Can I justify a dog?

[JennyForeigner]

Former dog owner here - dog was the highlight and love of my solo 30s. Beloved dog passed away from undiagnosed, rapidly progressing cancer a few years after I met my husband. We then had a family.

Now, three young kids, one SEND/ish, one really quite SEND (autism). Busy rural household with a huge garden and nice dog loving neighbours. Someone is always at home. DH is very into fitness and runs or walks every day. Kids need as much outdoor time as we can give them. DH can be lazy about screen time when we're home and tbh we lean on distraction too much because the kids profiles and needs are so different. Particularly we have a very bright asd older child who is socially lacking in confidence, a demand avoider and I think, at risk of being very unhappy. We are never going to be able to be out and about in cities and museums or at classes as much as he wants, because of our other child's needs. We will never spend our money on overseas holidays or adventures for the same reason. For context, our youngest child will be 5 this year.

I... mostly just work incredibly hard - at home alone - and don't exercise enough. Everything revolves around the kids. I go back to work whenever they are asleep, or collapse in a heap. When I should be exercising in an evening I have no motivation at all. When I had a dog I did a daily 5km, because the dog needed me to.

Without a dog something is missing. It feels mad even to consider adding a dog to a complex household, and yet... and yet... I miss having a dog so badly. I want my children to grow up with dogs. I think they need and would benefit more than most children from a dog. Our life is a good one, for a dog. We live in a place with a lot of support and training. I have done the adolescent dog years before, and know what to expect. DH also loved my old dog and is keen. We already have cats and rabbits, so are pretty tied to home.

Is it so mad? Are we just so much in the weeds with children and SEND, that I am grasping at a straw? Is it selfish to want uncomplicated doggy love in my life as well as everything else? I love to think of a wheaten terrier or similar asleep with the kids at the end of a long outdoor day and just can't shake the feeling that there is no real point in delaying, if that is what we want.

I feel like I do really need to check our thinking on this. Our household can feel vulnerable for various reasons and I am scared of making a mistake, and life harder.

Really grateful for any thoughts or advice.

As long as your children understand to leave a dog alone when necessary -

Go for it!!!!!

How bad were your last dogs doggy teenage years?

I feel a golden retriever or a show labrador would fit your household. Emotionally intelligent dogs, easy to train, love kids, would be happy to run alongside you but once the puppy/teenage stage are over will also happily flop. Crate training here for your dog would also be essential to give the dog peace from the kids.

it's not unreasonable to want a dog again
Mine is a fabulous little buddy when life is tough - I choose a breed that is like that!
However you would be looking at getting a puppy and that's like adding another toddler/ child to the mix.

And even an older dog still has needs that you have to meet whatever the circumstances in your home.

So if you go for it, do so with your eyes wide open!

Doesn't sound mad at all - sounds like a dog would fit into your household very well, and your DH is on board, so go for it.
I'm a dog person & and have had various over the years, since the DC were little - always found they enhance family life.
You sound a little bit burnt out though- make sure your DH steps up! Having demanding DC is hard.

It sounds like it could work, obviously you know how your children could be around the dog and would be able to manage interactions, if you are looking for a puppy don’t underestimate how difficult they are, how bitey they can be ( especially with kids) and how much attention and training they need. Our dog is nearly 3 and despite our best efforts can still occasionally get too excitable for our youngest ( tbf he is a similar size). But it has taken us this long to get to a point where we enjoy dog owning. He was our first dog so did make mistakes ( there are some good threads for puppy and teenage dog owners on here)

Thank you, sounds pathetic but it has made me tear up a bit not to be told I'm mad. Last dog was a standard schnauzer and was so much loved, but yes, he was a complete arsehole as a teendog. Whoever said I am burned out nailed it. I do a lot of care giving but don't have an outlet for myself.

A golden retriever has been on the list to investigate and we are looking at adolescent/ASD dog training. It is expensive though, so I want to start saving and planning now with a view to putting our name down for a puppy in the spring.

Maybe what I am coming to terms with is that we'll never be that family who head off on holiday or show their kids the world, and that it's ok to spend thousands on a trained dog that enriches our life here.

Get the dog!!!

You should get a dog, life is too short to feel that way and it sounds like you would give a dog a lovely home, just research what breed would suit all of you best. I have 2 labs who are both great with children, love walking and are were pretty straightforward to train and fit in with us perfectly. Good luck!

Not at all we got a working Labrador last year after we lost our last dog the year before.

4 children at the time. All autistic, with the youngest 2 with serve needs. Getting our boy has helped our son get out. Especially as he wasn’t in school and just stayed in his room.

we are a busy hectic household but our boy has fitted in well. At the time the calmest puppy choose us, but he is everything but not calm.

though I do wish we prepared the children more for the puppy years. We had warned them about what a puppy is like but they wasn’t prepared for how mouthy he was. Though the constant stealing your stuff did amuse them.

though I’d advice you to really research. Our previous lab insurance was £65 a year by time she passed age 13. Imagine our surprise when we went with the same company and we were paying £95 a month for a new puppy.

Sounds like your household would be a great one for a dog!

I did think of one possible difficulty. The dog-types that would be most at ease and tolerant in the presence of children include dogs like labradors, retrievers, etc. Chilled, confident and good-natured. But I'm guessing they wouldn't be the best for lying tranquilly alongside you while you worked from home (unless they were post-adolescent).

I have a terrier and even in young puppyhood he was absolutely brilliant at being a home-office colleague, very skilled at lying in front of the room heater and doing bugger all (provided he had had all the exercise and attention he needed).

But when my children were small I wouldn't have risked a dog of his breed. They are too wary, too much in need of an atmosphere in which they can be guaranteed their personal space. So I guess my question is : How old are your children and how good would they be at respecting boundaries? My youngest was seven when I made the shift from gun-dog to terrier.

(Oh, my dog is a working-type terrier. I don't know anything about wheaten terriers. Perhaps they are altogether more chilled!)

Yes, this absolutely. Provided you can afford it I think you should feel really positive about spending £££ on the dog itself and on any necessary professional training. It would be wonderful for the children - participating in the training insofar as they are able, and benefitting in a million way from the presence of a well-trained dog. And - just as important - it would be a completely legitimate gift to yourself. You need and deserve joy in your life, and your previous experience as a dog owner suggests that you would get joy from another dog now.

Sounds perfect, why not try and get another Schnauzer, you know the breed and their expectations for exercising. We didn’t get our first puppy until I was 58 and DC were adults, but it’s been a brilliant time.

I’ve got two kids and two Labradors. They’re excellent dogs, I have the cuddles and the kids have the hilarity - last night finished with our youngest dog making my youngest child laugh for a good ten minutes just by being really daft. As well as the laughs there’s the comfort for them too.

i grew up with dogs and consequently have a real need for them. My kids will be the same. I feel for the kids who don’t have dogs growing up! You sound perfect for one.

I would choose the breed very carefully & do your research!
You need a dog that is emotionally intelligent and does the behaviours you want them to do naturally. This makes training a lot easier! But the dog also needs to be robust and not fazed by noise ect.
I have such a dog - a Tibetan Terrier and know 2 families with autistic children who have gone down that route. Best example of how great they are is taking a 14 month old dog to the fair after covid! YluvaDog was just happy to be with his hoomans and not bothered by the noisy, busy place!
Retrievers are great dogs, but I find them very needy in terms of exercise and training. There are better dogs out there! Maybe even another giant Schnauzer could be a fit? Or have a look at KC utility group, plenty of fantastic dog breeds there!

Go for it. We have a 12 month old dog got primarily for our neurodiverse DC. It’s been life changing for her. We all adore the dog but she is a miracle for the DC.

I think you should go for it. Your family could give a dog a wonderful life and your pup will bring so much joy and happiness into your home.

One idea though - you mention "When I had a dog I did a daily 5km, because the dog needed me to." Why don't you start going on walks each day without the dog? If you enjoy it then adding a dog to the mix will be huge fun. If you don't enjoy it and it's a chore then you will find that out before you've committed to a decade, potentially much more, of having to do that walk every day.

I'll get slammed for this, but with three young children no responsible breeder will sell to you. Most good breeders I know don't sell to people with young children (even one), let alone three. The fact so many people with young children seem to be sold dogs is evidence of just how many bad breeders are out there.

The sorts of people who recommend, or sell, Gundogs to people with young children are so incredibly irresponsible I don't know where to begin. And I do not know how many times I have to say this, just because one poster has a Golden, or a Cocker, who is great with children does not mean they are the right dog for the vast majority of families with your children. In the last month alone, my local breed club have rehomed or fostered over a dozen Golden Retrievers, almost all(minus one) have a bite history against a child - why? Because of people buying them and failing to understand dogs and small children do not mix.

I get that you miss having a dog, but I think you'd be quite irresponsible to get a dog with so many young children. And just because you think you remember what it's like raising a young dog, does not mean you actually remember it - mumsnet is full of experienced dog owners who struggle with raising dogs, and many of them do not have multiple young children.

I'd strongly suggest you wait a few years before you consider a dog and when you do, consider something like a poodle.

I’m kinda in agreement with @LandSharksAnonymous
You say you are burned out and have zero time or energy for yourself as it is……
having a puppy is the same amount of extra work as another baby in the early days and that does not improve significantly for AT LEAST a couple of years, probably more.

I think there is a ‘rose tinted’ memory of your old dog which is clouding your judgement. Plus the point in finding a reputable breeder - getting one who is prepared to let you have one of their puppies in your current situation is really not at all high. Which means you will likely only get offered a dog from a dodgy backyard greeder, without the health checks and careful upbringing that a good breeder will do as standard
Im not suggesting you shouldn’t get a dog, but timing is everything and I’m not convinced that you are at the right place currently

See, I disagree with @LandSharksAnonymous & @Dunnocantthinkofone .

I was once in the position of having very young DC and a massive dog shaped hole in my heart!
And, you are absolutely right, good breeders, the ones with good quality breeding lines wouldn't give me a puppy. Yet I have had dogs all my life, grew up with them, already had experience with a string of challenging rescue dogs. I did non competitive obedience & agility to give the dog a fulfilling life. Was at home FT for another 2 years ...
But having children somehow was the denominator for not getting a much wanted pup from anyone who I would have considered a decent breeder.

I still got a lovely puppy off a lady that MN would describe as backyard breeder. Dog was fantastic - sadly passed 2 years ago age 14, had no health or behaviour problems until 6 months before we said goodbye. The lady did a very good job at raising the puppies. She cared about the dogs and although pup wasn't KC, parents were plus health tested.

I was lucky and knowledgeable that saved me buying from puppy farmers...
Obviously it's anyone's choice who they sell puppies to and often novices do make the wrong breed choices, but it also leaves the door wide open for puppy farmers and other chancers.

I wouldn't go for a puppy. You have a lot on your plate already. Have a look at the puppy survival threads and ask yourself whether you could cope with that on top. There's a saying 'God made puppies so cut because otherwise no-one would have one'.

An older rescue dog could be perfect. Start looking at some of the smaller rescues that evaluate each family on its merits, and look for the best match for every dog, rather than larger rescues that have a blanket 'no children' policy. Have a good think about how reliable your children would be about interacting sensibly with a dog and be prepared to discuss this in detail with the rescue. Good luck.

Just get the dog! You’re not a novice dog owner, you know what to expect and your home sounds tailor made for a dog that will clearly be very much loved.

In your shoes I would worry that the dog will take up your last remaining shred of time to yourself. I love dogs and work as a walker around my main job to get my dog fix, but my latest client, a Portuguese Water pup, has been the nail in the coffin of getting a family dog myself. There isn't a moment when I have her where I am not reinforcing training, shouting at her to get off the kitchen counters or removing a potential choking hazard from her mouth. The owners are likewise overwhelmed - I often come in to the dog having chewed a sofa or necked some human medication.

I could look at a rescue but with two preschoolers and a primary age child it's unlikely.

You know yourself better but I have found it eye-opening.

But @Ylvamoon your situation is not comparable.
The OP works around the complex additional needs of her children. You were at home FT and had enough time to do sports hobbies with your dog.
By her own admission, the op has zero time available to give