Bothered long-term by suspected destruction of Newfoundland

[Moralitym1n1]

This is a retrospective one.

Myself and ex partner have been finished for several years now, but I saw him recently and it revived me thinking about the issue.

During the relationship he apparently rejoined a young Newfoundland dog his son had asked for when it was (I think) less than a year old or perhaps a year at the most after it opened its mouth over/around a child (in a buggy's) head.

When I say opened its mouth, i mean literally that - it didn't bite, nip, close it's jaws (though I suppose it may have had I not yanked it away). I felt at fault because I didn't realise it would do anything like that and had it in a loose lead, it turned it's head into the buggy and did that as we walked past.

He 'rehomed' it soon after, he said the new owners were ok with a visit so I asked continuously if we could visit but he refused to and said he felt too bad about it and couldn't. I didn't understand why, if he felt so bad, he wouldn't take the opportunity to check on the dog in its new home.j gave up asking after numerous attempts with the same response, but always felt uneasy about it.

I have since come to the conclusion, after the relationship finished and I discovered quite s lot of dishonesty and disingenuous-ness that he actually had the dog put down. If fits with the extremely black and white nature of his thinking (another thing that ended the relationship).

The dog had zero training (apart from the most minor stuff by his 12/13 year old son) and no canine company. It was a source of conflict between us because it was in the yard on its own a lot.

I've since read they're 'mouthy' and believe it was not aggressive in what it did (though I understand damage could still have been done).

*rehomed not rejoined

What I'm asking is what are your opinions on what I heavily suspect he did?

Your ex did this, not you.

I would put any dog down in a heartbeat that put it's mouth over a baby's head. Whether he should have lied about it is different but I can't argue that what he did about the dog itself was wrong.

I think it was wrong and the dog should have been returned to the breeder if found a new home with someone who knew the breed well and was told clearly what it had done; am i wrong?

It sounds unlikely that the dog was going to get any training so putting it to sleep may have been the best option, moral or not.

Are there lots of things from the relationship that still bother you?

You have absolutely no proof, and never will.

I’d always understood that visits aren’t generally encouraged when pets are rehomed because it can stop them settling.

You need to let this go.

There isnt a definitive right and wrong - that sounds quite black and white if you don’t mind me saying.

Estrella : I understand now Newfies are very mouthy and are bred to mouth/pull things - there was zero aggression, I feel like it was in that situation because we were ignorant about it and not careful/switched on. I feel like it shouldn't have been killed due to our ignorance and lack of training/management.

There isnt a definitive right and wrong - that sounds quite black and white if you don’t mind me saying.

Yes I get you - and I get the irony given I've said he was/is very black and white about things!

*You have absolutely no proof, and never will.

I’d always understood that visits aren’t generally encouraged when pets are rehomed because it can stop them settling.

You need to let this go.*

His repeated refusal to visit (he said the new owners were totally open to it), combined with his attitude at the time, what I now know about his honesty, his general views in life - and just instinct - make me this it was.

It has bothered me all along but seeing him again revived it.

*think not this

Your instinct is probably right that he had the dog put down, but the dog was primarily his and he took the decisions about care, training and getting rid of the dog . You accepted this at the time. You now have little contact with your ex.

Nothing to be done about it now, other than reflect on your own share of responsibility in and learning from what happened.

It sounds unlikely that the dog was going to get any training so putting it to sleep may have been the best option, moral or not.

Or it couldve genuinely been rehomed to a mature experienced person who knew the breed well, would train it (and was made v aware of the incident).

Are there lots of things from the relationship that still bother you?

Yes, I feel like I was v naive in many ways and didn't see his real behaviour and character. I realised a lot of things afterward in the most ridiculous light bulb type moments - after I was out if the relationship and mindset.

But I'm an overthinker and dweller anyway.

It sounds like you’ve learnt something from the experience of that relationship OP. You can’t go back and change it so the best you can do is not repeat it, and it doesn’t sound like you will.

Cross-post with you last post. I know what you mean about being an over thinker and dweller. If it keeps taking up headspace and it’s hard to move on I’d really recommend therapy - it helps with the thing you’re dwelling on and also helps stop you dwelling on the next thing that comes along.

but the dog was primarily his and he took the decisions about care, training and getting rid of the dog sad. You accepted this at the time.

If I had had the slightest thought that he would put the dog down at the time,bid have moved heaven and earth to get the dog rehomed with an experienced Newfie owner.

(It genuinely didn't enter my head that someone would take that extreme a step with a dog that wasn't much more than a puppy, but equally that they'd do it without discussing it with a partner, that they could lie about it/cover it up).

But you didn’t do that, presumably because at the time you trusted your DP and decided not to get involved in disposing of the dog. Sounds like your instincts at the time were that perhaps he hadn’t done what he’d said, but at the time you didn’t act on them.

Mulling it over is only useful insofar as this helps you in the future.

If it keeps taking up headspace and it’s hard to move on I’d really recommend therapy

I suppose I'm using mn as a type of therapy; dealing with this for me involves getting a wide range of viewpoints and seeing what the consensus is.

But you didn’t do that, presumably because at the time you trusted your DP

Yes I trusted him to be a decent person and to be honest.

and decided not to get involved in disposing of the dog

Disposing - problem was I wasn't aware there was going to be any disposal (!) At most I thought there would be a rehoming (only because his other children were advertising it for such online), he did not discuss it with me or involve me in it, it wax presented as a done deal, to my surprise at the time.

Sounds like your instincts at the time were that perhaps he hadn’t done what he’d said, but at the time you didn’t act on them.

No, I've probably been unclear - my instinct now (and for some time after the relationship finished is that he had the dog destroyed) but was not at the time. It didn't enter my head at the time - I was just uneasy and frustrated about not getting to visit the dog and confirm it had a good new home.

I would put any dog down in a heartbeat that put it's mouth over a baby's head.

Even if you genuinely thought there was no aggression and it was pure 'stupidity' on the dogs part, combined with ignorance and lack of training and proper management on your part?

( Though I suppose few people ever admit to themselves ignorance and lack of proper training/management).

Right, so (you now think) he lied, and at the time you didn’t suspect.

Yes, for various reasons I suppose I had him on a pedestal and thought he was very similar to me, including my views on animal welfare and management. During the relationship this was eroded (the pedestal) but I've realised most of the 'bad' stuff in the years after the relationship. To the point where I literally can't believe I wax that naive/blind.

(I thought he was similar with regard to animals because he fed and was very tolerant towards a litter of kittens foisted on him by a stray cat setting up home in an outbuilding backing onto his home,band because, like me, he went out of his way to feed wild animals whim he thought might be getting it tough (due to weather etc). In the situation with this dog (pup really) I thought he'd have similar thoughts and actions to me; re-home to someone experienced and make it clear what had happened.

I passed onto him whatever info i found at the time re. the breed and connotations for what had happened.