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Original poster

So hard caring for my dog what are the options?

36 replies

thedancingscream · 27/06/2023 11:21

Hi there,

I'm looking for advice and hope you cab help.

I have a 13 year old dog. Recently I have moved in with my mum, She is disabled now, and she cannot walk and is not very mobile, so she needs a lot of care - wash clothes, do meals, take her out to shops, she's just not living a independent life. I have four children from age 2 to 9, so they need homework, and time and care. And I work full time.

My dog is old, has heart problems and lag problems. His medicine costs around £60 a month, which I am happy to pay for. But I also don't always have time to give it to him in a proper routine. About his routine, he is quite tetchy now in his old age so he wees out of protest, so I am often slipping in his wee or the kids are, then we all smell and it's more washing. This means I mop twice or more a day. It's all just incredibly hard.

I'm just not coping. I don't think I'll find someone to adopt, but please help me with where I should go that is reputable to do this if there is anywhere. I am in North London.

I don't think I can morally and ethically put him down given he is still him when he has everything he needs, though everything is quite a lot.

What are my options, if any? A breakdown is where I am heading. That's the default option right now. I'm just so stressed, shouting at kids etc. Once or twice my friend has taken him for the a few days and my life was so manageable. I'm beginning to resent.

Please help.

OP posts:
twistyizzy · 27/06/2023 11:24

I think morally and ethically PTS is the responsible option. You have an old dog that is probably towards the end of life anyway, don't underestimate the stress you will cause ripping him away from the safety and comfort of his family home. Sorry but PTS is not the worst thing that can happen especially in old age.

Countingdowntodecember · 27/06/2023 11:28

I don’t think rehoming a 13 year old dog is an option. The emotional distress of being removed from his family would be worse than being PTS.

If he isn’t suffering, could you afford doggy daycare to give you a break?

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 27/06/2023 11:31

I'm leaning more towards it being ok to say goodbye to him and have him pts, to be honest. I've had many, many dogs and other animals and always managed their end-of-life care ok, but it's always a struggle to know when the 'right' time is. Do they feel ok struggling on into real old age? Our need to hold on to life is very strong, yes, but I also wonder if they/we would be happier just falling asleep one day, before all the struggle of old age, and in love and peace. (I know I would, personally!)

It's always hard to say goodbye, even if they're terminally ill and asking you with their eyes to make it stop. Our last dog we called it a day well before that (although she did have a condition that would have killed her), gave her a great last few weeks where she was spoiled rotten, and then said goodbye. I know it was right for her, and for us.

Ultimately you have to do what's right for them, but also you. You're going through such a lot and he's not going to get better....

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 11:36

It's important to remember that being PTS is not the worst thing that can happen to a dog, and often it's the best. He's old, and failing and not coping. PTS is absolutely the right thing to do.

FlyingPi · 27/06/2023 11:38

Sounds really grim, I'm sorry.
If you are your mother's carer could you get carers' allowance (possibly going part time at work) and use that money to pay for a dog walker or dog day care? They could also administer the medicine and it would maybe limit his accidents, or at least you wouldn't have the other things to fit in.
Apart from anything else it sounds like you and the kids have had a lot of changes recently, it might be really hard to let the dog go. Of course you need a break but getting help could enable you to enjoy the benefits of having a dog again which might help your stress levels?
Even the WalkMyDog app might help. Or talk to an animal charity like Dogs Trust about help that might enable him to stay with you: Find Out How We Help | Dogs Trust

How we help | Dogs Trust

We love all dogs, and the people who love dogs too. When you need help or just can’t cope, we’re ready to step in. We’re here to strengthen your bond

https://www.dogstrust.org.uk/how-we-help

MitchellMummy · 27/06/2023 11:55

I'd suggest taking him to the vet and seeing if they could give you something for the incontinence (which may be physical as well as change in routine). Then when home ensure he goes out for regular wee breaks (could be heart meds making him wee a lot - is he on Frusemide?) I don't think rehoming at his age is fair to him ... unless he's going to a friend who knows him. Guessing he doesn't need much of a walk now - though a very short walk may give you the opportunity to clear your head? Good luck, it must be hard going.

maranella · 27/06/2023 13:06

If your dog is 13 and incontinent OP, the kind thing to do is PTS. No one is going to adopt a dog that's on its last legs and that's a good age for a dog anyway.

Original poster
thedancingscream · 27/06/2023 13:57

I know. I just can't do it.

It's not the same thing and she would kill me if she knew I wrote this, but I feel like I wouldn't do that to my mum and she is a demanding creature, too, sometimes.

I don't even know what I wanted to hear you all say to be honest.

I'll take another read of all of your posts again tonight.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thedancingscream · 27/06/2023 13:57

Yes, Frusemide.

OP posts:
FlibbedyFlobbedyFloo · 27/06/2023 14:04

Realistically, your options are:

  1. keep him - but you'll need to take more care of him
  2. PTS

Rehousing at this age would be incredibly cruel.

I'm sorry, I do realise it's extremely hard

Mindymomo · 27/06/2023 14:05

Are you getting any help with caring for your mother, social services should be able to help get you some help. I’ve read about belly bound straps for dogs to help with incontinence.

twistyizzy · 27/06/2023 14:09

Part of pet ownership is putting their needs before your own and this is even more important when they are old. Giving up for adoption would be incredibly cruel and you really have to put his needs before your own, if you can't look after him then it is much kinder to PTS in your own home where he feels safe and loved rather than abandoning him with strangers in his greatest month/years of needs.

Morag273 · 27/06/2023 14:29

As others have said - and I know it’s hard - but the best thing to do is PTS. He is an old dog and you have given him a good life. It would be unethical to try and rehome him at his age. He is already incontinent and it may be kinder to say goodbye now before his health and comfort levels deteriorate any further. Better a day too early than a day too late.

Mydustymonstera · 27/06/2023 14:36

Dog aside you can’t care for your mother, parent 4 kids and work full time all at once. Can you contact SWS for some help for mum. personal care, help with meals washing and her mobility.
Can either of you afford a cleaner - I understand if not. maybe if she applied for attendance allowance that could be used for this.
Is their dad in the picture?
where is your own home and what is happening to it while you are all away?
this situation sounds impossible you are very strong to be dealing with it for this long but it clearly can’t continue.
I’d advise getting friend to take dog for another few days if she will while you arrange some formal help for mum and figure out your routine with the kids who must be all over the place. Then see if the dog can slot back in or if sadly he/she has reached end of line.

RandomMess · 27/06/2023 14:47

I would

Vet trip to check you can't sort out incontinence issues

Assuming not.

Buy in respite for your Mum for a week, take some annual leave, give dog the best week of his life then PTS.

It sounds like your Mum needs assessing and paid care as well as your support.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

caringcarer · 27/06/2023 15:38

Furosemide makes the dog wee more than normal for about three hours after having it. Could you take dog out for two short walks during those 3 hours maybe 40 mins after having it then again 1 hour and 20 mins later. It would save a lot of mopping and dog would only need 5-10 mins outside. Could you get a dog walker for half an hour a day?

HandInMine · 27/06/2023 15:47

I don’t think the dog is the issue. However thd the level of care that you are providing for your mum when you have 4 children who need you is the problem.

I would contact social services and see what they can help with.

Cantstaystuckforever · 27/06/2023 15:51

HandInMine · 27/06/2023 15:47

I don’t think the dog is the issue. However thd the level of care that you are providing for your mum when you have 4 children who need you is the problem.

I would contact social services and see what they can help with.

This. You sound like you're caring so much, and it's very understandable that you're close to a breakdown, it's too much for one person.

Speak to SS about your mum. You can't be too nice and say you'll do lots, they need to be clear that you're at breaking point. Your kids shouldn't be coming 3rd to 6th, after a demanding mother and an incontinent dog - and you shouldn't be 7th either.

quikquiknamechange · 27/06/2023 16:12

@thedancingscream please don't say "I can't do it" in response to posters suggestions of pts. You're not willing to pts but you'd be willing to rehome your 13 year old dog. I assume you've had this dog since a puppy, for pretty much 13 years. His whole life. As the saying goes "a dog is part of your life, but to your dog you are his whole world".

Please don't rehome an elderly dog. Charities are swamped and may not take him. If they do the chance of him being adopted is low. He will die lonely and afraid in kennels. Pts is honestly the kindest option.

You sound incredibly stressed but saying "I can't do it" is putting your needs first, which you shouldn't do if you have animals. It's quick and painless and you can hug him until he passes. Do that for you boy.

HandInMine · 27/06/2023 16:36

@quikquiknamechange I do agree. It would be extremely traumatic and cruel for the dog to be rehomed.

But, the issue is providing the care for her mother. Even without the dog, caring for 4 children and a parent is too much and would break anyone. Get help with caring for mum and the dog is manageable and can stay.

Sunnydaysaredefhere · 27/06/2023 16:44

Imo your responsibility is to your ddog before your dm. Seek outside help for your dm and put your energy into your dc and your dpet..

maranella · 27/06/2023 17:13

Lots of good advice on this thread OP. Please heed it.

Speak to SS about your DM - she must be entitled to a care package if her needs are so great. Speak to AgeUK, if you need help with who to call and what to say.

And don't think that re-homing your dog is kinder than putting him to sleep. He's 13. He's incontinent. He will be devastated if you dump him at a re-homing centre, he won't understand and no one will want him, so THEY will put him to sleep. It would be FAR kinder (and actually, as his owner, who loves him, it's the final kind act that you will do for him), to take him to the vet, stroke his head and let the vet put him to sleep. Seriously, you need to woman-up on this. All pet owners face this agonising decision at some point or other and if you know you can't do that for your pet, you shouldn't have one.

Spambod · 27/06/2023 17:28

he is really old, he is tetchy which makes me think he is in some pain, he is in continent. He needs to be put to sleep. Don’t wait for him to get worse. Better a day early than a day late. He is a dog and has no clue what is going on but don’t let him get worse and suffer and don’t let your guilt about your workload cloud your judgement and keep him a live because you feel better. You are not a martyr and the dog is clearly in failing health.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 27/06/2023 17:40

Putting the doggie to sleep is a MUCH kinder option than rehoming. No one will take him. Surely nobody would want their beloved pet to spend whatever time they have left locked up all alone in a cage.

CaffineChaos · 27/06/2023 18:34

I agree with posters who are saying pts is kindest choice for your dog. The distress and trauma your dog will suffer by being rehomed cancels any benefit yips having from knowing he's still alive. It's a really difficult decision and framing in a "I wouldn't have my mum pts because shes demanding" is like comparing apples and oranges and it's more about you not feeling guilty than what's best for the animal.

You need to separate the emotions around your mums ill health to the emotions around an ailing elderly dog. Even without all this stuff going on with your mums health, it sounds like your dogs quality of life is approaching the point where his needs are increasing and you'd be needing to make this decision in the imminent future.