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Original poster

Christians, please, especially, help

85 replies

MrsFrederickWentworth · 29/06/2013 22:14

My DM, v d, is frail in mind, body and spirit.

She is terrified of death and of extinction.

A simple statement about Jesus or God or love or heaven doesn't do it for her and who can say she is wrong. She has been a practising Christian all her life but it isn't a consolation now.

We have enlisted the professionals but we, her family, need to help too.

Can you help? How can we comfort her?

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 01/07/2013 09:45

I am a little confused.

At this point, is your mum not sure that she id going to Heaven?
Has she always doubted that?

zulubump · 01/07/2013 10:23

Hi OP, so sorry to hear of what your mum is going through and it must be heartbreaking for you. Lots of good advice on hear and I hope it helps. One thing I thought I'd ask is whether you pray out loud together? When I was becoming a Christian there were so many aspects of religion that scared me (Hell being one of them) and I thought I'd never get there - to faith that is. One big thing that helped was to hear other Christians praying out loud for me. I found it so moving to know that others cared enough that they would speak to God on my behalf. And it helped me to voice my fears and to ask God for help and to eventually trust him. I often ended up crying, but I wasn't crying alone - iyswim. Just a thought.

madhairday · 01/07/2013 12:09

Your poor mum and poor you. This must be such a very difficult time. There have been lots of wonderful words on this thread.

Did your mum ever read the Narnia books to you as a child? Perhaps if so, and if she was fond of them, you could read some scenes (thinking specifically final chapter of the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, when Reepicheep goes to 'Aslan's Country' - so beautifully described, and the Last Battle, with them going 'further up and further in') - sometimes words like this can help a little. I suppose it's also communicating to her that it is nothing she has to do. She can simply be.

Deuteronomy 29:33 'the eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.'

Prayers for you and your mum.

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 01/07/2013 19:49

Thank you.

I don't know, to be honest, what is going on.

I think.she is terrified of not existing, being expunged or else being an unhappy piece of matter. Loss of herself, which she is facing day to day as sight and memory go.

I have tried to say that love conquers all, used the image of the hen and her brood, quoted her achievements which are many and varied .

But nothing gets through

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 01/07/2013 21:47

Her spirit will carry on.
Does she realise that?
Perhaps she is remembering something from somewhere that is upsetting her?

And her body will be in the grave.

So she will most definitely carry on.

PandaG · 01/07/2013 21:53

was reading thread through and about to post the Deut passage, and see that Mad has got there before me a few posts up. LIfting you and your mum up in prayer.

yamsareyammy · 01/07/2013 21:54

www.gotquestions.org/what-happens-death.html

this link may help?

Littleballofhate · 01/07/2013 22:35

Thinking and praying for you both..

thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts · 02/07/2013 08:06

Sounds old fashioned I know but can you get her priest or the chaplain to see her? One of the things I've noticed when working as a chaplain is that we are told a lot of stuff that people don't want to tell their families. Some of it is major league but often it isn't but it is causing a huge amount of distress. An authority figure who can say that x is forgiven can be very powerful at this stage. It is almost as if chaplains give permission to put down baggage that has been carried so long that it is almost comforting in its weight. I hope that made sense?

It may be of course that your mother's anxieties are part of her medical condition. I've seen this as well and it is very distressing and if you add in failing memory then the strain on the family can be huge. Could music or a holding cross or a picture help?

yamsareyammy · 02/07/2013 16:49

She may also find Holy Communion in her own home comforting.

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 04/07/2013 07:21

Green and yams and all,

Thank you.all so much.

DSis and I have put in quite a lot of help, in that the wonderful NSM is going to see her regularly and I think bring Communion, a great friend who is a lay reader has been and I hope will come in more, and the vicar will come by.

We are also fixing up an old age psychologist.

Now we need to think what we can say as family. And loving daughters.

So hard. She has lost a great friend recently and that makes things harder.

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 04/07/2013 08:37

Losing her friend recently isnt going to help. Was the friend a Christian?
Didnt know there were old age psychologists.

The bereavement board on MN is good I think.
They may be able to help you further with some things.

You and your sister sound very helpful and loving.

springytata · 04/07/2013 10:03

She appears to feel she is not loved by God, or important to him. Perhaps that's a lot to do with 'religion' ie a stern, disinterested God (when he is the very opposite!). Her views of what could happen to her do suggest abandonment. What was her relationship like with her own dad/parents?

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 05/07/2013 12:04

Springy, I think the lack of love from her mother is at the root of all of this.

OP posts:
springytata · 05/07/2013 14:25

Sad - just goes to show how long these wounds can last. I could cry for her, bless her.

I have been healed of similar abandonment. I'm not whole (yet! ever?) but I do know I am loved, that he loves me dearly and that I am welcome. imo healing of these deep emotional/psychological wounds is precisely his forte, where he excels.

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 05/07/2013 16:04

It's how to get there that is so hard.

All, your prayers and thoughts are greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
yamsareyammy · 05/07/2013 16:27

Psalm 27 v 10

If my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.

I love that verse.
That might help?

springytata · 05/07/2013 16:32

Ask for his healing of this terrible wound. Isaiah 61 says

1-7 The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me
because God anointed me.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace?
a celebration of God?s destruction of our enemies?
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.

He's not going to give ashes when you ask for roses. My guess is he's been trying to get her healed all her life but she didn't realise it and hasn't cooperated iyswim.

I don't know where you are in the world but you could possibly contact Ffald-y-brenin in Wales. Some amazing stuff going on there.

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 05/07/2013 22:47

Yams, lovely, will try that.

Springy, looks amazing but maybe for me, she is now so disabled we couldn't do it for her.

Have wanted and needed to go in retreat for some time, the last time was before Ds now a teen was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 05/07/2013 22:50

Springy, also to say how sorry I am you had this experience too. And my thoughts are with you for the continuation of that healing grace, those healing waters.

OP posts:
MrsWolowitz · 05/07/2013 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MrsFrederickWentworth · 06/07/2013 23:54

Thank you, MrsW.

The issue is how to get her to feel it, to hold her up. She has short term memory loss and so she can recognise something one minute but the next she is down.

And it's really about an inner feeling of security, not an intellectual knowledge.

The biblical texts mostly just don't do it. The images do,sometimes, but not the texts.

So if anyone has ideas about how to tell a DDM that we love her, she is loved and that love will never cease, let me know.

OP posts:
cloutiedumpling · 07/07/2013 13:12

I am sorry to hear about your DM. Your love for her shines through your posts.

Most Christians are familiar with the Footsteps poem. I've seen it often when it has been printed on a poster with a beach scene and footprints. At some points there is one set of footprints, at others two. The poem says that the points when there is only one set are the times when God has carried us. I'll try and find a link with a decent picture later.

yamsareyammy · 07/07/2013 13:29

Would having some crosses, pictures and other Christian bits and pieces help?
Your local Christian bookstore may have some ideas to help?