Giving up Christianity

[Love51]

I have been an active Christian for a long time. I've been heavily involved in the church my whole life - I did my "gap" year working for a Christian organisation, have done preaching, worship leading, PCC, etc. I've always had a church, whenever I've moved house I would find a church soon. I've been "questioning" my faith for quite a while, but was so invested in the church I didn't really feel safe to move on. The church is like my extended family, but closer, and they don't have to stay for days on end when they visit! Just this week I've come to a realisation that it (Christianity) is all wrong. So, I'm wondering if anybody else has "lost their faith" later in life, and how they went about moving in with their lives.

I've been a Christian so long that I don't know how to move on past that, it feels like I've decided to start drowning kittens or something. How do you deal with that huge dent in your identity?

I have always been involved with church. I love going to church.

But, I don't believe.

I do sometimes feel like a fraud. I rationalise it quite well to myself, but would struggle to explain my thought processes to anyone else. There's a website that is helpful, I try to find it and post a link.

Hi Love. Realised I no longer believed in the Christian god about 4 years ago in my late thirties but this was after many years of mini revelations that things didn't add up. You've probably done more mental work than you realise but even so it does feel a bit odd doesn't it. It will probably make less difference day to day than you think. How have your Christian friends taken it? I know what you mean about the comforting community aspect of church. I'd like that sometimes but I think that's more about nostalgia than the loss of support as I have plenty of loving friends and family. My husband, who lost faith long before me said he was only ever a nominal Christian and it was because he thought it was what good people were and I know what he means. Obviously what makes you a good person is your own moral code outside of Christianity, I assume you didn't drown kittens before Christianity? :) I haven't drowned any since realising I no longer believed it, I did eat the last of my dd's chocolate buttons while she was in bed last night though, which is probably almost as bad?

That's a good Clive, who says you can't go to church just for the community? My dad did for a while when he was recovering from depression and he was honest about his lack of belief and they were more than welcoming.

This is it. Sea of Faith

Have a look at Sunday assembly

I hope this is helpful to you.

Thank you both for responding.

Clive please do post the link. It hadn't occurred to me that their may be an entire site about this kind of thing.

No, Head I've never drowned a kitten, but yes have always eaten the children's chocolate! You ask how people have taken it - I haven't told anyone yet. I only really decided for sure in church today, although, as you say, its been a process. I probably need to tell them, don't I. My kids love it at church, they get a lot of fuss and care. I'm booked onto an away day in a couple of weeks, I kind of still want to go, but I'm not sure why.

I always had Christian God to go to and don't know how I'll get through the bad times alone!

There were only two post when I started my reply! Will look at the links. Are they about losing faith or faithless religion? I'm OK with faithless religion, I know non-believers who attend religious services for various reasons. But its not the same as being part of a faith community where you share belief. I'm not sure what I believe now or where I will find others who have a vague and fuzzy hope rather than sure and certain faith.

Sea of Faith is for those who have lost or are questioning faith.

I probably need to tell them

Do you? I guess it's up to you and what you feel you want to do.

don't know how I'll get through the bad times alone

You didn't get through them alone, you found ways of coping that you will still draw strength from such as talking to friends and thinking of solutions and so on. I'm certain that your belief in god was by no means the biggest source of support. It might feel like that but I'm sure as time moves on and you face trails and tribulations where you problem solve without a belief in god you will feel more confidence in your ability to deal with difficulties, which is always a good thing :)

I always had the Christian god to go to - no, you didn't, because he was never there. You did it on your own - that strength you found when times were hard, that you were told came from outside of yourself, from god, from heaven, that was always, always coming from within you. That same strength is still there now; it will always be there. And it will only grow stronger now that you know it's true nature.

*its! Sodding phone auto correct!

Honestly I moved to the Quakers. All the benefits of a faith community but you can believe what you like (or what you must/ actually do personally believe)

If you are following the promptings of love and truth in your heart (which I'm sure you are, especially truth!) then this is all fine amongst Friends/Quakers

So, give us a try if you feel the need

Also like what BossWitch was saying - whatever has been there helping you through difficult times is still there. Just maybe your understanding of it has changed?

OP if I were you I would just carry on going to church in the meantime, there's absolutely no need to make changes to what you are doing at this point unless you feel you have to. When I was still going through the process I thought 'if there is a god worth knowing who is personally interested in me he would want me to explore my thoughts and respect my intellect, and he would also be gentle with me during this process and allow me the time to think'. Unfortunately he gave me so much time I decided it was all made up! Oops.

Thank you bosswitch I think this is what I mean - I have certain thought patterns /ways of phrasing stuff that made sense in the 'old' paradigm that don't really make sense any more.

Juggling I would love to try out the Quakers. But we don't have one in my town. I have been considering visiting the nearest one for quite a while (now my youngest is nearly weaned off breastfeeding it might be time!) I feel that the only teaching I haven't rejected is "God is Love".
Is there an expectation of weekly meeting at Quakers? It would require a huge logistical maneovre for me to get there and I'm not sure I could do it more than monthly, at least until the kids are bigger.

Yes, I do need to tell them. I've been at my current church for 10 years since I moved here, and I will miss them greatly (I will keep in touch with some but its not the same as being in the same place doing the same thing as a group). I just need to figure out whether to do it before the away day, or after.

Got to care for kids now, but will be back. Thank you all for your help. Will be considering it as I get on with my day.

Fascinating thread, following with interest. Haven't ever been particularly religious, but married in church because it just felt right, and DC attended CofE school because it was 'the best' school around. We moved to a southern USA state a few year ago where people are extremely driven by their faith, almost to the point of obsession, and seeing this extreme behaviour has made me question what I really believe. I'm totally happy with evolution but I'd never be comfortable 'coming out' as a nonbeliever where we currently live, because I know it wouldn't go down well, isn't that crazy?! So I'm going to keep my thoughts to myself. But I feel a kind if peace now, after really exploring my thoughts and coming to my own conclusion. It feels great!

If you can get to that Quaker Meeting you're thinking of even once or twice you might find some sympathetic listening - many Friends have been refugees from other churches seeking a path that feels right for them.
And no, there's not really an expectation to go every week, especially for someone traveling a significant distance who also has a young family - and just exploring Quakers too.

We're honestly not usually this "evangelistic" either. I just think it's a possible source of support for you that you might value. You can only try and see after all?

Sea of faith is a very interesting movement. Theres also the progressive christian movement which is similar. I will reply to this thread later when not on phone. Regardless of what you decide re telling people, this is a big loss. But i also think it can be a very positive and freeing step to make. (speaking from experience)

It may be that you are experiencing something well known to Christians which has been called the desert or the dark night of the soul where faith changes from something comfortable and boundaried into something much like wrestling with mystery and paradox. In the US which this is called progressive or emerging Christianity. It is harder to pin down in the UK but there is lots of it in the C of E.

So maybe do what you need to do for now to give yourself space and that might be time away from church or a different church or with the Quakers or Sunday Assembly or just walking and connecting with nature.

If you come from an evangelical stream then the book 'Chrysalis' by Alan Jamieson is really helpful. If you are from a more catholic stream then 'When the Well Runs Dry; Prayer beyond the beginning' might ring some bells. It helped me a lot.

I think the problem is that the God I was believing in can't exist. So I'm left with a void and its hard working out what to do with that. It feels quite lonely, yet thinking about it, the world is full of people who have left their faiths.

Cheese I see what you mean about it being freeing. It is also quite scary!

Thanks to all of you for your perspectives. Lots to think about! - I will be re-reading over the next few days.

Having been through this my advice would be to see it all as part of your life or faith journey. I really like the journey analogy and find it very helpful
I'm sure you'll find that wherever the path takes you there is much more to discover .....
It doesn't only have to be the end of something, it can be a beginning of something else, and a continuance too if you want to see it that way?

Personally overjoyed to hear you haven't rejected God is Love. Because what else is there?

I come from such a different angle to you - I have never been comfortable in a church, never settled with 'churchianity', never found a meaningful or supportive community within the church. I go, but to the shortest service I can find which serves breakfast afterwards . I find Christians thoroughly revolting and weird. I accept that's as much my problem as theirs.

Although it hurts and it's lonely, the freedom is immense. This could be frightening, of course, particularly if you are used to relating to god through a community, a culture. Ime God has nothing very little to do with that weird culture. But I would say that.

I think you're going to find it liberating and wonderful, though scary, to take off all the christian/church clothes and see what you find.

Btw I became a Christian through a Victorian cross stitch God Is Love sampler on a wall (which I had seen a thousand times before, incidentally). I didn't want to be a Christian, it frightened me to death. Things have come and gone - mostly gone - but the God is Love thing has never changed. What else is there.

Like you, I was very involved in the church and I lost my faith gradually over a couple of years, but when the final break came it was an immense relief. I don't have to do any of the impossible squaring of 'why bad things happen to good people' or rationalising the irrational.

I keep quiet about it because a lot of people I love & respect are Christians, but I don't lie.

In reality, there is so much in the world to fill that church-shaped hole, friendships to build, experiences to embrace. I have to confess, I do miss the singing though. Very hard to find a good old sing-song outside the church

I go to a kind of Christian gig sometimes, Pussycat, just for the singing. It's dark; most there are circa 18-22 so I don't know a soul and I have a good sing. The band is so loud I can't even hear myself but its good to let go and sing from the core.

Very hard to find a good old sing-song outside the church

Well now, let me introduce you to a certain Mr Barry Manilow.:)

I remember very early on in my journey away from faith saying that whatever else I came to reject/let go of I knew that my love for humanity would never change and was non-negotiable.

Some lovely recent posts here .. lovely to hear about the victorian cross-stitch sampler springydaffs
A poster outside a Quaker Meeting House spoke to me strongly with it's simple message of "All welcome" - and encouraged me to step inside!

Beautiful thoughts headinhands about never losing that love for humanity and this being non-negotiable. I think it is easier to love more with simpler beliefs myself, or perhaps it's with increasing maturity and experience too?
A simple empathy can be a very strong thing I think?

On the singing - I wish I had a stronger voice as I have enjoyed the experience of singing together. Quakers are surprisingly musical these days and many find ways to squeeze in some communal singing at various events. The words are always very simple and beautiful too