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Original poster

Should children be present when it's the end?

39 replies

Anono2022 · 15/11/2022 09:21

Hi

I'm pretty certain our dog is so unwell now we are nearing the end of his life. He has been double incontinent for a while, unable to walk a few steps before falling, when he is on his feet his legs are wide apart, he moves in circles on his tummy on the floor, now add in constant sickness and breathlessness, I fear this is it.

We have the vets today and am wondering if my 8 year old should be present, in case I have to make that decision? He has grown up with him his entire life, they are so close. My son is autistic and his dog means the world to him. I don't think it's fair him not being able to say goodbye and be there in the end but my parents have made me feel guilty saying its not appropriate him being there if our dog is put to sleep.

Should children be kept away from seeing this?

OP posts:
Gemmanorthdevon · 19/11/2022 12:51

I wouldn't.

We have had cats and dogs all our lives. I asked at 14 to be present. And Mum said " No, it's a head of the pack job, and not one you do until you absolutly have to. And when you do you will understand why" I was devastated. Said good bye at home. Was angry at her for weeks.

I'm 40 now, I've had my own cats and now dogs my entire adult life.

My God was she right!

A mammoth task for an adult to keep calm enough to keep their pet calm at such a time. You don't want the last thing your dog hearts is his beloved child crying.

I'm so sorry, sending strength and a hug. Xx

MermaidEyes · 19/11/2022 12:56

Mine wouldn't want to be and they're teenagers. We had to have a much loved cat put to sleep and the kids said their goodbyes at home then dh and I took her to the vets and stayed with her. It really is quite upsetting. I would suggest he says goodbye in his own way at home. Hugs OP, it's hard on everyone.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 19/11/2022 16:19

Thank you.

After visiting the Vets with him I completely agree. I've realised he processes grief through me due to his autism. When I collected him from school he cried because I was crying. I asked him the question. He then broken down and said no as he didn't want to witness his dog die. I respected that AND I am so glad he did say that. He cuddled his dog and cried. He then hid and screamed and growled. That was enough sadness I wanted to expose him to.

I went on my own and I couldn't do it. Our dog was in no immediate need BUT it was advised I need to really think about his quality of life and dignity which she could see wasn't great anymore and every one of my concerns would suggest his quality of life is deteriorating. The grief hit me so hard. I was overwhelmed with loneliness. He was agitated because he hates the Vets. It was peaceful and calm like i wanted it to be for him. I was hit with this 'how dare I even be considering this' feeling. I kept asking the Vet to check him willing her to give me a reason to go ahead, for I know deep inside he is declining. But I couldn't then as he wasn't ready, which my family and the vet (today) agrees, however I have been told to expect things not to get better. So for that reason I'm going to give him the absolute best time he has left and when he is ready I will help him over rainbow bridge.

But I will never question if a child should be present again because I would never ever consider it now. Because my son doesn't really show much emotion I stupidly thought he would want to be involved because his dog is his main comfort. But seeing how he responds to grief through me and the way I handled it, I'm certain I would deeply traumatise him from not only losing his best friend but from seeing his Mom that distraught too.

Our dog isn't in pain the vet doesn't think, not considerable anyway which is why I want to give him the best before the end. But I know time isn't on our side and it hurts more than I ever could have imagined

OP posts:
userxx · 19/11/2022 16:29

I say this very kindly OP, your description of how your dog is coping tells me it's time for him. Please don't let him suffer any longer. It's so hard to let them go but when it gets to the stage he's at, it's the kindest thing for him.

CaptainMorgansMistress · 19/11/2022 16:34

I’m so sorry that you’re at this stage with your DDog. It’s so painful.

When we neared the end with our DDog, our vet recommended a specific euthanasia vet who did home visits. She was wonderful, so kind and gentle and respectful and our lovely dog passed so peacefully in his own bed, being stroked and with a tummy full of treats. He hated the vets so I’m so glad that we did it at home and it was so calm.

Our DC are similar ages to yours and we warned them that the time was coming, arranged it for when they were out and told them fully afterwards. I was glad not to have to deal with their feelings at the time, only DDogs and my own and then focus on them properly afterwards.

Definitely agree with the poster above that it’s a head of the pack job.

Workinghardeveryday · 19/11/2022 16:39

I am so sorry to hear about your lovely dog.

I was just going to say I wouldn’t take your son, I know you have said you aren’t now.

I was with my cat when I was 10, still makes me cry when I think about it, very upsetting.

Thinking of you 💐xx

Santagiveyoursackawash · 19/11/2022 16:41

Please consider sedation prior to actual pts op. My ddog was fear aggressive and seeing the vet was horrendous for us both. A quick jab in her rear and the vet left us alone with ddog. A spy hole told them when she was asleep so she was never around strangers for more than literally a few seconds.. The IV was put in with the pts meds when she was oblivious.. Added £50 more to the bill and so worth it. Enjoy the time you have left. Our girl had fish and chips and pancakes with chocolate spread!

Brandymakesmerandy · 19/11/2022 16:53

I would tell him what's happening and let him say his goodbyes but not have him there at the end x

ErrolTheDragon · 19/11/2022 17:02

Flowersit's so tough, OP. We had to have our 16 yo dog PTs this summer. If our 23 yo DD who adored the dog had been home, none of us would have thought it was a good idea for her to come to the vets.
You've thought it through and come to the right decision - I think it's a good thing you did go through the thought process though.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 19/11/2022 17:18

Thanks all.

I've very tearfully discussed best options with the Vet. I cannot afford it at home unfortunately but that would have been the best, in his favourite spot comfortable on his bed. Sedation will increase the bill but that's ok. I'm crying writing this as I'm planning his death, but I'd rather feel like his in a wonderful calm deep sleep before the final injection is given.

I've set myself off again. He is the best

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 20/11/2022 10:05

@Anono2022 how are you this morning? Just seen your update.

What an awful time for you all. Try and take comfort in knowing what a lovely life he has had with you and how loved he is xx

Original poster
Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 10:47

Thank you for asking. Yesterday he really perked up compared to how he was during the week.

Today, it's hit me again as his back to how he was. No energy at all but peaceful.

I find myself sat here thinking is this going to he his last Sunday, we won't get another Christmas which he absolutely loved. He is like an excited child opening his presents. I wish he could tell me he is ready.

I feel lucky that I've got to experience such a magical gift of a dogs love. But my goodness this grief is painful xx

OP posts:
SaffronQuoda · 20/11/2022 10:54

userxx · 19/11/2022 16:29

I say this very kindly OP, your description of how your dog is coping tells me it's time for him. Please don't let him suffer any longer. It's so hard to let them go but when it gets to the stage he's at, it's the kindest thing for him.

I agree - rather a week too soon that a day too late.

Gemmanorthdevon · 20/11/2022 14:46

Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 10:47

Thank you for asking. Yesterday he really perked up compared to how he was during the week.

Today, it's hit me again as his back to how he was. No energy at all but peaceful.

I find myself sat here thinking is this going to he his last Sunday, we won't get another Christmas which he absolutely loved. He is like an excited child opening his presents. I wish he could tell me he is ready.

I feel lucky that I've got to experience such a magical gift of a dogs love. But my goodness this grief is painful xx

What would he be saying to you if he could? I could hazard a guess, that it would be " Its really OK Mum..."

By your tone and words, you have given him so many wonderful Christmases. What would life have been like for him if he hadn't of found you? Where could he of ended up? and at who's hands?

Your an animal guardian, and you have a job to do. There will be a moment when you decide for him that enough is enough, and your love for him and determination that he will only know the best of life, will get you through that moment.

And then because we are idiots we do it all over again! But again, we are animal gaurdians.We have to! He isn't going anywhere, he is just stepping aside. 🌈🐕🌈

Give him some tummy rubs from us, and I hope he is having a comfortable day. ( and that you have some decent Gin in!! 😂 )

emptythelitterbox · 20/11/2022 14:59

userxx · 19/11/2022 16:29

I say this very kindly OP, your description of how your dog is coping tells me it's time for him. Please don't let him suffer any longer. It's so hard to let them go but when it gets to the stage he's at, it's the kindest thing for him.

This.
He is suffering.
Please take him back to the vet and do the right thing.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 21:53

@Gemmanorthdevon your comment is beautiful, thank you.

And as much as I understand your comment @emptythelitterbox I couldn't afford to do it today. I made the call. The Vet wanted £200 just to get through the door. I am a single parent, living off a school support staff wage with very little help from elsewhere. I am struggling to pay bills and keep us fed at the moment. The fact i cannot give my beloved dog a peaceful passing at home torments me enough, knowing his final moments will be in a place he hates the most. But your comment has made me feel worse and irresponsible that I cant give him the end I'd have wanted. Today would have ended up being over £300 which sadly I do not have

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 20/11/2022 22:14

Surely they will let you pay in installments?

If he hates the vets ask for a sedative you can give at home before you take him in to keep him calm.

I'm sorry you are going through this but it's the last kind thing we can do for them.

FlowersFlowersFlowers

7catsisnotenough · 20/11/2022 22:18

@Anono2022

Sending you strength and love at the most difficult time, I'm a cat mum but they're all our babies, dogs or cats. I hope you manage to get a peaceful resolution for yourself and your baby 💐Hold tight to the memories and the knowledge that you gave them the best life possible x

userxx · 20/11/2022 23:06

I'm sure the vet would agree to a payment plan, nobody wants the dog to suffer anymore than he is already. If it's about the money then please speak to the practice and see what they can offer you.

Original poster
Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 23:13

No unfortunately I haven't been able to find a Vet who will offer a payment plan. Last year he needed surgery. I spoke to several Vets, after our own suggested we find a new practice if I didn't fund his operation up front, all has the same stance, albeit more polite than ours. Even the PDSA won't accept payment plan/installments

OP posts:
Original poster
Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 23:15

And it's not about the money. But today I simply couldn't afford it. I am lucky to have 3p left each month, let alone £300.
I will let him go. I know I have to

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 20/11/2022 23:20

I thought the pdsa let you leave a donation? Rspca do, dont they? Is there one nearby, or a blue cross?

Do you have a dog charity nearby that might help? Or any dog facebook groups?

The council might have a hardship fund?

ErrolTheDragon · 20/11/2022 23:20

Don't let well meaning but thoughtless strangers upset you more than you are already OP. It's obvious you're doing all you can for your beloved dog. Flowers

Original poster
Anono2022 · 20/11/2022 23:21

I don't qualify for their full service as I have a mortgage and dont receive the right benefits. So they take payment up front and medications after

OP posts:
2bazookas · 20/11/2022 23:27

Your parents are right, don't take him.
Its a very very emotional experience, sad and painful for the humans .