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Philosophy/religion

Join our Philosophy forum to discuss religion and spirituality.

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Original poster

Going to church when your partner is reluctant

42 replies

speedymama · 04/12/2006 11:18

For a long time I have been wanting to nurture my spiritual side because I want my DTS who are 2yo to attend Sunday School and learn about Christ and what he stood for. I have started attending a Spirituality at Work discussion group at work. DH is resistant to going to church because to him it is boring. He knows that I want to start taking the boys to Sunday School next year and is supportive. I would like us to go as a family but he has already stated that it is not for him.

I'm interested to know how others manage to nurture spirituality in their family when they have a reluctant partner.

OP posts:

Helgand · 04/12/2006 12:39

Well done for biting the bullet and making a decision - not an easy step. I'm not sure I have any particular advice to help but I do know a lot of other people in similar situations, both mums and dads. You may need to be patient ... easier said than done of course. Maybe he will become more interested when your children start talking about what you are doing. My dh was absolutely flabbergasted when he first came to church with me (a few yrs back now)and went round telling all his friends and family that the church had an overhead projector - he was so stunned that a church kept up to date technologically! I will try to watch this thread, hoping someone more helpful will post. There are books on this type of issue but I don't know any titles so you would have to do a bit of surfing on the net. I will be praying for you. Hx

MaryBS · 04/12/2006 12:57

Good for you! Its a start that he is supportive of you doing it! That is probably the hardest thing.

I go to church with the children (aged 5 and 7) and leave DH at home. Our vicar is very good, he has started up a "Men's group" or "Pint-sized church" (as its down the pub), once a month, which involves the men who go to church and the non-Christian spouses of women at the church. DH goes to that. He also gets the men's group to do things like run the barbeque at church events. Spiritually it IS difficult, especially as I'm now training to become a lay minister, and I feel I can't share anything about it with him. So I tend to come on here and share! Religion in the house is kept fairly low key, out of respect for him. But I do say prayers with the children and encourage them to talk about God. DD (7) in particular, loves her bible stories - and he will read those to her. I've just bought her a children's bible that is a translation for children (6-12 yos), which is fantastic - we just read the first 2 chapters of Genesis last night. Apart from the names of people and places, she copes very well with it. He's also quite accepting of the times I'm away doing church things. For example, this Christmas, I'm leading a carol service on Sunday 17th pm, as well as going to church in the morning. I will also be at church Christmas Eve, morning (service, during which I'm preaching) and afternoon (crib service), midnight and Christmas Day. He MAY come to one of the carol/crib services.

I do hope and pray that one day he will become a Christian, but I don't push it, he has to make up his own mind.

If you have specific questions/worries, please fire away!

Original poster

speedymama · 04/12/2006 16:12

Actually, I was thinking about getting involved in Sunday School but he is worried that the time commitment will detract from the time we spend together at weekends. I have already said that I will start off low key and take the boys about twice a month but if they enjoy it, I will take them as much as I can. Interestingly, we use to bless our meals before we had the twins but since the boys came along, that has fallen to the wayside. Maybe if I resurrect that, it will be a start.

I have bought children bibles already and I also bought a DVD aimed at children which shows stories from the Bible.

OP posts:

Stargazer · 04/12/2006 16:14

Well, I'm a non-believer, but if you feel that you want to go to church with your DTs - go. I'm sure your DH will go along with you when he's ready.

Original poster

speedymama · 04/12/2006 16:19

I guess at this time of year, one does try to remember why we celebrate Christmas and I want the boys to understand and know why Christmas is celebrated. I want them to know and understand the meaning of Jesus's birth, life and death.

(I know Christmas started of as a pagan ritual but it has moved on since then).

OP posts:

MaryBS · 04/12/2006 17:20

Have you a church in mind? When I started going to church here, I only went once a month, because it was a family service, and at that stage, there was no Sunday club.

Depending on how close your church is, you may only be talking about an hour out of your weekend, and so long as the rest of the time is quality time, will he complain that much? Maybe hold fire on getting too involved in Sunday school, while he gets used to the idea?

Unless you try it, you won't know, and anyway Christmas is a good time to start, you've got all those lovely carols for one thing!

My DH was concerned about MY time commitment, which, TBH, IS a fair amount now, but he seems to have got used to it. Bribery helps - I make him a rice pudding when I need to spend extra time at church - pander to his stomach!

twelvedaysofchristmas · 04/12/2006 17:26

If your partner is willing to support you going to church with the twins, even if he doesn't attend, then it should be ok I think. I'm sure lots of people in mixed religion marriages must find it hard, but they manage.

Perhaps you can explain to the DTS (if they ask), that Daddy worship God in a different way, but that it's MUCH more fun to go to Sunday school. When they're a bit older you can explain it better or he might have even decided to start coming with you.

loopity · 04/12/2006 17:48

Hi speedymama,

This is just like our family. I decided just to take dc's on my own on a Sunday. Dh only attends if there is something special that the children want him to go to, eg nativity play. Children haven't really commented yet as to why dh stays at home.

podglet · 04/12/2006 17:53

Hi,

I took my DS to church for the first time yesterday (he is only 4 weeks). My DP is not religious at all, so much so that he did not come into the church for a friends wedding or my friends twin's christening. he does not believe in anything at all.

However, he is more than supportive of my decision to take DS and my decision to have him baptised next spring. However, I do not expect him to even come into the church for that service.

I think what I am trying to say is that you seem to be in a similare position to me. go with your DT's and enjoy it. Your DH may come with you eventually but if not, I don't think it matters if he is supportive to you taking the twins

Ok, must stop rambling now...

SachaF · 04/12/2006 17:54

Speedymama,
You say that DH is resistant because to him it is boring. In that case it may be worth investigating a variety of churches. I always went to a very straight C of E church but my DH went to what he calls a 'happy clappy' church (like a soul church for white people). His sister now goes with her DH, DDs and DS to the family service. It's just another way of loving the same God, just people like to express themselves in different ways. There are such a variety of ways to 'worship' that it is worth investigating what the different churches in your area offer as one may suit your DH more than another.

greenday · 04/12/2006 17:59

Pray pray pray ...
I know I should pray more often, and I'm guilty of being lazy.
My DH is not averse to going to church.Although he doesn't like some aspects of it, he agrees with me on the importance of bringing our dd up on a strong spiritual foundation.
So when I remember to, I pray that my dh will one day be a believer himself.
Prayer is the most powerful ...

Twiglett · 04/12/2006 18:03

The Waltons managed

Daddy Walton NEVER went to church from what I remember

if the Waltons can do it . so can you

CorrieDale · 04/12/2006 18:09

Our marriage is mixed - RC and agnostic. But DH is really supportive and doesn't mind at all that DS has been baptised RC, and he and I go to mass most weekends. DH either has a lie-in or does the shopping on Sunday mornings. He then potters down to Church to meet us and we have the rest of the day together.

I'm so grateful that he's not just tolerant but supportive because my first husband was a complete arsehole about my faith - he was constantly making digs and once even refused to kneel at a neighbour's RC funeral (he hissed at me 'I'm not kneeling to your God'). And it wasn't as though I pushed God down his throat - in fact, I didn't go to Mass nearly as often as I do now, and I never talked about it, for obvious reasons. So, now I just thank God for my tolerant and lovely DH! He has asked if I want him to come with us and I always say it's entirely up to him - I don't want him to do anything he doesn't feel comfortable with. He likes our priest and has said that there's a friendly atmosphere at the church - if ever he decided to throw himself into it, I'd be delighted, but his agnosticism doesn't keep me awake at night. I reckon he's likely to beat me into heaven as it is!!!!

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 11:51

It's not easy, I know. I find it's when I'm at home, when I've been reading something in the Bible or another book, or praying, and I want to share it with my dh but I can't because he isn't on the same journey as me. Yet in other ways he is far more Christian than I am - and he does believe in a vague sort of a way. I've just started to take our dds to the local Baptist church after we left the Anglican one, there is a new pastor who is very child-friendly and dd1 loves it. Atm dh stays at home with baby ds but I am hoping he'll come at Christmas - I never ask him though and am reluctant even to pray about it - it seems to be his journey, not mine.

Anyway, I've said before on this site that I have some handouts from when I used to help at a service for under-fives, with ideas for faith-sharing at home. I'm happy to e-mail them to any mnetters who would like them.

Tortington · 05/12/2006 11:55

i took the kids to church and always had his support at home.

so when kids asked why dad didn't come we told them its becuase he didn't believe in god.

when they said " i don't either"
he would say " tough do as your mother says"!

so i took them to church all three on mi tod. sorted everything out on mi tod.

all the catholic ceremonies, after parties etc - on mi tod.

however he was always supportive of my religeon to the kids and thats important.

what is even nicer is that his family - brothers, mum etc all came to church when the kids were doing communion and confirmation.

that was nice.

so i think as long as your prepared to put the work in behind your conviction and he is prepared to support your beliefs in the home then thats fine.

we have a cross up in the living room
had priest round for tea
he always attends the special ceremonial catholic milestones.

however he doesn't attend easter or xmas - that niggles a little

but means he has tocook xmas dinner every year

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 12:02

I once had a conversation with a woman who prayed with her 6 yr old dd each night for her daddy to be converted so he wouldn't go to hell!

Tortington · 05/12/2006 12:07

what a nutter - she was fucking the devils servant i presume

foundintranslation · 05/12/2006 12:09

I'm CofE, married to a humanist, ds is 18 months. We're like Custy - religion is my business. ds is baptised - dh was present and helped with the party etc., but took no part in the service. I take ds to church when i go myself. We (well, I really, with dh agreeing) chose 5 godparents for ds - partly because of dh, to give me more support in ds's religious education, pattly because ds only has 1 set of grandparents in his life so it's nice for him to have further special relationships with adults.

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 12:11

custardo - she was a Reader in the CofE actually

liquidclocks · 05/12/2006 12:17

Hi speedymama - I'm in a mixed faith marriage - DH is a Buddhist and I'm a Christian. I try and take the children to church each Sunday but it does end up working out at about 2 Sundays per month at the moment as it's such hard work taking a baby and toddler on your own. DH is very supportive of me going and occaisionally comes to friend's children's baptisms and important events, That said I also support him and we go to his festivals as a family too.

It's hard work, and I do feel I miss out on having a full weekend with the whole family sometimes and sometimes I feel a tinge of envy when I see all my friends their with their DH's. But, all told, it's worth going and I'm sure DS1 and DS2 will benefit and so will I.

morningpaper · 05/12/2006 12:18

nearlythree

custardo

liquidclocks · 05/12/2006 12:20

Foundintranslation - I have an extra Godparent too for that extra support, it's really helpful!

Speedymama - if you can try and go somewhere with friends or join a house group so you don't feel on your own in the church while DTs are in sunday school - that was the biggest breakthrough I made when I moved to this town with DH.

MaryBS · 05/12/2006 12:46

They're a funny bunch, readers... I'd like to point out it wasn't me that N3 was talking about though! (I'm only a trainee anyhow!)

nearlythree · 05/12/2006 12:47

Original poster

speedymama · 05/12/2006 13:00

Thanks everyone. I'm really inspired now. I mentioned it to DH again yesterday and he is not negative about it but I can sense his apprehension.

One step at a time.

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