I sometimes wish my cat would dissappear (might be tmi for some)

[Ponka]

Long story. Our cat is an indoor cat. He is incontinent and we have to squeeze him over the toilet 2 or 3 times a day (wee and poo) because he got ran over when he was 6 months old. At the time, the vet gave us the choice to either have him put down or try and cope. We couldn't have him put down because of our inconvenience so we said no. We have to keep him in the house because if he goes out, he catches things and eats them and makes himself so poorly he yowls. We then have to take him to the vets and pay a few hundred pounds for him to be de - bunged. At home we give him special food and keep him in to keep things moving (sorry for tmi!)

Despite squeezing him, he has the odd accident and we have to clean up after him. I was worried when DS was born about this but it's not been too bad, we clean up really well straight away and keep him in the bathroom with the vinyl floor when we are out. I wonder if it's cruel to shut him in sometimes and he does cry sometimes but it's only like being in a cattery, really.

Just recently I've been finding things so hard. My MIL comes to our house to watch DS every Friday while I work. A couple of months back, she was watching him when the cat escaped from the house. She went out to try to catch him and he attacked her viciously. She went to our local drop in centre but things were so bad she was sent to see a hand surgeon in hospital. She had lots of punctures through her nails and some of the bites/scratches were so bad on her hands that fat was coming out and not blood. They were going to keep her in overnight but in the end they released her. She's O.K. now.

A couple of days back, the cat attacked DS, who wasn't even really provoking him and scratched him on his foot, not really deeply like my MIL but badly enough.

I'm just at the end of my tether. I do love my cat but I find myself more and more wishing he wasn't around and I feel very guilty about that.

I really don't know what to do and if anyone's actually made it to the end of this message and has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated. If nobody has, well, at least I've let off some steam! DH seems to think I shouldn't feel like this and gets wound up when I talk like this to him, probably because he's worried that I'll say I don't want him in the house any more but I don't think I could ever do that to him, he's a lovely cat, really.

I have to be honest and say that firstly I would have had him put down when it was offered before, because thats no life for a cat IMO.

Secondly if i hadn't had him put down already I certainly would of once he attacked your mother so badly.

I have to say, I'd have him put down too. Sounds awful, doesn't it?

i would see if there is anywhere that would be willing to take him in first

if not then have him put down

I wish, in a way, I had your guts. Even if I did, DH would never agree.
I look at him now and there's no way I could do it. He's so happy. He's sitting at my feet purring away and blissfully happy, like butter wouldn't melt. He's happy most of the time and mostly gentle. It's just a recent and worrying "violent" streak. He doesn't mean it but he does get frustrated and sometimes scared (of DS following him around). I'm hoping it will pass but I'd hate myself if he attacked DS as badly as my MIL. However, it's not his fault he ended up getting run over by a car and he was in our care while it happened.

I've been wondering about checking out cat loving farms but it's hard to imagine anyone would take him with him needing to be indoors.

Not sure what you want to hear, tbh. I can understand that it's very worrying that he scratched your MIL so badly (did she try to pick him up?) and that he has now scratched ds. Do you think the cat is OK around ds generally, or are you worried that he will attack ds again? Can you trust ds not to pull the cat's tail, or chase him, or do something else that may cause the cat to react aggressively? I guess there wouldn't be many chances of re-homing a cat who is completely incontinent so if you do think there is a danger to ds, the cat probably will have to be put down, sadly.

Ponka, this is serious.
I'm so sorry about what happened to your cat, and you have clearly put in much care and effort to take care of him.

But it isn't a case of 'what if he attacks DS as badly as he attacked your MIL' - what if he attacked him WORSE? The bites sound very very severe. It could be your DS's face. Children are at a lower height.

Of course your cat doesn't mean it, he isn't 'guilty' - that doesn't apply to animlas.

Let me be very blunt. Your chances of finding someone to home your cat are very very slim. It is hard enough to find a home for a fit adult cat, never mind one which is incontinent, and may attack people.

You have been very kind and caring to now. Now it is time to face the more difficult facts. As far as I can see, you must say goodbye to him. If you do not, and he attacks DS, the only word that could be used would be irresponsible.

Sorry.

I'm not really sure what I want to hear either Edam!

I guess I a) wanted to talk about it because talking with DH about it always ends in arguement and I'm really quite low about it all b) wanted to know what others might do if they were me because I just don't know what's best.

I'm not sure if he'll go for DS again. He could. I don't think it would be as badly as he got my MIL because she was trying to catch him outside, where he was wound up and once she had him, she didn't let go, even though he was laying into her because she knew he wasn't allowed out and was worried he would make himself ill/ not come back. I wonder if I'm cruel to put a cat down, I wonder if I'm an irresponsible mother if I don't. Perhaps I'm making too much of a big deal. I don't know.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

Cheers,

Ponka x

He may be ill, which is why he is attacking. In which case the kindest thing is to put him down I think. he doesn't sound as if he has a totally satisfactory life - which isn't your fault at all, or his. Agree with Blu.

to do the squeezing to make him go to the toilet shows you really care for him & so it must be a really difficult situation for you.

Perhaps your MIL hurt him (by mistake) when she was trying to bring him inside ? Perhaps your DS had taunted him when you weren't looking ?

Could you take him to the vets & get him examined to make sure everything is ok ? If not, the decision could possibly be taken out of your hands.

We have an indoor cat, she is deaf & fortunately she is the most docile thing ever & spends 20 hours a day asleep. Even so, she has been known to raise a paw to DD.

Has he been neutered, maybe that would make him less inclined to go out ?

Agree with Mojo that he may have scratched your MIL as a defence mechanism if she inadvertently hurt him. I got scratched by a cat I was sitting when she escaped (was an indoors cat, not allowed out) and I picked her up. Turned out the poor thing had massive matts in her hair - being held closely must have really hurt her.

This is so upsetting for you, do you think it would be worth a trip to the vet to talk about the options? The vet could take a look to see if there's anything causing your cat pain or any obvious, easily-remedied cause for lashing out. Alternatively, the vet may suggest putting your cat to sleep is the best thing - and maybe your dh will take it better from the vet than from you.

Very sad situation all round but it is not your fault - you have done everything you can to look after your cat.

ponka we have a cat and i know how you feel, but i would be quite worried about the risk to your ds.

we gort our cat from a refuge and there were some very ill, old and "problem" cats there - they took in every cat, including those who had been brought there because they couldn't co-exist with kids. some would never be rehomed and lived at the refuge permanently - it was a very nice life for them with big pens, cosy baskets and volunteer workers coming round stroking them and feeding them ham! the owner also said that some cat lovers do actually come and ask for difficult cats to take home.

soooo - i would recommend finding a refuge like this and ask them to have your cat. you could maybe visit him there and/or follow his progress. it would be hard but so much harder if your ds got hurt as your mum has.

Message withdrawn

read ks's thread about cats and try the Cat Protection league? They might take him. If he hasn't been neutered that would make a great difference.

Cheers everyone. I appreciate honesty, however much it isn't what I want to hear.

Right, plan of action....
A) Visit the vets (good idea, ta) without DH (although I'll tell him I'm going) and have a chat with them/ get him checked over. Perhaps MIL did hurt him by accident, or something else did just before. He's never been that violent before.
B)Take a look at cat shelters/protection league. Even if it's not an option, they might offer support and advice.

He was neutered when he was small so that's all taken care of.

I was grossed out, too essbee but I've sort of got used to it now (although I'm pregnant again so at the moment DH is taking care of everything for safety reasons - He's better at it, anyway. Cat squeezing is a bit of an art. DH says it's like playing bagpipes

Ponka I think you definitely should put your plan into action. You are going to really struggle to watch DS, look after the baby and watch the cat all at once. Sorry about this.

it is really hard isn't it. i have a cat who i really can't stand since having children - purely because she pesters me for food and cuddles all the time and I already have 3 dependent children, i really don't NEED a cat like that. but of course you can't put them down for that reason can you?

we also used to have an incontinent (but otherwise adorable) cat. before children. eventually i solved it by sending her to live with a retired woman. but i did feel bad because though this woman loved the cat she had to deal with all the incontinence etc. it dominated her life for years before the cat eventually died of old age. i really think that putting down old incontinent cats is the only solution however cruel it seems.

how old is the cat? If its an elderly cat and you've been doing this for years I'm afraid I would have him put down if the CPL wouldn't take him. If his temper has changed he's possibly in pain/ tired of being handled as you have to and its time to let him go.

I would have out him down after the accident.

BUT definatley now with you MIL and ds being attacked.

I feel quite shocked that you've still gone him actually.

fennel your post has struck a cord with me I have 3 indoor cats but since having DD my feelings have changed for them, one is really fat so on a special diet so the others are too, they moan for food quite a lot then when they get it they bolt it so fast they are sick (which I have to clean before DD eats it), I do give the others more food to compensate though I don't starve them they do big stinky poos in the litter tray which I also have to clean up (I'm pregnant too but it's unavoidable I can't stand the smell till DD comes home) they wake me up in the morning and generally just p* me off. DD is great with them 2 run out the way and one lets her pat him (she v gentle) but I feel I just have more hassle from them than anything else.

Sorry getting back to Ponka I can totally sympathise with your situation. If I were you I would look at one of the rehoming centres already suggested, he would probably be happier there too away from DS and MIL. I know it will be hard for you to part with him but it will be easier knowing her is being cared for. Maybe you could make a monthly donation to the centre for his upkeep etc.

I'm a bit shocked by all this don't-like-my-cat-business.

There are so many unwanted cats out in cat homes because people don't think long term when they take them in - they're not like cars where you just trade them in. I looked at rehomeing a cat when one of mine went missing & there were so many that had been hurt by children.

my cat scratched a friends daughter & I was glad because she was taunting her. Animals deserve respect & this little girl kept following my cat around & poking her, even thought I repeatedly told her to leave her alone & put my cat upstairs. if animals get their tail pulled, are poked, crept up etc, it's no surprise they turn.

Ponka, I really hope the visit to the vet goes well & you're able to get some workable advice

Mojomummy all my 4 cats have been from cats homes or from friends who didn't want them anymore. i do still look after them but the affection i had for them, pre children, isn't really there.

i agree about teaching children to respect cats. i've not been too sympathetic when visiting toddlers threw golf balls at my cat and got scratched. my children are very nice to the cats

Mojo I can understand that but as fennel said I think once you have kids it's just one more thing to look after when you are already stressed. My cats are very pampered, have the best special diets, beds and toys etc.

Two of my cats don't even bother with DD I don't think she has impacted in their lives at all as they spend most of the day asleep upstairs and only come down for a bit of affection at night, having DD hasn't changed that. She's also very gentle with the cat that will let her pat him. I am trying to teach her to respect animals and be gentle with them.

They just annoy me with their constant begging for food then sicking it back up as soon as they get it. Also the coming in and out the bedroom at night and waking me up does my head in too.

this must be an awful decision to make but i just had to ask something. if this was a dog that had attacked both your mil and ds would you keep it or put it down?

We have two beautiful cats, who very luckily have the patience of saints with the DD's.

We all love them very much but there is no way I could keep them if they harmed the children more than a quick warning swipe with a paw.

Ours have the run of the house during the day (they are also allowed out, we are very lucky in that there are several large fields behind our house and no real access to the road) but get put downstairs at night. It would drive me nuts to be woken up by cats too.

I hope you find a solution Ponka, but if it was me I afraid I'd have had the cat put down at the time of the accident. Not because of inconvience of looking after it but because of it's quality of life.

Interesting question, Carly. I don't know. I guess I might be more inclined to. I have never had a dog but it seems to me that they are capable of doing a lot more damage than a cat. I don't think I've ever heard of a cat that killed anyone. I think it would depend on how big the dog and how bad the attacks were. When I was little I remember that my Grandma had a really grumpy dog, especially around food. They never let us near her. Certainly not on our own. We managed, but then, the dog was very old when she turned nasty, and we were, too. Not like my little 18 month old who understands what a cat is and just about understands "gently" but doesn't always adhere. I'm teaching him to be gentle but at that age, it's not always going to go to plan. DS does definately 'taunt' the cat. Not in a nasty way. He loves him. He makes him laugh and sometimes, when I'm there, Gizmo will sit nicely whilst DS gently strokes him. Perhaps I should teach him that the cat is a "no"?

My cat is about 8 now. He's still got a long time to go. Although, the vets have always said his life expectancy could be shorter.

Cheers everyone. Will keep you posted after the visit to the vets.

Ponka.