The loss of my cat.

[barzicotto]

My cat passed away 7 weeks ago and I can't find a way to accept it. I am overwhelmed with feeling of guilt: could i have done more to make him comfortable in his last days? did the vet really knew what was ging on? Did he pass away in pain, struggling for breath? I miss him. All i want to do is talk about him but nobody wants to listen; so called bereavment people have given up.

It's Christmas. For many years my beloved, beautiful cat was the only ray of sunshine on the day. He's not here anymore. By now, we would both have had our breakfast and gone back to bed, he used to "call" me back to bed. He would make a fuss of me and then go to sleep. The cat that i have befriended has been making himself at home, in only few weeks, he has learnt to trust me enough to fall asleep on my lap; but he's not "my cat", I don't feel as much love as i thought i could feel for any animal, certainly not as much as i felt for my cat. My cat was with me all his life, maybe that is the reason. The guest cat has been given me a distraction, even put a smile on my face, i don't use the same cute names i used with my cat, a couple of times i have even called him with my cat's name. People say my cat would be looking down from his cloud in the sky and be glad i have a new friend but i'm not sure. I would do anything to feel him in my arms again and i think that, the last time i did that, was only minutes before he passed away. I will never get over that, i will never accept that that's life. Why did he have to be ill after so many years? why couldn't he just go because of his old age?

22 weeks today since my beloved beautiful cat passed away. Suddenly, just few minutes ago, something dawned on me: if, like some people have said, he wasn't aware much of what was going during his last hours, wouldn't that mean that he then wasn't aware of our last cuddle? the one i have him when i picked him up between the time he made a noise thorugh his mouth and when his heart stopped? it was a matter of minutes, did he "feel" me?. I should have done more, i'll never forgive myself for not staying at home during his last week, i could have made him more comfortable, i left it too late to lower his litter, to help his movements. I did that when he first got unwell, why didn't i do it again? why?

Oh love, please don't torture yourself like this. You did the very best for him. He wouldn't want you to make yourself poorly would he?

I know exactly how you feel, and I am so sorry you are feeling so down.

But please take my word that it will get better; and you will feel less heartbroken and awful about it over time.

There's not really much more anyone can say that will ease this hurt for you right now, but just know we've all been there and we share your pain.

I feel so sad for you. I have read all your posts and I notice that though you are still grief-stricken you have begun to make something of a relationship with the visiting cat. You clearly have so much to give. Your cat had a long & happy life with you and you did your very best for him. He could not have been more greatly loved than he was by you. Caring for another cat, eventually, when you are ready, in no way diminishes this and might bring you the comfort and companionship you need.

Take care

Thank you all for your kind words. Every day, once i have done my day of work, the thoughts are all about my beloved cat, i can't help it. The cat that i had befriended has not been around for almost 3 weeks. Some people have said maybe it's his mating season and to expcet not to see him for days, to see him returend and maybe injured but it's almost 3 weeks....I miss him because he had been putting a smile on my face and i used to talk to him aboiut my cat, he knew him....

@barzicotto how are you feeling now? I hope your grief has become easier for you.

ifeeltheneedtheneedforspeed I don't think the grief will ever diminish; every single day i feel the hole that my beloved had left in my life and grieve for it like it was yesterday that he passed away. I say hello and goodbye to his photos, his ashes every day like i used to do when he was alive and, although it helps not having change my habits, it doesn't make it any less painful. Sometimes i thini maybe i should do the opposite, putting away his blanket, puttin his ashes in the casket but just the thought of it makes me feel like i would be erasing him from my every day life. I long now to befriend some cat, i miss the one who had started coming around, i don't know what happened to him; i could not possibily get another cat for myself. I am heartbroken, i will never stop feeling like this about my beautiful cat.

@barzicotto would you consider another pet altogether? Not a cat, a small dog perhaps if that suits your lifestyle? I can understand about not wanting to feel like you are replacing your cat.
If you wanted to try put some of his things away then maybe do one thing at a time, get used to that then a week later remove something else. You could create a special memory box for all his things so when you feel like you needed to be closer to him you could take a quiet moment to go through the box? You probably have already considered this though so my apologies if so.
Could you volunteer at a local cat rescue?

I am not ready to put things away, i can't see myself ever being able to. I use to think that, the overwheling grief was my punishment for not having done all that i feel i could do for my cat; maybe this is really it, maybe i WANT to feel so heartbroken, it's just that i seem to forget about it and i wish i could think about my cat and smile but i can't. If i watch a movie, a programme, where there are deaths, i break down because it brings it all back with a bang. I feel i just want to alk about him all the time and tear my soul apart....

@barzicotto do you think talking to a councillor would help? This level of heightened grief is unhealthy for you, you have nothing to feel guilty for. Be kinder to yourself.

I have contacted few online bereavment sotes and rang the samaritans in the past, it felt good to talk, pour my heart out, cry like there was no tomorrow but it has not changed anything really, the pain of the loss and the feelings of guilt feel the same as when it happened. I get distracted when I am at work but any small thing triggers a flood of grief again. At home is easier because i don't have to worry about breaking down. It's not that i want it to be easier, i just want to be 100% sure that i really, really did all that i could to make him comfortable and i know, deep dpown, that i didn't and i can't get past that but should i?

@barzicotto but what are you achieving by beating yourself up over the guilt you feel? It's not going to change the outcome. You have given your cat a loving home for many many years, you did what you could at the time. Please be kinder to yourself!

Today it would have been my cat's 20th birthday. I know i was lucky enough for having had him for 19 years, he might not have lived another year but i wish he could have just gone without the ordeal of being not well and having had the vets around, especially the vet who was not so caring as the other one. Regardless of all the advice, kind words i have received, i cannot stop feeling immense guilt over the fact i didn't chose to stay home again when i realised somethign was not right again. I don't even know anymore what i need.

@barzicotto
I'm no expert in these matters but I feel you would benefit from some time with a counsellor.