The loss of my cat.

[barzicotto]

My cat passed away 7 weeks ago and I can't find a way to accept it. I am overwhelmed with feeling of guilt: could i have done more to make him comfortable in his last days? did the vet really knew what was ging on? Did he pass away in pain, struggling for breath? I miss him. All i want to do is talk about him but nobody wants to listen; so called bereavment people have given up.

You gave him a long and happy life, that is all we can do for our little pets. We can't make them live longer. You have created a peaceful place to remember him. I do think that it would be good to talk to your GP and get some advice.

Is there anything specific you feel guilty about?

Sweetheart you couldn't have done more. You were there for him the whole time. His soul had left his body. He knew you were there.

You were there for him his whole life.

Funerals are not a time for wailing imo. They are a time to remember. That is what you did.

I am glad you had the opportunity to do that.

Know that you will never ever forget him. But now you have to live your life. You have to put one foot in front of the other and live in honour of his memory.

Please speak to your Dr. You need counselling. We are not trained but a trained counsellor will allow you to examine your feelings and help you live your life. Not move on, you wont be leaving him behind. That sort of love lasts for eternity. But now you must live and try to find happiness.

20 years old? That is a lifetime and then some to your cat. You cared for him well.

I feel guilty about not realising he needed to be extra comfortable during his last week, when i noticed he was wobbly on his legs again, when i saw he had bled from his mouth, when on his last day i didn't undretsand he needed help tp change his position wile laying on the floor, when i didn't think i should have "padded" the floor around him, when i left it too late to realise i needed to put the litter straight onto the floor so he could get onto it, when i didn't do anything when he was either coughing or struggling to breath five to ten minutes before he passed away; for not understanding what was happening; for not staying at home, like the first time he got ill; for not knowing what to do for the best when all he wanted was eat. I tried.

YOU TRIED. You did your very best.

He was dying - he would have been very unaware of all of those things.

You have got to stop torturing yourself.

You did your best for him, he was clearly loved. He was safe on his blanket. Moving him might have given him more pain. We will never know exactly how our cats think and feel but as much as possible your cat was loved.

Maybe ring the Samaritans again to talk about him. Would it help to tell us some of your happy memories of him? Some of the cute things he did?

To have moved him would of hurt him.
You couldn’t have eased his breathing of coughing.
Now tell me all the things you did to make his life wonderful? The things he was aware of and grateful for. Because, sweetheart, he was unaware at the end. But, he took comfort knowing how loved he was and spending is final moments in his lovely home.

He was the greatest, cleverest cat ever, i know, i'm biased...When I had to sleep on a make shift bed because of visiting relatives, i was worried he would be confused about me not sleeping on "our" bed; and what did he do? he came and slept with me on the make shift bed; that, to me, was the confirmation that he wanted to be with me, his mummy :). The time he "attacked", as a figure of speech, this guy i had started to go out with and i had been all day out with him. The guy was not a nice guy. My cat sensed it and didn't like him gatting too close to me. He never did that with any other guy who had been around. I felt i belonged to someone, to my cat, my little family. We would "talk" :). He started to make a sound that reminded me of someone saying "hello" and so i would say "hello" and he would make that sound :). And the arguments too! :). He used to sit on my computer so i couldnt do use it :). He would tell me off when i was late home :). In the last months he had started to touch my face to wake me up at 3 in the morning and then he would sit on the pillow behind my head, i would wake up and smile, turning my head and seeing him there :). And so much more....He was the light of my days.

He sounds wonderful. So many happy memories. This is what you must focus on. All his little quirks and habits. He had a full and happy life that YOU gave him. Lucky cat. Maybe one day you will feel ready to offer live to another cat - it will never be the same though. My first dog that was MY dog had a similar impact on me. I'll never ever forget him. 15 years later and he was still the one. 15 years and three dogs - one who is laying next to me now - and thete will never be another Tiny. That dog shsped my life. I love my dogs, all of them, but he was the one. I just can't live without a dog in my life.

Ive had cats too. The one was my childhood cat. His name was Santa Claws and we had such a bond. I cant have a cat now because my DP is allergic to them. I work with them though so i get lots of kitty cuddles.

Im glad you can look back on your cats life with fondness. Hold on to that.

Ahhh, he sounds lovely! What did he look like? Put up a picture, if it’s not too outing. I have a calico cat, she’s gorgeous.

My cat was a black and white cat, like Felix the cat, but the patterns on his face were asymmetric which made him unique. He had long legs, big feet, the typycal "tall, dark and handsome", :), big dark eyes. sometime ago, he started not to be able to jump high anymore so i made adjustments around the house for him; i used to hae a chair by the table ready for him to use as a stepping to get to the table and when that became too much too, he would wait for me to pick him and put him on the table; if i was busy, he would call me to do that. He learnt to move away from the front door to allow me to open it for him. He learnt to open the drawer of the bedside table, rummage, throw few things out and go to sleep in it :). One of the funniset things he did was when he was very young: my partner at the time called me to show me something in the bathroom, i went and my cat had unrolled all the toilet pair from the holder and then curled up on it :0, he was the cutest thing. Over 19 years of memories which make me smile but also make me cry because he is not here anymore, because he didn't just die in his sleep. Before he passed away, I used to imagine my life without him, being able to do things that i wouldn't normally because i wanted to stay with him. It was easy, i never had the kind of people around me to go out with, i have always been out and about by myself, but after changes in my life, i felt better at home and made the most of giing my cat company. But now i don't feel like doing anything for fun, i don't want to be away from the house where my cat lived. He has lost his life, why should i enjoy mine? it's not fair.

But sweetheart he didnt lose his life. He lived it to the full, with you. 19 years is incredible for a cat. You gave him that.

Sadly for us, our pets are on loan to us. Its not fair on us but your cat lived a full life.

He was loved. He loved you.

Keep telling us about his happy days

But, how guilty would he feel to know how miserable you are because he’d died? That wasn’t his fault, you were always going to outlive him. Please, remember him positively, let go of the guilt you feel and live your life to the full. That will be the greatest way to honour him x

Every day there is some trigger that makes me break down thinking about my cat. It's usually on my way home from work, waiting for the bus. Yesterday it was food, I don't even know how i got thinking again,about how i should have fed my cat all that he wanted. I didn't want to give him every day the same cooked food and i think he didn't like turkey, for example. For the past couple of days, i have wanted to eat all the time and then i have thought maybe i should not give in to that and feel like my cat might have been feeling, stressed because he wanted extra food and didn't get any....it is so hard so to know that i didn't know what to do for the best. I have also been thinking about how, few hours before he passed, he called me; i was on the bed, he was on the blanket on the floor near the bed, his miaowin was like a whisper. As usual i jumped to command, i have alwasy done that, and i think how he was calling me maybe because he wanted me closer, he thought of me....Today have printed the rest of the photos i had taken of him and enlarged a couple, one of them being one i had taken less than two weeks before he passed away. He would sit by the bed waiting for me to get up and give him some food, all the time. He used to bang his paw against the bed side table to get my attention and i would try and ignore him because had only just eaten...I didn't know what to do for the best....i should have known, maybe....I have put one of big photos where i would see it almost as soon as i walk indoors. I plan to enlarge more and put them every where, i want to be able to see him wherever my eyes turn to. I get distracted at work, even make people laugh and then i come home and i break into pieces.

If you’d fed him every time he wanted it, you’d have ended up with a very unhealthy, obese cat. Sometimes loving someone means not doing exactly what they want.

He may have wanted less when he wasn't feeling well, he was coming towards the end of his life and his system was shutting.

I have been dreaming about little cats coming indoors. I keep leaving food out for the cat. or cat, that has been coming around for a long time but I doubt he/she will ever come inside. I would like to be able to talk with him/her about the one who is not here anymore. There are times when i can't even cry, i just feel this enormous sadness in my soul. The first thoughts, memories, are always about my cat's last months, his last days, his last day. I hear again the last time he called me. I know, life goes on, i go on, i go to work, i eat, i function but it will never be the same, ever. I will never have any kind of relationship as meaningful as the one i had with my cat. People usually associate dogs as a man/woman's best friend but my cat and i had a rapport that went beyond anything any person could understand. I was never able to watch anything, a movie, an advert, red a story that contained some animal being hurt in any way, now it's anything with a cat that is harder to watch. I have been thinking again about voluntary work with cats but i think i might not be able to get close to a cat without breaking down. I long to hold my cat again, he never liked being held for too long but, when he first had the abscess on his face and vet had to "squeeze" it, afterwards my cat put his head on my shoulder like overwhelmed by the ordeal, it broke my heart. I know, nobody lives forever but i can't begin to think it was his time; maybe, if he hadn't been ill in the past few months, it might have been easier to accept but it was the time that it happened, the thought of him not passing aways im his sleep as some animals and humans do. Why did it have to be him not passing away in his sleep?

I hear my voice talking to his ashes, to his photos, saying goodbye when i go to work and i miss him even more, like reliving a time that has passed and gone forever and it breaks me, it makes his passing real. It's a contradiction, i know, i can't explain it.

The great thing with cats is that they don't fully understand time, if you did some volunteer work then just one cuddle for a cat would make it feel loved for that moment. The cat won't be expecting you to come back, but if you do they will love it again if you do. Also they won't care if you just sit there stroking them and talking about your cat. As long as the strokes keep coming they are fantastic listeners. You may never truly find a cat as wonderful as your cat, but you seem to be missing that feline company and there are cats out there sitting in cages missing a lap to sit on.

Would you have the energy to plan to go somewhere tomorrow and enquire about volunteering if you aren't working? If a place gets to know you then maybe you could foster a cat for a while. Some get really stressed in a shelter and you could give it a home life, without the commitment long term. There are lots of possibilities. Over time you might build a bond with a new cat. It would be a different bond, but you obviously have a lot to offer.

Your cat lived as long as he could but he got to the stage that the quality of life wasn't there and cats don't communicate their pain, it wouldn't be good for him to be in pain.

Have you been to the doctors or spoken to the Samaritans again?

Oh and dogs often love lots of people, cats are more discerning, doesn't mean that they can't be just such a good friend, you just need to work a little harder to earn the love and some people don't have that patience.

@shouldwestayorshouldwego There has been actually a chance of fostering but it was over the christmas period and I would not be able to take time off work. I could not live a cat on his own for the first time in a new place. I won't be able to take any time off until April, I used all my holiday entitlement to look after my cat. I have thought that fostering would be possibly the best option; going to a cattery i would feel guilty about not be able to be with every cat there.Also, seeing animals in cages is hard for me. I wish i had a big house to take them all home. I don't know what to do....i still feel bad enough about the one time i went to an animal home about volunteering and never got back to them...What If I love a foster cat too much? how will i feel when giving him/her back?

It’s so hard @barzicotto. I have felt your pain and still miss my soulmate although I have another cat now. I love her but it took time for that to happen as she is in no way as affectionate as my beloved L.

Can you not get another cat? They don’t replace but can help fill the void.

What If I love a foster cat too much? how will i feel when giving him/her back?

Then s/he will have found their forever home. I don't think it is unusual for fosterers to adopt. I know what you mean about cats in cages, it does upset me too, although I know it is the only practical way at a rescue centre. I would happily rescue half a dozen but my two would never forgive me. Having said that you have a lot to offer and half a day sitting with a few cats could really cheer them up. Unfortunately always with a gaggle of children so I can't do it. They often want volunteers to socialise shy cats to give them a greater chance of adoption. Some places have cats outside such as celiahammond.org/index.php/about-us/greenacres-sanctuary .

Another option to consider is going to a cat cafe. I am not sure what I think of them having never been and I guess in a busy cafe there may not be enough cats to guarantee that you get one.

I think in either place though you will meet people who know what it is like to lose a cat. Make sure that you take photos of your cat to show around. The cats you meet will never replace your cat, but they need a little help and your cat would be pleased that you were able to help other cats.

It is just over 12 weeks ago now that my beloved cat passed away. The loss is so much felt, there are times that it's like a blow to my stomach and my soul breaks. And now I have done something. I have befriended a cat that has been around for few years now, being inside aswell when he was not supposed to and i shooed hm away. I have been leaving little food out for him and soon after that he has been eating off my hand. He now has a short wander indoors and, last night, he had a nap by the door. Gradually, in the space of a couple of days, he has letg me touch him, stroke, etc. Last night i had the impression he does actually wanted to be petted. I don't know what i want from this new situation; i don't know what i should allow myself to take from it. I think i would not want this cat to walk on the same floor my cat walked, to sleep on the bed where my cat slept. I don't want to love him like i loved my cat. I have already started to worry about his welfare though...it's very cold and often it rains. I don't know if he belongs to anybody. I don't know what to do and feel....