The Muslim Tearoom

[HardlyEverHoovers]

Salaams/peace to all! I'm already missing our old thread, so taking the bull by the horns and opening our very own Muslim Tearoom, all welcome (non-Muslims too of course), to chat, share, ask questions etc etc. Imagine a cosy cafe with floor cushions, tea and coffee of all kinds, and lovely cakes! Please join me!

I only discovered the benefits of reciting surah Kahf on Fridays a few years ago, I've always loved the surah anyway, the four parables within it are ones I've always loved.

Sis crescent barakallah feeq

Hello ladies hope you are well.

My cousin is having a few problems at home, namely with her marriage. I think they're just going through a rocky patch really. Anyway it was really nice to share Surah Inshirah with her, just like you did with me Fuzzywuzzy, and well it felt good!

She really appreciated it, and we both said how just praying it felt so uplifting and humbling at the same time.

So thank you

Salaam ladies,

Crescent - another dua I really like is to ask for you both to love each other as the Prophet (pbuh) and Khadija did. I do think things are improving in terms of marital advice. People just used to say "as long as you follow the Quran and Sunnah" and "Marry asap" and I think there is a realisation that it takes a bit more then that and also, that marrying too quickly is often not a good thing.

However, I have mainly delurked (I usually MN on my phone and this thread takes ages to load), to say something which would be hugely controversial elsewhere here, but I wanted your thoughts.

I think being a practicing Muslim is a lovely life and solves/avoids a lot of problems.

I also think some Muslims get caught up with other things and forget the beauty of our religion and what it brings us.

I do actually wonder about it too sis GoshAnne, I can't imagine a life without iman, pretty much everything in life begins and ends in Allah for us.

Yesterday I was fasting and I had had a very lazy weekend so no food was ready at home, as I got off the train I was mentally trying to motivate myself to go home and cook and not order out (and I was frankly exhausted), I was reciting a dhikr I usually do when I am struggling.

????????? ? ????????? ?????? ??? ???????? ???? ???????

“Allahu Allahu Rabbi Laa Ushriku Bihi Shay’a”

So I got to the CM to pick up my girls and her MIL was there and said something to her and she turned to me and asked if I was busy, to which I said nope so she asked me to stay and eat with them! They'd made biryani it was her son's birthday and her IL's wanted to make a fuss, the kids were all delighted.

I told her she'd fed a fasting person and she was delighted too. lol

From my trying hard to be positive and grateful yesterday subhanallah my path was thrown open for me in minutes.
I felt (and still do) so happy and grateful and humbled and I can't imagine life without that certainty that Allah will grant ease.

Asma' bint `Umays (may Allah be pleased with her) said: The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said to me: "Shall I teach you some words to say at times of distress? You should say: Allahu rabbi la ushriku bihi shay’an (Allah is my Lord with Whom I associate nothing.)" In another version it is stated that this should be said seven times. Reported by Abu Dawud and Ibn Majah

Salaam all.

Read a hadith recently: there is no obedience to the creation , in disobedience to the Creator. Obedience is only in what is good.

Dc came home after school and asked me why santa only leaves presents for good children!!! Alarm bells started ringing because if dd doesnt get any presents (which she wasnt going to as we dont celebrate christmas) then she will believe that she has not been good! I told her that she was a very good girl and that santa doesnt get her presents - mummy and daddy do! And dont mummy and daddy choose really lovely presents!!

She seemed happy with the answer but i am still a little worried - but then, i do worry about anything and everything nowadays!

Dcs have also been asking about 'lord Jesus' recently, and though i have a few books about stories from the quran, i havent got any kids stories which tell the story of Jesus in much detail.

Ds seems upset that jesus didnt have a daddy - i am not doing a good job at telling my own worded story, perhaps i should write one and then read it to them.

Wsalam Defuse

I dont know where in the country you are based but there is a mosque in London that hold a fun workshop/event for children every year around Christmas time where they teach them about the Story of Jesus PBUH from our perspective. The sister who runs it is a teacher and she does some really great activities with the kids who are as young as 4 years old. It really goes a long way in helping them to straighten out any confusion they have and to develop their understanding and love for the Prophet Jesus PBUH. I can pm you the details if you want.

I think that we should be really honest and straight-forward with our children when dealing with these sorts of issues. I think once you become inconsistent when they are younger then it creates more confusion later on when they are older. For example christmas parties, discos, birthdays, music and so on would be a definite no no for me right from the get go because I dont want to introduce something to my ds that I would struggle later on to withdraw from him. That said I think if you take something away you have to replace it with something else.

I was having a conversation with my sister (biological one ) earlier this week about whether it is better to have a strict or more laid back approach with your children. My parents were uber strict with us and though at the time I resented it I now appreciate that it kept us on the straight and narrow (all completed or are in the process of completing education; all settled down etc). Some of our family friends who we envied as children for the relative freedom they had made some seriously bad choices which now in their mid twenties they are still struggling to recover from. Though Im not saying there is necessarily always a direct correlation in my case personally a strict upbringing with firm endless boundaries helped me stay away from certain problems. That being said I dont want my ds to be as restricted as I was especially because of cultural baggage.

Speaking about my ds, he is a bit unwell at the moment so I would appreciate any duas. He is not seriously ill (Alhamdulillah) just in need of a little tlc. I was mentioning it to one sister and she told me that putting oil in his hair regularly would help (?!). At the time I thanked her for the advice but in my mind I was thinking how on earth is that going to help him get over a cold. Anyone else heard that one or understand the logic behind that. My mum was telling me to give put one clove of garlic in his milk to help his cough. I have heard that before (and been on the recieving end of it) but done really know the reasoning behind that either. Anyone else have any home-made/made-up remedies for colds?

Salaam peaceful,

Jazakallah khair for your post. Unfortunately i am nowhere near london so cannot benefit from the wonderful mosque activities that you have described. However, it has given me an idea to do a DIY activity set-up of my own to teach my kids.

I agree with the boundary thing and with my first one, i was quite good at it...with the subsequent ones, i have gone slack and somewhat doubt my style of parenting! The eldest understands no birthdays, no music, no nativity, no tooth fairy, but the younger ones dont seem to grasp any of it which leaves me bewildered as to how I managed to convey the message properly the first time and not so properly subsequently!

I am no good with home remedies but pray that Allah gives your ds shifa very soon. Personally, i am a fan of hot ginger and lemon water with a bit of honey, but none of my dcs would ever try that. I have heard of the oil thing but have no idea what the logic behind that is.....must have something to do with the 'hot' and 'cold' thing that us pakistanis can be quite obsessive about . Although i am sure there is some logic to it all.

Assalamo alaikum all

does anyone have experience with any muslim boys secondary schools? please shre your good or bad experiences.

jazekallah khair

Salams

Crescent I have been making up my fasts too. I got inspired after reading Swish and Fuzzys posts. Ive done 9 days so far (10th day today) but I have another 20 to go . Inshallah I hope to do them now whilst maghrib is on the right side of 4 O clock. I think this is the earliest that maghrib gets in the whole year. Later on this month its going to start getting a bit later (by that I mean the wrong side of 4 O clock) so Im going to use this opportunity whilst I can.

Defuse I know what you mean about having doubts. I constantly doubt myself over my parenting with regards to how to raise him to be a good muslim. At the end of the day I think the most important thing we need to inculcate in our children is a love of God and their own personal relationship with God. I think that the problem when we are too strict (look at me backtracking now) is that our children dont do or do things because of fear of us or desire to please us rather than because of wanting to please God. As they get older and care less about what we think they may stop doing all those actions we taught them as children if their original intent revolved around us. I hope that makes sense. For example I know some girls who started wearing hijab at a very young age, perhaps to please their parents or because of pressure from their parents and when they got older they stopped wearing it. On the otherhand I know one sister whose parents never tried to make her wear hijab and when she was older she choose to wear it without any pressure from them because spiritually she was ready. Her parents instead focused on developing her character and helping her grow in her emaan. Anyway its food for thought I think about what are the most important things to teach our children.

Madmum I have heard of Al khair boys school in London. They have quite good exam results and their ethos and approach is quite balanced I think compared to some schools. Its based in Croydon. Not sure where you are based though.

I had a good laugh reading some of your comments Defuse, Crescent and Gosh on the Santa thread. Its shocking isnt it how some people can be so arrogant. Subhanallah its really makes me remember the verses in the Quran about those people who think they are self-sufficient and have pride.

Anyway Im staying out of it. I just see red when I read some of their comments so I thought let me keep my blood pressure down and read a book instead.

Assalamualikum,

I think with the whole Christmas thing it's important to balance it out for our children, its fine to enjoy the festivities, but it's not our festival.

I've always loved Christmas, from the lights to the school plays to the holidays. We do make a point of getting together during Christmas break as it’s the only time of year we all get a week off adults and kids together.

But my children know there's no Father Christmas and we don’t give eachother gifts during Christmas.

I think it’s really important to start how you mean to go on, once the children are used to getting gifts at Christmas it feels horrible for them to have that taken away.

I do have fun during the sales tho!

But I also make a point of getting my girls something small every payday, so if they want a magazine or my youngest wanted an Islamic ink stamp. I like getting them little things every so often. Nothing majorly expensive but stuff like books, clothes etc. Gift giving and receiving is a part of our lives, it’s also a sunnah, to give gifts and to accept them graciously. My girls are always making me presents too.

Sis Madmum24, whereabouts are you? I’ve heard really good things about Al Sadiq boys school in Brondesbury. It’s twinned with Islamia girls (the school opened by Yusuf Islam, it’s one of the best schools academically mashallah).

Remember us all in your duas sisters especially when you’re fasting

Asalamulaikum ladies,

I've been a lurker on this thread but never posted anything. I was wondering if you could give me some advice for my sister who's having marriage problems and is very unhappy. I just posted this in Relationships but would like an Islamic perspective on this as well.

TIA

I'm looking for advice for my sister. She is very unhappy with her husband they have only been married since March this year. He basically does not trust her. was checking her phone within first few weeks of marriage. checks her Facebook for who has commented on her profile pics etc. He saw a comment an old male friend of hers made 2 years ago and started asking questions. Always calling if she is slightly late home. I think you get the picture of how he is. They were engaged for about a year before they married and dating or living together before marriage not acceptable in our culture. There were signs of his insecurities beforehand but no one bought it up as an issue. apart from the insecurity issues she says they dont have things in common as he doesn't have any interests other than his work. She says they have very little to chat about. She has spoken to him about this many times since they've been married, and he says he'll change but then something will happen again. He also goes in moods with her and most of the time she doesn't even know why.

So basically I just want to know if anyone has had experience in this kind of relationship and can he change? He is not willing to go and talk to any professionals but I was going to suggest couples counselling? Not sure if it will help or how much it can cost?

Any advice appreciated.

How is your sisters relationship with her in-laws?

Will he sit and discuss his issues with mediators present, i.e. members from both your families?

An acquaintance I know, got very successful counselling thro East London Masjid, her marriage was on the brink of breaking down, she had left him, but the Imam who did the counselling was very helpful. Of course both parties need to want the marriage to work for to help.

I do have personal experience of this, and I wish I had divorced him as soon as I realised what he was like, in my case it only escalated and I was in a living hell for the entire duration of my marriage. The jealousy over male acquaintances/friends was a pretext, he eventually decided my girlfriends were all sluts and etc. that my family were turning me against him (nothing to do with the fact he was an utterly evil abusive person who was difficult to like forget love) so I wasn't allowed to visit or speak to them either etc. etc.

I'm sorry but under these circumstances I am the last person to counsel patience or changing oneself, my advice is always run like the wind and do not have children with this man.

Thanks Fuzzy.
Relationship with in laws not good.She has had issues with her younger brother in law who has been very rude to her, mil hasn't said anything to her but by not saying anything to bil is condoning his behaviour. But if it was just a family issue it could be solved by moving out,but it's much more than that.
My MIL suggested mediator but like you say both parties have to want to make it work. He is a very private person only has 2 friends. He even had a go at one his best friends for standing too close to her and had a go at her about it. He probably only has 1 friend now. He doesn't talk much about his feelings to his wife so not sure how he would feel about talking to someone else. I am going to suggest that anyway. Other option would be trial separation but there is a strong possibility of it becoming permanent with the way she is feeling.

Super - He would have to really want to change for any couples counselling to work.

Sometimes people just aren't compatible and in that case, it's best to end the marriage before children are on the scene.

I would feel very sorry for next wife though, unless he changes his ways.

Salaam superconfused,

I am not qualified to give advice on this. I would just say the same as fuzzy..dont have any kids until they know whether they both are committed to work this out. He sounds very possessive. You mentioned the BIL. Why is he being rude to your sis?