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Philosophy/religion

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Original poster

I've lost my faith- and I work for a church.

36 replies

CaulkheadUpNorth · 29/01/2015 22:05

I don't really even knot what I'm hoping to achieve by writing here, but it's anonymous so I'm hoping it might help.

I work for a church as a children's worker, and before that as a community worker. About a fortnight ago my boss spoke to me and said I wasn't spiritually engaged enough and so think about my position there.

She is right, I don't pray or read the bible much. I've been diagnosed with a couple of mh conditions recently and it's been since then mainly.

OP posts:

FaithLoveandGrace · 30/01/2015 07:06

Hi Caulk it can be really difficult keeping the faith when you struggle with MH issues. I find it difficult to pray / read the bible when things are hard. Do you think you're finding it hard because things are tough atm? I read an article recently about how we shouldn't base our faith on how we feel and I have to remind myself of that often. Do you think deep down you know God is with you but it's hard to accept right now?

Seriouslyffs · 30/01/2015 07:20

at your boss!
I hope she offered more support than that.
I'm in a similar role I think, and it's the job and my colleagues that sustain my faith- we pray together and for each other, it's a safe place to get support.
Unless you're stomping round blaspheming and quoting Richard Dawkins saying that should have been the very last thing she tried after many many other ways of offering you support.
Some practical things. Get a daily supportive email. I read Joel Osteen but I know lots don't like him; he gets confused with prosperity gospel rubbish, but I find it very MH focused and positive. I'm happy to research some.
And sometimes you just have to say,
'I choose to believe'

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 07:28

Thanks for the replies folks. The supportiveness of my boss led to "think about if this is the right place for you".
The church I work for is Anglo-Catholic, and so although we pray together it is following a set liturgy. My work involves a lot of support work, especially for women and many of them have or have had depression. Due to this my boss has requested I don't speak to anyone at work about how I'm feeling, which I understand but can be quite isolating.
I want to have the relationship with God that I have in the past, and I hear my friends saying stuff, and I just feel so far away from that, I don't know how to begin again.

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 30/01/2015 07:49

There are 2 things going on here.
Your MH issues and faith
The lack of support you're getting.
Do you get clinical supervision? That's a safe place to talk about issues that affect home and work.

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 09:12

No supervision. We see each other about three out of five days, and and feels that is enough. In the past I've asked for more formal supervision, and we've had possibly eight of them in three years.
The other issue is that she is the curate and leaves next week, so we will be in interregnum. I'll be the only member of staff, and the only person in a place of leadership. We will have visiting priests each Sunday.
The loss of faith stuff has got to a point where I'm embarrassed to talk to even my Christian friends about it, because I feel like such a failure!

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 30/01/2015 09:23

You're not a failure. Church history is full of people being tested. I'm not very 'bibled' but I do know it's full of it! Job? Even Christ felt forsaken. I'm Catholic, so I know what you mean about liturgy rather than prayer. It's the great strength and weakness of our church.

Choose to believe.
But also be prepared to 'rev it up'. You have employment rights and at the moment you're not being supported.

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 09:34

Thanks.
Choosing to believe is a really helpful thing to be reminded of. The making of the conscious step to do it. I've just downloaded an app with a bible reading in and a message type thing, a bit like an email, and I'll look up the one you suggested too.

OP posts:

bigbluestars · 30/01/2015 11:11

Are you in a position where you are supposed to be teaching the word of god to kids then I think your boss has a point. It is hard to indoctrinate children if you are not a believer.

capsium · 30/01/2015 14:05

It sounds to me OP like you are going to make some positive moves to reaffirm your faith. Everybody in the church needs to be supported in their faith...so you equally should be able to get support in this. Have you access to another church who may help you?

I think getting through a crisis of faith could actually make you better in doing your work within the church. It means you will be able to truly empathize with others going through similar situations.

The thing is "Christ died for the ungodly." (Romans 5:6) That is all of us, as we are all fallible. If we were perfect, why would He have done this? So not being perfect / going through health issues and doubts makes you the same as everyone else in the church. I have heard said before, doubts serve to show us that we do have free will to believe or not. So yes, I think what Seriously said is right, you have to choose to believe to continue in faith.

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 14:16

her leaving may be a good thing as in giving you some space. her approach sounds far from helpful and far from responsible given she'll be walking away shortly and essentially is encouraging you to walk away which would leave the church in what state exactly? it sounds i'm afraid like her words are neither based on pastoral care for you or care for the church and it's members - one could easily be led to think she hasn't thought about either in such careless words to be honest.

the other thing i wanted to ask is if you are taking medication. medication is necessary sometimes and i'm not discouraging (i'm taking it myself) but one of the known side effects sometimes at least initially is a sort of numbing of feelings and these, ime, are not only feelings of arousal and love but also of spirituality and faith. please hang in there. think about it this way (and this comes from someone whose own faith is fairly unorthodox to say the least) any relationship is fluid and subject to periods of intense intimacy and more distant periods and times where it is challenged by one person having a lot on their plate and little or no mental or emotional space for being available let alone immersed in deep intimacy and connection. if human beings can get that and give the space required in a healthy relationship then how much more so would a divine being be able and willing to do so?

maybe the space you are feeling in your relationship/faith is the gift of respect and head space and freedom to take time for you? who knows.

i really wouldn't let those words bother you. again the curate hasn't considered your welfare or that of the church and it's members that they are about to leave in saying this to you. if you can't be strong for faith currently be strong for you and for the people who rely on and if you can't 'believe' wholeheartedly for now then think in terms of 'if'. if there was a god that you once fully believed in what would that god want you to do? if you really do have the mission you thought you had what would be the right thing to do etc?

just keep going and see where things land. but do reach out for support wherever you can get it be it christian or otherwise with your mh problems - it is hard stuff to get through whatever your belief system and sometimes beliefs make it even harder especially if others are making you feel like a failure for being human x

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 14:20

just in case one of my points wasn't absolutely clear - this curate is walking away from a church leaving it without a leader and with you as the only member of staff shortly and yet they are encouraging you to leave and to therefore leave the church and it's members without any pastoral support or staff.

does this sound like someone caring for the members of the church? if not, are they someone whose opinion and assessment of things is one which you should take to heart?

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 14:26

Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it.
My diagnosis is borderline personality disorder and bi polar, so in on a fair mix of medication which is helping, but it is dulling things a little. The medication I'm on is especially so I don't feel things as deeply so I guess it makes sense that this is spiritual stuff too.

I'm yet to find spiritual support that get the mh side of things too. There is one person in the diocese who specialises in it, but has told my boss they can't see me, as I have a private therapist, which is fair.

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 14:35

it's tricky to find someone who can handle both sides as they've tended to have such walls between them. there can be books out there that help though and no, don't underestimate the effects of meds. if they are dulling feelings and responses in relationships elsewhere then they will here too itms.

for now, as in the rest of life, you have to keep on going and go through the motions despite feeling off kilter. we accept and expect side effects in other areas and feelings and functions initially so why not this area too? give yourself time x

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 14:36

That makes sense.
Thanks.

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 15:15

yw. besides which if it comes to it there are other people to work for and they usually pay more, offer more supervision and other support and don't expect the moon on a stick from you on account of you sharing a belief system. i've never worked for a church but my sister did for a while and the expectations, given she was already working on a much reduced salary in order to work for the church, were crazy.

always options!

for now though just take care of yourself and give yourself time to get settled x

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 15:17

I'm applying for other stuff at the moment.

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 15:19

from what i've seen outside looking in wise it's better to work elsewhere and volunteer for the church. it can be an awful lot of pressure to work for them. especially if you're on a part time salary with full time expectations PLUS expecting voluntary stuff on top and little comprehension of your own life of things to do as a woman. i've seen people stretched awfully thin with very little compassion ironically

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 15:20

and not feeling able to stand up for themselves and point out what their contracted role and hours are like they would in another role because of the blurred lines and their guilt/feelings of obligation despite how they're being treated iyswim.

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 15:22

Wow yes that's exactly it. I end up feeling that I won't be good enough for anything else because I'm not good enough for this role and other people do what I do voluntarily. That's what it feels like anyway.

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 15:45

ok so maybe best course of taking care of yourself is to get a job elsewhere where boundaries and limits are respected rather than trodden all over with sanctimony.

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 15:47

and imvho it is very, very hard to maintain faith when too closely involved with the inner machinations of church politics and life at the best of times let alone when you are really struggling and feeling the irony of the utter lack of support and compassion coming from the very people who 'claim' to be the body of christ for example.

AHatAHatMyKingdomForAHat · 30/01/2015 15:55

Er, no-one else has pointed this out so I'm going to:

It is OK to not believe in God.

If your whole life is within the church that might be hard to see.

Maybe you could focus on bringing good to the world instead of trying to rekindle your faith in God. Your description of your work sounds like you have a lot to offer to all sorts of organisations.

Original poster

CaulkheadUpNorth · 30/01/2015 15:59

I've believed in God in the past, and it isn't that I've stopped believing In favour of becoming an atheist, more that I've sort of just drifted away. Which is hard as I can't access faith and spirituality stuff at church, courses, groups etc as I'm meant to be leading them.

Thank you all for replying and being so kind to me!

OP posts:

TheHoneyBadger · 30/01/2015 16:04

you may or may not come back to it but it likely won't be through the church. the church is sort of... well you've worked for it so you've seen the man behind the curtain. spirituality and meaning etc can be found anywhere and everywhere, whatever form it takes for you at that time.

all that matters really is getting well and being able to give what you have to give to those who need it without the... structure around that giving making you ill. from a religious perspective, if that's one you want to keep, let's face it - the temples made jesus sick with anger at their hypocrisy and wrong headedness

newlark · 31/01/2015 21:00

Is there another church you can visit e.g. for an evening service to reconnect with God where you aren't known? It must be a very hard position to be in feeling that you have some responsibility for/input into others spiritual progress when you feel far from God yourself. My other suggestion is to try reading/praying through the psalms - there is a full range of raw, honest emotions there including times when the psalmist feels far from or abandoned by God.

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