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Original poster

afraid of dying

42 replies

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:14

It sounds silly but I can't stop thinking that one day I will die and be no more. I'm not I'll (as far as I know) and know I'm lucky to have lived such a full life so far in which I've loved and been loved. But for some reason, when I'm tired or up in the night after feeding the baby I think about it and get so scared. I know it's inevitable and so there's not much point being worried but I can't help it. I wish I had been brought up in the church as perhaps then I'd feel the sense of peace many Christian folk I've met seem to emanate. But I find religion to be a leap of faith I cannot seem to make with my oh so logical and literal brain. Not sure what I am looking for with responses. Just wanted to write my fears in the hope it will somehow finish them.
Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:15

Oops meant diminish not finish

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Vivacia · 16/04/2015 20:20

When I had my first baby I went through a period of being so scared of dying. Partly it was because I was beyond tired but mainly it was the thought of my baby being without me. I don't know why I'm telling you this, only that you're not alone in having felt like this.

And now that I've had some good nights' sleep? Now death is not something that worries me. I'd be more worried about eternal life.

Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:25

vivacia I did wonder if my feelings are connected to the birth of my kids... I'd never really thought of the concept of eternal life - I guess that could become tiresome?

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ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/04/2015 20:27

I dont think anything tops becoming a parent in making you more aware of your own mortality.

After DC1 arrived, I even used to fret about my drive home from work (which I had done daily for the previous five years). Now DC2 is here and my younger SIL and (in the next few weeks) my Nan have died/are going to die, it is really at the forefront of my mind.

It doesnt prevent me doing anything, and my over riding concern is for those left behind (I have no faith so am certain I wont even know I am dead). The thought of my kids growing up without a mum. My dear husband having to remain behind and deal with everything. If I let it, it consumes me.

But I agree with pp, eternal life would definetly scare me more!

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 20:30

I had it was all of my children. I remember one morning waking up crying with the thought of what would happen to our new puppy if I died. I just kept thinking how confused she'd be that I wasn't there and nobody could explain to her. I mean, talk about hormones?

Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:31

think do you think you'd feel differently if you had a belief system? I sometimes wonder if I would be better able to cope with death if I knew where I was going or that it wasn't an absolute end. I think in the UK we have a very different view on death than in other countries where it is accepted as part of life and not feared.

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ovumahead · 16/04/2015 20:31

I'd say this sounds perfectly normal and reasonable! Especially if you're a parent. If you're interested in reading more I can highly recommend a book called The Denial Of Death by Ernest Becker. A fascinating book that discusses how many features of human life and the psychological struggles we face are all about hiding and denying our inevitable mortality. Fascinating stuff!

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 20:32

I think that a lot of people are religious because they fear death. And then they fear hell, so they have to believe even more fervently.

Do you take comfort from the science? The circle of life, the nature of atoms all that kind of stuff?

Shallishanti · 16/04/2015 20:32

yes, I think it's having that tiny baby totally dependent on you and knowing they will need you for the next 20+ years that makes you fear not being there for them. Is it your first? Maybe in a few months you'll be more used to the idea and so you'll feel less bothered. But if it's seriously preying on your mind, and interfering with you enjoying your time with your baby, perhaps some counselling would help.
I don't think religion would help, but then I'm a humanist, and I guess even religious folk hope to live long enough to raise their kids.

Vivacia · 16/04/2015 20:34

(Also, the thought of all of those babies in limbo - has to be one of Christianity's most chilling inventions and that's saying something).

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 16/04/2015 20:35

baba if I had a faith, at least my kids (and I) could console ourselves with the belief we would ome day be reunited.

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/04/2015 20:48

OP, when you die, you will not be no more. The atoms which make up your being have been in existence since the universe began and they will be around until it ends. Current scientific thinking believes that everything in our universe was one and when our universe eventually comes to an end, it will all be one again. You, me, our DCs, our earth and everything else.

Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:54

ovu thanks for the recommen faction - I will check out the book.
shall no. She's my second child but have felt this sense of feat before with first DD and predating her too. Strangely i seem to feel this way when I am happy. I wonder if I equate death with loss?
vivacia I too have struggled with the notion of fear and repentence associated with Christianity. The idea that we are all sinners. I do not what you mean by babies in limbo though - can you explain further?

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Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 20:56

dione that's amazing - thank you!
think perhaps we will be reunited with our kids in some way shape or form?

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ovumahead · 16/04/2015 20:58

It's not strange to contemplate your mortality when you're happy... I do this too. It's what makes the sweet moments so sweet - that we know and acknowledge that they are fleeting, that everything is fleeting. We need to know the pain of loss in order to.truly appreciate and experience the exhilaration of those moments. Just a sign that your brain is fully developed and most definitely human!

ovumahead · 16/04/2015 20:59

I have read some things that explain this much better and I'll try to find them for you.

Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 21:14

ovu thank you. I know it's logical to feel sad when considering death as it means (unless you are religious) a seperation from your loved ones. The sense of sheer love I feel for my DDs is balanced I guess by the thought of not being there for them or being there to enjoy their lives and achievements. My DHs dad died when he was in his 20s and so we are so aware of loss and how this affects a young adult. I've no reason to think I won't live another 40 years but somehow I still fear an absolute end..

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ovumahead · 16/04/2015 21:49

It is very scary isn't it, when you consider the harsh reality of death. It sounds to me like you may be wasting some very precious time worrying about something or.a particular pattern of events that may never happen. When you do that, acknowledge the potential sadness but then try to refocus on the present moment and reality as it is now. Most importantly, don't beat yourself up for having these thoughts!

Original poster

babaluscious · 16/04/2015 21:58

ovu I do feel like I'm wasting time thinking about this but these thoughts creep into my head late at night or when I have any downtime (I'm constantly busy working FT with two kids under 5). I wish I could stop thinking about it. Maybe I should counter these thoughts by focussing on the now as you suggest.

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ovumahead · 16/04/2015 22:01

Also the harder you try not to think about something, the more you will think about it, and will notice and be bothered when you think about it. Just try to accept the thoughts as natural, notice them without trying to push them away, then refocus on something in the present moment...

ovumahead · 16/04/2015 22:04

Sounds easy but it might take some practice! I guess what I'm.saying is that it's not the thoughts themselves that are problematic, it's the meaning and importance you're giving them which is the cause of the stress. You can't choose not to have some thoughts but not others, unfortunately! But you can work on your interpretations,meanings and importance you give them.

Stealthpolarbear · 16/04/2015 22:07

worry about this too bith leaving children but also selfishly I want to be around. I can't get my head around simply not being. then I realised the world was like that, I was like that until 1979. so on death presumably I will revert to that. that helped, a little bit :)

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2015 22:20

babaluscious I know what you mean, having a baby really makes it all seem quite amazing, that we are here at all.

I hope you will not worry too much and will enjoy this special time.

But maybe God is reaching out to you. as a Christian I believe that God is there, that he cares for us and about us, just as you care for your little ones.

It's not all about sin and stuff, although we are not perfect, none of us would claim to be surely. But I do believe that faith makes life better. Please do feel free to ask me anything here or by pm.

Just so you know I have been a Christian over 30 years. It was a concious decision, although for some others who grow up in a Chri8stai home it is more of a gradual thing.

You may find that your thoughts and ideas and preconceptions about faith are both right and wrong! In one way it can make life and death easier but sometimes harder! It is not so much a destination, although I do believe most definitely that there is a heaven, but it is also a journey, a pilgrimage/pathway/walk through life. It can be dull and full, rich and rewarding and down right annoying. It adds another layer to life. IMHO.

I am C of E and I feel the C of E (church of England) offers the widest possible range of options from 'high church' (candles, bells and smells and older hymns) to lively (hands clapping, more modern tunes) to just the right in the middle! We (Anglicans) are often accused of being wishy washy, but I like to think we are open, to all people and welcoming, and just trying to move along together on life journey.

I hope you get some answers.

I can't believe I am going to share this clip but as an idea of what faith is like, this one I just found sums up some aspects of it. If you think of the actor preparing for the role of a Christian, not just a vicar, and sharing his honest views as a non-Christian about his experiences with church' then I think it is more persuasive than a lot of specifically evangelicalism church stuff!

It begins with him one what he thinks is a silent retreat!...

www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-15673511

lostinindia · 16/04/2015 22:22

What a brilliant thread. I too get scared and have to drag my thoughts back into the present. It makes me try and live in the moment and enjoy the small wonderful moments. My eldest asked me what death was like and I repeated what I'd read on here - I asked her if she remembered life before she was born, as that's what it would be when she was no longer here. But oh how wonderful it would be to meet relatives and friends again. My grandmother believed she would and I'm glad for her. She took a lot of comfort from her belief.

Italiangreyhound · 16/04/2015 22:22

Christian homes not Chri8stai home!!!

on what he thinks is a silent retreat!

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