ways by getting away from him you are giving him the best chance to change - relationships form habits of behaviour that are very hard to break and even harder in that relationship.

Wise words from Bekabeech there.

I agree. Very wise words Bekabeech

Thank you those are really helpful posts (like all the posts on this thread. I'm so grateful!) and are really helping me.

I did have a revelation yesterday that I don't need to be stressing so much. For months I've been carrying a great burden feeling that the entire future of our family rests on whether I make the right choice. But I was thinking about (as someone else said earlier) how I've already had a miracle...that my eyes are fully open to the situation. And I don't believe God would open my eyes and then just leave me floundering around. So I guess I trust that this will work out somehow!

It's just really encouraging to hear that I am free to leave the marriage if I choose to. Thank you again.

Hi all. I have my free 30 minute solicitor appt on Monday. Any advice on how to prepare?

What time is your appointment? Post in relationships for advice on solicitor - you should get lots of good advice there.
In the meantime, for a start, get financial info - bank balances (statements), savings, debts, pensions. And have an idea of what you would like to do wrt child contact. Whether you'd like to stay in the house etc.
Good luck