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Original poster

Please will somebody pray for me and my boys?

48 replies

ForgivenNotForgotten · 11/02/2016 21:33

We need help! My 7 year old says he hates me, he is so upset right now. We have lived with domestic abuse, his dad has been gone for a year now, and I am struggling to cope. Ds1 is desperate, and I am failing him because I yell at him, get drunk some evenings, and am so inconsistent with bedtimes etc so that he never knows where he is. Nobody really knows how badly I am coping.

I don't even know how to pray. But I do believe that God can heal our situation somehow. Please help. There must be some of you that can intercede for us, and we can start to live the lives we were meant to live.

I'm sorry if I sound crazy. .. I just dont know where to turn. Am hiding outside in the garden because ds1 is refusing to go to bed, seems totally terrified of me, has screamed at me to go away. I made a face that I know his dad used to make when he was being scary. I feel like I don't know how to exist in a world without abuse

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 11/02/2016 21:34

I will add you to mine tonight

Tuo · 11/02/2016 21:55

Praying for you and your boys, Forgiven. Come and hang out on the prayer thread occasionally if you'd like to... We are quite nice and there will always be someone there who will pray for you.

You don't sound crazy to me, you sound afraid and stressed and lonely. Please try to look into places locally (or online) where you can turn for help. I'm not sure where to suggest first, but you could try Women's Aid, your GP, your church, your DSs' school... You need to try to trust people to be there for you and to want to help you. You don't have to do all this alone, and no-one will judge you or think you sound crazy; and they might be able to help. If nothing else, you'll have shared the problem, which is a start.

And do pray if you want to. Don't worry about not knowing how to do it. Just talk. Let out how you feel and ask for help with it. Or don't talk at all but just try to find some peace within yourself and hold on to that. Have you heard of 'the Jesus prayer'? It might help you - it helps me if I'm very stressed or panicky and 'can't find the words'. In the Eastern Orthodox tradition it's often repeated over and over, and it's the repetition that's calming. There are various forms, I think. I say 'Lord Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner'. That's it, and just say it over and over, trying to breathe deeply and regularly. I hope you will find it calming.

Do ask for RL help too, though. You sound desperately in need of a helping hand to get you through this.

SeaOfBlue · 11/02/2016 22:07

Praying too xxx

Cuttheraisins · 11/02/2016 22:10

Yes here as well.

QofF · 11/02/2016 22:11

Prayers from me too forgiven you poor thing. Your post is so desperately sad but as tuo says there are places and people who can help. Be assured of prayers but you also need to take steps to start the process of rebuilding and that starts with reaching out to someone or some place in real life who can help. My prayer for you tonight is that you will find the strength to do that and that someone will start the process of providing the support you definitely need. I hope you are in the house now and the children are in bed. God bless you and give you a night of rest. And it would be worth posting in Chat or a busier forum to see if there are any practical suggestions re where to turn as well.

BiscuitMillionaire · 11/02/2016 22:12

You could try asking if his school has a counsellor your DS could go and talk to. Tell them he is struggling because of your home situation. The SENCO might also be able to recommend a parenting class for you, to help you build up your confidence again. Or Women's Aid might be able to help with supporting you.

Sorry I'm not a praying person, but I send you kindest wishes.

kippersyllabub · 11/02/2016 22:13

Prayers and hugs

Dutchoma · 11/02/2016 22:22

Another one to hold a hand of comfort out to you, adding prayer. It takes a long time to get over abuse; are your boys still seeing their father? If so it will be even more difficult to get on an even keel.
If it is any comfort: all children say from time to time that they hate their parents and they mean it, too! It is just their way to let off steam and they will only do it with someone they trust to go on loving them, even if they behave atrociously. Does not mean to say that their behaviour is something you have to put up with. Boundaries are good and healthy, don't be afraid to put your foot down when you expect reasonable behaviour.
What support do you have? Is there a church that might help you in RL? As TUO said: do come over to the prayer thread for some day to day support. We would love to see you there.

Bolognese · 11/02/2016 22:55

You sound in an awful situation but for the sake of your children you need to get a grip. Stop looking for others to help, stop getting drunk and be a parent. God wont help you, neither can anyone else. Put your children to bed and stop giving in to them, you are the parent.

Lovelydiscusfish · 11/02/2016 23:51

Bolognese, stop being hateful. Whoever the hell you are, does it make you feel strong, kicking a woman when she's down? Catch yourself on, for goodness' sake - think for a second about what you're saying, and to whom.
OP, I'm so sorry things are so tough right now. It is a great thing you are no longer in the abusive relationship, and of course, it will take time for you and your son to heal. You have done the best thing in the world for him, in getting out of the relationship. You and your son both need real-life support now as others upthread have suggested - I hope and pray that you find everything you need.

TealLove · 12/02/2016 00:42

Bolognese the OP is in a v bad place and feels hopeless. Please be more compassionate.

SecretWitch · 12/02/2016 00:59

Op, please disregard the harsh words from Bolognese. I'm guessing those words come from a person who might be hurting too. Please know I am praying for you and your children. Don't be afraid to ask for assistance. We all need help at some time in our lives. I'm sending thoughts of peace, strength and hope to you..xx

ScouseQueen · 12/02/2016 01:31

I'll pray for you and the boys. Every day is a chance to try again with bedtimes etc. Just start again tomorrow. Can you set a timer on your phone as a reminder to get DS1 into bed at a better time? And keep hugging him and telling him you love him?

Akire · 12/02/2016 01:52

I'm praying you all get some decent sleep tonight

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 12/02/2016 07:39

oh lovely. it will get better, if you have only left recently then he will remember quite a lot and have to work out all the emotions.

I also have a seven year old who hates me at least once per day and wants a proper parent.

EdithSimcox · 12/02/2016 12:38

OP how are you today? You are in my prayers too, but as others have said you need to find some support from RL people too to help you establish some new behaviours to make your life a little easier - and of course thereby your DC's too.

Perhaps you could access some support through the school, or your GP, or friends, family or neighbours. You say no-one knows how badly you are coping - so maybe it's time to reach out a little and tell someone you trust. Once you've said it out loud once it will get easier.

Come back here and let us know how you're getting on

Backingvocals · 12/02/2016 12:46

OP my thoughts go out to you. You need to get help. Can you do two things - go and see the GP and go and see the school. Tell them you need help.

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/02/2016 13:08

OP, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your DC.

It sounds as though you have lived a terrifying existence and it has scarred you both. You need help to heal. You deserve to be happy and there are many people who would be glad to help you.

Ask your DS's school if they have someone he can talk to. Tell your GP that you are struggling. See what she can offer. Check out what counselling is available in your area, many charities offer counselling at a reduced rate, some even provide it for free. Check out the Brave Babe's Battle Bus here, those wonderful women may be able to help you with your drinking.

Lots of people want to help you and your family get better. All you have to do is tell them what's going on.

Bolognese · 12/02/2016 13:10

I most certainly was NOT hateful. The op is crying out for help on a public forum. Empty platitudes just enable the spiral of depression, its called sticking your head in the sand. What she needs is the truth about what to do, its called tough love and its the only actually help you can get on an anonymous public forum.

Original poster

ForgivenNotForgotten · 12/02/2016 13:22

Thank you all so much for your support! ! (Yes, even you, bolognaise ) I have been working with the school re ds1's behaviour for some time - they've been really supportive, and were also really helpful when my husband left. Still, I don't think they realise how desperately bad it can be sometimes. Ds was pretty much always compliant at school. I spoke to his class teacher, who is an ex social worker, and she says he behaves so badly for me because I am his safe space. I suppose that ought to be reassuring, but it's still hard to deal with! He was unhappy at school, and in the end I took him out to home educate him. The school were supportive of that too!

I felt so desperate last night! Maybe all single mums find it hard - it's just so relentless, and there is never any break at all. Ds seems to be trying to break me, or rather, to find out where my breaking point is.

Thank you again for all your support. I am going to go back my local church on Sunday - it is a particularly good place, with excellent provision for children and young people plus also a professional counselling service. I used to go years ago, before my husband put a stop to it. I know they will help me, if I can find the courage to admit how much I am struggling in private. I need some help!

Most people think I am sane, sorted, and an excellent, patient mother. If only they knew! !! Thank you again for being there for me last night. And the "Jesus" prayer really helped too.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForgivenNotForgotten · 12/02/2016 13:27

Bolognese, prayer is a lot more powerful than empty platitudes, and you're wrong when you say that God won't help me. Fit me, the most helpful thing about your post was that, in disagreeing with you so thoroughly, I was able to really understand that God is here for me, and that I do have the faith to hold on to that.

There's a place for tough love, of course there is, but sometimes the gentle approach is much more effective.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForgivenNotForgotten · 12/02/2016 13:31

Also, bolognese, problems with regulating alcohol intake are pretty common after leaving abusive relationships. You might want to Google post traumatic stress. It also doesn't help that my husband has problems with alcohol, and tried to get me to join him in that. I'm not defending myself, not at all, but getting the right help is going to be much more useful to me than just trying to get a grip all on my own (I have tried that already! )

OP posts:

BackforGood · 12/02/2016 13:42

Another who would suggest you get some support for your family - ask the school if they can refer you for some support, or your GP, or your local CC or - as others have said, call Womens Aid.

I say your school or CC as there are a lot of organisations / family centres / NSPCC / Banardos / smaller charities that work locally. I could link you to lots of support in my area that don't operate nationwide, but those places should have all the local information.
You know you can't be getting drunk when you are his sole carer (and obv. is no good for you either), and you have said the lack of stability / bedtimes etc is no good for him, so you are clearly a loving Mum asking for help. Yes, we can pray, but I will pray to give you strength to get some practical help in your life too.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/02/2016 13:53

Forgiven your poor sons have been through a terrible time.

You drinking, shouting, pulling faces to scare them, and not taking care of them, is also abuse.

Yes, you need support, but stroking your hair, and telling you God will sort it is pointless.

Get some help for your issues, so you can provide them with settled, safe home.

Also, for you too

Dutchoma · 12/02/2016 14:08

So pleased to get an update. And such a positive one too.
You say: "Most people think I am a sane, sensible and patient mother". That is probably because you are all that. I really hope that the church you used to go to is still as good as it was and that they can help you. You definitely need all the help you can get and I am so very pleased that you reached out and got it. We may be an anonymous group of people on the internet, but we are also a lot more than that: a caring, loving, praying community that will reach out and do what we can to help.

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