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Original poster

To just go to a jehovahs witness meeting?

796 replies

blobtobetter · 07/04/2012 21:05

One of the older women at work is a Jehovah's Witness. I don't really know what they are but they don't like blood or birthdays. I thought they were just another type of Christian but apparently not.

She keeps asking me to go to a meeting and I keep putting her off. Thinking now that I should just go once and then never again!?

It sounds really shallow but I wouldn't want to give up Christmas!!

Part of me wonders what it would be like. Would they be over friendly? Would they be distant as I am a heathen type? Can't imagine it really.

OP posts:
WhiteShores · 09/04/2012 14:21

SparklyGothKat They do, but it is a very low-key affair because I cannot be involved.

There are no presents/cards from me (I give gifts at unrelated dates to make up for this), and I do not attend any of the parties nor appear in any celebratory photos/video.

SophieNeveau · 09/04/2012 14:21

Is it JW sitting outside polling stations then Wink

Would it be so hard seriously, to live within the rules and not go to meetings?

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 14:22

I still remember the awake magazine with a young person looking into a youth club at the 'worldly ones' having fun. I just dont agree that people shouldn't have a bit of fun. My sister (lisad) choose to go back, that's her choice and she is raising her family in the religion but I don't believe in any god. I can't get my head around that there is one god, and tbh how do you know that you are following the right one?

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 14:24

Lol I was kidding about clubbing smoking and drinking. Just saying that her life wouldn't be much difference.

calzone · 09/04/2012 14:32

That was what I was trying to say in my big post further up! Am sure that if she left the JW's her life would not be that much different!

WhiteShores · 09/04/2012 14:35

It sounds to me as if I am being told the rules are not that restrictive, so I do not have that much to complain about.

Let me get a couple things straight. My issue is not that I cannot go out and start smoking (because you are right, I don't want to), and it is not that I cannot go and join the military (because I hadn't planned to). I am lucky that those rules don't impact on me too much because if I did want to I am not allowed the choice.

My freedom is curtailed (with the threat of loss of family hanging over my head), whether you think I should be bothered about that or not.

My entire life and expression of who I am to the world is a lie.

Do I like living like this? No, I hate it and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Do I have a choice? Yes, I can continue living my lie, or I can lose my entire JW family.

ThreadWatcher · 09/04/2012 14:41

Whiteshores - Im not a JW but I have read a lot about it and other cults.
I think you have described the situation you find yourself in very well and I can really sense the 'burden' you are feeling.

To be shunned by you family is not by any means an easy thing to do. I expect it would mean (for example) not just you, not seeing your family but your kids too - I can well understand why you wouldnt want to do that.

Living a lie isnt easy, but if you genuinely get on well with your family (apart from the JW aspect) I can totally understand why you wouldnt want to leave.

Your posts are some of the most :( I have ever read on MN. {{{hug}}}

calzone · 09/04/2012 14:42

That is not what was meant.

You listed a long list of things that you could be disfellowshiped for.
You do not want to do any of those things.

So, I was just asking that if you bowed out quietly and stopped going to meetings but DID NOTHING WRONG then is it possible that you would not be shunned or disfellowshiped. And instead of doing birthdays and Xmas with DH and children could you have a present day instead for no particular reason.

You just sound so sad.

ThreadWatcher · 09/04/2012 14:44

Am sure that if she left the JW's her life would not be that much different!

Her whole life would change. It really would and WS knows that hence her current choice not to leave.

SophieNeveau · 09/04/2012 14:45

I did't mean to add to your sadness, White. I was looking for a way out that would be the best of both worlds.

GinPalace · 09/04/2012 14:45

But WS has explained that not attending would cause pain to her family as they would fear for her eternal life and would have other implications not just the ultimate shunning.

Think WS has been pretty clear in explaining her predicament. If the answer were so simple I am sure after all the agonizing she would have thought of it by now. :(

ThreadWatcher · 09/04/2012 14:47

Ahh I see calzone that you have clarified your point!

I think the thing is by not going to meetings for years on end (even if obeying all the rules) in time eyebrows would be raised, the pressure to attend would increase. Questions would be asked and eventually 'disfellowshipping' may be something that is suggested. - correct me if Im wrong WS!

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 14:50

I meant it as you would still have to live as you are ws, still living a lie. You wouldn't be free as you would lose your family.

calzone · 09/04/2012 14:51

If she did nothing wrong during the time she stopped going to the meetings then she would not be disfellowshiped or shunned by family.

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 14:53

But eventually she would as she said 'eyebrows would raise'

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 14:55

Sorry threadwatcher said that.

ThreadWatcher · 09/04/2012 14:57

IME JWs spend a lot of time at meetings each week, several evenings as well as at weekends.
In effect by not going you shun yourself because their time to spend with family is limited because of the amount of their free time spent at meetings.
By going to meeetings you in effect get to spend some time with your family.

ThreadWatcher · 09/04/2012 14:58

Hey sparkly dont steal my eyebrows :o

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 15:01

Hmm lol

SparklyGothKat · 09/04/2012 15:08

I have to say that although I left 16 years ago, on Friday I went to my cousins wedding (who also left when he was 16-17) I was a bit worried as I knew there would be a lot of witnesses there and how they would respond to me as I left my husband and am pregnant by my DP and we arent married. And we aren't planning to get married until 2014-15. They did speak to me and treated me as normal. But I wasn't baptised when I left so I dont have to deal with the shunning. I really feel for ws and hope she is ok x

WhiteShores · 09/04/2012 15:14

calzone "So, I was just asking that if you bowed out quietly and stopped going to meetings but DID NOTHING WRONG then is it possible that you would not be shunned or disfellowshiped. And instead of doing birthdays and Xmas with DH and children could you have a present day instead for no particular reason."

This is essentially the path I am taking. Being as quiet as possible, attending minimal meetings to prevent family panic, and not doing anything that could get me disfellowshipped.

There is no way out for me. This is it. This is the compromise that allows me to keep my family.

MmeBucket · 09/04/2012 15:39

Calzone, she might not be disfellowshipped or shunned, but if you look back upthread you will see that for other ex-JW's shunning is more the rule than the exception. Almost all the ones I know that have left have had all family and friends cut of contact with them disfellowshipped or not, and I have stated I left without being disfellowshipped, and I lost every single family member, and now when I run into people I was in the congregation with, they turn bright red, and refuse to look at me. (And in my Aunt's case, she actually ran into someone with her shopping cart at Costco when she saw me, because she was trying to get away from me quickly even though I respected her and didn't try to talk to her.)

It is actually the Society's stance that a JW is to view one who was baptized and willingly left as though they were disfellowshipped. (It is in one of the first few Watchtowers of 1976.) I should remember exactly which one, because it was in one of the public talks my grandpa gave over and over, and all of my family quoted it when I left, but I'm afraid I don't.

calzone · 09/04/2012 16:48

OK, thanks for answering my questions WS and I hope you are OK.

{whispers, Two last tiny questions. Do the elders not approach you about not preaching? And do you have friends in the congregation that you might go and have coffee with or do they know that you keep a low profile in the congregation?}

WhiteShores · 09/04/2012 17:06

calzone You're welcome, I want the religion to be as transparant as possible, so that everyone really does know what happens.

I am regularly approached and 'encouraged'/chastised about not preaching. I manage to 'excuse' myself due to depression and social anxiety (which are true).

I have 'friends' in the congregation as in people I can go out for coffee with and chat superficially with. But they are JW and so do not know who I really am or what my real thoughts are about anything.

It is all very sad and deceptive, but ultimately the best compromise of a life I can come up with. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

Original poster
blobtobetter · 09/04/2012 18:17

Are the elders really important figures then? Like scary men that you would be intimidated by or the sort that you could talk to if you had a problem?

The lady at work hasn't really mentioned what their role is. She did say that only men could stand to give a speech and that women would sit on a chair to give a talk.

The shunning stuff sounds quite Amish to me.

OP posts: