Christian in an absolute pickle here

[springysofa]

Some really terrible things have happened on the domestic front (my kids) and I seem to have descended into a seething mass of resentment, anger, unforgiveness, despair - etc. All the etcs.

Although I believe totally, I can't see the point of anything that goes on in the church. I don't know what they're doing, feel a genuine confusion when they're doing what, to me, looks weird, irrelevant, bewildering. I find christians just too weird for words and can barely stand to spend time with them.

I go to a very big church and I have grave concerns about the running of the church - nothing new there if I'm honest - but I feel the deepest resentment and outrage towards this particular church. They are of the 'overcomers' persuasion and have no time for the broken-hearted. I also find them desperately middle class and smug and I feel entirely out of step with most things that go on. There is a big clique at the core of the church and it sometimes feels that we're all watching a party we're not invited to.

I have approached the pastor about my awful situation and the bottom line is that he doesn't want to know. The pastoral leader (what a joke!) is only interested in success and fame, from what I can see - someone like me with my broken heart is bad for the image and she just doesn't want to know; and has been very scathing towards me personally. She points me to a high-profile case where a member of the congregation lost a child in a senseless accident (made national headlines) and chides me that the mother has 'moved on' and is 'an overcomer', clearly stating that if she can do it then so should I. Although I don't know the mother personally, therefore can't comment on her journey towards some sense of peace, I feel seething hatred towards a culture that blames the victim.

I'm not the easiest customer. I am hurting soooo much. I don't know where to go, where I can find some basic common sense, from people who don't use God to avoid the sometimes gruesome realities of life.

I don't want to hate them but at the moment I could gun them down, frankly.

springy, i really feel for you. You seen to be so full of questions about every single thing. Every facet of religion , relationship, rules, inclinations, people and life . I very much admire how you still seem to have a strong faith and have a knowledge that God is real, true and the Answer.

I feel so much in common with you, but feel that i have now chosen an easier path than you. Not particularly the best one either, the one i chose. I have stopped thinking so much about the why's and wherefores . Stopped trying to figure out so much of life. I couldn't make sense of so much, us and God , that i stopped trying.

I am not suggesting you do that. But maybe just trying to lay some of there burdens and questions down before God and just giving them to him, might just allow your heart and your head some time to breathe, rest and have some peace?

Hi,thanks for replies. I've been off-radar for a while (at least re MN) and I suppose I have stepped back generally. I'm actually embroiled in a huge wrangle with my therapist, which is not going well ( - should be the precise place one should be able to have an almighty humdinger) but in a strange way it is giving me the space to really be outrageous have it out. Perhaps that's all I need/ed.

I am having some quiet times (not as in Quiet Times lol!) with God, sitting on a chair given to me by my children when things were going well. I call it The Good Mother chair. I'm taking it easy and I'm certainly getting something out of it, if not a moment to stop. We are talking 'moment' here because I can't hack it for long but, tbf, it's better than nothing.

This is going to sound so flakey. But I had a dream some years back. Well, nightmare, really.

It was set in a cinema and the place was under siege (a bit like the terrible Chechnya theatre siege. The dream was before that siege). People were running around, desperately trying to get safe; there were small fires dotted around. I was at the back, watching. Then in the centre, diagonally across the auditorium, a HUGE 'man' crashed down - a giant, easily 60ft tall. It was 'wooden' and lifeless, like a wooden doll of a man, in a suit, with arms clamped at its sides, fixed smiley face, eyes open and unseeing ). I said 'who is that?' and someone said 'it's the church'.

At the time I was going to the toff church but it was in the early, happy days, before things started to look dodgy (to me).

I wonder what the most recent ex church would say to Jeremiah: get over yourself Jeremiah, you're an overcomer, just believe.

springy it makes a lot of sense. Tbh I think getting to know yourself spiritually and where you are is a good thing right now, churches will always be around but there is only one you!

Hi Springy
Have you heard of Scargill House?
www.scargillmovement.org/

I think it is the sort of place that might help you. I've had several friends who have been there when working through difficult and traumatic things and have found it gently and sensitively helpful. There's no pressure to join in activities if you don't want to, but opportunity to talk if you want to.

Have a look at their programme of events and see if anything appeals, but you can also just go and stay there outside of any particular programme!

thanks garti. I've had a look and I've found some useful links my way, emailed, fingers crossed (well, you know what I mean!). I'd love to go but feel I need about a year's ministry tbf. Bad place at the moment (can it get worse? yes!), prayers appreciated.

LittleBaby what is the 'it' that makes a lot of sense?

springy, just to say I am praying for you and standing with you in this difficult time

Thank you madhair, that is a great help.