I've lost my faith- and I work for a church.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

I don't really even knot what I'm hoping to achieve by writing here, but it's anonymous so I'm hoping it might help.

I work for a church as a children's worker, and before that as a community worker. About a fortnight ago my boss spoke to me and said I wasn't spiritually engaged enough and so think about my position there.

She is right, I don't pray or read the bible much. I've been diagnosed with a couple of mh conditions recently and it's been since then mainly.

All my housemates go to different churches, so I'm planning on going to one tomorrow evening. I know a lot of the staff and leadership at other churches so I'm trying to not go when I should be at my church, if that makes sense.

Caulkhead... I hope you don't mind, but I've added you to the prayer list over on our new prayer thread here. Do come and join us if you think it would be helpful. Even if you don't feel able to pray yourself, it may help to lurk and read and to know that others are praying for you. I'm sorry that you're in this difficult situation, and wish I had something more concrete to suggest. What I really want to say is that it's OK to have doubts, and perhaps more-than-normal to have doubts when there are so many other worries assailing you... I came back to faith after nearly 30 years doubting!

Thanks that's really kind. I do lurk there occasionally so maybe I will lurk in a more active way.

Thinking of you!

I have found John Pritchard's books: God lost and found and Beginning again on the Christian journey very beautiful and helpful. He is leading a pilgrimage to Israel that I am booked on, so I thought I'd better read something he had written. It was really good. I'm only partway through the second book.

Thanks I'll have a look.

I hope today was ok Caulk. Thinking of you x

Thank you. I'm hoping to make it to church this evening, there is a huge church nearby and so I can sort of blend in I think.

Just read this Caulkhead and wanted to send my support also. I've been through times like this and it's so, so tough, especially when you don't feel supported by those around you and your boss. it sounds to me like you've been giving, giving, giving for years now and possibly not had time or space to recieve for yourself and build up your own faith if that makes any sense - we all need time out, and church leadership is so very full on - we need to somehow find that time away from our own situation. I know this very well. You sound like you need some gentle care for yourself with the MH issues and to get on a good regime of meds/therapy etc, and perhaps being the only one in leadership might be too much at the moment? Not sure what to suggest, but time for a retreat somewhere may be good - you say you don't know how to re-connect with God, so maybe it's up to God here to re-connect with you, but getting some space where you can have some quiet may be a good opportunity. I agree completely with the pps who said 'choose to believe' too - sometimes it's all we can do, the feelings aren't there but we make the choice anyway - and God honours that, I think. I find Psalm 42 really good for times like this -

'Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.'

I hope and pray things feel better for you soon. Take care of yourself and get some good support.

Thanks. It feels weird writing it and being in this place after we last spoke -when I was heading off to speak at new wine.
I did an amazing retreat in the autumn, designed for people in church leadership in times of crisis and it was great. I just haven't sustained that.
Yesterday I went to the big church nearby, and it was good to be somewhere that I wasnt leading.

How are you doing Caulkhead ?